Jury's In: The First of the Wedding Photos
It was inevitable. Eventually, there were going to be photos. And I was going to have to see them. And my opinion of myself on the day of my wedding was going to suddenly change.
It was also inevitable that due to all of the mornings I wake up in the city, I was going to be woken up at some point by the incessant, unrelenting pounding of a jackhammer. That was today, and naturally it stopped as soon as I gave up completely on sleep. But first it did this thing where it’d stop for a minute or so. There’d be this sudden, blissful space of peace. Like the world had settled under a soft blanket. And then, BAM. Bambambambambambambambambambambam! Just when my mind slipped back into white nothingness. I began to think, dimly, that we were having a kind of dialogue. The jackhammer was mostly just swearing at me, and calling me terrible things I can’t repeat here. I was mostly being pretty nice.
And to turn this all into a neat little metaphor, photos are a little like that. There are these soft spaces of quiet where I begin to imagine that I actually look the way I look in the mirror, to myself, on a good day. Or the way I feel when I’m grinning. Or dancing. Seriously, when I put on music and dance by myself (which I would never really do, of course, cause that would be weird…), I feel like I look really, really hot. My body moves in such cool ways, and I think things like, “Who could resist this? And THIS? Yeah, that’s right.” And “Damn, girl! Make that booty go!” And I do. Make that booty go, that is. But I do not want to see myself doing it. Because I know what would happen. I wouldn’t see a sex goddess, or Salome, but a nerdy Jewish girl who is obviously trying way too hard. And who doesn’t seem to know quite what to do with all the junk in her trunk.
That part’s the jackhammer, by the way. Lost track of my metaphor for a moment, there. I’m wearing this clinging, awesome pink shirt I just got, and I am convinced that I look amazing. And then someone takes a picture. JACKHAMMER. I never want to wear the shirt again. Can I tell you something really terrible? Sometimes I never do. I try to convince myself to. I try to pair it with other pants. A skirt. Damnit, stilts and a clown suit. Nope. I never fall for the tricks.
So of course everyone wants to see the photos. I got married, I was a bride. Bear was a groom (not that people are as excited about grooms).There was this beautiful wedding. And I hope everyone who was there remembers with incredible clarity how beautiful I was, because the pictures might tell a very different story. And it’s a story I’ve been afraid of hearing, since the beginning of this process, when I first began planning the wedding. When I chose a photographer who specialized in sort of blurry, photojournalistic shots. When I chose a venue that was dark and mysterious. It’s not like I sat around thinking about this all the time (sheesh. I think about tons of other things. Like the meaning of life, for example), but it was there, wiggling around in my almost-consciousness.
(The venue is so photogenic)
We haven’t gotten the official photos back yet. And I’m completely fine with that. And then my mom sent me some photos, taken by various guests who had smuggled in their illegal weapons of doom and despair and cheerfully snapped a few shots. Bear and I started leafing through them (soon the word “leaf” in this sense will be completely lost to the world, because of computers, so I’m keeping it incorrectly alive), and we didn’t get very far before we had to pause in abject horror.
“I’m a monster,” he said. “You married a monster.”
“No,” I said, “I swear you’ve never made that face in your life. Not even once. You weren’t even making it there.”
And then, me, “Seriously? Do I have a double chin? Tell me right now. I mean, if I did, I would come to terms with it, eventually, but I really don’t think I do. I really don’t think it makes sense for me to, based on the way my face works. You know? That can’t be right.”
“You don’t look like that,” he said. “Wow, that’s a really bad picture of you, actually.” (I love Bear for being able to admit when I look bad in a picture. He seems as surprised as I am, which makes me realize that however awful I look there, that’s not how he sees me.)
“That’s a really bad picture of you,” I said.
We started laughing. We were practically hysterical. We looked so incredibly bad at our own wedding. There it was. The secret worst wedding nightmare. We sat there on the couch, making the ugliest faces we could think of at each other, like, “This is me! Take a picture! I’m gorgeous! It’s my perfect wedding day!”
I sent a quick email to my mom, saying, “We’re going to kill ourselves now.”
She wrote back with a huge email about how beautiful we were in the pictures, and how happy we looked, and how I should maybe take my own advice once in a while, you know, being that I write this blog. It was very sweet of her. And my mother has always been a staunch defender of my beauty and worth, for which I cannot thank her enough. Sometimes she gets really angry at me for being mean to myself (in whatever form). And it’s actual anger, not like, “Oh, stop it, you!” She’s like, “OK. You’re done now. You’re being completely absurd.” Which honestly, I’ve always appreciated. But this time I found myself writing immediately back, “It’s really better if you just acknowledge that we look terrible in some of the photos. That way I know you know what I really look like.” That seemed like the most important thing. In retrospect, she probably does know what I look like, for real, but is more concerned with “WEDDING” than individual pictures.
(My grandmother, looking lovely, as always. And Bear, waiting for me. This is a classic iphone wedding shot by my talented aunt Joyce. I’d be happy if they all came out like this.)
Still, it’s one thing to look terrible in some photos of the most magical day of your life. It’s another thing entirely for your family and friends to go and hang those same photos on their wall and go around telling everyone this is you. I hardly even know that person. Maybe we had coffee once or something. A shade of her pops up occasionally in the bathroom mirror. But she is definitely not me. And it’s important that the real me gets the credit, not the demon haunting her.
The truth is, after Bear and I stopped laughing hysterically and being stunned by some of the more lavishly ugly of our images, we noticed a few really good ones. There I was, looking genuinely beautiful, and Bear was handsome and noble in his tux. There I was smiling hugely, and not looking exactly beautiful, but really looking so happy that it didn’t matter at all. There was Bear, doing exactly the same. We weren’t precisely ourselves. I can point out the subtle differences. But it was close enough.
You know, it’s New York City, there will always be jackhammers. But there will always also be the realization that I am actually really sexy when I dance alone in my apartment. Come on, with a booty like that? How can I even help it?
(or maybe I’ll just get my own jackhammer and fight back. source)
* * * * *
Un-roast: Today I love the way I smell when I haven’t taken a shower yet that day. I know that’s a really gross thing to admit, but it’s true. I like my real smell.
P.S. Thanks to a certain reader’s husband for taking some truly flattering photos of us! There’s hope!
P.P.S. Vote, people!
Kate on November 2nd 2010 in Uncategorized
Cindy responded on 02 Nov 2010 at 12:35 pm #
i absolutely adored this post! it really made my day, and i actually had to come up with a quick excuse as to why i was laughing hysterically while working. thank god for quick cover ups. im glad that you & bear can be so open and honest and happy with each other!
Kate responded on 02 Nov 2010 at 12:38 pm #
The thought of you laughing at work while reading this post made MY day. What an awesome compliment! <3
Virginia responded on 02 Nov 2010 at 1:28 pm #
After our wedding, the very first photos I saw (practically the next day) were some of the amateur shots taken by friends and I had a moment of abject horror — I think I was expecting the Bridal Glow to kind of take over in every photo, no matter how poor the lighting or angle or camera quality, and instead, of course, there are tons of pictures out there where I definitely do not have that Bridal Glow. We got married on a humid day in June, outside, and so I have a pretty different kind of glow.
But on the other hand, I sort of love that there are all these pictures of the day where I look completely human (even unflatteringly human) because I like looking back and recognizing myself, not thinking “who IS that ravishing creature?! When was I ever her?!”
And at the same time, I fully admit to liking that there are many pictures where I look insanely stunning, often to the point where I don’t quite recognize myself.
Joyce responded on 02 Nov 2010 at 1:54 pm #
Even as I’m reading your post, there are men on my deck sledgehammering away the dryrot. I bet that some of the pictures you think are dorky or less than flattering are the ones that will make you smile in fond remembrance years from now.
janetha g. responded on 02 Nov 2010 at 2:33 pm #
Great post, I can relate 🙂
adria responded on 02 Nov 2010 at 3:55 pm #
goodness, i love your blog!
i filled up (and maybe snorted a bit) with laughter at the thought of the two of you (whom, i don’t know at all, but have very vivid pictures of what i think you might look like, and you’re both quite adorable) sitting together and making ridiculous faces at each other to try to recreate what you were seeing in your photos.
brilliant. 🙂
Cindy responded on 02 Nov 2010 at 5:39 pm #
I’m with your Mom!
“Oh Stop it You.”
and you ARE being absurd.
yes, sometimes a less than flattering picture gets taken.
oopsie.
People in this life are too bent on being critical and mean to lie when they say you were and ARE beautiful..and your wedding was gorgeous…and your MARRIED…and your real wedding pics (the ones that you keep and pay for) are PERFECT.
iPhone pictures are troll fodder.
sheez.
Bear, would you smack her please!
thank you.
that is all.
xoxoxoxxo
ps please stop teasing us with your almost shots of your wedding.
Just one amazing Mrs. Bear in her dress is all I ask.
Happy Tuesday Beautiful Lady
San D responded on 02 Nov 2010 at 6:07 pm #
Remember, when WE see the photos, we see something different than what YOU see. Yup, it’s crazy, I know. What I saw were two people who were madly in love, and had blocked out the rest of us. I saw a beams of light, miles of smiles, full hearts, and hands touching. Oh yeah, and there was a beautiful girl and a charmingly handsome boy, lots of stunning dresses, flowers, and ethereal music . Memories, shared stories, and future predictions were all part of the table talk over the floral arrangements. When the photos come in, they will only stop moments in time, to jog your memories years from now.
Kate responded on 02 Nov 2010 at 6:37 pm #
@Cindy
I just sent you some photos, since you asked 🙂 Check your email.
anna and the ring responded on 02 Nov 2010 at 7:45 pm #
Thank you.
I will be reading this when my photographs come back.
Katherine responded on 02 Nov 2010 at 8:05 pm #
Like Cindy, I would also love to see photos of Mr. Cake and Mrs. Bear! I thought there might be some in this post (though the post itself is awesome on its own).
On the topic of jackhammers: ohhhhh I know what you mean. Having lived in major cities for the past 10 years, I’m sadly familiar with construction workers disrupting one’s sleep. The absolute worst is when the noise will wake me up just one hour before I need to get up for work, and I do that thing that you described, of peacefully, gratefully drifting back to sleep for just an instant before being JOLTED AWAKE again. I will admit, actually, to sometimes weeping helplessly in those moments and silently pleading with the construction people to just stop, for like, 30 minutes or so because I got to bed late and now they’re depriving me of even more sleep and don’t they know that I’m so emotional and sluggish when I’m overtired that they’ve basically gone and ruined my whole day??? The response, of course:
BAM. Bambambambambambambambambambambam
It’s abusive, I tell you.
Kate responded on 02 Nov 2010 at 8:19 pm #
@Katherine
Mr.Cake! Fantastic!
I know. I had this big debate with myself over whether or not to include real photos. But I didn’t want it to be more of a wedding showcase than it was. After all, I have to make some general points once in a while, and stop just whining about my life.
I probably won’t be able to resist, after the majority of the photos come back, though. I can only hold out for so long…
Cari Ellen responded on 02 Nov 2010 at 9:19 pm #
Dearest Kate,
I still feel like I am walking on air when I think about the energy of that momentous celebration! And all I have to say about the whole photo thing is – just wait for the “real” ones!!! No offense to all the guests who lovingly and adoringly snapped their iphones with glee… But the reason that the professional photographers make the big bucks is because their art is actually capturing the real beauty of the moment, not just with their hearts but with their lens. When those shots are finally up (I am waiting with baited breath!), You will see with your own eyes (and thoroughly appreciate) the real beauty and love that you both (and everyone else) was feeling on that day. You will see yourself radiating that gorgeous blushing bride/renaissance goddess glow and Simon will see himself as the handsome, suave and completely smitten groom he was. You were both so dreamy to behold and I look forward to seeing the photos that tell that part of the visual story.
love you & congrats again!!!!
ce
Kate responded on 02 Nov 2010 at 10:33 pm #
@Cari Ellen
Written like a true professional photographer!
Thank you!
Wei-Wei responded on 03 Nov 2010 at 6:56 am #
I think it really is great how comfortable you are with Bear. I really wish I could be that comfortable with someone… Oh, and let’s be honest; we all have bad photos. But we also all have good ones! (I just have a tendency towards the bad…)
Angela Jones responded on 03 Nov 2010 at 1:00 pm #
Wow! The venue was gorgeous! I cannot wait to see photos of you and Bear. I know you looked beautiful. By the way, I too dance infront of the mirror quite often! It all started when my husband was out of town and the kids and I had a dance party, I put them to bed and continued the party alone! It was great! Doesn’t if feel good to let go and just be goofy and fun! My mom to this day gets upset with me for putting myself down, my husband is the same way, and growing up my mom would always tell me I was “just right and “perfect just as I am”. I used to get upset with her because I thought she was just lying or just being mom, but now that I am a mother, I look at my kids and I feel the same way. They are just perfect as they are and I wouldn’t want them to change one bit. Congratulations to you and Bear. I am so happy for the both of you. xx
Ellie Di responded on 03 Nov 2010 at 1:08 pm #
We still haven’t gotten our official wedding pictures back, and we got married June 2009. I wish I knew what I looked like through the “professional” lens on that day. What I do have is all the non-pro pictures – in which we all look terrible and beautiful at the same time. It’s just that kinda day.
Abe responded on 04 Nov 2010 at 6:16 pm #
I’m sure your Uncle Zeb thought you both looked perfect (and that he’s right).
My solution to wedding photos: use props as a distraction, like a taco from your wedding taco truck … http://goo.gl/SywMj
Or force Uncle Zeb into making them laugh so hard that they can’t see me through their tear filled, squinting eyes:
http://goo.gl/k4dZK
Barbara W responded on 05 Nov 2010 at 12:24 pm #
San D expressed so well the way the I think about photos. They bring back the memories and the feelings of the occasion. Even all the silly candids with people’s mouths open and eyes closed are, like San D says, moments in time that we cherish. String them together, and it is almost as good as being there again.
Rebecca responded on 16 Nov 2010 at 4:44 pm #
Girl,
most of us can’t take a decent photo, really.
The ubiquity of cameras does not everyone a good photographer make.
I get rid of unflattering or poor photos,
because I do not believe they are a true representation of the person I am shooting (and I’m not a professional, by any means).
I’m so glad you could laugh at those with Bear–
I have to do that with some of the shots my parents get of me (I never knew I was capable of having so many chins!).
Keep dancing, Mrs. Thang.
You keep right on. 🙂