I can't wait to be a lot older
Young women are supposed to be afraid of getting old. Terrible things happen when you get old. The first one is sagging skin. That’s probably the worst. I think it might already be starting for me. But it’s only the beginning. You gain weight. Your hair turns gray. You can no longer wear skinny jeans without looking like you’re trying too hard. You can no longer wear a lot of things without looking like you’re trying too hard. Life is miserable.
(It might be more about having really, really long legs than being a certain age. source)
Except that most of the women I know over forty seem to be a lot happier. They seem to be a lot more comfortable with themselves. They laugh at me when I complain about feeling awkward about whether or not I’m gesturing too largely when I’m telling a story at a party. And when I agonize over my face in the bathroom mirror. They’re like, “Yup, I remember those days. Back when I didn’t know anything. And I thought the shape of my nose mattered in some real, meaningful way.”
I got an email from a reader today. She talked about getting older, and about how nice it makes her feel to read about my young, flailing, pitiful tiny struggles (she put it in a much kinder way), and to realize that she’s in a different place, and has wisdom to share. Which is pretty awesome. To have wisdom. I don’t think I have any yet. But I want some.
I’m all for “everyone has something important to say.” I’m a Jew. We let 13 year old kids stand up and lead the congregation and lecture us about Torah. We think they’re worth listening to. But I also think that there are certain things that you can only really learn by living longer. By getting more comfortable with yourself through living longer. By gaining perspective that takes years to gain. Perspective that sometimes translates into something that might sound like, “My legs are fine. They get me places.”
(Bat Mitzvah. It’s not easy. source)
Of course, not all women over the age of thirty-five or forty-seven or fifty-three reach an enlightened state. Some of them rush out and get a boob job. I’m OK with that. If it makes you feel beautiful and confident, then do it. But I really hope I’m one of the women who says, “I’m done worrying about how my breasts look.”
I like knowing that I have a lot to look forward to in life. Not only in terms of doing things like having kids, buying my first house (possibly. If I ever leave the city), maybe having a car, getting to know Bear better, learning how to make friends with other women, getting that giant book deal from Knopf that will lead to the even bigger movie deal with Warner Bros, but in terms of feeling really differently about myself as a person. Feeling increasingly more comfortable with myself. Feeling less competitive with young women. Feeling more and more secure.
Thinking about getting older is exciting. I don’t know for sure, but I feel like I’ll be pretty good at it. I’m gonna be bestowing my wisdom on young women all the time. I’ll probably drive them crazy. But maybe some of them will say, “Nice. I want to be like her one day.”
* * *
Un-roast: Today I love smelling my hands when I’ve been cooking with garlic.
I wrote a really similar post about aging here. I think it’s different enough to justify this post, though. Also, it was a pretty long time ago.
Thanks to the really cool reader who inspired this post. You know who you are!
P.S. I had this dream last night where my hair had grown out again, and I was looking in the mirror and saying to Bear (who is in ALL of my dreams somehow), “This is terrible! How did it grow back so fast!” And then I was running around looking for a scissors. And trying frantically to cut it off again. But the scissors were all dull. And I kept getting and more upset. So it was a nightmare about my hair growing back. Awesome.
P.P.S. I’m pretty bad at wearing skinny jeans even now.
New post at Un-schooled, about how Bear is obnoxiously smart, and sometimes it makes me feel like I didn’t receive a real education.
Kate on January 21st 2011 in Uncategorized
Christin@purplebirdblog responded on 21 Jan 2011 at 7:27 pm #
I was looking at old photos last night (some of which are on my blog for Flashback Friday!) of how cute I was when I was young, and how skinny my arms were when I thought they looked like bloated biscuit dough, and how I hated my hair or my ______________ (fill in the blank), and how I wish I couldn’t have just known I was cute. And I also like that now that my arms are fatter (along with the rest of me), and I have more pimples (yay adult onset acne), and my hair doesn’t always look great, and I never wear makeup… that I LOVE the way I look anyway. And if this just gets better with age, then sign me up. 🙂
Tamar responded on 21 Jan 2011 at 10:04 pm #
Did you somehow find a picture of an Asian Jew??
I’m definitely terrified to get older, but only because I feel like I’m not on the path to gaining wisdom yet, if that makes sense. If you’re not old and wise, then you’re just old. And that might suck.
Kate responded on 21 Jan 2011 at 11:31 pm #
@Tamar
Yes. I did.
And actually, I think Asian Jews are a growing demographic. Hooray for making it harder to stereotype people!
Yeah, I feel like that too sometimes. But then I think that really you can’t help but get better at being yourself in a lot of ways. And that makes me feel better.
Jennie responded on 22 Jan 2011 at 12:45 am #
I cut my hair about a year ago – from waist length to chin length, and I have really similar dreams about it growing back suddenly all the time! I’m always surprised, in my dreams, that it grows back so fast, but happy to be able to ponytail it. And when I wake up I have about the same reaction every time – I KNEW it was impossible that it got so long so fast!
Mandy responded on 22 Jan 2011 at 12:46 am #
You are in no way, shape or form, pitiful!!
Judging from your blog entries, you are observant, thoughtful, kind, and funny. You put yourself out there with every entry of your blog, which is pretty ballsy–if I may borrow that very masculine term.
You are already aware that there is no perfection to be had in the pursuit of beauty, and you realize that inner beauty is at least as important–if not more so–as outer beauty. You also realize that there are many different ways to be beautiful, and that each woman should be able to choose her path freely, rather than to be pressured by an artificial standard imposed from the outside.
And you think you don’t have any wisdom? Sweetie, you know more than you think you do.
Mandy responded on 22 Jan 2011 at 1:10 am #
Whoops! Forgot the un-roast: I love the way my husband always comes to the door to greet me with a big hug when I’ve been out.
Forest responded on 22 Jan 2011 at 2:10 am #
Firstly thanks for linking our skinny jeans article.
As for ageing I am 29 now so still 11 years off the big 4 0 but I think I am coming to terms with being comfortable with who I am but I understand it is much easier for men!
There is something great about any person that looks at ease with themselves and there is also an attraction, why do you think so many young people fall for people twice their age!
San D responded on 22 Jan 2011 at 9:45 am #
Then there is the last third of your life. You are comfortable with who you are, you might even have the money and time to go places, you are satisfied that you have made a difference, and continue to do so, and then you look around and realize in a frenetic way, that your time is limited. I like to say that you are moving to the front of the bus and it will be time to get off soon. It’s a bit weird. My husband likens it to a record album being played (remember the LP’s?). He says when you are younger, your “needle” is on the outside of the record and it takes forever for the year to pass, as you get older your “needle” has moved to the center and the years just spin faster and faster. Definitely fodder for a blog.
Ellie Di responded on 22 Jan 2011 at 10:30 am #
This is a bit embarrassing to admit, but: my whole life, I’ve wanted to be 50. Somehow, in my little brain, that age is when women are their best. They’re confident, they’re wise, they’re beautiful, and they’re able. And I worked to cultivate those things in myself so that I’d be EVEN BETTER by the time I actually reached that age. Sometimes I forget that I’m actually 50 inside and have a snit or a pity party about something that doesn’t actually matter. And occasionally, I’m able to channel that amazing older woman and say, “Oh. Right. That’s all okay.” and move on.
AW responded on 22 Jan 2011 at 11:14 am #
Turning 30 was awesome. I finally felt like a grown-up. I think the 30s are a rockin’ decade.
I’ve had friends who freaked out for the weeks (or months) leading up to their 30th birthdays, and I didn’t understand that. Youth doesn’t fade after 29.
Sarah responded on 22 Jan 2011 at 1:08 pm #
I am 48 and still don’t feel like a grown up. I am still surprised when I see my hair is white. I am still sad when I see my tummy. I am however, thrilled to have the wisdom and peace that I am growing. Wisdom that you don’t have at 20, 30, 40, or even 47. IT continues to grow and expand in an exponential way. I am happy to be old and wise, just not happy to be getting closer to the end. After all, I am still not grown up!
I found your blog two weeks ago and really enjoy it. Thanks for doing what you do, and being who you are.
Elizabeth Bartley responded on 22 Jan 2011 at 2:53 pm #
55 is pretty cool- except my face STILL breaks out. And now I can’t even be on the pill to prevent it.
I’ve been pretty happy at any and all ages. Living across the street from my parents has enabled me to see the disadvantages of getting really old (beyond 85) but also I see that my parents are still pretty happy, active people. So – still plenty to look forward to!! And I am making it a point to have younger friends so that when I get to 88, I won’t be sad that all my friends are dead. Planning ahead!
Love your outlook on life.
Deanna responded on 22 Jan 2011 at 3:54 pm #
I’m Old…LOL and the anticipation is far worse than actually getting there. I won’t say my age…I never do, but because I stay fit and take care of my skin most people put me in my late 30s which, by the way, is younger than my real age.
I used to dread turning 40. I just thought I’d get all fat and saggy and become invisible (which is really tough for me because believe it or not, I was invisible as a teen…never dated, had few friends etc so the pain is still there). I turned 40 and things were fine. I stayed active, I still wore short skirts and tight jeans and no one seemed to complain.
The other day I heard a 39 year old co-worker express her terror of turning 40. I didn’t say anything to her, but I understood her concerns. This woman has already done a lot…Botox, fillers, boobs…you name it while I have yet to do anything.
Anyway, my theory is that as long as you stay fit and stay busy…you can be older and still fashionable, fun and interesting. We don’t all have to become granny like!
Just Josie responded on 22 Jan 2011 at 4:07 pm #
I’ve always wanted to be older. But I’m not sure if it counts for me since I’m so young and then wanting to be older is still really young? I don’t know, I’ve always dreamt of being in my thirties — they seem like an ideal decade of life. I feel like I’ll “have ‘it’ together” then. At the same time, I’ve always been a little afraid of aging, just because I feel like I’ll “feel old” or lose my confidence/passion/smarts. Which is of course silly. Those things should only grow with time, not deplete. And I’ve heard from plenty of older women that you don’t really “feel” old. Or maybe I just got that message from “The Golden Girls”? Gosh, how I adore that show! :3
Un-roast: Today I love my back, and not because it looks exceptional, but because it serves as a personal reminder of how strong I am. There’s a scar that stretches from the top vertabrae (you know, the really lumpy one at the top of your neck?) to the very bottom of my back, and inside, I’ve got two titanium metal rods fused to my spinal cord, with innumerable nuts and bolts and other metal doodads. I love that because of it, I have the option to not do weights in gym, but that it gives me the strength to lift them anyway. And I love that I literally am physically incapable of performing sit-ups because of it. Sure, it’s inhibiting at times, but without all its metaliness, my organs would be pierced and I’d be dead. So I’ll take what I can get. 😛 /End un-roast
Just Josie responded on 22 Jan 2011 at 4:31 pm #
I also have promised myself that there are some things I shan’t (Shan’t? What in hell? I sincerely question whether or not I would want to be my own friend.) do as I age. I have this thing against carrying a purse, and against cutting my hair short. Although I’m pretty sure I don’t much care about the second anymore. I just know I don’t want to cut it just because that’s what society expects women to do — so maybe I’ll chop it all off when I’m young, like you’ve done! The other (main) thing is being secretive about my age and/or weight. I’m proud of my age now, like, “In THREE days and SIX months, I’m going to be SIXTEEN!”. I don’t want to become ashamed of that just because the number in the tens place is a 4. As for my weight, I may just say this because I’m thin, but I’m also not willing to be all shy about that, or outraged if someone guesses incorrectly — although, really, why is anyone taking the liberty of guessing my weight? As it is now, I’m quick to correct the people who guess wrong, because an underestimation as severe as theirs is downright INSULTING. I do not look as though I weight 85 lb! And there is a huge difference between 85 and 107! Hahaha. 😛
@Deanna: But is there anything necessarily wrong with becoming “granny-like”, as you say?
Btw, Kate, this post kind of reminds me of that Jenny Joseph poem, “Warning”. Have you ever read it? It begins, “When I am an old woman I shall wear purple/With a red which doesn’t go, and doesn’t suit me…” We just read it in English… Here (in case you or anyone else hasn’t heard of it and is interested): http://www.poemhunter.com/poem/warning/. I guess it’s really fairly popular, apparently, but I’d personally never heard of it until last week! 🙂
Michelle responded on 22 Jan 2011 at 4:48 pm #
I just recently came across your blog from a homeschool article I read and I must say I love it! I have told all my friends to come read it too. Keep up the good work. You are an inspiration to older women too. I am 45.
tereza crump AKA MyTreasuredCreations responded on 22 Jan 2011 at 5:55 pm #
Chirstin is right on as well as you.
I am turning 40 years old this year. Not worried about it at all. I read about so many women worried about turning 30, 40 or 50. I got others things in my mind. There is other stuff in life besides saggy skin and cellulite. 🙂
Thanks for this post.
Deanna responded on 22 Jan 2011 at 6:01 pm #
If you want to be ‘granny-like’ then there is nothing wrong with it. I don’t want to be that way…I prefer looking younger and sexy but hey, that’s me. Maybe because I had such a rough time as a teen that being old looking and invisible to men isn’t right for me. I think everyone has different thoughts about aging and about appearance. That’s what makes us all so interesting…we see things differently.
San D responded on 22 Jan 2011 at 7:53 pm #
What’s funny about appearing “granny like” is that we do whether we think we do or not. It is how we are perceived by a younger crowd. Case in point. I take the train into NYC quite frequently. I go as a senior citizen, paying 1/2 price. I am perceived as a senior citizen, am never “carded” and pay 1/2 price. But am I really? So I go with the flow. The hardest part of getting older is the first time someone calls you “m’am”. I looked around for my mother.
Just Josie responded on 22 Jan 2011 at 8:42 pm #
@Deanna: Thanks for replying. I’m not sure if it came off this way, but I was definitely not taking offense to what you said. My opinions on the matter may well change by the time I’m older, but I know what you mean about an invisible adolescence — I’m living mine right now! And I figure I’ve got at least another two and a half years of it through which to go. Maybe college too, even. It doesn’t bother me terribly, though, because the young men at my school are nothing over which to get excited. But yes, it’s good to hear new perspectives; I quite agree.
San D, I never knew that a sign of being perceived as older was being addressed as “ma’am”. Here, everyone refers to every girl or woman as “ma’am”; you honestly never hear “miss” or whatever else. It must be a cultural — well, regional, I should say — difference? Though I don’t know if you live in the city, I certainly don’t; it’s a very small, close-knit farming community and everything is kind of reminiscent of “ma’am” and “Little House on the Prairie”. Lol. The county even has the word “Prairie” in it. xD
San D responded on 22 Jan 2011 at 8:53 pm #
I definitely do think Ma’am is regional. I live on the east coast, near New York City, but have traveled much where Ma’am is not the pejorative, but endearing and respectful. However I can attest to my female friends feeling the same as I do about the use of Ma’am. We know that the person using it means well, but we feel the sting of its use.
Mandy responded on 22 Jan 2011 at 9:54 pm #
@JustJosie:
Actually, there is a sort of women’s club inspired by that poem. It’s called the Red Hat Society…
And I can definitely empathize with being invisible in high school. I was too, except when I got teased, rather mercilessly, on the bus. I think if I’d been a guy, I’d have been beaten up pretty regularly. Mostly, I tried to ignore it and sat up front near the driver–which had the cool side effect that I found out I liked the drivers! And the teasing started to taper off when I began to throw back the occasional zinger of my own. This was back in the early 80’s, when the most dangerous thing kids carried (at least in my neck of the woods–a suburban high school) would be a pocket knife, so I don’t know that I’d recommend that you try the same tactic. I hear too many stories about kids carrying guns, these days.
The good part is, that high school doesn’t last. I started coming into my own in college. I wasn’t interested in the party or the sports scene, I was interested in my classes. No one sneered at me for being unfashionable, or a bookworm, or just plain weird.
So, hang in there. Some of the top dogs in your high school will get to college, and realize that they’re not such hot stuff, after all. And some of the caterpillars will turn into butterflies.
Dana Udall-Weiner responded on 23 Jan 2011 at 8:16 am #
I have been thinking about this lots, since I feel I am getting older quickly (two kids will do that to ya) and life is changing fast. I wrote about the idea of getting less praise as we get older in a post called: On Letting Go of Praise and Growing Older: Trading Beauty for Bravery: http://bodyandbrood.com/2011/01/18/on-praise-and-growing-older/
angel responded on 23 Jan 2011 at 9:02 am #
it happens sometimes. truth is told, just so. thank you, perfect match.
Joanne responded on 23 Jan 2011 at 9:12 am #
I can’t wait to get older as well! Yes, wrinkles and sagging skin are unavoidable, but think of all the knowledge one acquires in 20-30 years as an adult. 🙂
Dawn responded on 24 Jan 2011 at 2:26 am #
1. Skinny jeans are hideous.
2. You probably won’t get fat if you never have a car.
3. I’m middle age (46). It’s really pretty cool.
4. I spent far too much time putting on make-up. Then my granddaughter was born (the year I turned 30–because 40 is the new 30)…and some awesome transition took place and I felt absolutely beautiful with no make-up. Must have been the way she looked at me.
5. I love the things you’re looking forward to: getting to know Bear better–awesome; buying a house–awesome; (I’d encourage you to buy a kick-A bike that can climb mountains and ride through small bodies of water before buying a car because that’s the kind of thing I started doing on my 45th birthday); (and I’d encourage you to go for that book deal writing Fantasy Novels followed by the movie deal instead of trying to make friends with women. The female friend thing doesn’t seem as realistic 😉
Andrea responded on 24 Jan 2011 at 2:16 pm #
@ Just Josie
I think your comments are awesome! As a mother of a 15-year-old (in 3-1/2 months, she’ll be 16!!!), I think you should start your own blog geared at the intellectuals in your age peer group. But don’t stop contributing to the other blogs!!! 🙂
Erin responded on 24 Jan 2011 at 6:27 pm #
I recently turned 25 and I love growing older. I do look at older women who are confident and are more at ease with themselves. I also don’t see the big deal with asking for a women’s age. My parents say that because I’m young I don’t mind growing older and just wait until I am because then I’d change my mind but I don’t think so 🙂
Anne responded on 01 Feb 2011 at 12:12 am #
I don’t think I’ve related to a blog post like I’ve related to this one. This is pretty much how I’ve always felt about aging. I’m 18, and it seems like pop culture and society glamorize this age more than anything. It’s such an awkward and embarrassing age. I can’t wait until I’m older and have a career I love and have lived and know myself better.
My mom is completely responsible for me seeing aging that way. She was an awkward, shy high schooler, but now she’s outgoing, and kind and is really happy. It sucks if the peak of your life is in your youth, everything else is downhill. I’d love to think that I’m working towards happiness at a later age.
Emmi responded on 15 Mar 2011 at 1:38 pm #
Ahh, I finally have a quiet afternoon to read back in your blog! Of course now that I say that I’ll probably have something crop up. But for now:
I am all eager to be old. I am eager to be old because I am unsure if I will ever BE old. I have Crohn’s disease, and with the current state of medical science I probably won’t live long enough to be called another kind of crone. For the moment, the disease is totally under control with an infusion (of an expensive drug called Remicade) every eight weeks that lets me live a totally normal life save for needing to be rather mysophobic (Remicade suppresses the immune system so it won’t eat my digestive tract, but also makes me catch bugs super easy).
Every day I have is precious to me, and every day I wake up knowing it. I was diagnosed just two years ago (after suffering for about two more years before that) and just in the last couple of months I have finally figured out how to really relax, not let things get to me and feel gratitude for my wonderful little life.
I’m not saying all this for pity or whatnot, just trying to share in the same vein as you share so we can get to know each other better.
I was raised by my grandmother for a good chunk of my childhood, and I am probably way more fond of the elderly than the average twentysomething. My grandmother was a simple woman, and I’ve finally realized the wisdom in simplicity. I try to emulate her good heart and kindness, and I am always better for it.
Okay, continuing backwards now 🙂
Anna responded on 20 Oct 2011 at 9:08 pm #
As a teenage girl reading your blog, I definitely think, “Nice. I want to be like her one day.”