I Have A Lot to Learn From My Chubby Arms
I was brushing my teeth, and looking in the mirror, and the fat on my arm jiggled. It jiggled!
It hit me then. Not the arm fat itself, but the realization that my arms were fat. That they were unacceptably, abnormally, suddenly fat. And what was the worst part: they were fat in a way that didn’t match the rest of my body. In photos that cut off just below the shoulders they made a convincing argument that I probably weighed about 200 pounds, even though the body below was pretty small in real life. They were out to get me. They were going to destroy my wedding, which prominently features a strapless gown. There was a possibility that they would destroy my life. And I had no idea how this had happened.
I got a couple free personal training sessions when I joined a local gym. I asked the trainer, “What can I do about my arms?”
She said, “Well, there are a lot of exercises that will tone them.”
“Will they look really different?”
She laughed. “No. To do that you have to modify your caloric intake.”
Oh. Eat a lot less.
In that moment, suddenly desperate, with my wedding in a few months, I decided to stop eating. OK, not stop eating completely. But stop eating bread. And carbs. And start counting calories. I would develop self-control. I would snack on carrot sticks and go running every day and show my unruly, rebellious arms who was boss. I would lose ten pounds, and be lean and graceful and fierce. I’d have cheekbones.
Amazingly enough, maybe, I’d never thought like that before. I’ve never been on a diet. I’ve never refrained from eating bread. I’ve tried to eat more vegetables, certainly. In fact, I cook almost exclusively with meats and vegetables (my fiancé is diabetic). I grew up in a household where we ate vegetables we’d picked from the local farm and meat from our friend’s cattle farm, and cheese and snacks from an organic co-op. Our ketchup didn’t have preservatives. It was brown. When I saw red ketchup for the first time, I thought it was both absurd and almost beautiful.
(way too red. source here)
Anyway, I’ve always been pretty healthy about food. Until my arms ambushed me with their chubbiness, and I was forced to take drastic action.
I stopped eating bread for about a week. Interestingly, no one noticed. It’s pretty easy not to eat carbs. Except for how delicious they are, and how badly I wanted them.
And then, one fateful day, I happened upon a photo of myself from several years back. It was on my mother’s desk. I was home for the weekend. I was standing there in the photo, nineteen years old, in a dress, with my short hair, and my arms— my arms were chubby. Just as chubby as they are now, really. Just as chubby, I suddenly realized, as they’d been for a long time. Even when I had no belly at all, and definitely not the slightest hint of breasts, my arms were going strong. They were bold and assertive and sure of themselves.
The strange thing was that I’d somehow forgotten. I’d forgotten that that is how my body is. I’d reacted to my body like a rude stranger. I’d failed to recognize its familiar quirks, as though I’d lost my memory of myself.
I made myself a sandwich immediately. I couldn’t believe I’d thought about giving them up. Sandwiches are by far my favorite food. Even more than cake. What had come over me?
I still don’t know. It has something to do with Manhattan. And something to do with getting married. And something to do with all the rules for bodies. If you’re going to be thin, then you better be thin all over. Except possibly for your breasts. If you’re going to be heavy, then you better make sure that weight is distributed correctly, so that not too much of it is in your waist, or your arms. If you’re going to have a big nose, than at least have great hair. If you’re going to be flat-chested, then at least have skinny arms. I’m sure someone’s written them all down somewhere. But even if they haven’t, I know them by heart.
But my body doesn’t care. It has a mind of its own. It knows exactly what it wants to look like. And I think that I’m just going to let it go ahead and do its thing. It’s definitely not going to prevent me from brushing my teeth regularly.
(look at it. beckoning… image source here)
* * * * *
Un-roast: Today I love the way my hair and eyes kind of match. I know the last post was about how much I don’t like matching. But the world’s a complex place, full of contradictions.
Some un-roasts from you guys:
Caronae: My shoulders are strong and smooth. A little wide, but very defined and still feminine.
Becky: Today I love my hair. I was uptight about my hair for years, but I’m starting to realize that it actually looks better when it’s not perfectly done.
Cassie: I love the funky stage I’m in right now. I never rebelled as a teen, but now at age 24 I’m married and have a tattoo and pink hair. It rocks!
* * * *
P.S. Send me photos of yourself eating cake for the new cake gallery!
P.P.S. Thanks to Shelby Knox for a fabulous feminist breakfast at the Popover Cafe (Amsterdam and 87th. So good. Popovers as big as your head).
P.P.P.S What? These things are great! Thanks to San D for this piece in the NY Times about how good ugliness is for society. Sweet.
Kate on August 11th 2010 in Uncategorized
Samantha Angela @ Bikini Birthday responded on 11 Aug 2010 at 3:04 pm #
My arms are big too. I nodded my head at the statement about looking 200lb in a photo from the shoulders up. But my arms are really really strong. You would think that with all my hard work weightlifting that they would look all muscly and tough even when they lie limp at my sides. But nope. They look fat.
I love my arms even though they look fat because I know that, when I flex them, they are fierce.
Cindy responded on 11 Aug 2010 at 3:18 pm #
I love this Kate. I love how you went from desparately trying to fit into the “wedding” mold and than realizing you are who you’ve always been…
amazing Kate!
I am so in love with the notion that you realized this, made a sandwich and decided right than and there to just be YOU.
good for you!
xoxoxo
Emily responded on 11 Aug 2010 at 9:43 pm #
omg.. popovers are the most delicious food ever. i am definitely trying that place when i come into the city for your wedding.
Wei-Wei responded on 11 Aug 2010 at 11:34 pm #
I’m bottom-heavy. I have a completely flat chest, which is emphasising my sick, puffy, bloaty stomach right now (I really am sick). I have undefined arms. I have chunky legs compared to my upper body. If you saw me, you might not think any of these things are true (except for the flat chest) but it’s how I see myself because of the standards I have set. Why do these standards exist? They didn’t used to. I always used to have a chunky lower body when compared to my torso. I’ve never had any chest (well, I did, until I lost it when I lost a ridiculous amount of weight. Which I have no intent of doing again.) But the bottom line is, I just don’t understand why my body isn’t acceptable anymore when it was merely a few years ago.
Wei-Wei
Today, I love my wrist. The bone used to stick out like… a bone sticking out. But now not so much anymore. That’s a sign of HEALTH, not fatness.
Holly responded on 12 Aug 2010 at 12:17 am #
I GET this! During my body-unhappy times, I’ve always zeroed in on my waist. The other day, I saw a picture of myself when I was sixteen or seventeen and pretty thin. And my torso was the same shape then, a relatively straight line from between my hips and my ribs. Amazing. Case closed.
eatmovelove responded on 12 Aug 2010 at 9:43 am #
Wow. This is great insight. I love how you went back to that photo and came to your senses girl!! Don’t think of them as jiggly, think of them as strong.
I hate my stomach. Bloated and blah. But I have to get over it. It can consume you.
Jess responded on 12 Aug 2010 at 3:14 pm #
Thank you for this post (for all of your posts, really). I too am getting married this fall and have plenty of complexes about my arms, legs, etc, but especially the bags under my eyes; I always joke that they could count as my carry ons when I fly! All of these personal criticisims are such a damn waste of time.
Love the blog, love cake.
JStolk responded on 15 Aug 2010 at 1:11 am #
I love, love, LOVE this. I just got married today and for months I’ve had people tell me I shouldn’t eat this or I should do that so I could “look slim” in my dress. I ignored them all and continued to eat the way I normally do, stayed the same weight & I looked and felt beautiful. Don’t let people get into your head, it’s the fastest way to ruin your special day.
Today I love every inch of me. I looked and felt beautiful on the best day of my life with out having to starve and torture myself.
Jen responded on 16 Aug 2010 at 2:12 pm #
haha!!! I know exactly what you mean. The same thing happens to me when I brush my teeth. And I love that you started the post like that. You’re hilarious.
Rebecca responded on 17 Aug 2010 at 5:00 am #
Oh, my cow.
I know *exactly* what you’re talking about! I always feel like my upper arms could feed a family of six, and it makes me INSANE.
Like Samantha Angela,
all the strength training in the world ain’t going to make them look that different–they’re just…big.
Some days,
they don’t bother me.
When I flex in the mirror,
they don’t bother me.
But in photos and in certain shirts,
ohhhh, they are the bane of my existence.
Like Manhattan, California has similar crazy-pants “rules” about bodily beauty (tits on a stick, anyone?), and my body? Won’t listen.
I’m so awed by the fact that you are learning to be okay with who your body is. You inspire me to be more okay with mine.
Thanks, girl.
unroast: (today, i love my feet and ankles–i have a perfect dancer’s arch, and recently got a sweet li’l pedicure to make my tootsies gleam)
aj responded on 28 Sep 2010 at 2:38 pm #
I love this! I have struggled with weight over the years, nothing major, between 10-30 lbs from my absolute ideal weight, but every pounds seems like a big deal on my 5’3″ frame. I had a “skinny summer” about two years ago, when I was about 15lbs thinner than what I am now, and I didn’t even realize it! I look back at pictures and realize that I was doing a great job and looked healthy, fit and confident. I didn’t realize it then because I was obsessing about looking like someone I’m not. The “aha” moment for me came when I realized that no matter how much weight I gain or lose, I will always look like ME. I will always have a little more in the tummy, but my legs to get toned quicker than most people. I need to embrace the positives and even things society might tell me are negative.
Eat the Damn Cake » I don’t care enough to hate myself enough to change myself responded on 07 Jul 2011 at 1:41 pm #
[…] is that possible? I write about body image nearly every day. I whine about my arms being chubby and my stomach sticking out. I freak out slightly about putting on a bikini. I put the bikini on and […]
Eat the Damn Cake » Little Victories: tank top responded on 15 Mar 2012 at 1:03 pm #
[…] love sleeveless dresses. I love clothing that exposes the arms. But I have been trying to avoid it. It’s been a gradual process. At first, I wasn’t so careful about it, and then I saw a couple pictures, which had, it […]
Ayah responded on 16 Mar 2012 at 12:24 pm #
Oh my, I love you, I really do. For years people have called me fat, and Ive believed them. Until I became fat, then I started to refuse that I was fat. I then looked at pictues of myself younger, and I realized, you know what?? I was NOT FAT!! But its too late now, Ive become VERY FAT, but you know what I realized? Fat comes and goes, but its your character and personality that stays, and thats what people remember, and thats what is important!! Good luck