Guilty
It was the first day of the new year. I got out a notebook and a pen and told Bear we were going to do New Year’s resolutions. I wrote our names at the top. Under mine, I wrote, “Work out more.”
Bear said, “Win the lottery.” And then, “Don’t write that down! That’s not a real one! Write ‘procrastinate less.'”
Oliver Sacks has a piece in the New York Times about how capable brains are of changing. I didn’t really believe him about the blind boy who could play video games by making clicking sounds that worked like dolphins’ sonar, but when he said something about how everyone’s New Year’s resolution is always, absolutely without fail, to work out more, I felt like he was staring me down through the page (screen. obviously. I haven’t held a physical newspaper since I was about ten). I am everyone. I am totally boring. And my brain will probably never change because of it. I can’t even produce a decent clicking sound.
(tell me your secret!! source)
OK, I’m almost not everyone, because after “work out more,” I wrote, “Feel less guilty.” Which is a tough assignment.
I think that out of all the negative emotions, I am probably best at guilt. I do it prolifically, with the fluency of a natural, and the flair and subtlety of a true artist. I can feel guilty about almost anything. Like not remembering to say goodbye to someone at a party. Or neglecting to email someone back within a day after remembering that they sent me a friendly message last year. I can maintain both short and long term guilt simultaneously: guilt because I haven’t washed the dishes in the sink and guilt because I haven’t learned anything about the stock market yet, which I’ve been meaning to do forever, and which I suspect I’ll never do because if the guilt hasn’t worked so far, when will it? And while I’m feeling guilty about the stock market, I remind myself that, more generally, I don’t know enough about managing money. Which is an incredibly important life skill. And it’s astounding that I’ve made it this far with so little knowledge about it. And there’s a real chance that I won’t make it much farther. And when that happens, I’ll have no one to blame but myself. Who I’m already blaming.
Guilt was hiding behind the first thing I wrote on the page, too. I don’t work out enough. It’s unhealthy. I feel the unhealthiness, like a big, muddy glob, coagulating inside me, every time I eat another cheeseburger and don’t correct the balance of the cosmos by jogging on a treadmill for more than 25 minutes (it’s only after 25 minutes, I keep hearing, that you finally start burning calories for REAL. Or something). The cosmos is very clear about cheeseburgers and treadmills and how the former cannot be permitted to exist without the latter. It’s practically biblical.
(first this. source)
(and then this. source)
Feeling guilty is mostly a useless emotion. I think that it’s motivated me to do something sooner than I would have otherwise about seven times in my life. A to-do list works a lot better. My friend Tonie said, “If you want to work out, then when you get out of bed in the morning, put on your workout clothes. Don’t even think about thinking about how you should work out. Just put on the clothes. And then you’ll work out.” I think the message is: you’ll feel really stupid walking around in those clothes otherwise.
And that’s the thing. Most of the time, in order to do things, you just have to do them. It’s not particularly poetic, and it’s far from profound.
And here’s another thing: about a year ago, I wanted to go to the gym to lose weight. It was a secret. I kept telling myself it was about health. But it wasn’t. It was about how I look. How I look is pretty thin. But I was thinking it wasn’t thin enough. I was thinking everything would look sexier on me if I was thinner.
But this New Year, it’s different. Which is not a promise that it will always be different.
I went to the gym last night, with Bear. We were jogging next to each other, on the treadmills with the broken TVs attached. Well, he was running. I was jogging and then walking and then jogging for a minute and then walking for a long time. I saw myself in the mirror as I jogged, and my arms were a little chubby and my butt was bouncing all over the place. I looked cute, and I thought, “Look how awesome I am, getting healthy!” And then I didn’t think anything else.
Really, thinking about that moment retrospectively, I have this urge to throw myself a party. Happy New Year!
Oliver Sacks had a point. And I’m gonna work on that guilt.
* * *
Un-roast: I love the way my hair looks when it’s really tangled. I don’t know why so many un-roasts are about my hair.
New post at Un-schooled, about homeschoolers, testing, and tax breaks
Kate on January 6th 2011 in Uncategorized
Lonelily responded on 06 Jan 2011 at 12:10 pm #
I love your writing style! Also, I have to say, I’m terrible about New Year’s Resolutions. I actually NEVER make them because I know I probably won’t fulfill them. This year, I began making goals for myself each season. This way, there’s not so much pressure every January, which, let’s face it, is already long and depressing enough.
Abby responded on 06 Jan 2011 at 12:11 pm #
I made a New Years Resolution as well, only mine is much more specific. The specificity helps me to keep on track. I also decided to blog about it – so I hope it keeps me motivated the way this seems to motivate you.
Kate responded on 06 Jan 2011 at 12:21 pm #
@Lonelily
You’re definitely smarter than me 🙂 Love the idea of seasonal goals!
Jessica responded on 06 Jan 2011 at 12:26 pm #
Good for you! Sometimes you just gotta do and not think, glad you went through with it!
Ellie Di responded on 06 Jan 2011 at 12:35 pm #
Guilt is something I’m good at, too. I think of it like a WWF match: on the surface, it’s a brutal clash of titans, but in the end, it’s all fake and doesn’t actually matter. The guilt I feel is a product of my own imagination; I’m really good at making up things to feel bad about. Over the years, I’ve gotten better at cutting it off at the knees, but every once in a while, it sneaks up behind me and whangs me in the head with a folding chair.
Kate responded on 06 Jan 2011 at 12:39 pm #
@Ellie Di
Amazing description! I laughed
Kellie responded on 06 Jan 2011 at 1:40 pm #
So I ponder……………. what you wrote… I feel guilty about the things I thought I should be able to control, and in reality they weren’t.
When I think back on the last 20 years of my life, I realize how much I allowed my life to be controlled by someone making me feel as if I was responsible for someone else’s life. (and not a child’s or my child’s at the time) We’re talking about me feeling like I had to protect my parents and my adult siblings like they couldn’t protect themselves… and if I had left like I wanted to before I was brainwashed into believing that I had to protect them my life would have been so different.
I’m not complaining but in retrospect (hindsight) well I wish I had known then what I know now and I would have been so much further ahead without a weight of someone’s threats upon my shoulders until the day he dies.. when I can feel free again.
It’s not even like I’ve seen my ex in years… but the threat of him still being out there scares me and I find myself not living my life.
It can really smother a person guilt.
So years ago I stopped making resolutions, ever since I did make one come true leaving a violent person behind to save myself and my daughter.
It was the biggest step I’ve ever taken… but the remnants of his ghost still persist, not as strong but it’s still there.. reminders that I’m not totally free, and in that I find the one New Years Resolution I’ve never accomplished yet…. taking back my power fully, and living life to the fullest….
So don’t feel guilty about the small things, cause they find ways of evening themselves out.. it’s those large ones..that stare us in the face every morning.. the important ones… the ones that weigh on our shoulders we need to work on. Even if it’s psychological. Those are the worst ones, I think cause they eat at us, then you forget and once again months down the road you are quickly reminded…
So, since I’m not a person to hold grudges, or to wear my worries… I feel at peace with where I am, and who I am..well except when I get my butt kicked in Kinect by my kids.. LOL all that jumping and bending..makes me realize how old I’m getting….
My life is probably right where I’m suppose to be, still learning. still growing and still realizing there is a lot out there I’ll never understand, and that’s fine.. I can GOOGLE it. 😉
Happy New Year.. may one resolution come true that you don’t have to work hard at, and one resolution keep you working hard that is fun.♥
allison marie responded on 06 Jan 2011 at 1:52 pm #
as a former catholic, I practically majored in guilt. Isn’t it the worst? I’m so proud of you for recognizing that you are feeling is guilt – I had a hard time struggling trying to differentiate guilt and self-loathing for a long time. Identifying the emotion is the first step to not feeling it anymore 🙂
Christin@purplebirdblog responded on 06 Jan 2011 at 2:50 pm #
I jogged a little bit on my walk with the dogs last night (which I NEVER do), and it felt pretty great. Maybe I’ll jog a bit more tonight too. 🙂
LG responded on 06 Jan 2011 at 5:40 pm #
Hey, at least guilty people make good managers! (Or so says the Harvard Business Review…http://blogs.hbr.org/ideacast/2010/12/guilty-people-make-good-manage.html# )
:0)
B.T. responded on 06 Jan 2011 at 6:06 pm #
Hilarious, somehow. Even though it’s about guilt.
And the piece by Sacks was pretty interesting!
JEss responded on 06 Jan 2011 at 9:50 pm #
I loved this!!!
Good luck figuring out the stock market though…
The Banjer » Blog Archive » On guilt responded on 07 Jan 2011 at 2:34 am #
[…] Source: Eat the Damn Cake […]
Cindy responded on 07 Jan 2011 at 11:25 am #
gosh I was driven most of my entire life by guilt and I spent a LOT of years, tears and hard work getting off that train.
I am very careful with my feelings and energy and I feel as free as I’ve ever been.
I also loved Kellie’s comment….I’ve been there !!!!
it’s worth getting violent people out of your head. it’s a hard way to live..with fear…TRUST ME!
don’t live with guilt.
and I love New Year’s Resolutions. I love to challenge myself, and grow and learn and do new things I never thought I could (like run)
xoxoxoxo
2girlsonabench responded on 07 Jan 2011 at 12:37 pm #
Honesty is refreshing and we appreciate your explanation of the cosmic balance of cheeseburgers and treadmills, we’ve been wondering about that for quite some time. We got guilt too, (all writers do, it’s like our hidden superpower) we find a slurpee usually puts it to bed for a while. Happy New Year!
Tamar responded on 08 Jan 2011 at 2:34 pm #
I think the key statement you made here is that guilt isn’t even useful for most things! I feel guilty about everything, but the guilt is never my motivator when I actually do something about it. I think it’s because the guilt doesn’t go away when you’ve done something you felt guilty about- there’s always something new to feel guilty about, or about 70 things at the same time.
About the gym, as a regular gym rat who actually enjoys it, all I can offer is that supposedly it takes 21 days to make a habit, so as you said, just DO it, and then it’ll be a habit. It’s true for me; I feel like something is missing if I don’t get time at the gym. Aside from that, get off the treadmill!! Ha, I hate those things, and would rather use any other machine at the gym. Plus, running hurts. 🙂
Just Josie responded on 09 Jan 2011 at 4:08 pm #
Guilt and pity are both two really useless emotions. I don’t “do” New Year’s Resolutions, just because I know that a new year is not enough to motivate me; however, I’ve been working to stop dwelling on my past. Sometimes, I really hate myself, and I get these weird little out-of-the-blue cringe-inducing moments in which I remember something, and I’m immediately like, “Eeew, I hate you, Josie”. But now I’m just like, “Everybody fucks up, you’re being unproductive, stop feeling guilty, etc…”, and thus far, it’s working pretty well. : )
Sunday List-O-Mania Round One! « You Can Get Fit! responded on 09 Jan 2011 at 7:50 pm #
[…] Kate from Eat The Damn Cake talks about guilt. […]
Treadmills responded on 11 Jan 2011 at 1:27 am #
It is interesting put burger and treadmill together. One bad plus one good, who know the results.
Emmi responded on 15 Mar 2011 at 2:57 pm #
One of my mantras is, nothing good ever came from guilt. EVER. Because it’s almost universally unproductive, always experienced after the fact, and usually over something that only I even thought of. So I refuse to feel it anymore. Otherwise I drive myself nuts 😛
When I start to feel it, I rationally tell myself why I *shouldn’t* feel it, and then go off and do something to alleviate it, either by addressing the issue with the person(s) involved, or directing my nervous energy into something else. Life is too short.