Eating a hamburger
(source)
I was walking down the street the other day. It was warmer than it is now, and some of the restaurants still had outdoor seating. A man and a woman, obviously on a date, sat at a little table, talking and laughing. On the woman’s plate was a bun. You know, a hamburger bun. It had once contained a hamburger, but she had eaten that part. Now only the husk remained, an emptied shell, like the one a hermit crab leaves behind. Or a cicada. Or the skin that a snake sheds. Or—OK. Anyway.
I looked at the empty bun, and I felt like I knew that woman. Or at least, I knew something important about her. I knew that she was finished eating. I could see where she’d picked at the edges of the bread, when she wasn’t paying attention. She was full, and in the distant back of her mind, she was a little proud of herself for resisting temptation. She didn’t want him to notice and say something, because she didn’t want to explain herself. It wasn’t even worth thinking about, let alone talking about, and she wouldn’t know what to say or have anything approaching an explanation. The real explanation was too enormous and constant and dark. You couldn’t look something like that in the face on a Sunday afternoon, on a date. Or even later, alone, eating breakfast the next morning.
Every time she didn’t eat the bun it was a tiny victory. She was winning against what her body might try to do to her. Just like she was winning when she could jog at 6 instead of 5.5, and then 7.2 instead of 6 at the gym. It wasn’t that she couldn’t eat the bun. She could. If he said something, maybe she would eat some more. Or if she was so happy that she didn’t care. But it was hard to be that happy. Even though she was having a good time, and he was handsome, and she felt lucky that he liked her as much as he obviously did, she would think about eating the bun, in the back of her mind, where thoughts that haven’t even congealed into thoughts yet lurk, and she would feel a niggling sense of guilt.
It’s the sort of thing you really can’t say to a stranger. Especially not when she’s on a date. Especially when you can hardly say it to yourself.
* * *
Un-roast: Today I love how compact I can make myself, when I curl up on the couch. I can feel really cozy, just from being with myself.
P.S. Check out the cake gallery for some great new pictures. A pair of friends sent me photos of themselves eating a cake they baked after their English teacher showed them this blog to “base a socratic off of.” I believe that the cake is dedicated to that teacher. I call the next cake, though. Thanks, English teacher! Thanks, awesome baker girls!
Kate on November 10th 2010 in Uncategorized
Laryssa responded on 10 Nov 2010 at 6:18 pm #
Yes, you hit the nail on the head.
Christin L. responded on 10 Nov 2010 at 6:43 pm #
I’m so happy I can eat the bun with the burger and enjoy it so, so much these days.
Kate responded on 10 Nov 2010 at 6:50 pm #
@Christin L
Way to go. And you also seem to have a healthy appetite for cake, based on the picture that is in the cake gallery now….. 🙂
Kerry responded on 10 Nov 2010 at 7:10 pm #
Wow. You have no idea how much this resonates with me.
My “bun” is desert or a drink at night during the work-week. In fact, I was just sitting here agonizing over whether to have on (ONE!) Christmas Ale which I’ve been excited about for weeks and my fiance and I finally picked up from the store yesterday. I want it, but I’ll be pissed in the morning that I couldn’t just do without.
Eff it. Thanks for this post. I’m going to have a beer.
Wei-Wei responded on 10 Nov 2010 at 7:13 pm #
I can’t even eat a burger yet… but I’m getting there. Hopefully. As soon as I beat the binging problem. Until then I think I’ll stick with eating intuitively. Which, unfortunately, means no burgers.
anna and the ring responded on 10 Nov 2010 at 11:17 pm #
Wow, this was me last thursday.
I just love the bun. Sometimes it’s the best part.
Rachel responded on 10 Nov 2010 at 11:55 pm #
I think there’s a danger in identifying with people we don’t know like this because we project our own perspective and issues on to them. Maybe the woman has a gluten allergy, maybe she’s diabetic or maybe she doesn’t really like buns. Maybe her concerns are about diet, but we can’t know that (and have no right to) but even if that’s true it doesn’t mean that she has all of those anxieties you described.
I have a habit of taking only a few bites of sandwiches before I disassemble them and eat the parts I liked best by themselves. It would bother me if I ever so someone looking sorry for me when I do so, or if I cane across a blog post like this that I thought might be about me.
Amy responded on 11 Nov 2010 at 8:09 am #
I read all of your posts, but I especially loved this one. Wow. Your writing is spectacular, and the emotion is phenomenal. Your point is clear: why, oh why must we spent so much time and headspace analyzing what we eat???
San D responded on 11 Nov 2010 at 8:36 am #
As someone who struggles with not only wolfing down my bun, but if you’re not going to eat YOUR bun, yours too, I have to tell you that it is a fight. The fight at my age has nothing to do with “looks”, but more to do with numbers. BMI, Triglycerides,BP,Cholestrol, and utimately, if not selective and careful, the numbers on the tombstone. My sister who over the years has lived her life NOT eating the bun, or the cake, or the…..(I digress), and has been 3 sizes smaller than I, now at our age, has the same numbers I have. So, in my mind, at least I got to taste it all. Now back to checking out the carb numbers in the sweet potato versus carrots…..
jean responded on 11 Nov 2010 at 10:25 am #
I agree with Rachel on this one. It doesn’t necessarily have to be as dark and deep as all that. I don’t eat the bun, either, unless it’s made of fancy artisan bread or perfectly toasted. Usually it’s kind of soggy and tasteless. I totally see the point you are making, and I have been in that deep, dark place, but I wouldn’t want strangers making assumptions about me based on what’s on my plate.
Dana Udall-Weiner responded on 11 Nov 2010 at 10:52 am #
“She was winning against what her body might try to do to her.” What a great line. I think it captures what many of us feel about our own bodies, that they might betray us at any time. In response to Rachel and Jean, I don’t think you are saying that every woman with a bun on her plate has an eating disorder or is in a dark place. Rather I see it as a way you’ve chosen to illustrate something about yourself, as well as something that applies to so many women in our culture. Although I should let you speak for yourself on this one.
Kate responded on 11 Nov 2010 at 11:08 am #
@Dana Udall-Weiner
Yup, that’s exactly right. Thanks for clarifying for me!
As a writer, I tend to get dramatic on little moments like that, because it gets a more powerful point across, and makes for a better story. But I’ve also occasionally not eaten a bun because it was gross, so I’m aware that there are a few other explanations out there 🙂
jean responded on 11 Nov 2010 at 11:21 am #
I see what you are saying, Dana. I guess I just feel that noticing what’s on someone’s plate and making assumptions, even in a general way or to make a larger point, contributes to the problem. When I’m at a restaurant, I know that what I order will be scrutinized. If I order a salad, people will assume I’m dieting. A burger and fries, people might wonder if I really need those extra calories. Ordering and eating food becomes tangled up with what other people will think. Next time I leave my bun on the plate, that decision will be weighted just a little bit more with what I already knew: yes, people notice that bun you left on the plate. Whether they feel sorry for you or think there’s something wrong with you, people noticed and passed judgment. And they would have noticed if you ate it, too. And they would have noticed if you ordered a salad instead….you see what I’m saying? Maybe the biggest favor you can do someone else is to not comment what’s on her plate, whether it’s a half-eaten tomato or a pile of doughnuts.
Rachel responded on 11 Nov 2010 at 11:37 am #
Kate,
What bothers me is the blurring between reality and fiction to make a better story. Yes you get your point across but you do so at the costs Jean describes. Why not be explicit about what this is and call it a short story? Why not tell it from the perspective of the woman who doesn’t eat the bun? That would mitigate the anxiety about judgment.
Kate responded on 11 Nov 2010 at 11:44 am #
@Rachel
First of all, it’s a fair guess. I’m willing to go out on a limb and make some guesses about people, rather than being cautious, timid, and totally PC about everything I write. I think it’s more interesting, more discussion-worthy, and more enjoyable to read. And yes, making things enjoyable to read is an important part of my project. I don’t claim to write a thoroughly researched, scientifically accurate blog. I’m not interested in “being explicit” about everything. And I don’t feel completely responsible for providing my readers with a perfect representation of reality. That’s incredibly tedious to do, and it’s not why I blog.
That said, I don’t think the points I made here belong in the realm of fiction.
lk responded on 11 Nov 2010 at 12:33 pm #
See – I just thought that maybe she was low-carbing it. 😉
I see both sides to this issue. I’ve been (am now!) in that deep, dark place. I’ve also been in the ‘f-it. I’m going to eat what I want and get as fat as I want place’. I’ve however never been in the ‘omg someone might notice what I’m doing with my food’ place. But, thanks to you all – I will be now! lol
Kate – don’t change a thing. Your writing is amazing and every post makes me feel like we’re similar people. I love the way you over analyze (me too) and make assumptions about others (me too).
— lk
rachel responded on 11 Nov 2010 at 12:34 pm #
I’m not saying you should try to represent the whole truth of things – I’m saying it’s impossible to know the what’s really going on.
I think it’s possible to write to about issues like this in ways that are engaging, interesting and enjoyable while still considering the implications of your words. I do think it’s your responsibility as a writer who is motivated to make women feel more comfortable (about issues like bodies and beauty), to acknowledge that you might have the opposite effect. The territory is fraught, but my point isn’t about being PC. My point is that you have a real audience.
Dana Udall-Weiner responded on 11 Nov 2010 at 2:02 pm #
This is a great discussion that brings up so many issues. I can relate to all of this first hand–I have recently written about my own struggles with food and body image. As a result, I’m aware that others will pay more attention to what I eat, and that my weight is more likely to be scrutinized. Also, I feel the tension between being a role model to my daughters (and my clients, as I’m a therapist who specializes in these issues), meaning that I want to empower women by talking and writing about what could be, but also speak the truth about what exists (and sometimes this truth is pretty disheartening). We can’t predict how others will respond to what we say or write, so sometimes we have to just write what we know, and let others be responsible for themselves. (God, I sound like such a therapist!)
Thanks for writing this post, Kate. I think it’s important, even if (or maybe because) it stirs things up.
maike responded on 11 Nov 2010 at 3:06 pm #
I think it is crazy how we fell the the need to “WIN” over our bodies..if we would listen to our bodies and reconnect with our needs and reconstruct that bad relationship with our instincts that sociaty has embraced us to destroy we could eat whatever..i should stop thinking about wanting to be skinny and replace it with i want to be HEALTHY! Love myselve and take healthy options..NOT to loose weight but to show myself what I´m worth and that I LOVE myself..today I read a great quote ” Questioning my beauty is questioning God” and i am not tied to a certain religion..but o DO belive in God whatever that stands for independent for eacho of you out there I think we can all realate! Great blog!!!
Just Josie responded on 16 Nov 2010 at 8:07 pm #
This is a very interesting post, and I think you make a lot of compelling points (sadly :[); however, if that were me, I wouldn’t be eating the bun because I’m vegan. But the bun is a symbol, isn’t it? In which case I definitely understand. I used to have this issue where I couldn’t stand eating in front of people, right — well, specifically, people of the opposite sex. Well, I got over that, and I would just chow down with reckless abandon. It was so… liberating? Now that I’m in high school, I seem to have developed that issue once more. I’m really *not* hungry at lunch time, though, and I’m too lazy to pack a lunch, but still, I know that people look at me and go, “God, she must be anorexic, she never eats, that’s how the bitch stays so skinny.” Which really hurts, assumptions like that. It makes you even MORE self-conscious to eat in front of others. The truth of the matter is that I DO eat rather a lot, though.
I was browsing through your blog yesterday and another of your posts really resonated with me; I’m trying to recall which it was. I think it was “I Used to Be a Skinny Person” or something to that effect? I have always be really thin. Like, underweight, according to BMI (although I would be inclined to believe that BMI is hardly a totally accurate barometer of such matters). It wasn’t that I tried to be so skinny, I’ve just always had a really fast metabolism! And so I never understood what the girls who think they’re fat meant when they would tell me I’m so lucky and so tiny and all that hoopla. To be entirely honest, it just kind of squicked me out. But then I gained a little weight — hardly any, really, just a few pounds, and I started to freak out. It might be due in part to the fact that people are always commenting on my thinness, which adds even more pressure, or to the fact that my mother makes snipey comments about my “fat ass” (“It was just a joke!”) and how “you don’t really need another cookie”, or that my gramma called me fat. I don’t know. But I was determined to lose that weight. And I didn’t, of course. Mostly I was just really angry at myself, not for gaining the weight, but for freaking out over it! Like you mentioned in that post, I don’t notice the size of other women; I’m blind like that when it comes to beauty. But what I was pissed about is that at 15 years old, I’m still GROWING obviously, and I’m 5′ 3″ and 107 lb, and I believe I’m fat. I live in a society that has programmed me to believing that I’m fat and that all weight gain is awful and must be immediately reversed. And the worst part? That’s two pounds over what I really weight (the scale is off) and even so, that means I had only gained FOUR pounds. I hate me some days.
I feel like I should do an un-roast now, to balance out that negativity? Can I? ‘Kay, so… I kinda love that I have titanium steel rods fused to my spinal column. They keep my internal organs from being punctured and they are a unique thing to have inside of you! Also, I love the way my hair kinks and frizzes when I go to school with it the same when I went to bed. 🙂
I love this blog.
Liz responded on 11 Dec 2010 at 8:19 pm #
I am feeling so lost with food right now. And exercise.
Today, I said I wished I could exercise 24/7 and not eat. And I’m serious. Eating makes me panic, because I want to burn off the calories and fat immediately.
I’m not anorexic, because I eat, usually a good amount (or too much). I’m not bulimic, because I can’t seem to make myself throw up after eating, despite trying. I am a disordered eater. Possibly an extreme one. And I feel like I have no support whatsoever and that I am just annoying friends and family when I complain about my body and what I put into it.
I feel lost and alone…which just plays on my eating issues all the more.
Kate responded on 12 Dec 2010 at 9:50 pm #
@Liz
Thanks for leaving this comment. I’m writing you a personal email now. So so sorry you’re dealing with this.
Eat the Damn Cake » Guilty responded on 06 Jan 2011 at 12:35 pm #
[…] that you finally start burning calories for REAL. Or something). The cosmos is very clear about cheeseburgers and treadmills and how the former cannot be permitted to exist without the latter. It’s […]
Corny responded on 17 Jan 2011 at 8:12 pm #
Very eloquent.
Damn it, I’m going to eat something GOOD for lunch tomorrow. Screw my lunch table. I’m not a bird.