No more boys
I realized something big the other day. It was an epiphany, I think. I mean, it was on that level. The world opened up. I understood reality in completely new terms. I saw the light. It was beautiful.
I don’t think about boys anymore.
That is it. That’s what I realized. It looks so small when I write it. Like it doesn’t really matter. But here’s the thing–
I used to think about boys all the time. Even when I was thinking about something else, I was secretly thinking about boys. As a girl, I was comfortable with the expression “boy crazy.”
When I read old journals, I begin to despise myself. Hundreds of pages describing boys so unremarkable that the memories of them vanish when I try to call them to mind. Boys so pitiful that I grit my teeth, remembering. Boys I met twice. Boys I wish I could repress without a trace. But most of all, boys who didn’t matter. Who didn’t matter to me even then. I tried to make them matter, because I was curious about love. I was fascinated by it. In fact, thinking about boys didn’t even have to involve an actual, live boy. Often it took the form of vague fantasizing about the possibility of love.
(it was hard to find a picture that even remotely related. source)
I was always doing something else. Studying, writing, finishing a project, playing a recital, teaching twelve-year-olds how to sing the prayers, trying frantically to get all A’s in college, applying to grad school, moving to New York City, whatever. My life was full. But I wanted more, so I tugged and squashed and wriggled boys into my schedule. Just in case.
In case what?
In case it was AMAZING.
And when it wasn’t, there was always another one to anticipate.
I meet these women now who didn’t date in high school, except for maybe once, when they went on three dates. They didn’t date in college, they were concentrating. They’re looking now. Because it’s the right time. Or they’re not even looking yet. If something came along, they’d be fine with that. If it doesn’t, that’s OK.
And I wish I’d been that smart. Smart enough to know that it really wasn’t the right time when I was fourteen. Come on, he wasn’t going to be “the one.” It wasn’t even the right time in college. I was too scared of everything. The guys weren’t even close to grown up. I was pulling romance out of the air. I was coaxing it out of stupid conversations about the meaning of life that people had in the middle of the night. I was yanking it out of the guys I tried to make into something I could keep.
I’ve been married now, for three months. I met Bear a year and a half ago. And right before I met Bear, I had had enough. I was dating boys for fun, not for the promise of forever. But I was still thinking about boys in the back of my mind, as I interviewed for organizations with missions like “teach poetry to underprivileged children,” as I finished writing my MA thesis, and began to feel like I owned the city. I wasn’t trying anymore to keep a boy who could never be the right boy. Of course, along came one who was dashing, exceedingly wealthy, and madly in love with me.
“It isn’t right,” I said.
“But why?!” my friends kept asking me. Several of them volunteered to take him off my hands.
I was positive. I didn’t want him the way I suspected I could want someone. There was something about his carefree, cavalier air that made me feel very formal, and stodgy by contrast. There were all these little bits of information that made me uncomfortable.
I had dragged out relationships with ridiculous, hopeless boys, but for some reason, I had no problem letting this one go. Something had changed. I was, maybe, growing up a little.
And then I met Bear, and something snapped shut in my mind. Love is an opening. But it closed an important door. Abruptly, for the first time in my life, I had no need to think about boys. It was simply gone. And the funny thing is, I didn’t even notice it happening. Sometimes I’d hang out with another boy for whatever reason and I’d look at him and think, “I’m not thinking anything. Except that Bear looks better than him.” It was strange. But it was normal.
Here I am, a year and a half later, married, realizing that I don’t think about boys.
And it is the best thing in the world! Because I am doing things that I care passionately about, and things that I don’t, but I have to muddle through, and things that hopefully lead to other, bigger things, and I am thinking about all of this without interruption. There is nothing to wait for, except whatever I create out of my life. There is nothing missing that I can’t work towards.
As my friend Emily, who is engaged, said, “You wear outfits without trying to make them sexy, because you don’t need people to think you’re sexy. And then those outfits turn out to be the best ones.” You’re braver, she said. You find things out about yourself that you couldn’t quite access before. You feel so much more comfortable.
I don’t know if marriage is the trick. Or even finding the “right” person. I think some people do this naturally. Like the women who chose not to date in college. But even if I had made that choice, there would have been something in the back of my mind, interrupting, speculating, clawing at me. Because of my relationship with love. Because of the way I love love.
People suggest to me all the time now that marriage is tough. It’s a struggle. They say it in conspiratorial whispers, with knowing looks. You have to work for it. But so far, for me, marriage has been this fantastically open space, where I can think in peace and work towards the things I want, and part of that is because one particular door has been closed. I have the love I tried to imagine as a girl. The love I fought to wring out of boys as a teenager. The love I didn’t understand in college, but pursued anyway. And my journal has gotten a LOT more interesting.
(so juicy now….source)
* * *
Un-roast: Today I love the way I’m learning how to stand less awkwardly in the elevator with other people.
I won something! Thanks to everyone who voted for this blog! And to Dr. Solomon, who created and runs the Nourishing Body Image Awards. Awesome stuff.
Kate on January 12th 2011 in Uncategorized
Lonelily responded on 12 Jan 2011 at 12:07 pm #
I didn’t date in high school, mostly because boys didn’t like me. In college, I dated briefly, then I met who I thought was “the one.”
But maybe he wasn’t, considering I was still thinking about how to look sexy and still gain the attention of other boys. Or maybe I just needed him to boost my self-esteem. And he did at first. But then he didn’t.
Turns out, he wasn’t “the one.”
Sounds like you have a very healthy relationship with Bear. This is rarer than you may think. You are a very lucky girl 🙂
Kate responded on 12 Jan 2011 at 12:14 pm #
Boys always felt the exactly the thing to boost my self-esteem. Even when it didn’t need a lot of boosting, they still helped.
I sometimes wonder if I’d gone to high school, whether boys would’ve liked me. It’s scary to think about.
Lonelily responded on 12 Jan 2011 at 12:32 pm #
Probably. I was really shy. And much less attractive, though I think (as you know) that confidence is directly related to how attractive you are, so maybe it’s that we have more confidence now.
You were home schooled?
Sara responded on 12 Jan 2011 at 12:41 pm #
I completely relate to this post!!! I felt the exact same way after I got married. You articulated it perfectly.
Kate responded on 12 Jan 2011 at 12:44 pm #
@Lonelily
Being shy and feeling unattractive is a tough combination. The people I admire most are the really confident women who aren’t stereotypically beautiful, but seem to make their own gorgeousness. I don’t really understand it, but I really, really want to.
Yup! Read my blog Un-schooled.net!
Tabs responded on 12 Jan 2011 at 12:46 pm #
“As my friend Emily, who is engaged, said, “You wear outfits without trying to make them sexy, because you don’t need people to think you’re sexy. And then those outfits turn out to be the best ones.” You’re braver, she said. You find things out about yourself that you couldn’t quite access before. You feel so much more comfortable.”
This is exactly why it’s all wonderful that you’ve stopped thinking about boys. (:
I never thought about what high school would’ve been like if I hadn’t been there. That is, whether, were I homeschooled, if it would have sucked as much. Some boys liked me, I think. But more girls have always liked me for whatever reason. Mostly, it can be characterized by one situation, in which, I was at my locker freshman year and I knew NO ONE. And some kids came up behind me going, HEY KRISTIN, HEY KRISTIN. And I turned around, confused. Then they looked at each other, and one said: “Oh, she’s not Kristin. Kristin is way hotter.” And I was really sad.
Though now, truth be told, I think I’m way prettier than she is on my good days. I’m no fan of convention and that’s what she is.
In any case, I’m now with my partner (his name is Andrew, so I’ll call him that!), and even though I know what you mean about not needing to try so hard or whatever, I envy you because I’m not quite there. I still struggle, even though I hardly think about “boys” anymore.
Kate responded on 12 Jan 2011 at 12:49 pm #
@Tabs
Honestly, I think Emily may be farther along than me, in terms of the whole outfit/appearance thing. I still find myself trying to look sexy, even though it’s not in order to attract guys.
Kate responded on 12 Jan 2011 at 12:50 pm #
And also, that story about the kids at the locker made me really angry. It’s beyond me how they can be so needlessly mean.
Lori responded on 12 Jan 2011 at 12:53 pm #
Given your un-roast today, this recent blog entry by a friend of mine may be interesting to you:
http://thejackieblog.com/2011/01/06/elevator-tetris/
Kate responded on 12 Jan 2011 at 12:57 pm #
@Lori
I loved this. Thanks for sharing!
Ellie Di responded on 12 Jan 2011 at 12:58 pm #
Even back when I was boy-crazy, my boy-dar would turn itself off whenever I was actually dating someone. I just didn’t care about other guys’ attention after I’d already snagged some for myself. After my now-husband and I got together, I feared that, because we knew it was going to be a marriage thing, my boy-dar would turn itself back on at some point after the “honeymoon phase” as self-defense. That something inside me would start craving that attention again. We’ve been together almost four years (married a year and half) and it hasn’t happened. I think my door got closed, too.
Joanne responded on 12 Jan 2011 at 1:16 pm #
I feel the exact same way now – I always felt like I had to please someone else when I dated someone else (and it’s been a non stop string for the past few years, simply because of circumstance, not really because of my own urge to constantly be dating), and now that I’m happily single, I feel like I can accomplish so much more for myself. My self esteem is actually higher when I’m single and not looking than when I’m in a relationship.
JC responded on 12 Jan 2011 at 2:56 pm #
Come to think of it, I don’t think about boys anymore either! I think if anything, I spent a lot of my youth thinking about boys because I wanted to find The One who would sweep me off my feet and carry me into the sunset. Chock it up to too many chickflicks and teen magazines touting the romanticness of Prince Charming Syndrome.
This may sound contradictory, but I attribute a lot of my “recovery” to meeting a good man who puts me in my place whenever I start putting on my Damsel In Distress hat. It’s one of the healthiest relationships I’ve been in. Ironically, I suppose he is in fact my Prince Charming, but the Prince Charming that treats me as a capable human being (and recognizes I’m far from a fragile flower) and who sometimes leaves the toilet seat up.
B1 responded on 12 Jan 2011 at 3:36 pm #
Interesting. I’m 45 yo, and have not been married, came close when I was younger, but called it quits. I believe I think more about boys now then I used to. However, growing up, I always had a lot of guy friends. I was the one who wasn’t afraid to talk to the cute guy, I just did it and didn’t think twice about it. Over the years, I’ve pack on some weight and I’m no longer comfortable in my own skin, so I think more about boys than actually talking or getting to know them now.
I found that many girls were too catty for me when I was younger and there was this silent competition with them about boys that I didn’t understand or want to understand or want to participate in. I felt that no guy was worth fighting over because ultimately, it was his choice as to whom he chose to be with.
I had one girlfriend in Jr. High and then moved to another state and had one girlfriend in High School. I have more female friends now and less male. When I was younger, I related more to boys who were pretty straightforward as this is also my personality. I remember after HS, I moved to another state and this one girlfriend (I actually had two at this point) asked me if I had slept with several guys and I told her ‘no’ but asked why she was asking me this. Apparently, after I moved, the gossip with all of the girls was that I had slept with this guy or that guy, when those guys were guys that I was just friends with.
Now, I guess I’m at that point in my life where I’m thinking about getting older and that it would be nice to have someone that I can talk to besides a cat. 🙂
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Kellie responded on 12 Jan 2011 at 4:26 pm #
I told my daughter when she was in Middle School… “boys are good for friends. DO NOT get mixed up in the ‘BOYFRIEND/GIRLFRIEND’ thing. It will mess with your head during a time that you have no idea who you are in the first place. Let High School just be fun, learn, and get to know people.
Then she got a BF, and was miserable… upset, grumpy, crying.. and not letting me know why or how come.
I finally got her to realize that it was the stress of the relationship, and the simple fact that your hormones are simply raging at this time of her life.. she needed to just get through High School.. let boys be your friend. There is time enough when you are finished and your hormones calm down… when you get to know the person you are becoming.. not to be changed by someone else’s wants or desires.
It was pretty bad at one point. The boy was two years older and wanted more from her.. his sister even got involved and one day I received a phone call from my daughter asking me what her medical card number was.. startled I asked why would you need that going out for tea? Long story short, they had taken my 15 year old to the Teen Drop in Center for birth control..needless to say I was not impressed with the Sister for assuming she had the right to take my daughter.
Needless to say the relationship ended a few months later. They were apart for the summer, and once again he came knocking she tried again the BF/GF thing and it failed miserably very miserable.
She was so mad at herself for being taken in by him.
I just wish girls and boys would finish growing up… No 15 is not old enough to make decisions.. you haven’t lived enough.. you don’t have all the answers I don’t care how smart you are.
Half the time you are crying because your emotions are violently swinging up then crashing you down.
When you are ready it happens.
(it’s funny me thinking this now, cause I swore that when my kids were in highschool I was going to insist they date.. I thought it was an important part of learning.. how to breakup, makeup, how to be friends with boys and girls how to date…what I totally forgot was the rage, the moods, the ups and downs… I’m glad I didn’t go through that part of the emotional roller coaster ride.. having to go through with my kids just reminds me that I may have chose an okay road.. albeit I made rash decisions in my later youth..but that could be related back to not having family support. My kids never have to worry about that ever. I’ll support them all the way.)
Kate responded on 12 Jan 2011 at 4:32 pm #
@Kellie
My mother also discouraged me from dating. It didn’t work. In retrospect, I wish I’d listened a little bit more to some of that advice!
Sona responded on 12 Jan 2011 at 4:57 pm #
Hormones are hormones, and I don’t think it is possibly to stop thinking about whatever you are attracted to whenever you are attracted to it. Obviously, you can make decisions beyond your impulses.
In my life, except for a few months here and there, I never had a serious relationship in college and I am so happy about that. At the time, I sometimes had pangs, wondering if I was missing out on something, but in retrospect, I realized I gained something. I felt that my time in college was truly mine, that I really did grow, and I’m not sure if I would have done that if I was concerned with a boyfriend at the same time. I graduated early and lived in D.C. for six months, and then lived in NYC for about nine months, and while I dated, I never really got attached to any man. Then I met the man that became my husband, and it was perfect timing. I was so intellectually curious, and I was proud of what I brought to the table. I don’t know if I could have done that if I wasn’t more independent in my 18-23 year old period.
Alii Silverwing responded on 12 Jan 2011 at 5:42 pm #
I was never boycrazy, so I’m having a hard time figuring out how to relate. I mean, I love men and their company, but I don’t think it’s quite the same thing.
I used excuses to not date when I was in middle and high school. I was able to use a friend from another school as my ‘boyfriend’ (he was a sweetheart, and though we never dated I was comfortable using him as my Canadian Flame) and my mother’s rule of ‘no dating until you’re 16’.
Of course, my mother established that rule by explicitly telling me that, “If you don’t want to date someone, tell them I have a rule and I will take the blame. I don’t want you pressured into dating before you want to.” I never really wanted to until I was 17ish and found a boy I liked to hold hands with.
I used both excuses at various times and places, and the funny thing was that even though I thought about crushes and kissing and the whole physical side of things, I the whole romantic thing seemed like way too much work (I’m very lazy). I was friends with enough boys that I formed a very /firm/ opinion that boys in relationships were puppies. I never wanted a puppy. They pee everywhere, chew things, follow you around, require constant companionship, and are just way too much responsibility when I’m busy with other stuff.
I honestly don’t know if I was better off or not, since I snagged my boyo right out of HS and never really experienced the Must Capture phase. I’m glad I didn’t have the anxiety that seems to accompany it, though. 😡 I keep trying to talk some of my friends out of the anxiety, but since I can’t relate I never know what to say to them.
leslie responded on 12 Jan 2011 at 6:11 pm #
kate, i’ve been reading for months now without commenting, and for some reason this post made me decide to come out of hiding.
i’m that independent girl. the one who didn’t date in high school and dated just a bit in college, and even now, at 25, is still very focused on my interests and career. i date, of course, but that’s what i do – date. dating is different than being half of a serious relationship.
it’s so interesting to hear your perspective – it’s something i can’t imagine feeling, because i’ve always done things for “me” rather than to please the opposite sex. i do want love in my life though, and i think my perspective actually limits me from really finding it.
it’s interesting how you’ve found that independence in marriage, and i do really wonder if it’s possible to find the happy medium between seeking male attention and being your own person while you’re still single and looking. it almost seems as though they’re mutually exclusive.
Just Josie responded on 12 Jan 2011 at 7:29 pm #
First of all, I seriously need to learn to do your un-roast! I’m not even on elevators much (well, hardly ever actually) but just like, what do you DO when you’re around a bunch of people whom you cannot stand and you’ve got nothing to do so you look stupid so then you tell yourself to think so you’ll stop looking stupid but then you start looking stupid when you think mostly because you’re concerned about whether or not you look stupid when you think and I’m certain that biting on my lip and rolling my eyes as much as I do when I genuinely think and/or try to emulate the way I might look whilst thinking makes me look pretty damn stupid…?!?!
Or something. (Wow, what a fantastic run-on! :D)
I have decided not to date in high school, personally. Perhaps I’ll avoid it like the plague even once I’m in college. Ultimately, I think I know myself well enough to know if it would be right or wrong for me, and to date in high school would be disastrous — at least dating someone from the same school. (You would understand if you spend a day here, lol.) It’s not that I have “high standards” or am “frigid” or whatever else women with self-respect get accused of being for refusing to have sex with whatever guy calls them hot, it’s just that I have a zero-tolerance policy on racists, heterosexists, sexists, and specieists, so WHO would I possibly date here? With that said, I’m very cynical to begin with and as a result, I have difficulty trusting. But like I said, I think (I hope? Am I being romantic and naive here?) that if it were right I would know and be able to trust that guy.
@Tabs: Ouch! That is too cruel. I refuse to believe people who act that unaware of their insensitivity — NOT COOL, times a million. I can totally empathize, though: My first name is Samantha, and there are a ton of people in my class with that name, as it was a hugely popular girl name when I was born. So I’ll be in a class with like, 5 or 6 other Sammies, and someone will whisper-shout the name, at which point I will turn around only to see a look of annoyance and hear, “Not *you*; the *cool* one. Do you mind getting her for us?” Aha, seriously people? I mean, just reeally? And sometimes “cool” is “pretty” but it still feels the same. I’ve gotten to the point where I’m just like, “Yep, I have no hope of ever being friends with any of you; you are all despicable examples of the human race [or perhaps shining examples, as it is my belief that the human race is inherently despicable?]; fuck off and have a nice day.” 😛 People suck sometimes. Okay, frequently. But not the people here!
P.S. Congrats on your blogger award, Kate! I didn’t vote (I didn’t know!), but you definitely deserve it. 🙂
Valerie responded on 12 Jan 2011 at 10:55 pm #
Kellie, I wish my mom would have told me that when I was a teen!
While I always knew who I was, even then, my longest teen relationship really did a number on my self-esteem. I was in love with that boy, but he was some trouble…some jail trouble and then some. I stuck it out for three years, but I looked at myself one day and thought, “Who the hell is this?” He never told me to change myself, but upon watching him check out other girls constantly and finding his stash of pictures of my friend (the opposite of me: friendly, happy…blonde)…I unknowingly and slowly changed myself and I couldn’t figure out why I was unhappy. That and I got tired of waiting around for him to get his crap together so I bailed.
And now, like Kate, with my new boyfriend (whom I found after MANY horrible relationships) I don’t look at other guys. I don’t even care. I don’t find myself thinking about what other relationships would be like because I am beyond satisfied, physically and mentally. I do, however, find myself wanting to dress sexy or cute … just because; just because I want to. I want to flaunt my happiness to the world even on the outside. And sometimes, just sometimes, I want to call up my ex’s and say, “Hey, guess what? You were an ass, but I’m happy now. Suck on that!”
Cyndie responded on 13 Jan 2011 at 8:18 am #
I completely agree. I actually explained this exact sentiment a few months after I started dating Alex. Suddenly, I stopped obsessing over boys. I stopped looking at boys. And then I woke up to the world around me all of a sudden. I changed my job, I changed my major, I started caring about my future career, I created a blog. I stopped creating an “image” or “label” for myself to attractive potential boyfriends. I just started being myself.
I somewhat disagree with the part about being sexy, though. I’ve definitely started dressing sexier, when I started to realize just how sexy I could be.
Barbara responded on 13 Jan 2011 at 2:52 pm #
I love the part that starts, “But so far, for me, marriage has been this fantastically open space…” Reading this makes me very happy, for so many reasons!
Emmi responded on 15 Mar 2011 at 2:39 pm #
I’ve been married for almost two years, and it has been fantastically wonderful and easy. Why? Because we made sure to hammer out the hardest issues well before we even considered engagement. It took us 5 years and two breakups before we got engaged, and it was well worth it. We got together at age 19, so we had a lot of growing up to do. But having done it together, despite the drama, made us closer. My husband replenishes me, improves me. It’s nothing I ever expected, being a rather independent and happily solitary person, but it’s wonderful 🙂