Don't do this ever. Really.
You know how people tell you that you should never send naked pictures of yourself to someone? Even if you’re dating them and they’re really, really nice? And you know how you say to yourself, “Well, yeah, it doesn’t make sense for OTHER people to do that, but I totally have this under control”?
Just don’t do it.
Unless you’re really fine with the pictures being released on the internet later. Which you might be. In which case, everything is fine. Maybe they’re very tasteful poses, with silk scarves draped just so, and warm, artistic lighting.
Maybe they’re not.
I dated a guy years ago, and he is now threatening me with pictures I only vaguely remember sending him.
I’m not sure what to do. But my first impulse is to write about it on the internet, which could be wrong, but feels sort of comfortingly preemptive.
I’m having all these rapid, conflicting feelings about modesty and defiance. Recently, I almost posted a photo of my outfit from the day I looked amazing, but then thought it might be too sexy, and ran it by two people first, and decided against it. At the same time, I’m offended by people’s scandalized reactions to incriminating internet pictures of otherwise “upstanding” people. That stuff happens. We need to acknowledge that people have bodies and do silly things and get drunk. And then we need to move on to the stuff that matters.
On the other hand, I’m not choosing to publish photos of myself being gorgeously naked. And I’m furious that someone else might take that liberty without my permission. I feel a little helpless. I’m waiting for my parents to tell me, “I told you so.” And they will look horrified when they do it.
* * *
Un-roast: Today I love my ability to make myself feel better about anything by writing about it.
Kate on May 6th 2011 in Uncategorized
Mary responded on 06 May 2011 at 12:22 pm #
Oh honey, I feel for you! This is a long-standing fear of mine. It’s unfair and wrong to abuse photos that your former girlfriend/boyfriend/whatever gave to you in the midst of what seemed to be a trusting and loving relationship. He doesn’t have the right to do that. But you know what, if he does, I think almost every woman our age with internet access would have your back.
caronae responded on 06 May 2011 at 12:24 pm #
I love your unroast today! I am totally with you on that. It always makes me feel better about something distressing to write about it, even if I am writing about something that’s sort for revealing, on the blog. It still feels good. You hit the nail on the head! 🙂
San D responded on 06 May 2011 at 12:27 pm #
“You should have sent him drawings of yourself”, said the artist in hindsight.
Kate responded on 06 May 2011 at 12:29 pm #
@San D
Yes, that would’ve been better. But also more sentimental.
lk responded on 06 May 2011 at 12:39 pm #
I have lots of those too… somewhere out there… with several different ex’s…
If they come out. Whatever. I’ll be po’d. But, I knew of the possibility of that happeneing when they were taken. My concern would be for my kids who weren’t even born when they were taken!
I don’t think it’s fair for him to hold it over you though. That part of this story is what bothers me the most… that he thinks he can threaten you.
Either way, Kate, I’m sure they are gorgeous. 🙂 You can hold your head high knowing that you’re a beuatiful person, even if they do get posted!
— lk
mylittlesoapbox responded on 06 May 2011 at 12:47 pm #
Power. That threat is about power. So if you choose not to care it takes away the power. It takes away the threat. He’s looking for 5 minutes of internet fame. Thinking to harm you with silly pictures from a moment in your younger than you are now years.
Take his power with the strength of your love for yourself and the love you have of those around you. You’ve already stole his thunder by telling your audience he’s threatened to post them.
One final question how old were you because if you were by chance under 18 wouldn’t he be posting child p0rn?!
Ashley responded on 06 May 2011 at 12:53 pm #
I never saw the appeal of doing this besides teenagers wanting to be sexy and scandalous. Either way it’s foolish and the best advice I can give (other than Don’t Do It!) is to disarm the guy and make him think that you are ok with them being exposed to the public, because then he loses his motive to humiliate you.
Cary responded on 06 May 2011 at 12:56 pm #
Sounds like the dude who is focused on you and hurting you and threatening you is not happy at all. He is pretty busy being occupied with you. He sounds like he might be sad. A little depressed. In need of a little therapy perhaps. I feel sorry for the person who is bent on hurt, but I’m thrilled you wrote about this and that you reminded me that we all have bodies and we are silly with them sometimes. I love my body. It works very well. It’s both silly and sexy 100% of the time. I also love the word silly. Blessings to you and that beautiful naked photographic body of yours. ~Cary
Mandy responded on 06 May 2011 at 12:58 pm #
Not that I think escalation is a good idea, but do you think you could enlist the aid (or threaten to) of a female member of his family? It would be a lot less embarrassing than having him follow up on his threat…
I would offer to talk to him for you, but I have absolutely zero tolerance for the sort of slimeball who would abuse someone’s trust in this fashion.
I hope he comes to his senses and realizes that even making such a threat is utterly contemptible.
And that he is a better man than this.
I will put in a request with the Powers That Be on your behalf, sweetie. Hang in there!
Tami responded on 06 May 2011 at 1:11 pm #
New subscriber here!
I recently attended an informal friends-kitchen wine tasting at which one of the attendees broke out her cell phone to pass around naked pictures of her last handful of lovers.
I don’t know the intent of those men when they sent her or allowed her to take those pictures, but if they didn’t intend her to share the photos with … well, complete strangers that she’d just met, then SHE didn’t get that particular memo.
(If they’re the sort that are fine with it, then nobody except the innocent curious with quick eyes were harmed)
If, however, they’d been intended as love tokens for her eyes only … well, then I think there’s a problem there.
100% agreed – if you don’t want it on the internet, don’t share it. It’s just way too easy in today’s world for privacy to become publicity.
Andee responded on 06 May 2011 at 1:16 pm #
What a jerk! He has nothing better to do? If you just ignore him and his threats he doesn’t have any power over you. I find it odd he is trying to re-insert himself into your life with a threat. I’m sorry Kate.
Rebecca responded on 06 May 2011 at 1:20 pm #
how sad!! who hasn’t been young and goofy and done something they look back on wishing they hadn’t done it??? who??? i had something published on the internet by an ex without my permission and it made me mad as blazes!
here’s the thing – take the higher road. ok, so you did something goofy you look back on wishing you hadn’t – i cannot think of a single person who hasn’t done that! ok, so he publishes the photo(s) – shame on him for being such a skuz!!! i don’t say shame on you because – repeat the mantra here – we have ALL done something goofy when we were young and goofy! see where i’m going?
you will survive this… he will ALWAYS be a skuz… forever… for doing this to someone that trusted him back in the day. hold your head high!!!
Samantha Angela @ Bikini Birthday responded on 06 May 2011 at 1:22 pm #
I agree with Ashley.
Kevin responded on 06 May 2011 at 1:50 pm #
It is terribly illegal for someone to do that. I would ignore it, taking the power away. If he actually does it, then ask for proof. Make sure he emails this stuff. Then call a lawyer.
Liz Nord responded on 06 May 2011 at 2:09 pm #
Doesn’t this guy know that you have lots of friends and that if he does choose to “share” the photos of you, there would be serious backlash? Not that I would ever say that to him, but if he happens to be reading this he should think about what skeletons he may have in his closet that may be exposed–how would that make him feel. I feel a bit naughty for responding this way, but c’mon–what a jerk!
Oh, yeah & I agree–no naked pictures (unless they are for artistic purposes). 🙂
tirzah responded on 06 May 2011 at 4:35 pm #
I guess he doesn’t realize that posting those would show HIS ass far more than it would show yours. Pardon the pun. And hugs if you want ’em maybe metaphorically from someone who thinks your blog is awesome, loves the un-roasts, and may or may not have quite a few pics floating around out there in unknown hands.
Claire Allison responded on 06 May 2011 at 6:57 pm #
Call his mother. Tell her what kind of son she raised.
Bec responded on 06 May 2011 at 10:54 pm #
@Claire Allison
That made me laugh 🙂 There have actually been times when I was tempted to do that.
I gave a boyfriend photos of me once… and even though I know he wouldn’t do anything with them (or would he?? I guess you never DO know…), and he probably doesn’t even know where they are anymore, I HATE that he has them. It’s just a weird feeling that he owns a part of me in a way. Like he could see my body anytime he wants, when he has no right to anymore. It is so much about power, and even if he never uses it, I hate that he has it.
And yet, I bet it wouldn’t stop me from doing the same thing when I’m in love again…
(And Kate: if he does publish them… as people have said, we’d all have your back. And he’d be sorry)
Nicole responded on 06 May 2011 at 11:56 pm #
It might be embarrassing, but it certainly won’t be the worst thing that has ever happened. I applaud you for talking about it, and encourage you to say “fcuk it.” he has no power over you.
Anna responded on 07 May 2011 at 12:19 am #
what a dick! at least you already have an established internet personality where you are CLEARLY a kind and thoughtful person. love the idea of it being illegal though – that almost makes me wish he WOULD do it so you could get ‘im.
Tim responded on 07 May 2011 at 6:03 am #
Consider your options.
If he is demanding something from you in return for not publishing them, then it may be blackmail, which is a misdem. or felony. You should print out everything you can and then go (in person) to the district attorney’s office or a police detective. They can tell you whether there are any charges to press.
Do not tell him you’re doing this. Do not engage in any tit-for-tat or threats of your own. Try to stall him until you get an answer from the DA.
If the DA won’t charge him, you can always tell him you are talking to the DA and see if that scares him. Talking to his female relatives also sounds like a good idea. As a last resort, you could tell him how many devoted people come to your site, and that you will tell your story on the Huffington Post and publish his name, address, and phone number on your site. That’s a last resort because it might just make him mad, but it’s one you should do if necc. Really publish his info if necc.
Last but not least, your readers CARE about you, and we won’t think less of you if the photos get out. We’re all naked under our clothes after all.
Kate responded on 07 May 2011 at 7:38 am #
First of all, thank you everyone for the support! THIS is why I wanted to write about it (and because it’s one of those rare moments in life where it feels like there really is a moral to the story)
Second of all, I think the idea of contacting a female relative of his (or any, really) is so smart. I actually don’t really know any of his relatives, but maybe I should look one of them up?
Kate responded on 07 May 2011 at 7:42 am #
also, I didn’t know that what he was doing was illegal at all. But I guess that makes sense. @Tim, he actually is demanding that I give him something or he’ll publish the photos. So good point, and thank you for letting me know.
I haven’t responded to him at all, but Bear wrote to him and told him he’ll contact the police if he ever attempts to contact me again or do anything with the pictures.
Taylor responded on 07 May 2011 at 10:17 pm #
That is always a sticky situation. I have done it, can’t lie, in my most vulnerable times I have sent nude pictures of myself to even just guy FRIENDS because I needed something… it was not while sober. And I’m afraid it will come back to haunt me someday. But then, we all make mistakes. Some bigger than others, and sometimes we have to deal with these sorts of horrible things. And it feels like the world is going to end. It won’t.
Good luck with everything.
JessB responded on 08 May 2011 at 8:16 pm #
Good Lord, what a scumbag! Good on you for putting this out there and reminding us that bag things don’t just happen to those anonymous “other” people, they happen to good people, who we love, and whose blog we read.
Sending you love and hoping you get this sorted out soon.
Roxanne responded on 12 May 2011 at 1:45 am #
That’s kind of pathetic of him. I like what the other people said about telling his mother. And then lawyer up, baby.
What a cad. I hope nobody else ever dates him ever. -___- I hope it so strongly I said “ever” twice.