Sluttiness
I just read a book by Diana Joseph called I’m Sorry You Feel That Way. It made me feel better about myself. There was a chapter about being slutty, and that was my favorite one. I read it aloud to Bear. Then I tried not to cry. It would’ve been really embarrassing if I cried. The thing is, I feel guilty about boys. I wish I hadn’t been the way I was. I feel like I shouldn’t talk about the way I was. It’s a dark, slimy secret.
I have always liked boys. Once, I had a pretty serious crush on another girl, but mostly it’s been boys. Even though the first time I kissed a boy, and excitedly shared the secret with my mom, she panicked and told me he was going to try to get me to take my clothes off, probably, I still thought there was nothing wrong with kissing. Or with taking my clothes off, even though at that point I was twelve, and I couldn’t see why I would want to take any clothes off, and I was pretty sure the boy I’d kissed didn’t want me to.
He didn’t. He was scared of me. I was the one who’d made us kiss. I had cleverly tricked him into it.
In fact, I cleverly tricked several boys into similar situations. Kissing was thrilling. I had all the power.
And then, when I was just a little older, other things seemed more thrilling, too, and I snuck out at night to see a boy, and my mom caught me. (I have never been good at sneaking.) I got yelled at for about two years. Maybe more. It was like an annual thing– the Anniversary of Kate’s Terrible Indiscretion. My dad would sit me down and have a big talk with me about not lying to the family. Which meant not sneaking out to see boys. And he would say stuff that implied he was onto me– he knew I was having sex already. And he wasn’t happy about it.
I wasn’t. But I didn’t see what the big deal was.
The problem was that my parents raised me to feel good about my body. To feel confident about my instincts.
They raised me wrong, clearly. Even they knew that.
Because I went out and fooled around with and dated the worst boys in the world. And I’m still embarrassed.
I know these girls and women now who have never fooled around with even one of the worst guys in the world. They have self-respect. They know what their goals are. They are too busy studying and working and being reasonable and waiting for a truly decent guy.
But that’s not fair– I had self-respect. It just took a different form. My self-respect was roomy. It allowed for all sorts of things. It especially allowed for boys who already liked me. Those were my favorite kind. That was the qualification. Some gross, squirmy, pimply, horribly awkward guy in sweatpants liked me. Some bizarre, hopeless, emotionally unstable guy on a lot of meds liked me. Some guy who looked like he’d grow up to be a serial killer. Like he might already be one. So, you know, why not? I didn’t feel bad about it. My parents felt bad about it. My brothers felt bad about it.
“Seriously?” they said. “Him? Seriously?”
“Yeah!” I said, defensively. He was easy.
This is not behavior to be proud of. It’s the kind of history that you should hide, in shame. But my old journals are full of it, and reading them, I feel sick. What was wrong with me? Didn’t I get it? Why did I like him so much? Where was my shame? Where were my polite little crushes on normal, healthy guys?
I’ve never done those crushes well. I’m all in. I love to love.
But I just read “I’m sorry you feel that way” and I think I’m done beating myself up. First of all, what does a normal, healthy fifteen-year-old boy even look like? He probably has pimples all over his face. Second of all, I knew what I wanted when I was with these guys. I wanted to have fun. I wanted to be liked. It felt good. Third of all, it’s OK. It’s really OK.
I was a girl who really liked her sexuality. I liked the way I looked, I liked my body (I was proud of my little breasts!), I liked my ability to make people want me. To make people write me love letters. I liked reading the love letters and making fun of the bad grammar. I liked falling in love with the wrong people. It felt dramatic. It felt like the stuff of songs, so I wrote songs about it. I wrote songs that went “What’ll it be next? What’ll it be this time? What’ll it be the time I say goodbye? What’ll it be….last?” I wrote songs that went “How can I say goodbye to you? We were the strings you hung your dreams from…” I liked being at the center of the drama I’d made. Which is not to say that I sat there, in the eye of the storm, coolly observing. That was not how it went. I loved, and cried, and felt betrayed and felt wild with jealousy and felt so tender. I almost never didn’t feel.
Diana Joseph, towards the end of her chapter, calls the girls who like too many boys hopeful and optimistic. They are the girls who keep trying.
I wrote to her and asked her if I could interview her for this blog, and she said yes. It made me so happy!
In the meantime, I think I might start to forgive myself. For liking too many of the worst boys in the world. For liking them too much. For not having a presentable history. For becoming so presentable and trying desperately to reject that part of my history that don’t fit in with my picture of myself now. With my picture of the kind of woman who will have the future I want.
Maybe I don’t have anything to be ashamed of.
* * *
Unroast: Today I like the way my lower arms look. Not upper arms. I’m not even close to there yet. But it’s a start.
P.S. I’m going to share some more amazing cake pics soon, but I didn’t want to put them on the sluttiness post, in case that was awkward for the people in them.
P.P.S. Diana Joseph! I’m going to interview her! I’m so happy.
Kate on November 7th 2011 in Uncategorized
Another Kate responded on 07 Nov 2011 at 1:19 pm #
I think you should definitely forgive yourself, because besides the fact that there’s nothing you can do to change the past, there is also this: no matter how embarrassed you may be about what you’ve done and decisions you’ve made, those decisions have helped shape who you are today. And ultimately, you seem to have chosen a pretty spectacular man. And I think you’re cool.
Kimmy Sue Ruby Lou responded on 07 Nov 2011 at 1:42 pm #
i’m almost speechless, but it reminded me of a woman i was working with who had just married her 5th husband and the first thing i said to her was “you just don’t give up do you?” i meant that in a positive way…she took it in a surprised way, like she wasn’t expecting to hear that, it made her smile and say…”you’re right.”
Alix responded on 07 Nov 2011 at 2:23 pm #
I’ve been reading your blog for a couple months now and I really love how honest and real you are. This post though made me cry. I’ve always felt the need to apologize even to my friends for my wants/needs. For not having a presentable history. I want to forgive myself for not being brave enough to own up to those wants/needs. Well bye and take care. Thanks
Kate responded on 07 Nov 2011 at 2:28 pm #
@Alix
I’ve also felt like apologizing. Or ignoring. Or pretending it never happened.
megan responded on 07 Nov 2011 at 2:32 pm #
“I loved, and cried, and felt betrayed and felt wild with jealousy and felt so tender. I almost never didn’t feel.
Diana Joseph, towards the end of her chapter, calls the girls who like too many boys hopeful and optimistic. They are the girls who keep trying.”
yup, that sums it up. I’m totally on your page with this. 🙂
Herb S. responded on 07 Nov 2011 at 3:09 pm #
sluttiness. What a great topic. One for the masses, I say.
I mean really. How many of us, men and women, have never been guilty of sexual indiscretions of one kind or another. Based on the people I have talked to over the years, I would submit that few people in the modern era have not been at least a little ‘wild’ at times. Maybe done something they either knew they should not have, or wished they had not.
I also think most of us have secrets.
OK, this will be about me, not a commentary which relates directly to Kate’s story. It’s different but works under the heading of ‘sluttiness’.
When I look back on my own history, there are definitely a few encounters and relationships that were questionable at best. Nothing illegal or really insane or gross, and not cheating on anyone. Just things that probably should not have happened. For a long time, one of them bothered me, and it’s still a secret.
Over the past few years, as my life has improved pretty dramatically, and I’m more comfortable in my own skin, these thoughts about my past have bothered me less and less, to the point where it’s hardly at all. I almost think it’s funny, sometimes.
I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s alright, and I’m not a bad person, because no one got hurt, and guess what. It was fun, and it felt really, really good! Why beat myself up about it now? I have enough crap in my head just trying to make it in the world.
About the encounter that bothered me the most but no longer does, I have a strong desire to discuss it with the other participant, so we could hopefully have a good laugh over it. How dumb it was but how good it was, and how we got away with it. I have a feeling she would feel the same way, it was a long time ago, but I’m not sure how she feels, so I won’t go there.
Oh, and dating the wrong people. Yeah, in the depths of bouts of poor self esteem, I did my share of that. No worries, didn’t really care what happened or how it turned out. I was more ashamed of it when I was doing it, than I am now. That phase is not even on my radar anymore, because things are so different now.
I’m in a wonderful relationship, and I don’t have the same temptations that I had when I was younger. Not only am I not free to pursue them if I wanted to, but I’ve gotten most of the wild and risky shit out of my system.
Kate- I know that what on paper, doesn’t seem so bad at all, does not equate with how you really feel inside. But still, I agree with you, you should start to forgive yourself. It will get easier, too. Trust me.
P.S. I love some of the responses that have already come in. I have talked about some of this with people that are close to me, but never written about it publicly. Feels good. Kate, your blog makes so many people feel good about themselves.
C. responded on 07 Nov 2011 at 3:20 pm #
I’m really not trying to be a troll, because I usually like your blog a lot — your writing is conversational and funny and often deeply reflective. But this post seems unnecessarily cruel to your ex-boyfriends, those “bizarre, hopeless, emotionally unstable guys on a lot of meds.” You know, the ones who wrote you love letters and made you feel good about yourself.
How would one of them feel reading this (something that’s easily possible, since you’re putting it on the Internet)? How would *you* feel if you read a post on an old lover’s blog that said he was embarrassed to admit he’d ever been someone with you, and he only did it because you were “easy”?
Maybe the problem is that this post is so vague, it’s tough to see why you’re calling these guys the “worst in the world.” Because right now it sounds like you’re damning them for struggling with depression and wearing sweatpants… two things that I certainly believe that even the “best of us” do from time to time.
C. responded on 07 Nov 2011 at 3:22 pm #
I’m really not trying to be a troll, because I usually like your blog a lot — your writing is conversational and funny and often deeply reflective. But this post seems unnecessarily cruel to your ex-boyfriends, those “bizarre, hopeless, emotionally unstable guys on a lot of meds.” You know, the ones who wrote you love letters and made you feel good about yourself.
How would one of them feel reading this (something that’s easily possible, since you’re putting it on the Internet)? How would *you* feel if you read a post on an old lover’s blog that said he was embarrassed to admit he’d ever been with someone like you, and he only did it because you were “easy”?
Maybe the problem is that this post is so vague, it’s tough to see why you’re calling these guys the “worst in the world.” Because right now it sounds like you’re damning them for struggling with depression and wearing sweatpants… two things that I certainly believe that even the “best of us” do from time to time.
Kate responded on 07 Nov 2011 at 3:29 pm #
@C
I don’t want to describe them in any more detail than that. Maybe I even made up some of those details. I’ve dated enough people that I’m not calling anyone out directly (and the stuff I’m referring to here is from a long time ago, so I’d be surprised if anyone from then reads this). The point is not what they were actually like. The point is that I came to think of them (and sometimes thought of them at the time) as the worst in the world. No one is the worst in the world.
I, perhaps obviously, have worn sweatpants and had pimples and been pretty tragic. But that is not the point.
And I don’t want to apologize to you here, for describing them that way. I understand why you were offended, but one of the reasons I like blogging is because I get to share my opinions without a lot of disclaimers. I don’t want to be PC all the time. And it’s really, really hard to talk about life without ever stepping on toes or introducing the potential of hurting someone’s feelings.
Novice Wife responded on 07 Nov 2011 at 3:39 pm #
For some reason (puritanism? asceticism?), I think we often are hard on ourselves for feeling or being too *much*. Or, at least, I know that I can be.
At any rate, you reminded me of this quote I read recently (here: http://joannagoddard.blogspot.com/2009/03/quote-for-life.html)
“I must learn to love the fool in me–the one who feels too much, talks too much, takes too many chances, wins sometimes and loses often, lacks self-control, loves and hates, hurts and gets hurt, promises and breaks promises, laughs and cries. It alone protects me against that utterly self-controlled, masterful tyrant whom I also harbor and who would rob me of human aliveness, humility, and dignity but for my fool.” — Theodore I. Rubin, MD
Hope you like it too and thanks for a great post!
Kate responded on 07 Nov 2011 at 3:42 pm #
@Novice Wife
Thanks for this! I like the quote. I recognize that blogger– maybe I’ve come across her blog before.
Kate responded on 07 Nov 2011 at 3:43 pm #
@Herb
I love how you start out. Thanks for calling it a great topic– here I am nervous to even write about it!
I feel that way about my life, too. It’s improved dramatically in the last couple years. So much so that sometimes I don’t recognize myself in my own past. And that’s confusing. But maybe, as you suggest, utterly normal.
Great comment.
Jess responded on 07 Nov 2011 at 4:26 pm #
I’ve got a very presentable past on paper, and even I’ve ended up with the worst boys. Like, unbalanced, on lots of meds, probably going to harm me. But he liked me. So I did it. This guy, I know he struggled with a lot internally (depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder) and maybe that’s part of what I found attractive, this romanticized torment. I wanted to help soothe it, be a calm port. But what it ended up boiling down to was that he was taller than me, twice my weight/strength, and severely unbalanced, including sexual hangups and games of power where he always had to be the one holding all the cards. But he liked me, so I kept coming back after every questionable encounter (this one statement can apply to more than one arrangement I’ve found myself in). Without going into too much detail, there were definitely times I was in real danger. Is every person struggling with mental illness like this? Absolutely not. But it can happen. And it can make an older, wiser you question your youthful lack of judgement.
Jess K responded on 07 Nov 2011 at 4:41 pm #
Some days, your blog posts sound like something straight out of my journal. Today, not so much. I was the opposite. Well, sort of. My parents (and grandparents) are the model(s) of a “good” relationship. Still together, still love each other, etc. While that’s nice and all, they flat out refused to talk about sex, dating, relationships, or any of that stuff as I was growing up. So, I ignored that part of life until I was well into college. I’m 25 and I still don’t get it. The tomboy side of me is, well, all I really know. I can dress up and sometimes wear makeup, but I have no idea how to flirt and dating scares me to death. I WISH I had the courage to be a little sluttier! It takes a confidence that I just don’t have. Bravo to the girls who accept that they’ve had slutty phases in their life and have learned something from it.
Kate responded on 07 Nov 2011 at 5:00 pm #
@Jess K
Ha! Interesting.
Honestly, to this day, I am not sure how I flirted, or if I did. I think I probably did, but it’s a blur.
kay responded on 07 Nov 2011 at 5:14 pm #
You have nothing to be ashamed of. What you did in the past were nothing but mistakes that you learned from, just like any other mistakes you made when you were younger. I’m trying to end a “slutty” phase that I went through this past year, and I’m struggling with separating my relationship decisions in the past from the relationships I want to form out in my new home.
Spelling responded on 07 Nov 2011 at 6:14 pm #
Wow… very raw. But then again, it really says something about you that you can come forward and be this painfully honest. Thank you for saying the things that are hard to say, even if it makes you/me/your readers uncomfortable; when people are comfortable they have no reason to change (whether that be their opinions, actions, etc.).
katilda responded on 07 Nov 2011 at 8:09 pm #
this resonates with me: “I almost never didn’t feel.” thank you for the words.
Deanna responded on 07 Nov 2011 at 8:17 pm #
Darling Kat, How lucky you were. I wish I had been sluttier. I had my share of one night stands and a few short term boyfriends. But for the most part, I was a terrible goody two shoes. I wanted to see pics of me when I was 25 thinking I would have been hot, but I dressed like a granny, no wonder I didn’t date much. If I could do it over, I’d be a whole lot sexier. I think I listened too much to my mom who never thought much about sex.
I went out the other night with a hot blonde a good 20 years younger than me. All the guys were staring at her. That really bothered me. I think what bothered me more was the fact when I was young, I was not comfortable with my sexuality so when that finally happened, I was too old. Embrace how you were. You’ll have far fewer regrets.
bethany actually responded on 07 Nov 2011 at 8:50 pm #
I love love love Another Kate’s point that all those choices you made in the past, for better or for worse, made you YOU. So why waste time and energy regretting them? Just learn from them and make choices that you think are better in the future.
Kristine responded on 07 Nov 2011 at 9:46 pm #
i think everyone makes mistakes when they are younger, you shouldn’t beat yourself up about it. at least you learned from it. some people never do.
i do have to bring something up though, while you and your blog are all about accepting the way you look and finding the beauty in your flaws, you do seem to have a disdain for people with acne. like that automatically makes someone unattractive.
as someone without all the flaws you usually try to get people to accept, but who did have mild to moderate acne for a long time, this is very discouraging. i am on accutane now and my face is clear, but that wasn’t the case for a very long time. i could almost totally cover it with make up, but it still bothered me a whole lot. i know you used to have acne but you talk about it like “thank god, i’m done with that and attractive now” calling someone “pimply” and implying that’s one of the reasons dating them was embarrassing seems to be the antithesis of what your blog is about. people with acne need to learn to find the beauty in themselves too 🙁
Gaby responded on 07 Nov 2011 at 10:01 pm #
Some of this seems so, so familiar 🙂 I still beat myself up about my past, “What was I thinking?!” etc. The fooling around, lying to parents, bad/wrong guys, being so excited that someone liked me. All before I was 16. Started dating my now husband at almost 16 and he’s the one I’ve ever slept with (and we waited 8 months for that too) so I feel like it could be a worse history at least. But I still hate myself occasionally for how I acted.
Simply out – you’ve convinced me to buy that book. Thank you for providing hope 🙂
San D responded on 08 Nov 2011 at 1:30 am #
The “problem” with memory is that it is not necessarily a reliable narrator. I would bet when you were “dating” your variety of boys/men, they found you just as ______________(you fill in the blank) as you did them, at the time. It’s just part of the journey. And as for the word “slut” in the context of your piece, I would venture to say that you weren’t that adventuresome, or risque, because as far as I can ascertain you grew up relatively unscathed sexually, physically and mentally from the experiences. Not every woman is so lucky.
wide eyed imp responded on 08 Nov 2011 at 9:00 am #
Thank you for writing this. No more than that, other than thank you for having the courage to write words that I’ve struggled to admit, even to myself.
Kep responded on 08 Nov 2011 at 1:11 pm #
Loved this. I was trolling through facebook just yesterday, roaming through pages of people I went to highschool with but am no longer really “friendly” with. As I looked I realized that 9 times of of 10 I was saying to myself “Oh I had a crush on him,” “Oh I dated him,” “Oh I remember this one time.” Eesh. Most of them were not the type of men I would ever date now (there’s nothing wrong with them) but I loved dating them then.
My best friends at the time always had a way of making me feel embarrassed about my choices. “You like him?! Seriously?” or “You’re too boy crazy, you’ll never find the right person.” Ouch.
But, throughout all the (probably) bad choices and wrong ways – I do realize now that I had a lot of fun. And I did find the right person along the way too. So maybe it’s not such a bad thing after all…
tian responded on 08 Nov 2011 at 1:43 pm #
I’m not sure why you feel the need to apologize for being “slutty.” To me it just sounds like you were more open minded as a teenager than you are today.
aria responded on 08 Nov 2011 at 5:22 pm #
Why is being free and young and unattached is called slutty? I don’t apologize for what I did, and regret more what I didn’t do in life. At 20 I had a brief lover who was a 36 years old sailor. Full of stories and shells and eastern philosophy. A wife in every port? Perhaps. I still liked him. At 16 I had a crush on my cousin. He had a crush on me too. I liked sneaking into his bed at night . He was 20 ( so much older) and a musician in training. We talked, we cuddled. We never kissed. I could list the workaholic startup partner ( i was in college, he was the same age ) I had sex with after nights of working together. We fell out, I dumped his and his business. I like these stories. I have more. I’m older know, monogamous and engaged but I grew through loving and learning and feeling good and feeling sad.
Cathy responded on 09 Nov 2011 at 12:45 am #
I just recently stumbled upon your gem of a blog. I think you’re great. I love how you write as though you are conversing naturally with your readers face to face, it flows so easily. I also appreciate what you write about and your honesty. Thank you for putting your thoughts, feelings and experiences out there for us to read, ponder and relate to 🙂
Nikita Blue responded on 09 Nov 2011 at 12:15 pm #
First… you are an *amazing* writer… second, I felt bad about my past when I was still a teen, trying to focus only on the guys I actually *slept with* when I talked about it, instead of allll the guys I messed around with, played with, obliged, manipulated… the truth is, both of us (me and the boys) were getting what we wanted: fun, excitement, adventure, a thrill, and that’s all that mattered. And it was good, because we were innocent and it felt great! Your description depicted my teen years quite well and I have also since learned to delight in the vague promiscuity of my past. I’m glad you have recovered from the instilled guilt your parents attempted to saturate you with, because that shit is a killer!
Well written!!
vanessa responded on 09 Nov 2011 at 9:38 pm #
hi…. i have been reading your blog for quite a while now, but i never comment. right now i feel awful, depressed, afraid of life and like i have never been good enough for the world, conventional enough. and im only 19 years old…. the thing is, as im in law school, all my friends are focused on our career, i am too, but just because im going to be a lawyer i have to stop feeling! they have told me several times “you follow your heart too much! you feel too much! if you want to be a good lawyer you have to be a cold person.” but the thing is i can’t, feeling is MY thing, i am perhaps too emotional and i dont see anything wrong in it.
and kate this line “I almost never didn’t feel.” was great and i totally relate myself to this right now. i know theres nothing wrong with being ME but i dont know how to make everyone around me , my mom, my friends, the rest of my family, believe that this doesnt mean im crazy its just who i am!
Sara responded on 10 Nov 2011 at 11:00 am #
I’m 25 and because of my religion have never been in a relationship. I met a guy recently that I think I could fall for (although I could be mistaken). I’m just so inexperienced though and embarrassed about it. He’s older, working and is a real adult. I still feel like im a kid in comparison. I love how honest you are about your experiences. I would like to think that people who care about us would not see us as the experiences or lack of experience that we’ve had but the people we’ve become. Here’s hoping 🙂
Kylie responded on 10 Dec 2011 at 11:51 am #
So I’ve been reading your blog for about two hours (due to a variety of typical college student related reasons) and have finally caved and commented on a post (I resisted because I knew once I started I wouldn’t stop…even though I’m sure you want to know my thoughts on all of your thoughts.) I’m currently a freshman in college and have had my fair share of relationships and boyfriends and hook-ups and everything else. I’ve dating plenty of guys that are different but almost always douche bags in some way or another. Because of this I get a lot of shit. When I was having boyfriends and other people weren’t, or when I was showing more skin than my “friends” approved of, I was called a slut. All the time. And I wasn’t even doing anything. And now (in all my 18 year old wisdom) look back and sometimes regret what happened or what I did or my bad choices or whatever it was. Like each relationship was something that devalued me, and the more relationships I had or the more people I slept with made me less “special” or “valuable” especially because I’m in that limbo where I’m not a “true slut” or anything but close enough to be judged like one without any of the perks like being awesome in bed or having awesome going out clothes…but I digress. This just made me happy to read, that I don’t have to be ashamed of my past. And one of the ways I think about it is that I learned something from all of them…and if all else fails I have some great stories to swap with new girl friends.
And I just love your blog. You remind me of myself, except more awesome and self assured and etc, and reading it just makes me all happy and warm inside.
Thanks for existing!
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