Eat the Damn Cake

Something just happened to me that is like a story with a moral at the end. And it’s a story makes me look bad. You’re going to shake your head and think, “I would have handled that a lot better.”

One of my good friends stopped talking to me a couple months ago.

Everyone’s busy, and we don’t live extremely close to each other, so at first I didn’t even notice. We don’t have to talk every day.  And then I texted her about a movie that’d come out that we were supposed to see together. We had this dorky little pact. It went back years. We had this running joke, and this movie was a part of it. She didn’t text back.

Lame, I thought. OK, so she doesn’t care about the movie. Even though we had that running joke and that silly pact.  I’ll see it with someone else. I don’t necessarily need to see it with her.  Whatevs.

Because I totally say “whatevs” a lot.

A couple weeks went by, and I sent her an email. It was like “Hey– I’m worried that you’re upset at me about something and I’m trying to be funny and act like everything is cool but also show you that I care and I hope you still like me and I’m gonna just send this now before I get weird in case you really are mad at me.” I mean, that’s what I was thinking. I wrote it a little better. But just a little better.

Nothing.

A week went by. Now I was really annoyed. Another week. One more shot. I tossed off a Facebook message: “OK, I’m getting paranoid here. Are you alive?”

Nothing. Seriously? What the hell? She was just dropping me, without any explanation? Come ON. Don’t I deserve better than that? What the hell did I do to her? OK, maybe I wasn’t being that attentive or something. Maybe I was sort of wrapped up in my own stuff. But it’s not like I ever ignored her the way she was now ignoring me.

I told Bear my friend was ignoring me.

“Maybe you should try to get together with her,” he said.

“Whatever,” I said. “I don’t need to see her.”

“Maybe you should be nice to her,” he said. “Maybe we should invite her over.”

“I’m nice enough,” I said, nastily. I was feeling nasty. I was ready to ignore her back, forever. Because this is middle school. No, because that’s really how my mind works sometimes.

It wasn’t the first time Bear and I had a conversation like this about a friend. I’m usually ready to give up. He usually thinks I should try being nicer. When I get hurt, I want to retreat. Immediately. He thinks I should wait it out. He’s not always right. Sometimes things need to end. But usually I run too fast, too soon.

She didn’t write back. She didn’t write back.

And then today she wrote back.

She isn’t talking to anyone right now because one of her parents has cancer, suddenly. And one of her grandparents is dying. And her living situation has changed dramatically because of this.

I sat there and stared at my computer screen for a long time. I was floored. I was stuck. My brain stopped moving.

And once my brain started moving again, I didn’t have any idea what to do.

Shit. Shit.

I’m so sorry. I didn’t know. What can I do? That was the email I sent her. I couldn’t think of anything else.

It was not at all about me. And I thought it was about me. It’s so easy to think it’s about me.

It’s easy to get angry without thinking. But sometimes you really don’t know what’s going on with the other person. Like when you’re driving and someone cuts you off. Or when the waitress isn’t as friendly as you want her to be. Or when the salesperson doesn’t seem that helpful. When someone doesn’t write you back, and when you feel like there’s some subtle disrespect.  Or just when there’s silence.

Sometimes you don’t know the whole story. Actually, probably most of the time. And maybe, until you find out, you should chill. And be nice. And wonder if maybe your friend is going through something incredibly difficult.

Because maybe she is.

To my friend: Merry Christmas. I hope it’s a good one despite everything. And this is all to say that I’m thinking about you, and I think about you all the time. And even though I don’t know what to say, I really, really care.

To everyone else who is celebrating Christmas today: I hope it’s full of that thing called Christmas spirit! That sounds like a really good idea.  Merry Christmas!

(the thing my friend and I were joking about when we hung out last. We agreed: Molly was totally the worst one. source)

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Unroast: Today, although I am shocked by how much hair grows on my big toe, I love my feet. They’re solid.