Football and pedicures (A guy's perspective)
This is a guest post from Josh Stanton, one of the most accomplished, motivated young people I know (and the only person I know who can start a story with, “So I had to give this speech at the UN the other day…”). He adapted this article for me from his piece on Huffpo. I’m really happy right now, because I love conversations about masculinity, and I am kind of obnoxiously thrilled whenever guys want to talk about how complex their identities actually are, and the pressure they feel to narrow themselves. I read a lot of gender theory in college. Sometimes it all comes rushing back. And it’s awesome.
On an ideal Sunday, I get up and quietly make my wife breakfast, so that I can present it to her with great gusto before she’s emerged from bed.
After dining and doing the dishes, I throw on my gym clothes and go for a run and a lift, as I’ve been doing since high school. If it’s a truly fortunate afternoon, I then put on the grungiest clothes I can find and meet my guy friends at a bar to holler at the screen while watching football and guzzling beer. (No buffalo wings, of course; I’m a vegetarian.)
Then I progress into the evening with my wife, getting a pedicure at the small nail salon next door and enjoying a romantic dinner at our favorite Indian restaurant. After getting home, I read some of my favorite works of Jewish literature (whether rabbinic texts or more popular pieces). I often get hooked on whatever I’m reading, stay up late and end up tired for my early classes the next day.
To me that is the making of a wonderful day. Yet I have at various points been called “gay,” “metrosexual,” “manly man,” “jock,” “nerd” and (prematurely) “rabbi” for the way I spend my free time.
Even my wife lovingly jokes that I am a miraculous mixture of her “lover” and “gay best friend.” Why is it that a guy who gets a pedicure — even with his heterosexual partner — is assumed to be gay? Why is it that a guy who watches football and drinks beer with his friends is assumed to be straight? The need for labels itself suggests an insecurity on the part of those wielding them.
While I’m not searching for my sexual identity (I’m straight) or gender identity (I was born with a penis and am happy with it), I am still looking for new ways to express those identities. The really tough part is expressing those identities the way I want to when I spend so much time responding to other people’s assumptions.
I put on my macho face to tell one-dimensional “tough guys” to get out of my face if I want to stop watching football to get a pedicure, but feel just as limited when I pretend to be soft and “cute” at the nail salon. I just want to do my thing(s) but so often define what I do in juxtaposition to other’s expectations rather than ignoring their insecurities – and resultant jabs.
Sadly – or maybe lamely – I don’t have any easy answers. Archetypes for men press us to act (and look) like GI Joes or artists, businessmen or craftsmen, rather than some of each or (heaven forbid) all of them. But like so many others, I need to live in the gray space between the overgeneralized norms that never apply to anyone.
* * *
Josh’s Un-roast: Today, I made sure not to wear stripes and plaids together. Go me!
Post on Un-schooled about not knowing to worry a lot about getting into college.
Kate on February 25th 2011 in Uncategorized
Tweets that mention Eat the Damn Cake » Football and pedicures (A guy’s perspective) -- Topsy.com responded on 25 Feb 2011 at 11:10 am #
[…] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Joshua Stanton and Virginia Sole-Smith, Kate . Kate said: Cake eating – Football and pedicures (A guy’s perspective): This is a guest post from Josh Stanton, one of the m… http://bit.ly/hTcvUp […]
Brook @ To Be Dancing responded on 25 Feb 2011 at 11:45 am #
It is so sad that our society is so fond of labels and boxes. I’ve recently been inspired to try to help change that, at least in my little corner of the world. For all men, but mostly for my son who is still a little guy. And so I blog about it.
Jess responded on 25 Feb 2011 at 11:54 am #
“Why is it that a guy who watches football and drinks beer with his friends is assumed to be straight?”
Gay sports bars are sweeping the nation, because gay guys who like football are sick of hiding in their sports closet and feeling outcast at regular sports bars. They’ve also become havens for women sportsfans and straight men, because hyper-macho atmosphere doesn’t feel good to a lot of people. The one in NYC is called Boxers, and I hear the food is great.
I completely agree with your statements and think that niches like gay-friendly sports bars and whatever else comes next are great ideas.
mlvlnd responded on 25 Feb 2011 at 8:16 pm #
“Art: … ‘a worship'”;
(Campbell; Osbon; 1991; p. 265).
“Art: … ‘all creations of the mind'”;
(Balzac; May; 1953; p. 227).
“Art: … ‘objective nature that has been harmonized with subjective being'”;
(Cezanne; Cambell; Osbon; 1991; p. 250).
Dear Joshua, you are truly an artist and cannot be stereotyped. …Creating, …expressing, …being, …and becoming. This world is your canvas. Please follow your bliss, and may you find joy.
Vickie responded on 25 Feb 2011 at 9:53 pm #
Awesome. My husband sews and gives manicures. He’s also perfectly comfortable with our 2-year-old son wanting his fingernails painted (like his big sister) or playing with Barbies. I love that in a man!
tereza crump aka MyTreasuredCreations responded on 26 Feb 2011 at 2:07 am #
very cute and macho at the same time. 🙂 Yeah, for men that are confident in their masculinity and don’t have to proof a thing. 🙂 I got one at home too.
Jen responded on 26 Feb 2011 at 6:47 am #
Getting a pedicure–especially with a massage–can feel remarkable. I won’t get explicit, but I’d rather have that done than anything else (except a full body massage AND a pedicure).
For me, it’s a “happy ending” without clean up.
Mandy responded on 26 Feb 2011 at 8:09 pm #
Josh@
The kitchen is my husband’s domain: he washes all of the dishes that don’t go in the dishwasher, fills and empties the dishwaher.
He also does the cooking, because he’s better at it than I am, and because he enjoys it.
He is one of the very few men I’ve ever met who will go window shopping with me. He doesn’t like to watch sports, but he is a fourth degree black belt martial artist, and an Eagle Scout.
He also enjoys dressing up to go to Renaissance Festivals with me.
He tells me that he’s occasionally felt the pressure to conform to what others expect him to be, but has never felt the need to do so.
You’d think most people would have figured out by now that each of us is a mix of what is considered “masculine” and “feminine” traits, and that it makes us well-rounded, interesting–and much more adaptable, IMHO.