the media did it!
Katie mentioned the media and body image in this comment. So this post (and the version of it on the Huffington Post) is for her.
I saw this commercial last night.
Bear was out until midnight, at a work dinner thing. I’d already hung out with friends, they’d already gone home, and I was sitting around watching Hulu. The same ad kept playing. An extremely thin blond model in underwear and a bra, dancing awkwardly. The camera zooms in on her breasts. Lingers. Zooms out. She places her hands over her face and appears to giggle in glee. She looks a little uncomfortable. She’s supposed to be having a dance party in her lingerie, alone. Because girls are always stripping down to dance alone, laughing and posing. We all know that.
Sometimes people think it’s silly to blame the media for all of the issues with body image girls have. We have free will. We are our own people. We aren’t plugged into the Matrix (although practically every time I’m waiting for the subway, I think of that epic subway battle, where they’re flying…So cool).
(It’s really, really upsetting me that I can’t find a better picture to represent this scene. source)
Plus, the media is this giant thing– too complicated and convoluted to diagnose. I like to think of it as an endless shallow puddle of oily water that we’re all always standing in. Sometimes we’re wearing good, sturdy boots. Sometimes, not so much.
I mean, I finally got rain boots, for the first time, maybe a couple months ago. That’s a long time going without. I think I’m still talking in metaphor, but I’m also talking about my boots now.
(I like them. They don’t match anything. source)
I had the weirdest thought, watching the commercial for the third time. “I don’t want her to see this.”
OK. Um, who? Am I being haunted right now? Why is the cat not having more of a reaction?
My daughter. My future daughter. The one I don’t know if I’ll ever have.
I didn’t want her to see the spindly, spidery model in her underwear, dancing for the camera, ungainly and uncomfortable and pretending to enjoy herself. I didn’t want her to come to any automatic conclusions. I didn’t want her not to even think about it– but for it to seep up through the open toes of her sandals.
They picked that model, to show us what is cute and sexy and pretty and girlish. What breasts should look like. What fun should look like. What being a girl is like. They picked the best example of it. I know, because of all the money. When you put so much money into something, you want to get it right. And if right is that model, dancing, I don’t want my daughter, who doesn’t even have boots yet, to see it.
But she’s so skinny, I keep thinking, unoriginally. Don’t worry, I know how unoriginal it is– but it’s almost the ordinariness of the observation that makes it meaningful. We keep making this observation over and over, but here she is. So skinny that I’m worried. I know, I’m not supposed to be. Some bodies are naturally like that. It’s true. But then there are too many statistics about models. They are so often dieting, even if their bodies are like that, because it’s not enough for the designers. It’s not enough for the look. I’m not supposed to think anything negative about her fragile, straining ribcage, but the thoughts come anyway. Because even if this is natural for this young woman– it will probably not be the natural look for my daughter. And even if she is, through some genetic contortion, extremely tall and thin, I have a feeling her breasts will not be somehow full. It does happen, yes. It sometimes happens. But not so very often that it should seem usual.
Watching the commercial for the third time, bored, I wonder why I’m not worried for myself.
Maybe some invisible line has been crossed. She’s too young, so I don’t compare myself to her. I’m pretty happy about the way I look these days, so I don’t compare myself to her. I write about body image a lot, so I pause for a second, before I compare myself to her. It feels familiar. There’s something a little off–like I might be walking into a trap. I stop, I turn around.
When Bear comes home, he has had too many whiskies. He is loudly proclaiming his love for me. He was the only married man at the dinner. The other guys were talking about women. He was talking about me. He says, “If I went to one of these work things and every other guy was there with a supermodel– I would be so proud to be there with you. Because they all think they know what they want– but I have the best thing. You’re the best thing!”
I wonder for a second why he’s even thinking about supermodels. Why he needs to reaffirm me by contrast. Is that what I am? The opposite of a supermodel? And then I let it go. I am just me. And he is just proud of who I am. And I am proud of who I am, too.
But it took a long time. And when you are just figuring out how to be a girl, what it means to be pretty, how important that is, how you’re supposed to look, the things that other people value, that this culture is obsessed with underwear and bras, whether or not we live in the Matrix– when all of that is just beginning– then OK, yes, I want to blame that commercial. And all of the commercials like it. And the billboards and the magazine covers, and those guys who vote for the “sexiest woman alive” and the “top 100 beautiful women in the world” (only three of them are ever nonwhite, and none of them are ever dark-skinned, and none of them have bumpy noses, and none of them are ever, ever heavy). I want to blame every image of unusual, dieting, anomalous, dangerously specific beauty For showing girls what girls are supposed to be. For showing girls exactly what girls are supposed to be, so many times that we can’t help but learn.
And I want to cover my future daughter’s eyes, so that she thinks her Jewish nose is sexy. And her sweetly rounded upper arms. And her little breasts.
But it’s impossible– so, watching the lithe, helpless model gyrate, for the fourth time on Hulu– I am scared.
* * *
How do you feel about women in commercials?
Unroast: Today I love the way I look in nothing except a giant green shirt. I just do.
P.S. I’m in the NY Times! Check out my argument for why homeschoolers should get to play sports at their local public schools. I didn’t pick the topic! When they asked me I was like “YES!! Wait..What?” But my brothers had a lot to say about it, when I asked them 🙂
P.P.S. Just a general thought: if you decide to read comments under anything I publish about homeschooling in a big forum, be ready for people to be really hateful. And then please don’t tell me about it. Because even though I know people are always worse in comments than in life, I still get hurt sometimes.
Also: the rabbit dress post is on Mamamia, just in case you needed to read it AGAIN.
Kate on February 9th 2012 in Uncategorized
margosita responded on 09 Feb 2012 at 12:28 pm #
I want so much better for my daughter, too. So much more than those women in commercials.
I’m struck by Bear’s comparison, also. Not because I think he sees you as the opposite of a supermodel, but because part of what that commercial is selling is the idea that all men want to be with supermodels. Or should want to be with supermodels. So when men are attracted to non-supermodels it’s not about their partners being wrong, it’s also about their desires being wrong.
It makes dating and relationships a competition, especially for men who are judged on the “hotness” of “their women.”
UGH! The patriarchy SUCKS FOR EVERYONE.
CrescentMelissa responded on 09 Feb 2012 at 12:30 pm #
I loved this post, thanks for sharing.
Kate responded on 09 Feb 2012 at 12:31 pm #
@CrescentMelissa
Thank you for loving it! And for reading.
Kate responded on 09 Feb 2012 at 12:33 pm #
@margosita
Good point. I wasn’t even thinking about what men are supposed to want, but now I see how present that is here. Especially, I’d imagine, around other men, in a high-testosterone environment, there’s probably a lot of pressure to like the same kind of woman. Not liking that woman is almost a type of rebellion. Which is unfortunate, because people really do like different things, automatically.
Another Kate responded on 09 Feb 2012 at 12:40 pm #
Loved this post! Especially the part about Bear loudly proclaiming his love for you after a few drinks — sounds a lot like the first time my boyfriend told me he wanted to marry me (similarly after a few whiskies).
Kate responded on 09 Feb 2012 at 12:42 pm #
@Another Kate
LOL! I really don’t want to promote too much drinking, but wow, he’s cute drunk. He kept talking about how happy he was to be married to me. 🙂
Melanie responded on 09 Feb 2012 at 12:48 pm #
I dislike the fact that my boyfriend is a photographer, and all his models are rail thin. But that’s what models are, right? I don’t compare myself to any of those women, because I know that’s not how most women look. It’s how the media needs someone to look to sell whatever it is they are selling.
What I loathe more than the media images, are the shows like Dr. Oz that preach a number on a scale is what equates healthy. I want people to feel like they can be healthy, even if they don’t lose 50 pounds. There are healthy people, and unhealthy people, at every size. I know our society will never be weight accepting. Hell, I didn’t even used to be. But wouldn’t that be nice?
Danielle Meitiv responded on 09 Feb 2012 at 12:56 pm #
I just read the book “Cinderella Ate My Daughter” because as the mom of a 3 year old I am SO SCARED of what she’s going to get from all sides as she grows up.
So far the only two ways I can think of to limit the effect of our incredible sexist sexualizing culture are:
1 – to limit media exposure at home (no I can’t control what happens at school) – there will be no nubile princesses in this house for as long as I can avoid them
2 – to limit consumption overall. The idea that $$ buys happiness and “perfection” is totally wrapped up in the pretty princess myth and it will be much easier to resist buying pretty crap if we just don’t buy all that much to begin with.
Also, so much of the sexualizing of little girls has to do with marketing crap to them (and of course a backlash against feminism but it’s damned lucrative at the same time)
Don’t get me wrong – I do not want my daughter to grow up in an asexual environment – I want her to explore what femininity means to her with as little coercion from the media as possible
Diana responded on 09 Feb 2012 at 1:04 pm #
Holy shit, girl!!!! Congrats on the Times! I have chills. So proud of you!!!
katie responded on 09 Feb 2012 at 1:08 pm #
A post just for me! 😀
Great post, Kate. The daughter piece of this is what scares me the most. My mom and I talk about how things do just seep into your children. She wanted so much for her daughters to be supremely confident, to always feel like they were okay, but because SHE was not supremely confident, because SHE wondered if she was okay, we felt it, we picked up on it. It was in the air. Not a blaming thing – I adore my mom to pieces. And what was she to do? I worry about this – that I will tell my daughter over and over that she’s beautiful as she is, that’s she’s gorgeous and special and just right, but that she will see on my face some emotion as I compare myself to another woman, she will feel in the air my negative thoughts about my body when I watch a commercial like that on tv. I too am scared.
Jessie responded on 09 Feb 2012 at 1:10 pm #
Love the post. Reminds me of a moment last night with my own boyfriend. While we’re watching The Truth About Cats and Dogs (and testing the bf’s new recipe for cajun mac n’ cheese w/ pan-fried chicken btw), the secondary male character tells the primary male character that it doesn’t matter what his love-interest’s personality is like, only that she is super hot. I’m thinking this is an unoriginal stereotyped idea, when the bf reveals to me that in every group of guys, there is actually always at least one guy like that – one guy willing to be the stereotype and uphold the stereotypes. Just goes to show the media tries to control not only how we feel about ourselves, but also how we should view other people. I’m just glad we can eat our cheesy fried dinner together and agree we’d happily date Janeane Garofalo.
Michi responded on 09 Feb 2012 at 1:15 pm #
Oh Kate, I love an extended metaphor. If I didn’t hate rainboots so much, I might go out and buy some just so I could pretend to splash around in gross media water.
My mother managed to shield me for a while. I don’t know how she did it. But it didn’t even occur to me to be uncomfortable with my body until college. And now I’m super super uncomfortable. It was like waking up to someone dumping a bucket of cold water on my face.
That’s the problem, even if you manage to protect your future daughter while she’s young, she’ll still have to go out into the world someday, and if the world’s still… like this… she’ll still end up with a head full of self-loathing thoughts.
It all makes me really sad ;.;
Jensketch responded on 09 Feb 2012 at 1:43 pm #
Dont give guys such a short shrift. They voted Christina Hendricks sexiest woman alive last year. This year it was Sofia Vergara. One is “heavy” the other Latina. 😉
Men are far more forgiving in the real world than we realize. They prefer real women.
Katharine Lilley responded on 09 Feb 2012 at 1:45 pm #
My husband and I gave up t.v. together before we were married. I remember being VERY adversly affected by commercials at the crucial points in growing up. They definatly attributed to my poor body image.
I have a daughter now. A daughter and a sweet son. We don’t have t.v. because there is NO WAY IN HELL I am going to allow the media to decide what (product, lifestyle, body image or anything else) my children see. I thank God I don’t have to watch political ads either. We have become so RE-sensitized to t.v. after not having it for so long, it’s shocking. We are in the fray, but I am passionate about the fact that I will not let my children’s minds and souls be bought. My daughter has a healthy body image and I refuse to expose her to an idea of “a perfect woman”. I refuse to let my son be exposed to the idea of women as something less than human. I hate commercials. I cannot be bought, either.
Rowdygirl responded on 09 Feb 2012 at 2:02 pm #
Your blog is refreshing to me and I’m 50 ! I’m just now learning to love myself, and as I type those words I know I’m not there yet, but I’m trying. I want for you to never be where I’ve been all these years, so keep doing what you’re doing. I’ve struggled my whole life with weight, and it’s caused me to not live a joyful life.
I’m hoping that it’s not too late for me and I’m able to finally breathe and live a life as a non-skinny woman.
Keep those good thoughts a’comin !
Amanda S. responded on 09 Feb 2012 at 2:28 pm #
This is a really great, true…real (like all of your other posts that I’ve read…) post.
Thanks for sharing it….I *might* have to share this blog with others 🙂
Lynellekw responded on 09 Feb 2012 at 3:49 pm #
I don’t know. I’ve never really associated myself with those women. When I was six-or-seven I wanted – for a short period of time – to be a ballerina. Not really REALLY wanted, but wanted in the vague kind of way associated with wanting to wear pink tutus and ribbons. And I remember having this sudden moment of realisation – I DIDN’T want to be a ballerina. I just felt like I was SUPPOSED to want to be a ballerina. Actually I wanted to be a librarian or (preferably) a cat. It was an epiphany. I was pretty well read for a six-or-seven year old, but I didn’t know the word epiphany – but if I knew it, that’s what I would have called it. It hit me suddenly as I was walking along the sandy path between my house and school, heat radiating off the sand to toast my sandalled feet. I didn’t want to be a ballerina. I couldn’t figure out where I’d gotten the idea that I was supposed to want to be a ballerina – we didn’t have a TV, I didn’t read books featuring ballerinas, I liked playing in sand and mud and trees instead of dressing up in tutus, I didn’t like pink or dresses or hairclips. But somehow I’d absorbed the idea that little girls were supposed to want to be ballerinas. That was the day I realised: I’m not like other girls. So by the time we did have a TV, and by the time I did start to see those skinny girls-in-underwear images, I already knew they weren’t about me. They had nothing to do with me. I liked wearing clothes I liked instead of clothes that were fashionable. Advertising and “beautiful” people lists were for… someone else. Sometimes I get the feeling that the media world is like six-year-old me – it shows certain images as beautiful because it knows that they’re “supposed” to be beautiful… and that media world hasn’t suddenly stopped while walking on a hot sandy path and said – hang on, WHY do we have that skinny blonde chick dancing in her knickers? Who said that’s supposed to be what girls like? Who are we actually selling this lingerie to, anyway?
Kate responded on 09 Feb 2012 at 5:43 pm #
@Diana
THANK YOU!!! I feel really proud that you’re proud of me 🙂
Harriet responded on 09 Feb 2012 at 5:53 pm #
Awesome post. I’ve loved all these posts you’ve done recently about feeling attractive and good about yourself. I am feeling pretty good about my body these days, too, and I honestly think your posts have something to do with it. I’m fighting the voice in my head that tells me to I’m not allowed to feel pretty when I’ve gained a couple of pounds, and so far I’m totally winning. I want to teach my future daughter to ignore that voice in her head, too.
Deb responded on 09 Feb 2012 at 9:00 pm #
Wait until you have a daughter and then you go into the store to buy your THREE YEAR OLD clothes and all they have are HOOCHIE clothes with hideously inappropriate sayings across the ass.
gah.
Which is why my daughter wears her brother’s hand-me-down jeans and I buy her shirts that are sized for girls three years older than she is.
I gotta be on hoochie alert everytime I shop. It’s v. frustrating. I could rant for literally HOURS. Is an INSEAM too much to ask when buying shorts? Yes, apparently.
Val responded on 09 Feb 2012 at 10:35 pm #
Yeah, the culture gives the message to men that they’re supposed to prefer supermodels too. Plus supermodels are really, really fancy.
And there’s something about subliminal cues that make one sex attractive to the other, like pheromones, and eyes are drawn to the curve of a woman’s waist, to full lips, subtle things like this.
But between natural attractants and supermodels, there’s a LOT of room, and I think men hear too–how the supermodel is the ideal, and their partner doesn’t fit that role, yet they really don’t care.
Do you remember Bruce Springsteen’s first wife was some sort of model type and then they split up when he got involved with a woman who was a musician?
Someone who knows him, in an interview said that the first wife was a nice person, but they were mismatched. She was who he was supposed to want to be with (and probably vise versa.) But in the end, the very not-supermodel musician was the one he actually had a real connection with.
Anyway. As usual, I loved reading this, Kate. love, Val
p.s. I threw away the Disney Beauty and the Beast when the girls were little because it was so upsetting to me. I didn’t want them watching that! Ugh. Domestic violence with dancing dishes? (I loved those dishes too, and Belle was so pretty.) “Girls. You can never love a man into being nice.” Later they got it.
T.K. responded on 09 Feb 2012 at 11:54 pm #
This is an amazing post Kate. I sent you an email a little while back about the media and body image and airplane emergency evacuation announcements that feature women with with teeny wastes and giant boobs. Not sure if you saw it, but right on! Couldn’t agree more.
Deanna responded on 10 Feb 2012 at 9:17 am #
Did you watch the commercials for the super bowl? Talk about depressing. The women are not just thin and perfectly built, they have beautiful faces and hair. Even at my age, I feel inadequate when I see these women…I feel like somehow I got cheated even though I am thin (being thin isn’t all that it’s made out to be).
Did you see the movie MoneyBall? There is a scene where they are discussing an athlete and they think there may be something wrong with him because his girlfriend is not beautiful. Have you noticed how most athletes have supermodel girlfriends? When you go out in the LA area all the rich guys have beautiful girlfriends. They may be totally plastic (and most are) but you never see a wealthy man with a regular looking woman.
Which makes me think that maybe the media really is influencing men and that beautiful women are like great cars, it’s something you are supposed to have.
Someone mentioned Sophia Vergara as being voted one of the sexiest women. Latina women have been considered sexy for many years. She has big boobs, a beautiful face, gorgeous hair…why is it a surprise men like her. Show me someone who looks like the woman who played Carla on Cheers (she’s married to Danny DeVito and her name is escaping me)a short, kinky haired girl with an ethnic nose as a sex symbol and then I’ll be surprised.
If you look at various cultures and norms what is considered beautiful doesn’t vary much. Some men prefer heavier women some like thin but the general look stays the same. I also believe that the media is 100 times worse now than it was back in the 70s and 80s when I was very young. My daughters are under much more pressure than I ever was to look a certain way.
Jiminy responded on 10 Feb 2012 at 9:44 am #
I agree. I’m freaked out, too, when I think of the deep-rooted twistedness that we are battling with every day and the fact that my (existing) daughters will have to face it too. But I don’t think shielding anyone from the mainstream is going to make a difference for them. Because I can shield them as much as I want and if they then meet the man of their dreams, who is in all ways adorable, but has passed his youth absorbing the concept that it’s lingerie and sleeziness that must be doing it for him, they will be faced with an even bigger challenge than I am today. I think explicit education is the key – I believe they can be princesses as much as they want AND understand that there are many types of people and bodies out there (I am planning naturist seaside resorts for this part, just as where we went when I was growing up -by the way, that totally takes care of the spa issues 🙂 ).
That said, I am annoyed daily at the latest Esprit poster on the streets here, with a girl in size zero orange trousers and the upper body of a twelve-year old (plus boobs). I can’t even make up my mind what is more disturbing, the skinniness presented as attractive or the immaturity conceived as desirable…
Rebekah responded on 11 Feb 2012 at 3:53 am #
This is the first time I’ve read your blog (I found you from “18 Things Women Can Do That I Just Don’t Understand” that you wrote on The Frisky- I can’t do any of that stuff either), and you are so awesome! I have the same thoughts about my future daughter(s), if I have any. I remember from an early age thinking I was fat (I wasn’t). I think the worst was when I was anorexic at 19 and everyone thought I looked great after I lost so much weight. Now it sickens me, but I’m sure their intentions were good. They didn’t know.
I have three sons now, and I can only hope to instill in them a proper idea of what a woman should be that has nothing to do with a number on a scale or a dress size. Thanks for this article, Kate. Btw, I also read your post with your bunny dress, and you look smokin’!
Sooz responded on 13 Feb 2012 at 6:36 pm #
I cringe every single time I see women in commercials. Even toothpaste commercials sexualize women. I find that I cannot hold back on commenting about how unrealistic that seems and how I don’t need sexy women selling me things. In fact, I will often NOT buy if the advertisers are trying to make me think that I’ll be sexy and awesome if I buy the same product that some super skinny model beauty is using. Seriously, I am not that dumb. Anyway, great post Kate!!!!!!!!
Taylor responded on 13 Feb 2012 at 8:18 pm #
When I was young I was one of those naturally super skinny girls and I’ll agree, it’s not all it’s cracked up to be. I once had older girls throw sandwiches at me because they claimed I was anorexic when in reality I ate like a football player, I was just athletic so food never stuck.
Then I had kids…Now I have an hour glass figure, and three teenage girls and I am content with how I look and their images of themselves.
I didn’t take away the movies or the dolls etc, because you can’t escape it and it’s better they learn to love themselves in the face of the hype. The best you can do is talk about being healthy and happy no matter what you look like. I made sure my girls understood that the idealistic looks of the media is an extremely low percentage of the worlds women, and most of those girls are dying to eat a cheeseburger.
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