Why My Husband Will Never Get A Sugarbabe
(image source here)
I tried to let it go. I tried to just stop thinking about it. But it wouldn’t go away.
Last week, on a random day like Wednesday, or maybe Thursday, my fiancé came home to find me staring at the article on my computer.
“Um…hi,” he said. “Are you OK?”
“Yeah, yeah,” I said. “Just reading some stupid article.”
He sat down and read over my shoulder, “….Start laying the foundations for negotiated infidelity.” And then laughed and said, “What is this?”
It was an interview with a woman who wrote a book called “Sugarbabe.” The book urges every couple to find a young, sexy woman who will provide the man with sex (of course) and, charmingly, “the three C’s” (Cooking, counseling, and conversation.) Cooking! Of course! Because the wife keeps making the same old leathery potroast. And let me correct myself– this doesn’t apply to every couple. Only the rich ones. Or at least only couples who can afford to lavish a lot of resources on the sugarbabe.
So basically the sugarbabe is an escort, except so much better, because she gets to stay! And hang out! And make you tea!
Ideally, the wife (it’s assumed that the couple involved are married….why else would the man have grown so bored?) will get along with the sugarbabe, and everyone will be a big happy family. Especially the husband, because he is getting what he wants and needs more than anything else: tons of sex with more than one woman.
It is not the first time that I’ve read that all men want the same thing, and that thing is always sex, and that sex is always with a wide variety of partners (except for male partners, that’d be gay*…). Sometimes this information comes from much more reputable sources than the sugarbabe. Sometimes Science is saying it.
“According to evolutionary biology, the male of the species, much like a borer beetle or a newt, will require the diversification of his genome through….a ton of hot sex with babes in bars.”
It doesn’t even matter who says it. Every time, I get depressed. And that’s what I was feeling when my fiancé found me at the computer, staring at the sugarbabe’s explanation for why every woman needs to get over the whole possessive thing that women do: “Genetic modification might be OK for fruit, but not for guys. That means we have to use men’s biology to work for us, rather than against us. Naughty feminism is walking the dog on a leash rather than letting it escape through a hole in the back fence.” Yes, the man is definitely a dog in the analogy. And if setting up an affair for him is keeping on a leash, it must be a very, very long one. Does anyone want to comment on her usage of “feminism” here?
Her words didn’t make me turn to my fiancé, tears welling in my eyes, and ask him, “Would you ever do such a thing to me?….to….us?” It made me feel incredibly sad for this woman, who has written this book about how her partner will never care enough about her to stop having sex with other people. That’s always the reason. And maybe it’s condescending. To tell her “I know so much better than you.” I’m not trying to do that. But my reaction is so strong, it’s like a flood. And I’m like a little spindly hut on those poles by the river. So I blame it on the flood. For a moment, I see the world through her eyes, and it is this empty shell of a world. A world where no one can ever be intimate, because half of the population is incapable of it. They’re just waiting for the right moment to cue up the porn.
There are basic, incredible things that define human experience that are being missed here. The establishment of trust. The maintenance of trust. The ability to finally really trust. Other things that have to do with trust. The sense of being able to be absolutely vulnerable, of being able to be the worst version of yourself, without having to worry about it. The pride of exclusivity, where you feel another person is only yours, like you’re the only one who owns the Mona Lisa, and the awing responsibility and excitement and self-satisfaction that results.
The other night I was asking my fiancé, “What shoes did you wear the most in high school. What was your favorite shirt?” And I realized I was really interested in his responses. I want to be able to picture him at different points in his life, just being himself, going to class, whatever— because he is mine. And everything about him matters to me for that reason. Everything seems special and fascinating. Because everything that he is is a part of the person who I’ve chosen, and who has chosen me. It’s totally possessive. I won’t deny that for a second. But what is wrong with wanting to protect the things you love and need the most?
The sugarbabe tries to show us a world in which it’s natural for all men to want casual sex, and inevitably grow tired of their partners unless their partners enable them to continue having a lot of casual sex. This is natural, she argues. Men are like this. That’s just the way they are.
It’s natural, of course, because of men. Women, apparently, want no such thing. Women never want casual sex. Women want….It’s not clear. Maybe to play bridge and go shopping for a new bathmat.
It’s obviously a ridiculous book, and I obviously shouldn’t be spending any time on it, but I can’t help wanting to yell at her, “Don’t you understand yet that men and women aren’t any one thing!!!” How is this an argument that is still alive? How is this an argument that is still being published? How is it an argument that is everywhere I look?
The sugarbabe has encountered a lot of unfortunate (though evidently quite wealthy) men in her life. Men who have cut themselves down to fit a narrow, tragic little stereotype. She has become a woman who also has to split herself into parts, so that she can only act one way. Maybe she’s happy, but as I read the article, I kept hoping that one day she’d meet someone who would tell her, “I don’t want anyone else.” And she’d look at him (or her…who knows?) and say, “I won’t ever let you go.” And they would mean it. And they would feel helpless and terrified and thrilled and suddenly complete. And they’d have the kind of sex that people have when they really trust each other, and know that they won’t be getting a bunch of brand new STIs, and can’t smell someone else’s perfume or cologne on their partner. And then they’d sit around on the floor, eating eggs and toast and ice cream and laughing hysterically, in the middle of the night.
Men and women do that sometimes. It’s the best thing ever. And a sugarbabe is never invited.
(image source here)
* * * *
Un-Roast: Today I love that I’ve always known what kind of relationship I wanted. And I always knew that it needed to include a guy who wanted to be faithful to me. And never for a moment did it occur to me that I might not deserve that. Also, I love my thighs. I may have said that before, but they’re especially cute in a squishy way today.
*This is a joke. But only sort of. Guys are constantly defining their sexuality as “not gay.”
Kate on August 18th 2010 in Uncategorized
cyndie responded on 18 Aug 2010 at 12:07 pm #
Thank you for this. I’ve been reading a lot of shit lately about how you need to let men cheat, because that’s just the way they are.
Um, what? my boyfriend and I were just talking the other day on how it would be unfathomable to cheat on each other. we only want each other, forever, however cheesy that sounds.
and, for the record, although he has a high libido, mine might be a bit higher 😉
Katie @ Health for the Whole Self responded on 18 Aug 2010 at 12:27 pm #
I’m really glad you posted this. I am so sick of everyone saying that if a woman isn’t ok with things like porn or the idea that men are naturally inclined to cheat, that’s her fault and she’s the one who needs to change her thinking. Maybe if we as a collective society started holding to men to higher standards – expecting them to be the trustworthy, intimate beings that many of them truly are – these silly stereotypes wouldn’t be so pervasive.
Katie @ Health for the Whole Self responded on 18 Aug 2010 at 12:35 pm #
An addition to my earlier comment. I shared your post with my husband, and here was his reply:
I like that she highlighted that men are not “any one thing.” Some men certainly are just sex hounds, but many (most?) of us aren’t! Many of us like and want sex…but with our partners. I think the post could have been titled “Why My Husband Doesn’t Want a Sugarbabe.”
Cait responded on 18 Aug 2010 at 12:38 pm #
I love this post and I love your unroast. I too hope the author one day meets someone who will love her unconditionally and be faithful to her.
Diana in CT responded on 18 Aug 2010 at 12:38 pm #
Just another double standard excuse for the boys since (nudge, nudge, wink, wink) they can’t help themselves. The other message I’m getting fromt this book is the “example” of what we women should be doing to keep our husband’s happy. bleck!! Thankfully my faithful husband of 22 years is a little more complicated than that. With no commentary on the whole monogamy = naughty feminism subject, this book is one more example of our society’s consumption of products that tell us what we’re supposed to be rather than embracing what we actually are. Healthy relationships can’t be produced by any book, that takes commitment, trust and truly caring for the other partner.
Amelia Jane responded on 18 Aug 2010 at 12:48 pm #
Hi! This is really interesting, because it feels like the conflation of a few ideas here. I am not down with the gender sterotyping and binaries of ‘men cheat/women whine’ or whatever, but your post then sets that against the idea that a monogamous relationship is the way to go, the one way to be that will make you ‘complete’.
I’m not down on anyone who does believe this and want this, but there are plenty of people, who are good, kind, loving people, who are hanging out laughing hysterically, eating whatever, with one person, having sex with another person and falling in love with another person.
The idea of these sugarbabes is, perhaps, a movement towards realising that maybe, not everyone is ‘complete’ in a monogamous one-on-one relationship of the kind society sets up as ‘the right way to be’ and can further conversation about other kinds of relationship structures which can be beneficial to many people who are otherwise struggling with why they feel so emotionally close and intimate with one person, but want to have sex with another, and how bad that makes them feel, and so forth. (I don’t mean that’s what the sugarbabes idea is MEANT to do! Just that maybe it could!)
Erika @ Health and Happiness in LA responded on 18 Aug 2010 at 1:01 pm #
Wow, that whole idea is sad and gross. And I know that most men are not like that! The idea that they have the primal urge to spread their seed is stupid and it’s just an excuse some men use to sleep around. I do agree with the above commenter that some people require different kinds of relationships, and there are couples that have an open relationship or go swinging together and if that makes both of them happy, cool. And maybe some guys fantasize about sex with other women – but they love their wives too much! I definitely think that you should change for your partner when something is really important to them. That certainly includes being faithful to them.
Rachel responded on 18 Aug 2010 at 1:23 pm #
I find biological arguments about gender roles as frustrating as ones that rely on religious authority. Neither one should authorize men or women to violate the commitments they make to their partners. And the whole sugarbabe thing sounds too much like concubines.
That said I believe that polygamous families can be happy, and concur with previous commenters that monogamy isn’t for everyone.some might feel that the kind of monogamy you describe requires too great a loss of self.
Amy responded on 18 Aug 2010 at 2:01 pm #
I’d like to think that I am a sugarbabe and that’s why my husband married me. Hell, if he can fantasize, so can I. :0)
Amy
Kate responded on 18 Aug 2010 at 2:40 pm #
@Amelia Jane
Good point! I definitely don’t mean to imply that monogamous relationships are the only way to find happiness for absolutely everyone. They aren’t!
I probably could’ve been more clear.
But my argument is more against the idea that every couple should do what the sugarbabe is suggesting than it is for only one other path to fulfillment.
Maya responded on 18 Aug 2010 at 6:00 pm #
I’m confused…the sugarbabe provides sex, “cooking, counseling, and conversation?” Cooking aside…why would you be married to someone if you didn’t want to talk to them, help them with their problems, and, at least occasionally, have sex with them? What exactly does the wife have left to do in this situation, stand around looking not-pretty-enough?
Amelia Jane responded on 18 Aug 2010 at 7:18 pm #
@Kate
Gotcha! It did seem like that mostly, but seemed to slip into a ‘but aren’t monogamous relationships, like, great!’ tone, which is obviously your personal feeling, but as you say, not for all. Definitely, the sugarbabe route is not the ‘one true way’ for relationship happiness either, but it’s totally possible that sometimes a wife-y is not happy fulfilling certain aspects of her partner’s needs, but is happy for the hired help to do it? Hmmmm.
Also! Sugarbuns. Is the name of the male hired help/escort service I am planning to provide in the future, wherein all the men will be vetted for a certain standard of stamina, if you know what I am saying, because sometimes, the women, they are also unfulfilled in certain ways.
Jeremiah responded on 18 Aug 2010 at 8:43 pm #
Entertaining and fun and thought provoking as usual, Kate. Paul Ehrlich wrote a fine book called Human Natures, pointing out that as evolving creatures, our “natures” are evolving, too. so, referring to damn near any trait or behavior as an expression of “human nature” is pretty lame.
You’ve got it right, I think, with your ongoing refrain of we all come in a range of shapes, sizes and dispositions, all of which are subject to flights of weirdness and wonder at ludicrous times.
thanks for turning us inside out occassionally.
Emily responded on 19 Aug 2010 at 2:56 am #
love it 🙂
Wei-Wei responded on 19 Aug 2010 at 5:54 am #
What the HELL? I cannot believe that this book hasn’t been slammed like hell on Amazon already. Is feminism out of style now that you have to go back to being a perfect housewife? What the hell is wrong with the woman who wrote this? God! Does she have no emotions or what? I don’t believe she used to be educated properly as a psychologist. Jeez.
San D responded on 19 Aug 2010 at 7:53 am #
The divorce rate in the United States would support the notion that mistresses are alive and well. This book or article you were reading is one woman’s way of taking power over a situation in which she has been thrust. I always say that there are no victims only volunteers. She proves my point.
Katee responded on 19 Aug 2010 at 9:22 am #
Excellent post.
I hate this little subculture of letting men cheat because they’re biologically wired that way or whatever nonsense excuse is given. This young lady has bought into the patriarchal notion that men just can’t help themselves, so we might as well give them the freedom to have sex with whomever they feel like.
I asked my boyfriend about this once, if he’d ever cheat on me because he was “just made that way,” and I’d never seen him get so upset and so heartbroken over any question. The two of us want nothing but each other, biology and sugarbabes be damned.
And by the way? That visual of the ice cream and the eggs and the toast? Beautiful.
darryn (brio.gusto) responded on 21 Aug 2010 at 1:29 am #
I actually read this book this past summer. I was staying in a hotel in Delhi that had a book exchange, and this was left with a message inside that read something like: “Give it a read – you will be pleasantly surprised!” and was signed by all the women who had read it.
Well, I read it, and I was completely disappointed. Let me just start out by saying that this book is complete trash. This woman is not only a terrible writer, but she draws some really premature “conclusions” as well (re: men’s biology, tendency toward infidelity).
Honestly, the way this book came across to me was that this was a woman who hit rock bottom (she says it herself), decided to become a “sugarbabe” (ie. glorified prostitute) to pay the bills, and figured that writing a book about it was the way to justify it. Let me also add that every relationship she talks about ever having (in the book) fails, and that she never ever meets that man who says “I won’t ever let you go.”
It seems that her conclusions that infidelity is not only biological but also inevitable, are basically drawn out of her own need to explain every failed relationship in her own life (and in others’ – the skewed sample of men she was privy to).
I was peeved at the conclusions – I was honestly hoping for something more profound after all the trash I had to read to get to the ending.
I’m glad you wrote this post. 🙂
AJ responded on 22 Aug 2010 at 3:40 am #
@Amelia; I wish i could only believe sugarbabes is about accepting polyarmorus relationships, but i don’t think i know anyone who believes in polyarmory.. only for men XD
Lab Rat responded on 22 Aug 2010 at 7:37 am #
I know lots of men who are in relationships, and they are in those relationships because they feel a strong deep and overwhealming reciprocated attraction for a single person. They don’t want to cheat, they are not constantly forcing themselves not to cheat.
To take the “sugerbabe” approch is to deny that men can feel that love. Which is sexist and unfair.
And as someone else pointed out, with the sugerbabe providing cooking, conversation, councilling and sex what is the wife actually meant to *do* with her husband?
The Beautiful Kind responded on 22 Aug 2010 at 7:50 am #
First of all, I’m not into the concept of sugarbabes or sugar daddys.
Now on to the important part of your post. I’d say that most humans are non-monogamous (90%), some are naturally monogamous (8%) and very few are asexual (2%).
I am in an honest open relationship that is built on mutual respect and worship.
Just about everyone I know has an easy time falling for other people and acting on it, but they have a serious issue with their partner doing the same. This double standard is why so many people choose to be sneaky.
We need not be afraid of who we truly are, and who our partners truly are. Face the fear. Acknowledge it, and replace the fear in your heart with love. The process took me years to work through. It’s not easy, but it is so worth it.
maggie responded on 23 Aug 2010 at 9:03 am #
Ahaha, I love this. Currently my primary relationship (with my fiance) is not monogamous. But just for me. He isn’t interested in anyone else.
Hilarious. And he isn’t going to cheat. Why would he, when he can just say “Hey, I’m going to sleep with someone else too”?
But no no, men are slobbering creatures of instinct and selfishness. *rolls eyes*