Get over yourself and just be hot
Beauty is only skin deep. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, anyway. Forget about all those other eyes. It’s not a big deal. If you think too much about how you look then you’re insecure, and vain, and petty. If you complain about unattainable beauty standards then you’re probably just ugly and jealous. If you don’t wear makeup then you don’t look professional. Get over yourself. They’re just ads. Those are models, we’re real women. It’s like when a bunch of people get shot in the head in an action film. It’s just a movie. If you get upset about that it’s because you’re too serious. That’s how billboards and commercials work. Don’t compare yourself to that—only an idiot would. Everyone knows they’re airbrushed. But buy the firming cream, just in case it actually works. You don’t want to look old. You don’t want to have cankles. God, no. Breast implants are OK. You’re supposed to disapprove of them, so make fun of the women who get them. But come on, they make your breasts look better. Actually, say snide things about all of the women who get cosmetic surgery. They look like they’re made out of plastic, right? But think about it…A face lift is a good idea when you’re in your fifties…A little botox. No one has to know, and it makes a big difference. Be ashamed, but do it anyway. You’ll feel better after. Love your body. Be strong. Love yourself. You’re empowered. Be the real you. Be a better you. Be the you you know you are inside. But don’t even think about gaining weight.
(Botox. Ooohh….So soothing…Source)
I’m reading a book called The Beauty Bias (Times’ review here). It’s by a Stanford law professor named Deborah Rhode. I’m interviewing her next week, so I won’t give everything away yet, though you should probably read it at some point (starting in the next twenty minutes or so), because it makes several important arguments. She makes a case for appearance discrimination legislature. After all, women’s ability to get and keep jobs are intimately impacted by their looks. But my favorite point is part of the underlying structure of the project. It’s this simple thought: Beauty is not supposed to be a big deal, and yet appearance discrimination affects every woman, every day. We’re all getting the message about beauty loud and clear. And another message. And another message. And they don’t agree with each other. We’re supposed to feel powerful, but most of us feel terrible, apparently. Rhode’s cites surveys in which 90 percent of the participating women report that their appearances are important to their self-image. For a moment, reading that, I wanted to know all about that other ten percent. What are they like? Do they eat pizza all the time without any remorse whatsoever? Can I be friends with them? Would they even like me? But this was my favorite statistic: Over 50 percent of the young women respondents made it perfectly clear how catastrophic heaviness is. They said they’d rather get hit by a truck than be fat. Hit by a truck. A truck. The study didn’t specify what type of truck. A pickup? A Mac? Monster? Fisher Price? Even the last one might hurt, if an especially hearty toddler was peddling it.
(no thanks. Source)
I know a guy who was hit by a truck and lived to tell the tale. It took him a very long time to recover, and I should ask him if, having had the experience, he’d rather get fat than do it again. Of course, his answer wouldn’t count, because he’s not a young woman. That seems fairly obvious to me, and the fact that it’s fairly obvious says a lot about how gendered appearance issues are.
One of the biggest problems with beauty bias is that we’re supposed to pretend it doesn’t exist. And we do a pretty good job of it. We’re taught to feel guilty when we notice. To feel like it’s a personal, individual problem, rather than a social sickness. If the model on the cover of Cosmo makes us feel a little bit worse about the lines on our faces or the lumpiness of our bodies, then that’s our fault for not being able to tell the critical difference between fantasy and reality. And for being too serious. And too sensitive. And for not buying the right cosmetics. Because, really, we should be quietly making a serious effort to look a lot more like her.
* * * *
Un-roast: Today I love how awkward I look in a wedding gown. Sometimes my awkwardness is really cute. In an awkward way.
P.S. The italics in the first paragraph were supposed to denote an inner voice. Not sure it worked.
Kate on September 30th 2010 in Uncategorized
Holly responded on 01 Oct 2010 at 1:41 am #
SPOT
on!
Wei-Wei responded on 01 Oct 2010 at 2:52 am #
I think it did work – it worked for me, anyway. I think a lot of us have paradoxical thoughts sometimes. I hate how society and other people are always sending us mixed messages. “You look fine the way you are, honey, but such-and-such would make you look so much better!” No. Just, no.
poet responded on 01 Oct 2010 at 4:12 am #
This is another really good post. I might have to reference it in my post later today… been thinking about our self-perception of beauty, and this fits right in.
Cheers,
poet
Amelia Jane responded on 01 Oct 2010 at 5:19 am #
50%? HIT BY A TRUCK? Over being fat? Woah.
Does the study specifiy how fat ‘fat’ is? Like, what is the tipping point between being moderately ‘over’-weight (perhaps only enough to warrant being nudged gently with a Mini) and out-and-out ‘MONSTER TRUCK RALLY MY SHAMEFUL SELF RIGHT NOW’?
‘Fat’ seems like such a bogeyman in the corner. We’re all afraid of it, but what does it really look like? Do most women who worry about weight not already think that they are too fat?
I read the first paragraph as the insidious voice of advertising. It’s pretty much what I hear when I see adverts implying that my skin has PROBLEMS which need SOLVING, and if I don’t make an effort to SOLVE these PROBLEMS then I am just letting down the whole human race. Don’t you KNOW that we EVOLVED to be PROBLEM SOLVERS?! It’s not BEAUTY we care about, lady, it’s YOU. And the PROBLEMS that your skin has. We just want to HELP! You ungrateful, wrinkly, spotty bitch. C’mon…Just a little anti-aging cream? How will it hurt? (And so on.)
Ellie Di responded on 01 Oct 2010 at 7:16 am #
I’m working very hard to be in that 10%. I definitely don’t fall in to the 50% who’d rather be hit by a truck (no thanks!), but I do feel the weight of the gaze of men, other women, and, sadly, myself. Workingworkingworking.
cyndie responded on 01 Oct 2010 at 7:37 am #
The only thing I can do is try to more content about my appearance and care less about how I think others perceive me.
Katie @ Health for the Whole Self responded on 01 Oct 2010 at 8:16 am #
I posted about this book today, too! (Although I didn’t go into the legislative stuff because I haven’t actually read the book yet, and I didn’t feel knowledgeable enough). So cool that you’re interviewing the author!
http://www.healthforthewholeself.com/2010/10/beauty-bias/
San D responded on 01 Oct 2010 at 8:46 am #
What’s cool about being in the 10% is that the other 90%, after checking each other out to see if the beauty “rules” have been followed as instructed, check YOU out with a kind of curiousity, envy, and sadness. Sometimes I think the sadness is for me, that I have somehow fallen off the rail, other times I think the sadness is for them, that they are locked in the train of social acceptance. I fit the profile of the UNBEAUTIFUL: old, fat, short, no makeup, slower in movement (read: no gym), thinning hair. I am happy and richer for it.
Jewel of Toronto responded on 01 Oct 2010 at 9:09 am #
I will never forget one time at a party in university a young man told me “you could be really pretty but…” and I laughed and laughed because the funny thing was I actually think he thought he was giving me a compliment!
Unroast: I love my tits and I always have.
Virginia responded on 01 Oct 2010 at 9:43 am #
AHHH. KATE. This is so good. I really love your point about how we make this whole thing such an individual issue; the “I feel bad about my neck” school of thought that says the way you feel about your body is completely personal and self-created, and if only you were smarter, you could withstand the pressure of media depictions, advertising, etc.
It IS a social sickness and it does have serious consequences on women’s lives — and we need to treat it like a political issue, not a personal one. Nicely done! (I have this book on my nightstand, can’t wait to read it! And read your interview with the author, so cool!)
Cindy responded on 01 Oct 2010 at 11:20 am #
GAWD I love your posts!
Thanks. I don’t even have words… but this “Over 50 percent of the young women respondents made it perfectly clear how catastrophic heaviness is. They said they’d rather get hit by a truck than be fat.”
is insane and I bet true! nothing derails me faster than a couple extra pounds in the wrong direction!
makeup and fashion…not so much!
can’t wait for your interview!!!
xo
Gaby responded on 01 Oct 2010 at 6:17 pm #
Brilliantly stated as always Kate! I know you don’t consider yourself in that 10%, and well, you’re probably not, I think they made up the 10 % honestly, but anyways, I still consider you to be much much smarter and self aware than most and want to be your friend! I agree that something a little more extreme needs to be done about all these mixed messages. Being in our own heads is conflicting enough. At least for me. I probably have about 5 different people living inside my head at any given moment and all they do is argue.
Also, did you hear the study that said I don’t remember what majority percentage of women interviewed would give up sex for the rest of their lives in exchange for losing 10 lbs. WHAT???? The worst was when I brought it up with some girlfriends expecting everyone to be as outraged as I was, yet instead I got some eeeh’s, and well….. and but…. and a general understanding of how these women must feel and backed it up with arguments like if these women are obese they probably don’t have the self confidence or desire to have sex anyways, or maybe if they’re morbidly obese, etc etc…and I was like NO NO NO, we’re not talking health, obesity, self esteem, or anything, this is 10 pounds! You could lose 10 lbs having a lot of sex!
unroast: I found out I’m a pretty good yoga teacher this week! I also make really cute baby shower cakes even though I have no training for that and my icing was too runny. Pictures will be posted on facebook soon 🙂
Angela Jones responded on 03 Oct 2010 at 2:00 pm #
Hello Kate, Thank you for this post! I was just recently taken off of the board at one of my agencies, I was not informed they were going to do this, I called them and they told me that if I got a boob job or gained 20 pounds I would get work, but no one is interested in me as I am. Now, it really hurt me at first, but now it just fuels my passion behind our message. I feel if we all stick together and promote self love, healthy living, and that diversity needs to be represented, we can make a change. We need to all stick together!
B.T. responded on 03 Oct 2010 at 7:17 pm #
We need to pay a lot more attention to advertising. How could it NOT influence the way we think?
Good post!
Kate responded on 03 Oct 2010 at 7:19 pm #
@Angela
Oh no!!! I’m so sorry to hear that. I can’t believe they can just tell you to get breast implants. That’s sort of despicable.
MWN responded on 03 Oct 2010 at 7:56 pm #
Wow, Kate, so powerful.
Louise responded on 04 Oct 2010 at 1:52 am #
As a brand new reader (can i say YAY to having found this?), what a fabulous piece to start on.
I am about to lose a whole day (happily) reading backwards thru this blog.
What you have written is so disturbingly true…
I also plan to have an un-roast moment everyday!
Thank you 🙂
Mary responded on 04 Oct 2010 at 9:50 am #
Today I got your blog in my email and the first thing I did was run and get ready right today…I have been trying to “not care” and it’s a big lie. I totally care. I feel like caring is ok though.
I read a quote the other day that said, “The mark of an intelligent (mind) is being able to hold two opposing ideas together at the same time.” (Thats as close as I’ll get to getting that right, lol) Anyway, my point is, you have to make an effort to look good because if you don’t you’ll be miserable, it doesn’t mean you are all about the way you look, it means that you respect the fact that a nice appearance makes you easier to look at,(lol, don’t hate me) and that it’s better than trying to play it cool while you are HATING yourself.
Which I do sometimes, because I come from a family of beautiful women who aren’t scared of the attention, and dang it, I don’t want to be a wimp! You can be strong, smart, and gorgeous…right?
Aussie girl responded on 04 Oct 2010 at 9:51 pm #
Kate,
I came across your blog on the Mammamia site this morning and I’m so happy to find you! You speak so much truth and it’s equal parts comforting and empowering to know all the thoughts banging around in my head are not stupid, irrational or down right crazy, as they are shared by you and so many others. So thank you. I don’t care what you look like, you have a beautiful heart and mind and boy, can you write. I’m off to eat some cake 🙂
poet responded on 14 Oct 2010 at 4:00 am #
Oh hi, just stopping back to say I finally managed to write that post inspired in part by this discussion!
http://seamstress-stories.blogspot.com/2010/10/reflections.html
Cheers,
poet
Beauty is only skin deep. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, anyway. Forget about all those other eyes. It’s not a big deal. If you think too much about how you look then you’re insecure, and… | iMisty responded on 15 Jan 2012 at 6:07 am #
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