I Don't Want Everything to Match
(image source here)
I am on the phone with the stationer. I hadn’t known that that was anyone’s job title. We’ve been talking for a very long time, and she is unhappy. I am making her life extremely difficult. I am unable to comprehend something incredibly basic about the world, and, as a result, she has no idea what to do with me. We disagree about something so fundamental that we will probably never be able to understand one another. The problem may seem at first deceptively simple: She wants everything to match, and I do not. More than that, she doesn’t understand how anyone in the civilized world can take the stance that I am taking.
No one has ever insisted on not having a dark border on their wedding invitations before. In the history of weddings. It has never happened.
She keeps saying, “But it matches the text. The tones are harmonious.”
She says that a lot. The tones are harmonious. Every time, I think reflexively of one of those color coded xylophones for little kids.
(image source here)
“That’s ok,” I say. “It doesn’t have to match the text.”
“Well,” she says, patiently, trying to work with me, “We can switch the second border to navy blue, and then do the text in navy blue, if you don’t want the second border to be black because you don’t want the text to be black.”
“No,” I say, “I’d rather not have either navy blue OR black on either of the borders.”
She is silent for a very long time. I pace. I open the refrigerator.
“But you want the text and the border to match,” she says, finally, as though choosing her words carefully.
“No…” I say slowly back. “I don’t want that. It’s really ok if they don’t. Really.”
“If they don’t match,” she says, “then there’s too much going on on the invitation. It’s too busy, do you see?”
“That’s ok,” I say. “I don’t mind that.”
She sighs. I hear her rummaging around. “So you want….what?”
“How about the green with the gold flecks in it?”
“Weathered gold. Well, you have to have two borders.”
“I have to?”
“Yes. You need two borders.”
“Ok, then that and the regular gold.”
“Oh. Two golds.”
More rummaging. I feel like I’ve failed somehow. I’ve failed the test of good taste, and it’s not the first time. I keep taking it over and over again, for some reason. Just trying to fit into the world a little longer before I give up and move into my cave in the forest.
“She wants this,” she’s saying to someone else, her voice muffled. A few days ago, I was on my way to a copy shop on Broadway, with a drawing I’d made of my fiancé and myself, fully prepared to make copies of it for $52 on yellowish paper, and call it a day. But photocopying invitations yourself isn’t appropriate for a wedding like mine is turning out to be.
Now the stationer is muttering something that sounds like, “No. No, no, no.”
“Are you sure?” says the stationer, back on the phone officially. “The hydrangeas in the corner get interrupted by the weathered gold that you chose. And we don’t know what color to make the text. Did you want it to be gold, too? To match the second border you chose? That would be very faint. I don’t think anyone could read it.”
“No!” I say, finding myself suddenly aggravated. “No! I don’t need it to match! I just don’t like that boxed in look it gets, when the border is dark. It looks too prim, and stifled, and forced. It looks like it’s trying too hard. It looks like it takes itself really seriously. It’s ok if nothing matches! I’d like it better! I think it would look better!”
The stationer decides that I’m having a temper tantrum. I don’t want to sound like I’m having a temper tantrum. That’s embarrassing and childish.
“I’m sorry,” I say. “I got frustrated because I don’t want everything to match.”
“Well, everything should match. It’s better that way. I don’t know why you don’t want that.”
I don’t know why either. Maybe I shouldn’t even care about the invitation.
“You pick,” I say. “You’re the one who can see it. Just pick something. I’m sure it’ll be nice.”
“Ok,” she says, and hangs up.
It’s decided later. Black instead of navy blue. Which is good, because I don’t like navy at all.
There will be little cards for everyone at my wedding that say my name and my fiancé’s name, and the table number, I think. This will be in gold, in a font that matches the font of our names on the invitation. And there will be little hydrangeas in the corner, that match the hydrangeas in the corner of the invitations. And the stamp on the envelope will also match. It will also match the flowers in my bouquet. Which will be matched by the flowers the bridesmaids are carrying. Which will be matched by the exact shade of my grandmother’s hair. Everything will be beautiful. I don’t mean to suggest that it won’t. Everything will be stunning.
My fiancé, hearing the story, said, “I don’t think the groom will match anything very well.”
Well, the bride won’t really, either.
We’re both pretty disorganized, schlumpy people. We’ve even had conversations about matching, outside of wedding planning. When we came home from our friends’ beautifully decorated new apartment, we sat on the couch together and looked over our living area.
“Do you think we’ll ever have a matching furniture set?” he asked.
“Probably not,” I said. “I can’t imagine caring about that.”
“Me neither.”
I can’t imagine caring about a lot of stuff that other people care a lot about. I’ve mentioned this before. The entire concept of matching eludes me. At least, the matching of appearances. But people love it. It must feel safe, and organized. It must look harmonious. All of which makes sense, and is perfectly alright. But all of which seems complicated and a little stressful to me. All that effort, just to make everything uniform, when everything is almost always different in interesting ways.
My fiancé and I don’t look at all alike. He’s big and blocky and weighs almost exactly a hundred pounds more than me. He has an open, gentle face, with a boyish little nose and wide-set eyes with long eyelashes. He has freckles all over his shoulders. I am pretty small, with a moody, dramatic face and no freckles anywhere. Physically, we don’t match at all. But that’s where the fun begins!
None of our furniture matches, because each piece is trying to tell its own story. And even the path that my life has taken doesn’t necessarily match—it’s strange and surprising and sometimes boring, but never exactly what it’s supposed to be. And I think the best thing I can do is appreciate that, rather than trying really, really hard to make it all make perfect sense.
(image source here)
* * * * *
What do you love about/in your life that doesn’t match?
Un-roast: Today, honor of this post, love the way my body doesn’t match itself. Everything sometimes seems to be at odds, but every feature is pretty proud to be doing its own thing. What do you love about yourself today?
Kate on August 9th 2010 in Uncategorized
Jamie responded on 09 Aug 2010 at 12:27 pm #
UGH that is so frustrating. I made my own invitations and they didn’t match anything else but I liked them and they were cheap.
But your wedding will be beautiful. I can’t wait to see pictures : )
Becky responded on 09 Aug 2010 at 12:40 pm #
My boyfriend and I don’t match either. I’m 22 and he’s 45. I am “but wee” and he is “large and in charge.” I’m sheltered and rule-abiding, he was a Marine, a singer in a punk band, a drug-user, a fighter, a State Trooper, and married (“was” is the operative word in that sentence). I’ve never been happier in my life. So rock on, fellow non-matcher!
Also, have you ever visited Offbeat Bride? They offer great support for exactly the sort of issues you’re dealing with.
Un-roast: Today I love my hair. I was uptight about my hair for years, but I’m starting to realize that it actually looks better when it’s not perfectly done.
caronae responded on 09 Aug 2010 at 1:10 pm #
I am not a matcher. Never have been, never will be. There is a lot of pressure on women to be all matchy matchy. But I’m unique in my strange, conglomerate style, and to be honest, I think it’s more fun. Someday I will find a mate who is looking for exactly that, and we will be happy and unmatching together.’
Unroast: My shoulders are strong and smooth. A little wide, but very defined and still feminine.
Samantha Angela @ Bikini Birthday responded on 09 Aug 2010 at 1:13 pm #
I would have thrown my hands in the air and let my mom decide. After all, the wedding is always about everyone but the bride.
Amy responded on 09 Aug 2010 at 1:24 pm #
um. kate. um. i think you’re not really being honest here. not about not wanting to match — i believe you don’t want to match. but i don’t believe the part about ,not being able to imagine caring about what other people care about’. you care about your invitations so much that you actually had a slight temper tantrum on the phone with the woman. some people care that they match. you care that they don’t match. but you still care. i know it’s hard to admit, because i always thought i wouldn’t care about all those ‘unimportant’ things either– there are starving children after all and only really uptight spoiled girls would care. or me. when the wedding came around, i actually had an opinion. and you do to. it’s as important to you not to match, as it is for others to match. look! it’s the title of your post. i think not matching..and making a point of not matching…makes as big a statement for you as it does for those women (and men?) who need everything in their lives to be pottery barn perfect. it’s all about judgment. you are judging yourself to be, in some way, better than the ‘matching’ types. but now that you can see your similarities — maybe you’ll feel a little less judgmental. ?? maybe. Just sayin. since judgment or non-judgment is really what your blog seems to be about…
Cassie responded on 09 Aug 2010 at 1:27 pm #
Here’s my un-matching wedding story: My husband insisted that he and his groomsmen wear cravats, rather than regular ties with their tuxedos. Except, the tux store didn’t offer cravats in the right color. So, my husband took it upon himself to order brown floral fabric online and have his mother make cravats out of it.
We didn’t seem them with the tuxes until the night before the wedding. And they didn’t match at all. The colors were totally the wrong shades, and the floral pattern was horrific. But, my husband and mother-in-law insisted it was fabulous. So we went with it.
When it rained on my wedding day, my best friend made me feel a million times better about the un-matching cravats when she said “At least none of your pictures will be in direct sunlight. No one will even notice that they don’t match.” And she was right. And my wedding was still great, even though it didn’t all perfectly match.
Now I’ll have a funny story to tell our kids about their dad’s awful taste in fabric. 🙂
Sometimes, matching isn’t what’s most important. Glad you can see that!
My unroast: I love the funky stage I’m in right now. I never rebelled as a teen, but now at age 24 I’m married and have a tattoo and pink hair. It rocks!
jenny responded on 09 Aug 2010 at 1:46 pm #
Loving your blog.
I got married long enough ago that having someone organise a wedding wasn’t a big thing.
We managed to keep things small enough that it was easy to arrange everything.
The wedding invites and place names were hand written, the service sheets I put together and printed off myself.
Wedding rings were bought through a family acquaintance who was a jeweller and we both picked rings that we liked and which didn’t match.
Grooms suit was bought off the peg at a department store and certainly didn’t match the best man’s.
My in-laws ran a village pub at the time (I live in England) and so all of the alcohol and food was bought through them and their contacts.
There wasn’t very little that actually matched but we didn’t care as it was a wonderful day with all our family and friends there to share it, even my brother-in-law who had told us that he wouldn’t be attending because he had to be away doing his army reserve training.
Anyway I hope that you have a really special day.
laura responded on 09 Aug 2010 at 1:59 pm #
urgh, i understand how you feel. the world is so matchy matchy and there are so many cool things out there that are, well, let’s face it, not quite “pottery barn approved”. but i also think it’s much more indicative of who you are that your apartment, husband-to-be, and appearance are unmatchy and wonderful, rather than a small thing like the pieces of paper that tell people what day you’re getting married on. maybe having one matching thing in your life is ok, because it doesn’t match with the rest of the unmatchiness. whew. that was a mouthful.
anyway, my unmatchiness is now coming through with decorating my apartment. my roommate and i decided to decorate with the phrase “HOLY PATTERNS” in mind. i’m pretty sure nothing coordinates or makes sense, but together it creates a space that is exciting and bright and funny. i think there is as much to be said for “unmatching” as there is for “matching”- although pottery barn may disagree!
elise responded on 09 Aug 2010 at 2:22 pm #
you are so hilarious. i can relate so much to these conversations. i had quite the time with the florist. im sorry if my vision (or lack thereof) is too creative for you (aka too non traditional). blah. oh, and the fact that you described yourselves as “schlumpy” – hahaha. you are too much.
i love that our new apartment is coming together nicely without looking matchy matchy. its definitely more grown-up looking than before but not in a adult-y themed magazine look kind of way.
ps i loved the huff post’s piece on chelsea’s wedding too
Ellie Di responded on 09 Aug 2010 at 3:32 pm #
This both made me angry on your behalf and made me smile at our similarities. The entire world of wedding planning made/makes me insane. People who refuse to allow the couple to choose what they feel best represents them blow my freaking mind. I’m so glad that we chose not to deal with the “professionals”.
I’m totally not a matching person. My clothes, my possessions, my passions, my friends. They’re eclectic and chosen for merit rather than appearance or what anyone else thinks about them. I heartily support your non-matchiness. <3
McKella responded on 09 Aug 2010 at 3:58 pm #
That would have driven me crazy! What is so difficult about the concept of NOT matching? Or even coordinating? I had a similar problem a few times with my wedding stuff. I didn’t want anything to formal or “Foofoo-ey”, so I had to prevent my mom from putting bows on all the chairs, lacey stuff everywhere, etc.
Even though we look a lot alike, my husband and I have totally difference personalities. I’m really quite, introverted and a total bookworm while he’s uber-social, bubbly and a doer. It works.
Justine responded on 09 Aug 2010 at 4:25 pm #
I’m designing my invitations right now too! I’m very grateful to be a graphic designer so I can do them myself, and I can also say that when I’ve had a client who wants something that I don’t agree with (it happens all the time), I do it anyway, unless it’s totally insane or impossible. It’s important to keep your client happy, and it sucks that they gave you a hard time about it, especially since that doesn’t even seem like a big deal.
I hate matching too, if I had a dollar for every raised eyebrow I’ve received from vendors and family members since we started planning our wedding, I’d have enough money to pay for the whole thing! I’m starting to notice that EVERYTHING to do with weddings is stressful. People have a very specific idea of how things should look, and they love to let you know about it, but a wedding should look like *you*, so as long as you’re happy that’s all that matters!
lz responded on 09 Aug 2010 at 5:01 pm #
The stationer’s job is to guide you towards finding what YOU want and what you feel works best, not to force you to comply with her ideas. Honestly, what she’s doing, as you’ve described it, seems a bit immature and insecure – like maybe she’s scared that if she doesn’t turn out the perfectly “matching” cards for her client, she’ll be criticized or something. You know what you have that she didn’t? Confidence. You stood up for what you wanted, and you stood by it. You tried. And that’s what matters.
Noel Rozny responded on 09 Aug 2010 at 6:13 pm #
When I get married, I’m sending an evite. Seriously. People get so bent out of shape about what their invites are going to look like. Am I the only one that thinks they all basically look the same anyways?
There, I said it. Feel much better already.
B responded on 09 Aug 2010 at 6:37 pm #
If I were you, I would get some extra decorations and personal touches for the room/area you get married in, maybe something extra and un-matching to add to the bouquets. Forget about the invitations, it sounds like that ship has sailed, and they won’t have much of an impact on your day anyway.
But you can make sure that when you walk into the room in your dress, you will feel comfortable and at home and can smile at the reflection of your personality. I think that will feel better than walking into an area that feels foreign to you.
ZYX responded on 09 Aug 2010 at 7:00 pm #
That stationer sounds infuriating. Had that happened to me, I’d probably tear the lady’s ear off and found a different one or done something myself or something, but that’s just me… I don’t know how to pick my battles. XD And perhaps a bit too young to understand the stresses behind wedding preparation… but good on ya for knowing what you want and standing up for that!
I have scoliosis, which if you didn’t know means my spine is curved and twisted. It’s very faint, not enough to be too too troubling, but my abdomen will probably never look normal. My left hip is very curvy compared to my right, which doesn’t curve much at all. My ribs jut out on one side and are almost concave on the other.
It’s weird, and freaks some people out if I point it out to them, but whatever. It’s who I am, and I’m awesome.
San D responded on 09 Aug 2010 at 8:37 pm #
I think everyone’s idea of “matching” is different. What “works” for one person, may not “work” for another. It’s what I call the internal “tuning fork”. You know what “works” by your internal “tuning fork”. Try on a dress that you love, and you will hear the tuning fork hummmmmmm, same for wedding invitations. Your stationary person’s, as well as your mother’s “tuning forks” were in synch but they called you because somehow they knew you would have a different reaction. Or else why call? If you truly wanted a certain look for the invitations you would have designed them with the stationary person yourself. Perhaps you did, and she was just making sure you were sure about your decisions. For my wedding many moons ago, we hand block printed our invitations. My husband did the inside of the invitation and I did the outside print. Too different images for one important day. Fortunately we didn’t have to print too many, it was immediate family only.
Kate responded on 09 Aug 2010 at 9:54 pm #
@Noel
I agree! I was heading in that direction, too, originally. The wedding invitations I’ve seen have tended to look pretentious and silly to me. Which is not to say that there’s no value in being a little pretentious occasionally in order to make something feel special or formal, but I’m not into it in this particular case. Oh well….
Kate responded on 09 Aug 2010 at 10:00 pm #
@B
Good points. That ship has sailed, and I can definitely let it go. But it made too good a post not to write about 🙂
A wedding, it turns out, is all about negotiation and compromise. My wedding will probably end up having plenty of very personal (and messy touches), and a lot of other stuff that isn’t like me at all. Sometimes I’m frustrated by how little like me it feels. Sometimes I realize that that’s really not the end of the world. And that it’ll be amazing anyway, because I’m marrying the man I love. The crazy part is how the “marrying the man I love” bit can disappear sometimes under heaps of ribbons and flowers and floating candles and navy-bordered invitations. But on the actual day, it’ll be right there in front of me, and the navy border will be a thing of the ancient past.
Wei-Wei responded on 09 Aug 2010 at 11:25 pm #
I’m going to be frustratingly mainstream here, in opposition to what most people are saying here, and I’m going to say: I like to match. True story.
Wei-Wei
Kim responded on 10 Aug 2010 at 12:29 am #
Yeah I had this at my wedding too. My problem was the bridesmaids dresses. I sent them a general color to go for and told them to just buy something close. I didn’t care if they were exactly the Same shade of purple from the Same dress company. You would not believe how many people said….you mean they’re all not the exact same color???? I thought the photographer was going to faint.
But to this day when my wedding is brought up somebody amongst my friends and family manages to say something like… “Well they all had colors that were a little bit different, but it wasn’t too bad.”
IvyP responded on 10 Aug 2010 at 2:53 pm #
Privilege, privilege, privilege. Poor you, going to such lengths to be non-comformist in your wedding. I can just hear you stamping your foot, “But, Stationer, I are totes diff than all those boorrrinngg conformist brides. I want a photocopied drawing!” You made this choice, you decided how you want to get married. You know who has stationers? Overpriced stores that cater to brides, that’s who. All this wedding drama makes me LOL. It’s like the people you see in the airport recounting every single second of their airport drama; not germane to anything and they will end up at their destination eventually. This post emenates that fake “oh noes” drama in dramatic situations when the person is loving the drama and all the problems, but is so above it all.
Kate responded on 10 Aug 2010 at 2:58 pm #
@IvyP
No one is forcing you to read my blog. But oy vey, seriously? I love how you took the time to write this huge comment.
Go somewhere else and read bitter, real world, “underprivileged” stuff that you can comment on in solidarity.
Cindy responded on 10 Aug 2010 at 3:51 pm #
It’s YOUR wedding chickpea…for crying out loud. Do what you want!
I like to match and some days not at all.
I am all over the place and I finally embraced it! it’s a mood thing.
before you know it, you’ll be married and all this wedding craziness will be behind you and your wonderful married life will begin!
xo
Bev Owens responded on 10 Aug 2010 at 5:08 pm #
I think that perhaps I would have fired the stationer and hired one that listened to their customer’s wishes. It is after all, your wedding and all things in it should reflect you as the Bride.
Not wanting everything to match is a reflection of your personality…and isn’t that the point of the selection?
The stationer could have easily picked a color from the hydrangea and a green from it’s leaves and made two borders to frame the invitation out of those colors. And who says you HAVE to have a double border?
They sound like they will be lovely…even if you were forced to make them match.
Rebecca responded on 10 Aug 2010 at 7:16 pm #
Kate-girl,
have you browsed through offbeatbride.com?
It may make you feel a whoooole lot better about wanting your wedding to look and feel like YOU, instead of someone else.
I’m sure your invites will look awesome. 🙂
ps (seriously, if a vendor isn’t willing to work with you, find someone else–it’s not worth the headache…)
Emily responded on 11 Aug 2010 at 1:11 am #
I agree with rebecca. The woman should have just given you what you wanted. It’s your wedding! What does she care?
Liz responded on 14 Aug 2010 at 9:02 am #
The stationer? that would be me. I have to match. I don’t have a choice. there is something wrong with my brain. seriously. its like synesthesia or something. it *hurts* when things don’t match. I get distressed and anxious. a form of OCD perhaps?
my wedding was incredibly offbeat, and I surrendered a lot of control, telling the bridesmaids they could wear whatever they wanted, for example, but the parts I did matched. I made my own invites out of non-wedding stationary. I was so relieved when i found the paper, because DH and I are so different. “Princess Di meets Willie Nelson,” as my SIL put it. It was of a woodland meadow, and as we were having an outdoor wedding, it was perfect.
DH told me he was wearing shorts and a t-shirt, but he surprised me in a vintage dove-grey tux. no shoes, though. he also surprised me by having the entire wedding party in costumes! much cloak and dagger. everybody knew how obsessed I was about matching, and were afraid i would be upset. but when I saw them standing there, I started laughing so hard I could hardly stand up. it completely relaxed me and i had a ball during the ceremony.
I get a lot of compliments on how “put together” I look. but packing is an absolute nightmare. it typically takes me 18 hours to pack. ugh! people think its about control, but its really about minimizing the distress of “disharmony.”
Basket Center Blog responded on 05 Oct 2010 at 6:43 pm #
Tiger Reserve Block Printed Table…
[…] ngeas in the corner of the invitations. And the stamp on the envelope will also […]…
merrypranxter responded on 23 Jan 2011 at 12:14 am #
ha! it’s funny i found this! I’m a graphic designer. I spend my 8-5 mon-fri time doing exactly what that poor girl on the phone was doing – trying to make sure everything matches for my company & clients, that colors are in sync, & nothing is out of line. Because, professionally speaking, at least in my experience thus far… that is what is expected of you! if my boss said “yeah… i decided i dont’ care if the type colors on the catalog match. Let’s make the descriptions green, & the headers, oh… say, hot pink. just do it” i would be confused as hell & think he was absolutely insane. But in my personal life i HATE HATE HATE organized, in synch, boring colors & straight lines! i found this post bc i decided i don’t want my wedding to have a color scheme…. or i do… but i want it to be “all bright colors in every shade possible!”… a celebration of color! however, unlike your stationer, when i do come across the rare freelance client that decides to play outside the box with their design i love it! that’s when i really get to do my thing. here is to disorganization, chaos, mismatched colors & going with the flow! I’m tired of seeing everything just “so-so”. “Perfection” is boring.
Eat the Damn Cake » The $2,000 upholstered headboard, and other frighteningly vivid design fantasies responded on 20 Jul 2011 at 11:43 am #
[…] I find myself fantasizing about color combinations. The turquoise rug will go in the bedroom, under a plush white bed with a few gold and turquoise […]