Touched By A Stranger
I sit at a computer a lot. I’m doing it again right now. It’s not an easy thing to do. It’s daring and reckless. You risk your life. Your bones crumble, you put yourself at risk for heart disease, you’ll definitely die younger, and now my mother tells me if I put my laptop on my lap, I’ll fry my ovaries and never be able to have babies (she read an article). While I’m not exactly planning on having babies anytime soon, and I don’t even really know what my ovaries look like, the image of them being fried is disturbing. So now I try to keep the laptop at a safe distance, so that I can hunch over it without it zapping me with too many of its invisible death rays.
Anyway, the point is, my shoulders are really tight. My back is tight. There’s a lot of painful tension in my life, and not the kind where my fiancé and I sit across the table from each other in a stretch of silence that seems to last forever, until he breaks it by saying, “Did you ever really love me?” No. The kind that hangs out in my shoulder muscles.
So I decided to get a massage. And being a person of action, I immediately went on yelp.com and typed in “massage” and my address. And I found a respectable looking place on 72nd near Broadway that didn’t sound as though a bunch of naked guys with their genitals haphazardly covered with tiny white towels might be lying around in a big room divided by emergency room-esque curtains. And I made an appointment. And yesterday I got my first massage.
(image source here)
I don’t know what took me so long. It was amazing.
The massage therapist, Jennifer, touched me with this easy confidence and skill that was almost shocking. Maybe I shouldn’t have been shocked, but come on, if you’ve never had a professional massage, you’ve probably never experienced that kind of deliberate, soothing, totally non-sexual touch. The only thing that came close in my life was my dad rubbing my feet after my surgery, which distracted me from my pain and nausea, and my mom rubbing my back as a little kid, when I was sick. Some guy at a summer camp gave me a lot of back rubs. They weren’t like this.
So suddenly I was thinking about touch. About the ways in which people are allowed and not allowed to touch each other, and all the unspoken rules that we have concerning touch. My fiancé and I saw a family on the subway. The father had his hand on his teenaged daughter’s knee. When we got off at our stop a while later, my fiancé said, “Was that appropriate?” and I knew exactly what he meant.
“I think so,” I said. “It’s not like he was touching her thigh. Or moving his hand at all.”
I felt like I had a pretty firm grasp on most of the rules concerning touch. But then there I was, lying naked under a little towel in a darkened room, being touched very thoroughly by a stranger. And it was appropriate, of course, because it was a massage, but it felt subversive and secret anyway, because it seems a little like the category “massage” is ambiguous. It slips into a gray area. Which is why, I think, so many men just don’t understand that it’s not sexual. Not that I’m excusing them. I’m not. But I also understand why they respond sexually, because we’re trained to identify certain types of touch as sexual, and others as nonsexual, and being stroked and rubbed all over your body definitely falls into the former category most of the time.
I said, “Can I talk?”
She said, “I usually don’t start, but of course.”
And then I asked her everything about her life. And I asked her what she thought about touch. And if men sometimes tried to be sexual with her. And what she thought of the whole Al Gore scandal.
She said she wasn’t keeping up with the Al Gore thing. It just seemed stupid to her. Fair enough. She said that men almost never gave her any trouble. Because, she said, “I don’t advertise in The Village Voice. If you advertise there, that’s what you’ll get.” Who knew? And because, she explained, she presented herself in a clinical way, and they just seemed to know better.
She said that she wanted to help people feel more comfortable with their bodies. She told me that women were always apologizing to her when they came in. “I’m sorry about my legs. I haven’t shaved in a few days.” They were always apologizing for their bodies. She said she was tired of women feeling so bad about themselves.
We had a great conversation, and I won’t tell you anymore about it, because she agreed to write a guest post for me, so she can tell you herself what her work means to her.
I was inspired. I wanted to become a massage therapist. I wanted to be able to make touch a thing that could be shared by strangers in a meaningful, healing, and somehow simultaneously casual way. Like, this isn’t really that big a deal, but it’s still kind of amazing. I thought about how awkward we are. You know, we people. With these bodies we’re never quite sure what to do with. When I taught a music class for toddlers, I didn’t know how to get down on the ground with them, and make my face dramatic. I felt like an idiot. Sometimes, most of the time, my body doesn’t feel very versatile. I wonder what to do with my hands a lot.
So thank you, Jennifer, for beginning to loosen the years of tightness in my shoulders, and for making me think about all of the complexities of human touch.
I have a lot more thinking to do.
(Next time I’m definitely doing flowers in my hair. image source here)
* * * * *
Massage experiences?
Un-roast: Today I love my waist. It makes dresses look really cute belted. And I like dresses, and I like belts. So kudos to the waist.
P.S. Thanks for the passionate responses about feminism! I feel like I stepped on a lot of toes, and I hope no one officially hates me, but I’m glad some conversations were had, and, as always, I learned a lot. Blogging is so much better than college.
Kate on July 28th 2010 in Uncategorized
Samantha Angela @ Bikini Birthday responded on 28 Jul 2010 at 12:00 pm #
I had a massage once before and it was glorious. It was at my office. A masseuse was brought in as a “thank-you” to give a back and neck massage to some staff who did work on a big project. Is that not the best perk ever? I would take a massage over a free lunch any day.
janetha g. responded on 28 Jul 2010 at 12:19 pm #
that’s how i feel about massages. i don’t know what took me so long, i had my first one last february. and now i’ve had three. glorious indeed.~
Jamie responded on 28 Jul 2010 at 12:23 pm #
This is so timely, because I just booked a couple’s massage for our wedding anniversary next week. Neither of us have had one before, but I generally love physical touch, and my husband is a bit uncomfortable with it. So we’ll see how it goes.
I was away for the weekend and when I got back Andy absentmindedly ran his hand through my hair. It felt so good, for no other reason than no one had TOUCHED me in three days! That made me realize how much I crave physical touch – not necessarily even sensual or intimate, but just contact.
Virginia responded on 28 Jul 2010 at 12:45 pm #
Fascinating! Can’t wait for Jennifer’s guest post. I am, of course, obsessed with this whole non-sexual touch issue. And envious of massage therapists because while I always hope that my touch can convey acceptance when I work on people at Beauty U… since they’re there for a cellulite wrap or something else designed to “improve” their appearance, it always feels weird and loaded. And makes me sad when they tell me about their flaws.
Cindy responded on 28 Jul 2010 at 1:14 pm #
you know what…I was reading this and having a heart attack. I had a facial, not a massage a few years ago (well a long time…more than a few)…my Mom treated me and I was so fascinated by the whole thing and gabbed with the lady the whole time. I fell in love with the profession and was just soaking in the whole experience. I wanted to become an Esthetician right than and there.
UNTIL I came out and shared with my Mom all that it meant to me ( I was so excited and loved every minute of it) and she got MAD at me.
(???) my Mom, I swear.. but she got all huffy with me because I talked and didn’t “relax”. she said I wasted her money. So it’s taken me YEARS and years to go back and get a real massage, but my husband and I went together (got gift cards for christmas) and we fully loved the entire experience. I didn’t talk this time (learned my lesson), but I wanted too. I am fascinated by touch. I am such a touchy person (not like I have to touch you and her and them…but I have to constantly feel things. fabrics, textures, temperatures…I really truly experience my world with my hands and have suffered so much grief by, past husband mostly, who thought my touching people (like a pat on the arm) was inappropriate, weird and offensive. I always hug my dad, always as a kid was draped all over him (I didn’t get to live with him, so when he visited I needed to just connect with him) and kinda still do. again, was accused of being weird.
some people, just need touch and some don’t.
I think, those in my life (past) who used to berate me for that, were being manipulative anyways. I never truly offended someone who’m I walked by and said hello with a quick hand pat on the shoulder. My brothers got a smack on the head (ever so lovingly…haha) and my teenager gets his hair tousselled with all the time (he has thick wavy hair and let it grow long and I love it ).
he returns the favor while I am heading to work. grrr.
If we are odd, we are odd, but again I connect with my world with my hands.
fun topic and I cannot wait to hear/read Jennifer’s post.
Kate responded on 28 Jul 2010 at 2:32 pm #
@Virginia
Oy, I actually meant to link to you in this post, because I know this is an issue you talk about. Sorry!
Also, I got my eyebrows threaded for the first (and possibly last) time yesterday. I thought of you. Do you know how to do that? It’s sort of incredible.
Kate responded on 28 Jul 2010 at 2:35 pm #
@Cindy
Love this comment. I wondered if it was OK to talk, or if that would mean I wasn’t “relaxing.” Interesting how those things get separated.
And interesting how important touch is, on such a basic level, like Jamie was saying. Sometimes just a pat on the arm is enough to tide you over.
And that’s cute about your teenager 🙂
Karen responded on 28 Jul 2010 at 2:45 pm #
Another great post, Kate. Years ago when you were a baby I read Touching: The Human Significance of the Skin by Ashley Montagu. Montagu wrote eloquently about the the critical importance of touch in the physical and emotional lives of humans. Before reading his book, I hadn’t realize how significant touch was to our development. I think that today there often is an overemphasis on the sexual connotations of touch and a disregard for the benefits of touching others. Like Cindy, I too, like to give people I’m interacting with a pat on the arm, etc. I’ve noticed that the young children I teach (6-8 yo) are very receptive to touch and often hold my hand or give me hugs. It’s delightful!
Our children were raised with lots of hugs and kisses. Even though they are now grown, there still is a lot of physical affection between us. Isn’t that the way it should be? Children growing up in a home rich in physical affection tend to become affectionate adults.
bo responded on 28 Jul 2010 at 3:25 pm #
i am in school to be a massage therapist (one week and three finals away from being halfway done!). touch is such an amazing thing. i’ve been going to see MT’s for years to treat pain from repetitive motion injuries, emotional stress, random cricks from postural habits and to try to get to know my body better.
i thought about going to massage school right after i graduated from college with a b.a. in acting, knowing that although i had my art, i was also going to need a pay check. at the time i decided it would take too much time away from perusing acting so i went on to work a million part time crap jobs for five years trying to balance life, work and art. it was hard.
this time last year i came back to the idea of massage. now it fits. i want to act because of the magical connection that happens when people are on stage and in an audience. i found that connection happens in a yoga class too, so along the way i became a yoga teacher. i learned that what happens to a person always shows in the body whether they know it or not, and if you want to know a person or play a character a great place to start is be seeing how they are in their own skin. and the more i thought about it, the more i realized that massage offers that same connections between people that i am always looking for. two people in a room because the want to be there.
totally non-sexual, but completely genuine. a year in, i have learned a ton about the body, about people and about myself. i love that i get worked on in class, but i also love that i can help people feel better.
i feel like i have a bag of magic tricks that can make aches, pains, and tensions disappear. it is pretty cool. and i get to learn about people, and learn from them. i love it when my clients talk to me. connection. between me and them, and more importantly, between their bodies and themselves.
Justine responded on 28 Jul 2010 at 3:31 pm #
It’s so interesting to think about touch and when and where it is appropriate or not. Americans are known for being kind of touchy aren’t they? I always think it’s interesting who goes in for the hug and who backs away.
I can’t wait to hear what Jennifer has to say about touch and dealing with women and their body issues, great post as usual Kate!
Rob (R.M. Levitt) responded on 28 Jul 2010 at 4:31 pm #
Great post. You are so brave for broaching topics that a lot of people aren’t sure how to talk about. I’m very awkward about touch and affection. I think it’s because when I was a child, there was never any affection in my home. My parents hardly ever touched me or each other (at least in my presence). I never really had affection “role modeled” for me. I guess I grew up feeling on some level like I was “gross” somehow and unworthy of being touched, and that it would make other people uncomfortable if I tried to touch them.
It’s not that I don’t want to be affectionate. I’m just never sure when it’s “okay” and when it would be unwelcome. I’m afraid of making people uncomfortable with my closeness. If I made someone uncomfortable or they recoiled from me, I would feel like a disgusting piece of dirt and as though if I’d been stabbed in the heart. So I usually err on the side of caution and hardly ever try to touch other people. And I wonder if it makes me seem cold and uncaring. Sometimes I feel ashamed of wanting to be affectionate with someone.
I always worry about whether touching is appropriate or not, especially where children are concerned. I feel like I’m already taking a risk if I touch a child, simply because I’m a male—which I resent, because I think it’s awfully sexist, but that’s another issue! But the fact that I’m so uncertain about the “right way” makes me even more uneasy about it than most guys are. We worry about “too much” touching, but I’m not sure if people know just how harmful it is to get too little.
I’m not going to lie or downplay it. It sucks. I haven’t been held since I was a child. There’s no warmth or comfort in my life. I feel desperately trapped inside my own skin. I feel like no matter how much someone might like me, the moment I try to touch them they will recoil away from me as if I’ve done something wrong and everything will be awkward between us from then on. I need someone else to make the first move, or at least tell me it’s okay. Women don’t like that. It isn’t romantic. It comes across as if I’m not attracted, when really I just have a phobia about seeming creepy.
If there’s a point to all this uncomfortable honesty, it’s that I can’t stress enough how important it is for kids to get lots of affection and to be comfortable giving it. Otherwise they’ll turn out like me, feeling “dirty” or as though something is wrong with them even though they might be perfectly kind and harmless people. Touching someone makes them feel worthy of being touched. It makes them feel accepted and acceptable. It makes them feel like they belong within humanity. Not touching them makes them feel the opposite of that, and no one should ever have to feel that way.
Cindy responded on 28 Jul 2010 at 5:34 pm #
@Rob
my heart breaks so bad at your comment. My first husband, lived a childhood much like yours and I can tell you first hand, it CHANGED him.
his mother sufferd from bad depression and father was a fire fighter and always gone, when home he hid in his garage and his mom hid behind a newspaper. that was his childhood. he was given every toy imaginable to, no doubt, keep him happy. but no warmth, no affection and little of their time. For sure no cuddling or hugging or simple touch.
Today, he’s a narcissistic jerk. no comprehension of empathy or the pain he caused me, and his son. (the long haired teen)
I feel for him, and at the same time stay far far away.
I don’t have the answers for you, but I wanted to just say your honesty “touched” haha my heart (didnt mean to be flip there)
simple, honest, touch is so damn important. I think if it’
s inappropriate, you’d know it.
my son has friends (girls) that punch him and poke him and a few years ago he’d come home and complain about this or that girl that always wrote on his arm or hit him
I just smiled. They like you sweetie!
he gets it now!
connecting to our world in such a simple mannor shouldn’t be so complicated.
you are right, no one should ever feel that way!
lz responded on 28 Jul 2010 at 5:48 pm #
Sounds like a phenomenal experience! What your massage therapist said is so true and so unfortunate, how it’s so easy for us women to apologize for our bodies. And interesting point you raise about little kids – I think they always “know” what to do with their bodies because they don’t hold themselves back with their inner critiques, and because that self-judgment isn’t there, there is no hesitancy, so they have this sort of freedom about them. It’s inspiring! We could all take a lesson from the joy and carefree-ness of little kids.
Can’t wait to see the guest post!
takisha responded on 29 Jul 2010 at 12:24 am #
this post almost made me cry. i am a good friend of jennifer and a massage therapist as well and i agree, she truly is amazing. before i went to massage school i was a touchy feelly person. when i found out that there was an actual job that will let you touch people (appropriately) and get paid, i jumped on the opportunity.
my mother’s first massage was one that i gave her. afterward she sighed and said, “no one has ever touched me like that before.” i was both happy and sad at her revelation. how great that i could make her feel good and safe and clam with my hands; how sad that we live in a world where touch is relegated to two categories, sexual and non-sexual. and that positive non-sexual touch with a stranger is a difficult thing for most to conceptualize, except for handshakes, of course.
just today i had a man on the table that was remarking about the level of trust one needs to extend in order to lay face down on a massage table with one’s face in a hole. i had never thought about that before. now i feel blessed and thankful for all people that trust us professionals when they step into the room.
bobbie responded on 29 Jul 2010 at 8:07 am #
Now, go get a facial. They can be just as relaxing… and my favorite yet, a 30″ foot massage. Oooh
Emily responded on 29 Jul 2010 at 1:28 pm #
Great topic. I’ve found everyone’s comments so interesting and I can’t wait to read Jennifer’s guest post. I’ve thought a lot about touch as well. I’ve always been a hugger, and one who tends to hug and squeeze shy people who try to keep the hug at an awkward distance. But I recently started hanging out with a bunch of hippies in my town (which is quite full with them) and realized that a totally different standard of appropriate touch is in play for them. With this group, pretty much any touch is ok as long as there is no sexual intent behind it. Everyone hugs, snuggles, gives massages, puts their hands all over you while they are talking. It’s a wonderful way to bond.
on a different tangent, my boyfriend didn’t come from a household of no affection, but he did come out of two consecutive relationships (lasting 6 years total) where his partners were extremely unaffectionate. I had been friends with him before we ever got romantically involved and I remember how sad I was for him, because I could see how much he craved touch. I always tried to give him hugs because he just seemed like he needed it so much.
Later, I found out just how much he had needed and appreciated those hugs. it wasn’t sexual, it was just the need for human touch being satisfied. now, much later, we are dating and he has been so happy with how affectionate i am. I needed to remind him of that because he was so used to being unaffectionate to his girlfriends as they said that they didnt like “being touched”. it makes me sad for them but happy for me and him that we can be affectionate with each other and others.
p.s. i’m shocked how few people have had massages. they are easy to learn (at least the basics) and give to each other. if you have a partner or even a friend who isn’t afraid of touching, trading backrubs is a wonderful thing for everyone involved. I trade a back rub with my boyfriend every night while we are watching tv before bed. it’s a great way to relieve tension and keep your muscles relaxed. plus, it helps get you relaxed and sleepy. put some oil or moisturizer on your hands first, it helps for a better massage.
Tamar responded on 05 Aug 2010 at 9:13 am #
hey,
this was another great article. i’m behind the times on my google reader, so i know it’s a little belated, but i just wanted to point out that al gore has been cleared- some people will do anything to get a little attention and take advantage of famous people. (i know it’s not always the case that they’re lying, but sometimes. i think this would be an interesting article! :))
Noel responded on 06 Aug 2010 at 8:07 pm #
It’s so true . . . I always want to apologize to the massage therapist, even though I don’t because I worry I’d be awkward about it, and then the whole 60 minutes would be even worse. I always want to apologize for my thighs and my arms, which I think are fat and entirely too big for the rest of me, and because she has to touch them. And I always get really anxious about shaving beforehand, because every once in awhile I’ll miss a spot a few times in a row and then have this crazy, freakishly long hair on the back of my thigh or somewhere random. And I don’t want to have that kind of situation going on when I get a massage.
Imagine–alll that stress for something that’s supposed to be relaxing!
Eat the Damn Cake » Guest Post from my Massage Therapist responded on 14 Sep 2010 at 10:20 am #
[…] post is from Jen, the massage therapist who gave me my first massage, and who I mentioned in this post, called “Touched by a stranger.” Her practice is called StressLess, NYC, and […]