Who gets to decide how many babies you have?
Time Magazine recently featured an article by Lauren Sandler called “The Only Child: Debunking the Myths.” It is about the stigma placed on only children and their parents, the pressures parents face to have another, and another. The idea that one is always just the beginning. Sandler points out that only children tend to succeed (academically, socially, in terms of their fashion sense and ability to pick the best pizza toppings) at higher rates than those with siblings. She talks about raising a kid in this economy, and why it might not make sense, on a very practical level, to have more.
Long stereotyped as spoiled misfits, Sandler argues that only children are pretty great. I read this article not only because I think the word “singleton” is hilarious, but because it’s true that people say, “So, when do you think you’ll have kids?” Plural.
Rabbi Shmuley Boteach wrote a hot refute of the piece in The Jewish Standard, arguing that parents who think about having children in terms of whether or not they will make life more difficult are being selfish. He’s like, “The disgustingly selfish Time Magazine writer asks parents to think about whether having another child will make them happier. THEM HAPPIER. As though a child is some sort of high-tech gizmo or fashionable accessory!” (This is not exactly what he says, which is why I used the word “like.” See, Mom? There are times when it’s completely appropriate and not just a frustratingly teenaged substitution for “said.”)
Honestly, I’m not sure how people have children without thinking somewhat practically about how the decision will change their lives. And simultaneously, I’m not sure how people ever have (a) kid/s when they are thinking practically. On average, $250,000 on each one, BEFORE college? That helpless, overwhelming, ancient love you pour into them, and then they are thirteen, rolling their eyes whenever you say something, clearly better at computers than you’ve ever been or ever will be, and already making out with the most terrible other teenager they can find. I mean, it’s the classic story, but it’s terrifying.
(a kitten. source)
I am thinking about getting a kitten. Here is my list of pros and cons:
Pros: Really, really cute, furry, sweet eyes, does funny stuff, will maybe force me to be more responsible, I wanted one when I was a kid, I have dreams about cats, it will sleep a lot
Cons: Litter box, have to feed it all the time, can’t go away on the weekends without leaving it with someone or taking it along, fur everywhere, fur on my black clothes, it will make me want to wash my hands all the time, have to take it to the vet, spend money on it all the time, it might chew on stuff or scratch stuff, I might love it and then one day it will get sick and I’ll be so sad, and I’ll have to watch it die, and it’ll be the end of an era, but before that I’ll have to give it tons of shots and cram medicine into bits of cheese and lace tuna with drugs.
I said to Bear, “I am too irresponsible for a cat! How can I ever have a baby?”
And when I said it, I was talking about one baby. An only baby. Not two babies. Or three. Or nine, like the rabbi (who wrote the singeing rebuttal) and his wife have.
I am probably selfish. The rabbi would say that about me, and he would be right. But I agree with Sandler’s stance on onlies (she calls them that. It’s not as good as singletons, but I like it). They shouldn’t be stigmatized, and neither should their parents. Parents are people, too. If they don’t want to have more children, the world shouldn’t require an explanation from them. It’s their family, their lives, and yes, it’s their money.
Slight disclaimer: I love my brothers and am glad I’m not a singleton. So I appreciate my parents’ decision a lot, too.
Additional slight disclaimer: My brother is leaving his kitten with Bear and I for winter break. He’s bringing her to the city tomorrow. I am really, really excited.
* * * *
Un-roast: Today I love how my feet look in big furry slipper socks. Thank you to Bear for taping the window in the bedroom. It is less freezing in the apartment now. I’m not wearing a scarf as I write this.
New post at Un-schooled, about a character named Stargirl, and how I tried to be just like her for a little while.
Kate on December 15th 2010 in Uncategorized
Christin@purplebirdblog responded on 15 Dec 2010 at 2:58 pm #
I am the only product of my parents, and my half-siblings are so much older than me that I grew up practically as an only child. I definitely excelled in school, but I also fit the stereotype of the spoiled brat to a certain extent. Still. At 28. 🙂
I think by the time I am ready to have children, I may only have time to have one, and I would be completely okay with that. I would make sure said child got a lot more socialization than I did so as to ensure they learned sharing and what not, but one kid sounds kind of appealing, I have to admit. I come from a small family, which may have some influence on it as well… and as much I love other people’s big families, I could be very content with a tiny one. Plus I like dogs more than kids anyway, so one kid and 3-5 dogs would be pretty sweet.
Samantha Angela @ Bikini Birthday responded on 15 Dec 2010 at 3:01 pm #
Generally I like what Rabbi Schmuley has to say, but I’m totally confused by his logic here;
He says that his “decision to have nine children revolved around a simple love of kids” but then says that parents who have children for their own happiness actually burden their children.
If he loves kids and enjoys the pleasures of parenting then his decision to have 9 of them really is, even if only in part, for his own happiness. Is it not?
Kate responded on 15 Dec 2010 at 3:21 pm #
@Samantha
Yeah, it was confusing.
Virginia responded on 15 Dec 2010 at 4:49 pm #
If I have to be totally selfless in order to have a child (or children), then sign me up for non-parenthood. I think that Rabbi has some crazy logic there and that being a bit selfish in your decision to reproduce (and in how you parent said spawn afterwards) is a very good thing. Because your kids do need to eventually understand you are a whole separate human with your own wants/needs/life and they can be the center of your world without ruling your world. Your happiness still gets to matter! For goodness sake.
On the cat front: Get one, get one! Actually get two, because, unlike (some) only children, kittens get lonely. (Since it is much harder to find other ways to socialize them with their peers.) Oh and you can completely go away for the weekend. We have three (and yet, ironically, are extremely unlikely to ever have more than one child!) and have figured out that 3-ish days is the limit, but otherwise they are just fine and dandy if we leave them with enough food and water to survive without us that long.
Leah responded on 15 Dec 2010 at 5:02 pm #
Having a cat is great in a bunch of ways you won’t realize until you actually have one. I have a dog, which is more of a burden but sort of the same thing, and you’re forgetting the comfort of having something to greet you every day, the niceness of just petting something when you’re down, the fact that people with pets do better emotionally, the practice for your hypothetical child(ren) should you reproduce, that warm spot next to you on the couch when they’re just THERE. Plus, when you’re around other pet-people, you’ll have guaranteed stories to talk about.
As for kids, it’s not like they’re BROKEN if they’re just alone. Plus, if you can’t provide for them, you shouldn’t just have them for the sake of having them. I know plenty of people who were “singletons” (yes, great word) who turned out absolutely fine. I had a brother (and now have two more via marriage and yet another via work, long/uninteresting story) and I love him (all four of them) but think I would have been fine if they’d never existed. Much less battling over resources as children. Far fewer repremands from the parents. Bro and I had a lot of EPIC BATTLES as kids. There were the good times, too, like teaming up on the parents on vacation and using our stuffed animals to make plays or turning a refrigerator box into a space ship with pots and pans our heads as helmets. But if your kid winds up having, you know, FRIENDS, they’ll get a lot of the same experiences without all of the financial/emotional/environmental drawbacks. Like all things, there are pros and cons to this kind of situation.
rachel responded on 15 Dec 2010 at 5:08 pm #
Is having kids selfish? If by having you mean conceiving and giving birth to and not adopting, I don’t see how that isn’t selfish. Of course we do a lot of good and honorable things for selfish reasons, choosing to have biological children being one of the least morally questionable. Still, I think my partner and I would have a hard time justifying a decision to get pregnant (or even to adopt an infant) when there are so many kids struggling in foster care.
Get a cat! I’ve been pushing this on you since we met. Cats are awesome.
PS. I’m going to try to steal your brothers cat and take him on the plane with me. You have been warned. 🙂
Just Josie responded on 15 Dec 2010 at 6:44 pm #
It is my belief that human sexual reproduction is completely selfish and inexcusable. I think the same way with dogs and cats having more babies (and in other instances in which domestic animals are allowed to mate and/or humans benefit from the exploitation of the nonhuman animal family unit by forcing pregnancy on, say, cows). I am an extremist, and I’m okay with that.
San D responded on 15 Dec 2010 at 8:02 pm #
It is my opinion that as an outsider (one who doesn’t have kids but has witnessed many who have) that once you have a child you fall in love all over again, with the child, and that feeling is at once beautiful, strong, frightening and tender. Many choose to repeat that experience on different levels with multiple children. I have watched as many have calculated exactly when they would go back to work after having their child, and then watched again as they changed their minds after “meeting” and falling in love with their new baby. In other words, once you have a baby you are a changed human being. Simple as that. And that change will determine whether you will have more or not.
Karen responded on 15 Dec 2010 at 8:15 pm #
uh-oh, we might be keeping the cat here. are you okay with that? xoxo
Kate responded on 15 Dec 2010 at 8:27 pm #
@Karen
You are definitely not keeping her!
Amy responded on 15 Dec 2010 at 8:29 pm #
As far as your argument regarding the cat/ baby scenario: I have a black thumb. The blackest. I have a cactus that is still alive and thriving, but they’re supposed to, under harsh conditions. I kill all plants. I cannot grow a vegetable to save my soul. However, I am a GREAT mom. I love being a mom. And my little boy has successfully survived and thrived– even better than the cactus– under my care. So if you want a cat, get a cat. At least you don’t have to walk a cat. They’re awesome. And frankly, you don’t need to learn responsibility by getting a cat. Believe me, they’re nothing like children, and will not prepare you for having kids, if or when you do. So if you want a kid, have a kid. Or if you just think kitties are cute, get one. They are cute! And their cuteness will be enough to remind you to care for it.
Regarding the selfishness, you may be selfish in wanting one– whatever– but there is nothing like motherhood to show you how selfLESS you can be. Life is no longer about you. It’s about them. Then you. And that’s ok. It’s not like you lose yourself completely, but priorities and attention shift to someone else, more than ever before. Selfish no more.
Kate responded on 15 Dec 2010 at 8:34 pm #
@Amy
Good point. There’s probably nothing that can prepare a person for having a baby, anyway.
camelshoes responded on 15 Dec 2010 at 9:08 pm #
Hi Kate,
If you cat-sit your brothers cat, you will be able to have a little taste of what having a cat will be like. I think in pros, you should also have reduces stress levels (pets in general do this) and can give you lots of love in return.
Also, it’s wonderful that you are putting lots of thought into it – vet visits, feeding/cleaning the litter tray, who will be caring for it when you go on holiday etc. I worry about people who get a pet without first considering all the responsibilities and expense that go along with it. So you will be fine!
– Kate camelshoes
San D responded on 16 Dec 2010 at 7:13 am #
What pets give you is unconditional love, they ask for so little, and give so much. Having dealt with children all of my life, I can say that you will find that not to be true for all the stages of your relationship with your child. Sometimes, you as a parent will give unconditional love (from your perspective, ask for so little (maybe) and give a lot (perhaps). Same for the other way around. Having children is infinitely more complicated that loving and caring for a pet, and a borrowed one at that.
Jo responded on 16 Dec 2010 at 7:28 am #
Kitties are less of a problem to take care of than you’d think. You can get some kinds of litter or litter accesories so you’d only have to change it once a week(or less), it can stay a weekend alone, and it can be trained to not destroy your furniture. And they only shed a few months a year, and the fur can be minimal if you dedicate some extra time to cleaning up and brushing the kitty, which is an oh-so-lovely activity.
Also, they give you better dreams!
Cindy responded on 16 Dec 2010 at 11:08 am #
I know you know I’m a mom at heart, and in some ways I am so happy that the younger gen is giving child rearing a hearty consideration because I don’t think it needs to be everyone’s job.
It IS a never ending process of self-less-ness and balance; a good lesson indeed.
You learn a LOT about yourself. You are totally challenged and realize a lot about your own childhood you might not realize.
and it’s a huge responsibility.
I never felt it was a sacrifice. I have 3 (kind of) “onlies” and it used to make me sad (that they are so far apart in age) but our family has it’s uniqueness, we are very close despite my step-daugther (22), Teenager(16) and toddler’s (2.5) age difference.
San D is right. Motherhood (and parenthood) changes you in deep deep ways.
My boys have a lot of needs right now. It’s a full time job (after my full time job) and the raising of our family, hopefully will help define us for years to come. My biggest joy in life will see that I (hopefully) raised independant, free-thinking, happy young men! Plus a family with deep bonds.
I am looking forward to the days ahead where (hopefully) I can be a big part of my grand-children’s lives too.
If my children can’t or don’t want to have families of thier own I will probably find myself working with children or will anyways.
I like Rabbi Schmuly too but he confuses me at times.
xo
Teri responded on 16 Dec 2010 at 11:35 am #
I think the Rabbi was trying to say people who routinely say thinks like “I WANT a baby” are thinking wrong. You will never “own” another person, but the little one will definitely “own” you. Much like your future cat 🙂
Kate responded on 16 Dec 2010 at 11:46 am #
@Teri
But what’s wrong with wanting a baby? Even though you don’t own your baby, you are the one who is responsible for every aspect of its well being. And while it won’t know it’s even alive for a while, your life will be dramatically changed.
Jewel of Toronto responded on 16 Dec 2010 at 1:19 pm #
Like Josie, I think having children is completely and utterly selfish. You’re having kids for your own sake; it’s not like the kids asked to be born. Naturally, I expect the Rabbi to tell me that it is my duty to have children and that God wants me to have children but since I’m an atheist this doesn’t hold water.
Cindy responded on 16 Dec 2010 at 1:48 pm #
just a thought but when I was a young adult, and “wanting a baby” what I was really dreaming about and looking forward too and planning on “having a family” of my own. A family to love, be a part of and experience life with.
I never remember thinking of a baby as something I “had or owned” but a precious new life to nurture and help him/her find thier unique gifts in life.
that’s how I still see it.
it’s a grave responsiblity. One that shouldn’t be taken lightly.
Unless you are the product of Narcisstic parents who have children for the sole purpose to have “mirrors” to be reflections of themselves…in order to validate to the world that they are “okay” or good or whatever.
than…not so much.
just my 2 cents.
Amelia Jane responded on 16 Dec 2010 at 2:47 pm #
Yeah, having kids is almost never done for the unborn kids’ sake. ‘But think how cold and uncertain it is, being a sperm!’ Isn’t the following logic to fertilise EVERY. EGG. POSSIBLE? By which, parents have kids because they want a tiny version of them to brainwash into having a better life than they did. This is the only reason I would have a kid, but then, also, there are millions of child slaves in the world and if I really loved kids, I would be helping them not to be slaves anymore, rather than impregnating my wife (I don’t actually know if this Rabbi helps child slaves to not be, but with 9 kids, how much time do he and his lady wife have for social justice activism?) Anyway. I figured out early on that there are enough needy kids in the world without me popping one or two out, selfishly!, and I’d rather go work with them.
P.S! I would probably have been even more of a tiny spoilt asshole if I’d been an only child, although perhaps less violent? Who can say.
Did responded on 16 Dec 2010 at 5:56 pm #
My husband is an only child because his parents could not have more. He excelled in everything and is successful, and is not the stereotypical spoiled brat, but quite the opposite.
We, however, have chosen to have no children, which has brought about its own judgment. The decision whether to have one or more children is one best left to the persons who must raise them, based on what they believe they can handle. It is not selfish. To populate the world with children simply because one CAN is not only selfish but irresponsible, which I see every day in the rampant child abuse and neglect.
Choosing to reproduce only the number of children you believe you can properly raise (even if that number is zero) is the responsible thing, and it isn’t always about money or being tied down. It is knowing yourself and whether you believe you can modify your lifestyle or perhaps your own personality to dedicate the attention and care a child deserves.
Ivy responded on 18 Dec 2010 at 8:45 pm #
Cats! Awesome.
Also, totally able to be left alone for a weekend without any problem, as long as there’s extra food and water. They don’t binge like dogs; they’ll eat the food slowly. Or, if longer, you can find pet sitters super easily.
As for only children–it’s tough. I’m an only child and there are a lot of great things and advantages I had that I might not have if I had siblings. But, it’s also scary sometimes; I feel like once my parents pass on, I’m going to have no connections left to my past. And I know that the entirety of caring for them as they age will fall to me. Not that either of those are reason to have more than one child if one is all you want; just to say there are pros and cons to each.
Sarah responded on 20 Dec 2010 at 2:47 am #
I stumbled onto your blog reading one of my other favorites and fell in love, so I hope you don’t mind the late-new-comer comment.
I have two kids, and it was only because I gave in to totally selfish, absolutely unpractical WANT WANT WANT feelings that I have them. Once I had my first, I was fairly certain that I was done. One was totally doable. She was still pretty portable and amenable. My second was a bit of a fluke and although wanted in that greedy “I want to snuffle a fat baby cheek and slerbert his belly” sort of way, I wouldn’t exactly say he was entirely planned. I still had a raging one-versus-two monologue going on in my head when I discovered I was pregnant (which was a bit of a miracle given the state of my sex life at the time). For the first 3 years of his life, I missed the easy 1-kid scenario. Although my oldest dearly loves her brother now, it was definitely touch-and-go for quite a while. There were pleas to put him back where he came from, there was that incident when she approached him wielding a fondue fork…
All of this is to say, kitten!
Kate responded on 20 Dec 2010 at 12:11 pm #
@Sarah
Welcome! And I love your description of your reasons for having babies. Pretty appealing.
I once threw a can of tuna at my younger brother. But these days we’re really close.
LG responded on 22 Dec 2010 at 3:56 pm #
Hm. The whole idea of being able to choose how many kids you want seems laughable as my husband and I go through the battery of initial tests for fertility. Conceiving just one would be nice for now. (One out of 10 couples have trouble conceiving…one out of 10, people.)
LS responded on 15 Jan 2011 at 4:08 am #
EXACTLY! From the point of view of having only one child and not being able to have another, no matter how much we tried, I would say, if you want one, just do it and don’t waste precious time analyzing too much. It’s just a basic human need for most people.