This is the way I'm supposed to look
People are confusing. Bear’s brother is into personality tests, and when we saw him over the weekend, we took some, too. Bear was grumbling a lot about how ridiculous the whole thing was, but his results really sounded like him. They had positive titles like “The Investigator.”
Mine were just wrong. No, really. Not like, I’d hoped it would say “The Coolest Person in the World” and instead it said, “Average.” My particular combination of categories was dubbed “The Servant.” It read, “You are incredibly concerned with other people’s wellbeing, to the point of not taking care of yourself. You have a hard time expressing your opinions, and aren’t very goal-oriented. You hover at the back of rooms, with your hands clasped behind you, waiting for orders and pretending to be invisible. You overhear things you shouldn’t, but only repeat them to other servants. But this is damaging enough, because even the gossip of servants can upset a household.” Or something like that. OK, a lot of that was from a BBC movie based on a Jane Austen book, but it was pretty bad.
I mean, give me a break.
I’m finally approaching a state in which I am not completely arrogant. Or something a little less extreme than that– but still– I’m totally goal oriented. I write every single day with the goal of eventually getting a book published. I live for a dream.
I….OK, I don’t always completely understand myself. I mean, I didn’t understand myself well enough to give consistent answers on that personality test.
I buy clothes that don’t look good on me. I buy clothes to cover up flaws I think I have one week, and then realize I don’t have the next week. And then I don’t wear those clothes, and I feel guilty and confused. How could I have thought that?
I dated a string of boys who I didn’t really want to be dating, because I thought I should or might want to date them. What was going on?
It’s hard to tell what works for me, even though I am me.
But when I cut off my hair, I suddenly knew that I had just made myself look more like myself. Everything about me looked a little more….right. My features looked like they might have secretly been hoping for this for a long time.
And then, as a result, I began to feel more like myself. Which I didn’t even know was possible. What does more like oneself even mean?
I don’t know. I think it basically means something like “feeling comfortable.” Or “confident.” Or “super badass, can do anything in the world because I am sexy and smart and cocky now.”
I am surprised when people are not surprised by me.
“Your hair is shorter,” said a friend who hadn’t seen it yet. She looked closer. “It looks good. I like your outfit.”
“You mean,” I thought, “Finally, Kate! You are at last your true, fantastic self!”
Or Bear, who calls me “Peach” now, because my head is fuzzy, and occasionally says randomly, “Your hair looks good.”
I look at myself, and I am transformed. I am excited about looking like me.
Isn’t it weird how something so simple can do that?
So maybe it isn’t really the hair after all. Maybe it’s me being willing to transform. Or maybe it’s the hair. It probably doesn’t even matter. I love looking like myself.
(source)
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Unroast: Today I love my orange painted toenails.
Kate on July 6th 2011 in Uncategorized
Bird responded on 06 Jul 2011 at 10:02 am #
I think maybe I’ve commented here once – but maybe I commented here never! So I just wanted to say that I love your blog, and I always get really excited when it pops up in my reader.
” I love looking like myself.” I’m still trying to get there, but making baby steps, and feeling better every day. Thanks for the reminder that I’m not the only one.
San D responded on 06 Jul 2011 at 10:14 am #
Who you are, or maybe, who you think you are today, will change day to day with each experience and your reaction to the experience. Back in the day when you were confidently romping through your homeschooling experiences with your friends, you were one person, now married, you are another. Oh, of course the “core” is still there, but that will be shaken many times over in a lifetime, honed and hardened. Cutting your hair is defining you now, but being a mother might define you later on. Writing daily blogs might give you short term goals, but acruing equity in a home might define a lifetime of goals. What is absolutely cool is that you have a record of your feelings over the years, and you will be able to go back and conjure those up, when they no longer seem important as they do now.
Bobbi responded on 06 Jul 2011 at 10:50 am #
Personality tests are amusing to me. For the most part those of us who easily slip into varied rolls – one minute extrovert the next minute an introvert…our results are often incorrect or at least not the whole story.
Laurie S. responded on 06 Jul 2011 at 11:22 am #
Lopping off your hair is incredibly liberating. It’s strange how such a simple act can completely transform the way you feel about yourself.
I sliced all my hair into a short-short pixie cut about 2 1/2 years ago and felt like a complete badass. I don’t think I’ve ever felt more sexy in my life.
Now, my hair is well past my shoulders and I find myself swooning over photos of hairstyles like yours.
Ashley responded on 06 Jul 2011 at 11:27 am #
This post reminds me of that line from I Heart Huckabees, “How am I not myself?” :):)
Kate responded on 06 Jul 2011 at 11:39 am #
@Ashley
Good movie!
Emmi responded on 06 Jul 2011 at 11:56 am #
So recently I realized a weird thing: I am allergic to Sodium Lauryl Sulfate, the active cleansing ingredient in most shampoos. How did I figure this out? I just happened to buy a new shampoo that was sulfate-free. I liked the smell, so I bought it. And all of a sudden, the crappy hair I had always hated for my whole life looked AMAZING.
My hair has never looked so damn good in my entire life, and it seems to have done to me what getting rid of your hair did for you. And you said it, I am excited about looking like me. It is a weird thing! But inexplicably awesome. So I totally get you on this one 😉
Five years ago the Meyers-Briggs tests said I was ENFP, and today I test INTJ. It makes me chuckle.
My finger & toenails are also painted orange! Yay!
Erinleigh responded on 06 Jul 2011 at 1:15 pm #
Kudos to the orange toe nails! I too joined that club this past weekend….orange just seemed like the color of the moment 🙂
Sable@SquatLikeALady responded on 06 Jul 2011 at 1:28 pm #
Personality tests seem so…impossible…to me. I think all of us experience minute shifts in our preferences, our feelings, our outlooks, from moment-to-moment. So maybe yes, a personality test result will be accurate for *just one fleeting moment* in time. They can’t possibly capture the whole picture, the whole confusing swirl and give and take and up and down that is a human being.
I love what you wrote here. Excited about looking like YOU…now that is a goal worth chasing.
Rosa responded on 06 Jul 2011 at 7:29 pm #
“I am surprised when people are not surprised by me.”
Yes! Not a day goes by that I don’t experience this same feeling. I’m learning to relish it, as it must mean that the real me is not nearly as strange or freakish as I often see myself. Growing into myself has been a long, hard, ongoing process, but even when it reduces me to tears, recalling the moments where others weren’t surprised makes it totally worth it.