the time I wasn't fat enough
A cool and successful fat acceptance writer approached me, along with some other body-image bloggers, and asked us to submit essays for a book she’s getting published. It sounded like an awesome project. I wanted to participate. But I felt a little weird about it. Like I might be stepping on some toes.
So I wrote to her, and I tried to figure out how to say “I might not be fat enough,” in the politest way possible. It was difficult. But I think I did it.
She must have missed the email, because yesterday, I got another call for submissions from her. “Hey fatties!” it began.
“Um,” I wrote (because I sound awkward even over email), “I’d love to do a piece about accepting weight gain, and feeling good about getting bigger. But I don’t want to offend anyone either. I don’t think I…qualify.”
She wrote back. “It’s about whether or not you identify as fat. If you do, that’s fine. If you don’t, I’ll take you off the list.”
“Wait…” I said, stupidly. “I don’t think I know what you mean by ‘identify as fat’.”
She didn’t respond.
This was all very interesting.
Could I identify as fat? I asked myself. Sometimes I feel very heavy. Sometimes, like last night on the subway coming home from midtown, I stared at this pocket of fat on my forearm, where it smushed against the back of the seat, and I thought, “I am fat.” But at the same time, I am not fat. I know that. There are parts of me with a lot more fat on them than other parts of me. And those are the parts I feel the worst about (except for the boobs, of course. Those could always use some more…and the butt. I like the butt).
But there was another reason why I couldn’t be in the cool fat love blogger’s anthology of awesome fat lady bloggers: I am scared of my fat. I am a wimp. I run away from it (except for the boobs, of course. And the butt. And the thighs, actually, most of the time). OK, actually, I’m not terrible about it. But I’m scared of getting fatter. That’s what I’m scared of. In the meantime, I am learning to accept the fat I already have lipid molecule by lipid molecule. (That’s probably not how it works…) But the going is slow.
Sometimes, on this blog, people tell me I’m not fat enough. Not fat enough to talk about weight gain or eating a lot or appreciating my big butt or anything like that.
I used to get weird and awkward about it. I’d be like, “I’m sorry. You’re right.”
But I’m sorry, that’s wrong. The cool fat anthologist is right– it’s about how you identify. If you feel it, you can talk about it. No one owns a feeling, an insecurity, or a process of self-acceptance. And there’s something reliably empowering about learning that other people, no matter what they look like or do or how fabulous they are, are feeling similarly to you. It gets me every time. It gets everyone every time.
At the same time, I’m glad that worlds exist, on the internet, where I am not allowed to enter. I’m glad there will be an anthology about being fat and beautiful and full of life. And it’s not right for me to be in it. It’s OK for people who are alike in one way or another to support each other, without input from all of the rest of the people. And it’s true, some people are really heavy, and some people just feel heavy.
But, of course, there are a lot of people in between. And a lot of people who are worried about their weight because they’ve learned that weight is what they’re supposed to worry about. And a lot of people whose BMIs tell them they’re morbidly obese, but who would rather focus on something else, or would like to talk with women of all different sizes about body image. And a lot of people who have had eating disorders that made them identify as fat when they were leaning dangerously in the other direction. And people who are embarrassed because they shouldn’t feel fat, but they do. And people who absolutely don’t, but are concerned about the fact that so many of us do. And people who just want to eat the damn cake without feeling bad.
Nora Ephron writes stuff for us. I saw her play, Love, Loss, and What I Wore last week. It was great.
And not to compare myself to Nora Ephron, but I write for us, too.
OK, I compared myself to her.
But I’m way more impressed with her than I am with myself. I promise.
Anyway, here’s the thing we can all rally around: liking who we are. That’s what I care about the most, at the end of the day. Sometimes it has to do with weight. It probably has to do with weight too much. In fact, it has to do with appearance too much. But it also has to do with everything else. And learning to appreciate yourself is really, really important, no matter where you are and what you look like and how much you weight and what you’re eating and how big your nose is and all of the rest of it.
That sounded a little trite. But I mean it. And it only sounds trite because Hallmark capitalized on this stuff a long time ago. Which is totally not my fault.
* * *
Unroast: Today I love the way I look in pajama bottoms with stars on them.
P.S. While I’m talking about big and awesome bloggers, you might want to check out the fabulous Ragen Chastain’s hate page. She did that thing that Dooce did, and put her hate mail together (and even responded to it publicly). She is hilarious and I read all of it on the train coming back to the city after Rosh Hashanah, and she made me laugh outloud. And the haters made me angry. They always do.
P.P.S I’m the slightest bit hurt that no one commented on my drawings from yesterday’s post. I drew those for you guys! What am I, chopped liver? 🙂
(Has everyone heard that expression? Usually it sounds more like “what am I? Chopped livah?!”)
Kate on October 4th 2011 in Uncategorized
Dee responded on 04 Oct 2011 at 1:15 pm #
I like you and it has nothing or everything to do with your nose or your weight or lack there of. It’s because you are funny and write well and you were homeschooled. I like that.
thanks
dee
Raven responded on 04 Oct 2011 at 1:17 pm #
It’s all about perspective and perception. When I see pictures of you, I think you look like you’re at a “normal” or “healthy” weight. I don’t see a BMI number, especially since I find them woefully inaccurate as a measurement of both fat in one’s body and in terms of actual, lived health levels.
Now, just because I, a fat woman, don’t see you as fat, doesn’t mean you don’t feel it. As you just stated, if you feel it and you identify as feeling fat, then you have a lived experience of worrying about your weight and being considered fat in the narrow (pun intended) confines of media-presented beauty.
Whether you are fat or not, I think you have the experience of feeling it, and you also have the experience of writing about beauty in many contexts including that of a woman worrying about weight. A woman doesn’t have to be over 200 lbs. to know body discrimination, and a woman who’s under a size 12 (or 8, or 4?) doesn’t necessarily feel at home and comfortable in her smaller body than those over that demarcation.
When writing about fat and beauty and weight and body acceptance, I think we need diverse voices. Women and men. Fat, Fatter, Slim, and Average. I don’t think there are many young women today, at least in the Western media world, who feel comfortable with size–especially their size.
If you have something you feel you could contribute to the anthology, do it. If you want to talk about this exact subject, the question of whether or not you have the “right” to talk about being/feeling fat, and how you run away from that subject time and again? I think that’s something worth reading.
It’s great to see so many large women owning their fat, coming to terms with it, learning to feel beautiful day by day as they fight against the social messages they’ve been receiving and will continue to receive about their bodies. But far too often, we don’t talk about the process or the early buds of that work toward feeling more at home in one’s flesh. I think you can tackle this, and I certainly believe you have the right to write about it.
My two cents and a cuppa. <3
Deanna responded on 04 Oct 2011 at 1:18 pm #
People think I am crazy because I strongly identify with women who suffer from low self esteem due to their looks. I think of myself as homely even though I am not. I remember a male client of mine giving me grief because I was discussing an on-line forum situation for less attractive women and he asked me why the heck I belonged to these things. I guess I just feel like I am not beautiful and I relate to women who have issues.
Usually I can relate to all of your blogs. I’m less likely than many of the other women to shrug off the importance of good looks. I don’t think you will ever hear me say that looks don’t matter.
I do think good looking women have advantages. I think they make more money, marry men with more money and tend to be more successful. I resent that this is the case, but I won’t deny it either.
I noticed at a meeting I went to last night, a woman sitting next to me was not at all attractive. She was actually very unattractive and seemed to have a chip on her shoulder. I could tell she didn’t like me much. I tried to engage her in a conversation, but she looked at me as the enemy. Now when the tables are turned and I meet a very beautiful woman (and trust me I always feel somewhat threatened by beautiful women..envious etc)I try to act like I could care less that every man in the joint is staring at them and not looking at me.
As usual, I am ranting but trust me I know what you mean. I don’t think I could ever be the type of woman who could say: I’m gorgeous by traditional standards and guys just adore me. Nahhh..that ain’t coming out of my mouth.
Mandy responded on 04 Oct 2011 at 1:26 pm #
Kate;
Body, mind, heart and spirit can’t be separated–they’re all interconnected. So, it’s okay to focus on the physical/appearance–the physical affects the rest of us, whether we like it or not.
And sometimes I think that self-confidence is that we care more about what WE think of ourselves than what others think.
So, you nailed it, sweetie–liking ourselves is a pretty darn good shield against the slings and arrows of outrageous body image issues.
Unroast: Today, I think I’m pretty darn fabulous, from my short silvering hair, to the tips of my unpolished toenails!
midnightsky responded on 04 Oct 2011 at 1:37 pm #
I can, in a tiny way, understand where the other people are coming from that were talking to you. Sometimes when I read body acceptance blogs/sites/etc., I think, “Wow, I never see pictures of people like me here.” They’re either egregiously fat, or they’re the body I wish I had. (Even you — you look thin in pictures!) So it’s a little difficult to think that they understand where I’m coming from, as a “well I have like 15 pounds I feel like I should lose, but I’m not fat enough to be part of Fat Acceptance, just not thin enough to be in the “don’t tell me to eat a sandwich” camp…yeah.
Either way, I can see that these people might want their poster children to be someone that, upon sight, their readers can identify with. It’s harder to understand someone when you see them as “well, they got there; what do *they* have to complain about?”. Not that everyone does this, but it happens.
Melrose responded on 04 Oct 2011 at 2:28 pm #
this needs a facebook “share” button.
Kate responded on 04 Oct 2011 at 2:33 pm #
@Melrose
Gah! I know! ETDC is so old-school.
bethany actually responded on 04 Oct 2011 at 2:34 pm #
@Melrose, yes! I was thinking the same thing!
I love this, Kate. Especially: “Anyway, here’s the thing we can all rally around: liking who we are.”
Kate responded on 04 Oct 2011 at 2:36 pm #
@midnightsky
I hear you, and I appreciate this comment. I feel like this, too. I’ve seen blogs where I can’t identify with the blogger at all, because she looks perfect to me. Or because she is a famous author. Or something. And sometimes those details matter a lot. And then other times, they don’t, and I can appreciate the struggle of a famous author or the hilarious stories being told by a stunningly lovely woman. It depends on the day.
And really, it’s OK to not want to identify with everyone all the time. It’s OK to have our own groups, too.
Anon responded on 04 Oct 2011 at 2:48 pm #
I just want to put in my 2 cents of how much I know how you feel. Normally, I identify as thin in varying degrees, but recently I gained a little weight. Not much, just about 3 or so pounds, but it was the 3 pounds that made me unable to fit in my jeans anymore. Even going up a size or two (or even 3) I’m still considered thin. But at the same time, every so often I’ll have days that I *feel* fat even though I don’t *think* I am. And I feel ridiculous for having that feeling. Especially since I tend to get size discrimination on the other side of the fence: How can you have body image problems, you’re so thin! and so on. What I don’t understand is why people don’t get that everybody is allowed to not always feel at home in their body, and instead of saying that so and so isn’t fat/ugly/whatever enough to not feel confidant, try and understand what causes it and help!
Laurie S. responded on 04 Oct 2011 at 4:03 pm #
I was going to comment on your lovely drawings, but I read your post so late at night that I thought comments would be passe by internet standards. So, I’ll comment here. They’re lovely! And so is this post.
Kate responded on 04 Oct 2011 at 4:22 pm #
@Laurie
Yay!! I feel better now 🙂
jss responded on 04 Oct 2011 at 5:03 pm #
I really like this post. I know you don’t “identify” this way, but you’ve looked thin to me in every picture you’ve ever put up and I think that is one of the reasons I feel comfortable posting on this blog. I am a thin person (objectively) with pretty severe body image issues, and, while I think the fat acceptance movement is very important, I feel like I have the right to be an “ally” but not a participant in much the same way as I was called an “ally” by an LGBTQQ(A – that’s me!) group in college.
Official movements aside, when I am with other women my age, I ALSO feel that I am restricted to the “ally” role when they begin complaining about their bodies. I may dislike my body/weight as much as they dislike theirs, but, if I say so, they will either look at me like I have lobsters crawling out of my ears or, even worse, say something slightly angry/offended like, “If you think YOU’RE fat, I cannot even imagine what you think of me.” It’s the latter comments that have made me just shut up in situations like this. Now, I remember when you posted that link to “My Body Gallery,” I was fascinated by the fact that I thought that several women who were my height but 50 lbs heavier were beautiful. My issues with my body are really issues with MY body (i.e., issues with MYself) and not issues with women of my size or with even women who are much heavier than I am. But the chance that I might make other women hate their bodies more by commenting negatively on my own is unbearable to me and, like I said, I’ve learned to just shut up.
But, of course, this does not make my own issues go away, and that is why I appreciate this site. I have seen commentors on this site identify themselves as thin, overweight, and in between. They all have body image issues and this is permitted. Thank goodness.
As far as opting out of participation of in the anthology, I agree with your choice. There are people who are genuinely overweight/obese and while I (and you) might identify as fat, we know we are not. Our participation in projects like the one you described, even if we support them, is inappropriate because we have not experienced much of what these women have experienced. I have obese friends who have been recommended fad diets by their medical doctors, have been unable to shop outside of specialty stores since they were 13, have been told they would be pretty if only they lost weight, and have even been asked at their gyms to provide a doctor’s note saying that, in spite of their size, they are healthy enough to exercise there. I have not experienced any of these things and I think it would be very insensitive for me to pretend that I understand exactly how that would feel.
P.S. Hooray for ALL of us liking who we are!
P.P.S. I liked your drawings and thought they illustrated your point very well. You’re not chopped livah. 🙂
Kate responded on 04 Oct 2011 at 5:20 pm #
@jss
Yes, exactly— my issues with my body are MY issues, with MY body. I like that you mention that.
I think there needs to be space for us to talk about how we actually feel without having to worry about offending other women (i.e. “What? You can’t talk! You’re not even overweight!”), but that doesn’t mean we should all try to be sensitive to and respectful of real differences between us. It’s always a balance. Like everything!
Coastalharp responded on 04 Oct 2011 at 5:27 pm #
You are soooo not chopped livah! I loved the drawings….just too tired to comment last night.
I have been uncomfortably (for me) heavy and sickeningly thin. Finally, after 50 years of trying to be what others wanted me to be, I’m learning to love me….just like I am….right here and now….just as I am. But learning the love is such a painfully, difficult thing.
Why can’t loving ourselves come naturally? Why is self love drummed out of our heads at such an early age?
Your blog is wonderful. Thank you!
Kate responded on 04 Oct 2011 at 5:29 pm #
@Coastalharp
I like your name. It makes me think of Ireland. And thank you! And now I feel a little like I bullied people into complimenting my drawings 🙂
Laurin responded on 04 Oct 2011 at 9:43 pm #
As always, Kate, this is a beautifully written, articulate post.
I’m sorry that you felt not fat enough. I agree with your decision in a way, but I also think the anthology peoplez are missing out on something by not including your work – as Raven said, I think it would be worth reading 🙂
I also wanted to say your pictures were beautiful (I was blown away, actually- you’re so clever!), but you haven’t bullied people into liking them 😉 so don’t stress! I just didn’t comment cos I assumed everyone would do it for me :S serves me right for assuming, huh?
I understand the feeling of not feeling you can say something about how fat you’re feeling cos another woman might say – ‘you can’t talk…’
I’ve been on both sides of that, and try to accept now that people feel how they feel, and it’s, as you say, *their* issues they’re discussing, it’s not about them passing judgement on my body or behaviour (or.. not most of the time anyway).
I think there’s room for allies, and there’s room for belonging, but I just think it’s great that there’s this beautiful counter culture emerging on the interwebs, from you, to Ragen, to fat acceptance, to self acceptance, and all I can say is *thank you* so much for all your sharing and your amazing work. You make me think and grow and try and love and respect myself 🙂
and it’s cool to feel a bit of a connection to this funky woman living in New York (as I’m in Australia) 🙂
Ok, that’s me for today, sorry if that made no sense!
Laurin
Lexie responded on 05 Oct 2011 at 1:15 am #
It’s strange, but the whole ‘body image blogging’ you were interested in was about controversial thoughts about society and body image. But even THERE, they say you have to look a certain way to qualify?! And by saying ‘you’re not fat enough’ is AGAIN reaffirming that thin is good and that you have nothing to worry about, OBVIOUSLY (And how screwed up is that?!?) It should be entirely about self esteem, not the scale. You could be tweedy or curvy and have the same amount of self esteem; does nobody see that!?
Agh this world makes me mad.
You’re drawings were amazing, by the way. Woops!
Kate responded on 05 Oct 2011 at 1:20 am #
@Lexie
Interesting perspective. But don’t we have to still acknowledge some differences, even within small worlds of bloggers?
Laura responded on 05 Oct 2011 at 11:48 am #
You should have made a contribution to the fat essays. This is what you should have sent. So many women feel this way and yet don’t admit it or choose not to think about it all. We push so much to the backburner and never let it see the light of day. We think this is the best way to handle it. But, feelings don’t go away just because you aren’t thinking about them. I like your post. I’m linking to you from Scoop.it where I curate the topic: BBW Life and Dating. http://www.scoop.it/t/bbw-life-and-dating/
Jennifer responded on 26 Mar 2012 at 7:36 pm #
I know I’m late to the game but I just ran across this post and I found it so interesting. As a fat person (a real fat person), I can understand your feelings. But, I think there are two types of problems that someone who is fat has – mental/emotional and physical.
A person who is fat will suffer both. A person who thinks they are fat will only suffer the mental/emotional. And, that, I think is where fat people come in and say, “you can’t understand” to people who just *think* they are fat. Heck, it wasn’t even until I started losing weight that I realized all the daily challenges I dealt with because of my weight.
Have you ever had to deal with your pants not hanging right on a hanger because they are too big? Anything over a size 22 isn’t going to fit on a normal adult size hanger.
Have you ever had to pack for a long trip and had to pay extra at the airport because your bag weighs more than 50 pounds? It isn’t that you packed more than everyone else, just that your stuff is so much bigger and takes up more room.
Have you ever not been able to sit at a booth because you don’t fit?
Have you ever needed to buy a dress last minute for a party and not been able to find anything? I’m not talking about anything that looks good and/or you like. I’m talking about you just simply couldn’t find something big enough to get on your body.
Do you suffer from not being able to shop in many clothing stores because nothing will fit you?
Don’t fly because you can’t fit in even a first class seat? Or shelled out $100 dollars on seat belt extenders because you don’t want to be embarrassed asking the flight attendant for one?
Not been able to go horse back riding (or any other activity) with friends and family because you exceed the weight limit?
Been afraid to sit down in your friend’s camp chair or use a step latter because you think you might break it?
This are just a few of the many real physical issues that fat people deal with every day (and none of them are even health related). Someone might emotionally deal with being fat but they don’t have to deal with the physical effects as well. And that, I think, is were the difference is.
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