I suck my stomach in when I'm alone
I caught myself doing it again. That thing. Without even thinking about it. It’s become automatic.
Sucking in my stomach when I’m alone.
My mom used to say that I always made this face when I was trying on clothes. It’s true. I sort of sucked my cheeks in and flared my nostrils a little. It was my model face. It made me feel better about how I looked in front of the mirror in the fitting room.
She always told me to stop it. “What’s wrong with your real face?”
A lot, I thought. That’s why I got a nose job.
It’s weird how much we believe that changing one thing, just a little, is going to do it. That will be the thing that transforms our lives. That will be the thing that makes us beautiful. You don’t say it like that, and certainly not aloud. You don’t say, “I want to be beautiful. This will make me beautiful.” That’s too honest. You might not even say that in your own mind.
Instead, you say, “God, I really need to lose ten pounds.”
I catch myself sucking my stomach in all the time. I think it will make the dress I’m wearing look better. I think it will make me feel better about my reflection. And even when I’m alone, I do it, out of habit, and because, if I happen to glance down, I think it will make my body look better to me, and that will make it worth it.
There is nothing wrong with my stomach. Clearly, it is not supposed to be flat.
When I catch myself sucking it in when I’m alone, it feels like a symbol of all the quiet, constant social pressure the world exerts on me to look a certain way. Especially, to be thin. Even when I come home and shut and lock the door and take off my cute outfit and wander around in my underwear, drinking diet Dr. Pepper straight from the bottle and impressing myself with how loudly I can occasionally burp, somewhere, in the back of my mind, I am thinking about how I look. And automatically, my belly tries its best to flatten, so as not to incur my wrath. Poor thing.
“Sheesh,” I say, looking down at myself. “Would you please relax?”
No. Because it doesn’t know how. I don’t even remember how to let go.
* * *
Un-roast: Today I love my thighs. They are always cute. I don’t know why I have such an easier time accepting them. But I do.
P.S. Here are some other photos of straight and curved edges. Look how artsy I am! 🙂
Sometimes they work well together:
Kate on June 8th 2011 in Uncategorized
Samantha Angela @ Bikini Birthday responded on 08 Jun 2011 at 12:35 pm #
I do the same thing if I catch myself relaxing and just letting my belly hang out. The same way that, when I catch myself slouching, I sit up straight.
Kerry responded on 08 Jun 2011 at 12:57 pm #
I’m so glad I’m not the only one.
Most of the time I try and convince myself that I’m just trying to improve my posture, but I know the truth.
Lynn responded on 08 Jun 2011 at 2:13 pm #
I’ve said it before, girl, do you live in my brain? You have a real gift for putting into words the things that everyone is thinking, thank you for sharing it with us 🙂
Ashley responded on 08 Jun 2011 at 3:11 pm #
OK, maybe I’m dense, but I don’t understand the photos that go with this post.
Ashley responded on 08 Jun 2011 at 3:13 pm #
I definitely relate to the feelings expressed though.
Kate responded on 08 Jun 2011 at 3:33 pm #
@Ashley
They’re straight surfaces and curved surfaces, since I was talking about flat stomachs and stomachs that stick out. Apparently my abstract art is not all I’d hoped 🙂
San D responded on 08 Jun 2011 at 4:25 pm #
Just a little hint on “abstract art”, it internalizes the subject matter, but it does indeed contain the subject. Your ‘straights and curves’ didn’t contain enough “stomach” to be considered abstract.
Rosa responded on 08 Jun 2011 at 10:09 pm #
Yes! I am so glad you say you take the time and effort to say these things aloud for all of us!
JessB responded on 08 Jun 2011 at 11:52 pm #
Oh, how interesting! I have actually been really honest with myself lately and said, not that I want to be beautiful (although I do), but that I want to be thin. I want to have muscles, and slim legs, and wear shorts, and a bikini! I have never worn a bikini. I have not owned bathers in about 10 years.
So I am going to do something about it, and lose some weight. I don’t really ‘do’ diets, because I really like to eat, and can’t add, so counting calories doesn’t work. So I’m just going to focus on eating more fruit & vegies and moving a lot more. I don’t mind if my tummy sticks out a little, but I want to feel thin.
We’ll see how I go. Another awesome post.
P.S. I love how loud I can burp on my own too!
zoe (and the beatles) responded on 09 Jun 2011 at 12:17 am #
man, i’ve been doing this since i was in middle school. i don’t think i know how to not do it unless i am sleeping. i do it all the time. it’s always on my mind. every minute of every conscious hour. it’s fucking exhausting work, too. and the funny thing? i did it even when my stomach was at it’s flattest. it’s basically engrained in me. being thin doesn’t change it. i know what will: self-fucking-acceptance. getting there.
Danielle Meitiv responded on 09 Jun 2011 at 11:11 am #
Me too! I was sucking in my stomach when I read this (but not anymore).
It’s even deeper than not incurring our own wrath. It’s the female conditioning to always objectify ourselves. Seeing and judge ourselves by what an outsider might see, rather than living our lives as the subject, and thinking of what WE need and feel.
So damned frustrating – and I hate that I do it all the time.
One solution? EAT THE DAMN CAKE – and let your belly bulge with pleasure 🙂
Unschooling skills in the adult world « Skipping School responded on 10 Jun 2011 at 10:06 am #
[…] a business or failing gracefully. For a post with even less obvious photos, check out my other blog here. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Boys Will Be Boys—Even When […]
mrose responded on 10 Jun 2011 at 7:34 pm #
does drinking diet soda come into play in this body consciousness scenario?
Miss D. responded on 11 Jun 2011 at 12:11 pm #
I recently noticed that i suck in my stomach especially while im eating. As if im trying to make it have less space so that i’ll eat less. Blah. :S
Mandy responded on 11 Jun 2011 at 6:58 pm #
Hmmm…
I tend to suck in my stomach lately because I’m trying to strengthen my abs, so that my back will be supported better. Also, so that I will remember to SIT UP STRAIGHT when I am at the computer. I lean on my desk, and prop my chin on my hand and my neck is starting to protest.
Kate responded on 14 Jun 2011 at 9:19 am #
@mrose
Not sure I understand the question– but if you mean “why are you drinking diet soda instead of regular?” the answer is “Bear.” we only have diet soda in the house because he can’t drink regular.
MWN responded on 20 Jun 2011 at 1:57 am #
hurray for burping out loud!
Scarlett responded on 25 Mar 2012 at 9:48 pm #
You’re not alone! It’s sub-concious for me 😛
But off-topic question: what’s with all the pictures?
Scarlett responded on 26 Mar 2012 at 10:21 am #
@Kate
Well I do like them 🙂