Taking off the diamond
I have a beautiful engagement ring. It’s not from Tiffany, but it looks like it might be. It’s not the ring I pictured having, but I like it. I didn’t picture having a ring at all, until it became clear that Bear was going to propose. Mostly, it became clear because he said, “So if I asked you to marry me, would you say yes?” And I burst out laughing and said, “Of course I would!” And he sat there looking stunned and then said, “You would?” And then added, “Wait, that didn’t count. I’m going to do it for real.”
When it became clear that he was going to do it for real, I called my best friend Emily and we talked rings. She even sketched some for me. We agreed on one thing immediately: no diamonds. They weren’t my style. Way too fancy, the wrong look. We thought citrine would be better. I didn’t know what citrine was until we started looking online. I loved the color. A gentle shade between orange, brown, and yellow, that looked like it might be warm to the touch. We looked at rings that were interesting and creatively done.
(OK, that’s a little bigger than I was anticipating…source)
Other people I asked, including my mother, thought I should go classic. People said things like, “This is your chance to get a diamond.”
Everyone had a different opinion about the ring. I wasn’t sure what to do.
And then Bear asked me to marry him, and I wanted a ring immediately afterward, so that everyone would know. He rolled up a piece of paper and wrote, in pencil, “Diamond,” on the front. But I couldn’t really wear that out of the house. So the next day we bought a ring. I was surprised by what I chose. A totally simple solitaire setting. A round diamond. A yellow gold band. It was the most basic version of an engagement ring ever. At that point, I just wanted everyone who saw me to think, “She’s engaged.”
Which they did. And then they had to admire the ring and talk about it a lot. And I twisted it automatically around when I was walking home alone at night. When I was on the subway, sometimes. I found myself keeping my hand in my pocket. I somehow kept forgetting to put it on when I went out to run errands. Mom was horrified to see me idly playing with it and absentmindedly taking it off, setting it aside.
“What are you doing? Put that back on! You’ll lose it!”
She watched me fiddling with it. I was touching the face again, getting it dirty. I was bad at wearing a diamond. I felt proud to be engaged, and I loved my ring, but I felt self-conscious at the same time. It seemed too conspicuous, especially in areas where people couldn’t afford diamond rings.
We got plain gold wedding bands. So simple that they had to be ordered. There was nothing that basic in any of the stores. Yellow gold isn’t fashionable anymore.
The jeweler was concerned that the shades of the gold were off slightly. The band of my engagement ring was just a little brighter. “I don’t care,” I kept telling him. “Really. I promise. It doesn’t matter.” It wasn’t that I didn’t plan to wear them together. Of course I did.
Until we got married, when I realized that I didn’t have to wear both. The wedding band got the point across loud and clear. And no one in the world could find it pretentious.
Right after the wedding, people glanced instinctively at my hand. I held it up. They looked confused. They were searching for a diamond. They looked embarrassed. I think they were embarrassed for me, because I didn’t have one.
(That’s right. Only need one. Source)
I know there are a lot of women who wear their diamond to bed at night. Who haven’t taken it off in years and are a little offended at the thought. I salute them. I never got the hang of it. I kept reaching up to brush back a strand of hair and hitting myself in the face with the hardest natural substance on earth. I kept getting it caught on my sleeve when I put my knit shirt on. I kept thinking about it, all the time. I couldn’t forget it was there for a second. And while I never want to forget for a second that I’m married, I don’t really need a diamond to remind me.
It isn’t like I never wear it. If I’m dressing up, I definitely do. Or if I’m going home to see my parents. Or just when I feel like it. Because some days I do. I figure if you give someone a diamond, they should be able to do what they like with it. Which is exactly what I’m doing.
Thank you to Becca at A Los Angeles Love for writing so eloquently about her own engagement ring issues. She inspired this post.
* * * *
Un-roast: Today I love that my face is long. This is a hard thing to love. Often, I wish it was more heart shaped. Or rounder. Or with really broad, sweeping cheekbones. But today I like the oval length. It makes me look the slightest bit like a wolf. Maybe. And wolves are cool.
P.S. Emily is now engaged, and she has a beautiful gold ring with a citrine stone. I’d like to take at least partial credit. I love you, Emily!
Kate on November 11th 2010 in Uncategorized
Christin@purplebirdblog responded on 11 Nov 2010 at 8:21 pm #
When I got married when I was 20, the diamond was a huge deal to me. It had to be eyecatching and sparkly and huge… for all the wrong reasons. I am now in a much better relationship, and should we ever get married I would love an amethyst. Purple is my favorite color, and Alex and I both look dashing in purple. 🙂
Amy responded on 11 Nov 2010 at 8:27 pm #
When I got married, my husband-to-be and I found a beautiful, simple diamond. It has a bezel set, which means it’s completely surrounded by gold–nothing to catch on, no prongs to break. I wear that on my left hand. Then, because I could, I decided to wear my wedding band (engraved with the date and the word “honk” on both) on my right hand. I didn’t want things to be attached to my original, classic-looking engagement ring. Ironically, years later, we joined a church where it is customary to wear the wedding band on the right hand. Done!
Kate responded on 11 Nov 2010 at 8:34 pm #
@Christin
Go purple! That’s adorable.
@Amy
Someone was just telling me today about wearing a ring on each hand. I hadn’t even thought of that, honestly. Nicely done.
Ellie Di responded on 11 Nov 2010 at 9:08 pm #
The engagement ring I got wasn’t the one I wanted – it was everything I hate in jewelry. But it’s the one he proposed with, so it was special. We had a long talk about it, though, when I realized that he expected me to wear the complete three-ring set that was even more horrible than the individual parts. I told him, as gently as I could, that I would wear the engagement ring until we got married, and then I would just wear the band. I don’t like not being able to put my hand in my pocket. I don’t like bling. I don’t like yellow gold. My wedding band is made out of a 1936 Walking Liberty half dollar. I know I’m married, he knows I’m married, and everyone else can tell I’m married. I’ve never had anyone comment on the fact that I don’t have an engagement ring, much less a diamond.
If you don’t want to wear the diamond, don’t wear it. End of story. It’s about you, yanno?
JStolk responded on 11 Nov 2010 at 9:29 pm #
When my husband asked me to marry him he used a ring he found when he was a kid. When he found it he told his mom to hold it for his future wife, he was 7 at the time.
I love the ring even though it’s everything I thought I hated in jewelry (yellow gold, diamonds) but with it’s back story and the way he presented it made me fall in love with it. My mom complained that I should have asked for a traditional wedding set, with lots of diamonds and sparkle, but I love my plain gold band with one simple triangle shaped diamond.
In other words, go with what you love and what’s comfortable. If you like the sparkle and shine rock it, if you like a plain gold band, rock that.
Wei-Wei responded on 11 Nov 2010 at 9:47 pm #
I think there’s something about rings with a huge chunk sticking out that irks me. I used to wear a ring on my right pointer finger everyday; it was a big black button. I couldn’t stop playing with it with my thumb. I just think that it’s quite inconvenient to have anything so flashy…. I think I’d go with a very manly ring. Like a thick silver band.
Sarah responded on 11 Nov 2010 at 10:38 pm #
My husband got me a white gold engagement ring with a sapphire. It took him forever to find because it’s very simple and not very traditional. Jewellers were horrified that he was buying me an engagement ring that was neither yellow gold (which is still fashionable here in Oz) nor a diamond. They thought that he was mistaken when he said, “My girlfriend would be really angry if I bought her a diamond.” He did all of this without talking to me about what I wanted, and he was absolutely right. I love that he knew what to get me, and that he went to all of that effort. Now that we’re married, I wear it on my right hand. My wedding band is super simple white gold, and I love it. People are notably unimpressed by it, but I have delicate hands and it is delicate. I love that.
alexandria responded on 11 Nov 2010 at 11:17 pm #
i proposed to my husband, with matching stainless steel bands… so clearly, the diamond wasn’t important to me. 🙂 i’m allergic to pretty much everything so that really hinders me in the jewelry department. but i’m fine with stainless steel, so even my wedding band is stainless steel, with *gasp* cubic zirconia bands on each side. it’s pretty, i’m not allergic to it, and it was cheap (which is important when you’re paying for the wedding yourselves). i have gotten the pity looks; i even had a friend say to me, “well, at least your wedding band will have diamonds, right?!” and i didn’t even bother to tell her they’re not.
and, i feel like i would react similarly to you with a solitaire. i look at them and think, wouldn’t they get caught on everything?! i just… don’t like jewelry that gets in the way of my life.
Sally responded on 12 Nov 2010 at 8:35 am #
My husband never officially proposed me to me, it was more that we talked about wanting to get married to each other and then decided to make it official. We both got rings (we call his his mangagement ring). Our rings are both white gold with a single sapphire inlaid in the band – his is a wider band with a smaller stone and mine is a thinner band with a larger stone. When we got married we considered getting wedding bands but decided that we liked out engagement rings so much that we would just stick with those. I love my ring and have no regrets about “missing out” on a diamond.
adria responded on 12 Nov 2010 at 10:10 am #
i love my engagement ring, and i don’t yet officially have my wedding ring (though it’s sitting in our bedroom in a box waiting for our wedding day so it can be displayed to the public). they are a set and kind of match, but the band is minimal and not anything crazy, though still with diamonds.
a part of me wants a simple plain wedding band. nothing pretentious. just something to wear when i don’t want to have diamonds on my finger. another part of me wants as much sparkle as possible so people have to notice that i’m engaged/married and someone loves me a whole hell of a lot.
i’m just glad that there are options, when all is said and done – wear the wedding band, wear the engagement ring, wear them together or get something else entirely. do what works for you and your relationship.
(note: apracticalwedding.com had a post on the engagement ring just a few days ago that left me feeling confused/upset/angry/sad….i’m thankful that i read your post about the rings and how you wear them. very thankful.)
SR responded on 12 Nov 2010 at 10:36 am #
I wear my wedding band and engagement band together, but I take them off every night and put them back on in the morning. I never shower with them…I’m a little anal about keeping them as clean as I can, in retrospect. I have a blue saphire with a band that has diamonds on the white gold band for the engagement ring – and while no one gave us problems when we were making it, I have seen that some people can’t stop gushing over the uniqueness of the ring, while others are shocked that it is not a diamond. My wedding band is little diamonds and slightly lighter (but still blue) saphires, and I wear them together, because well….I love them. They are totally unique, and we put a lot of thought into what they look like. I like to have a certain style, and they fit into my style. I think the most important element of an engagement/wedding band is that you should like it enough to wear it everyday…..and we got a bargain on both rings, and I was happy about that. To have my husband spend too much money on the rings seem silly, it’s a recession, and we’ll need our money for other things. That’s just my two cents – but I think people’s reactions to a non-diamond ring is hilarious. If you think that’s the most important element of an engagement, you got some hard times ahead….
Kerry responded on 12 Nov 2010 at 11:08 am #
“I figure if you give someone a diamond, they should be able to do what they like with it.”
Yep, there you go. End of story. And that goes for anything else that you freely give someone. Let them love it the way they can love it.
San D responded on 12 Nov 2010 at 11:52 am #
We were too practical for an engagement ring, bought a new volkswagen for cash instead. As for wedding bands, I lost mine early on digging in the garden and never replaced it. I use my hands making art, and rings just get in the way. Though I do own a myriad of artisan rings that I wear when going out if the mood strikes. So, wear it, don’t wear it, but cherish it, because Bear gave it to you. You can always hang it around your neck, reset it, have a plexiglass box made for it and display it, put it in a safe, make a collage of wedding pictures add the ring and frame it, there’s so many ways to go with it. It’s yours, make it “yours”.
Barbara responded on 12 Nov 2010 at 6:26 pm #
When I got married in the 70’s, we did everything non-traditionally. We chose artisan hammered gold bands, a look I still love, and I chose a moonstone after considering a red-orange carnelian for the engagement ring. Now that I’m married a 2nd time, I totally love my diamond. I love the sparkle and the traditional look.
The point is your taste may change over the years, and you are entitled to like what you like, and change your mind, too. Every time I look at my hand, I am amazed by my diamond and think about how happy I am.
Kate responded on 12 Nov 2010 at 6:56 pm #
@Barbara
Love this 🙂
Ivy responded on 13 Nov 2010 at 2:45 pm #
My mom has an emerald. People have asked her why she didn’t make my Dad buy her a diamond at the time, or if he couldn’t afford it then, for an anniversary. Except she doesn’t like diamonds, emeralds are her favorite and the ring is perfect for her. It’s the only jewelry I really remember her wearing.
I’m not even dating, let alone close to being engaged, but I have an engagement ring. My grandmother left me her jewelry when she died, and that included her ring. It’s a tiny diamond (maybe 3/4 caret) set in a silver (or possibly platinum) band. It’s very small and delicate, and I’m sure would be sneered at by the get the huge shiny bling crowd. But if you asked me to imagine my ideal ring, this would be it; plus I love the history. My grandfather bought the ring in a pawn shop in London during WWII, because he met my grandmother when he was stationed there and she wasn’t going to get engaged without a ring, wartime or not. They had that kind of love that was intense and total–I could not picture them apart. When my grandmother went into a nursing home, my grandfather went and sat with her every single day, all day, because that was his wife and he wasn’t going to have her be alone. That kind of love seems so rare sometimes, and I don’t know if I’ll ever find it, but it’s what I see when I look at the ring. If I ever get married, it’s what I want to wear (if I should happen to marry a man) or give to my partner (if I should happen to marry a woman).
Kate responded on 14 Nov 2010 at 9:07 am #
When my husband and I married 8 years ago, I recieved a magnificent jewel that I will treasure forever. I also got a sparkly rock on a ring that I sometimes remember to wear, but often leave off because I am a massage therapy student & no one really wants me dragging my jewelry all over them. The real treasure is the one you married:)
Anna responded on 14 Nov 2010 at 11:57 am #
I think it’s so funny that your husband asked a tentative pre-proposal question because the same thing happened to me. My boyfriend admitted that he would be really nervous should he pop the question, and said that before he did, he would ask me beforehand. One might think it would ruin the surprise because I would know when it was coming, but no. Now he asks me regularly if I would marry him if he asked me to, and it’s becoming a running joke between us.
Noel responded on 14 Nov 2010 at 4:15 pm #
I’m so conflicted about diamonds and engagements and all the things associated with wedding hype. I’ve watched marriages dissolve and therefore know that they are no promise, no guarantee, of a happily ever after. But deep down inside, I still want one anyways … a diamond, that is. How $#@%ed up is that?
Carly responded on 14 Nov 2010 at 11:10 pm #
My ring is a wide textured yellow gold band with a yellow sapphire. My partner & I designed it ourselves; it’s very 1970s luxe glam, my favourite decade & style…. but not many people ‘get it’. Sometimes it bothers me because I hate feeling like I need to justify our choice.
Emily responded on 14 Nov 2010 at 11:23 pm #
yay! I love you too! and i super love my citrine ring. i think you must have put the idea in my head back then, although i am happy to say my ring looks nothing like the sketches for you 🙂
Tempest responded on 15 Nov 2010 at 1:15 pm #
My engagement ring is a faceted hematite stone in a simple silver setting, and my wedding band is lightly engraved simple white gold band. Been married over 14 years, so the facets are a bit worn on the hematite, but I still love it more than anything. We went for the metaphysical properties of the stone (grounding, fights against negativity) and its color more than anything else. I never take off my wedding band, but the engagement ring comes up with the other 10 rings I wear at night. And b/c I wear 11 rings and have always looked young for my age, it’s not exactly a clear sign that I’m married. But I’m not a diamond kinda girl.
Samantha Angela @ Bikini Birthday responded on 15 Nov 2010 at 2:57 pm #
I mentioned to my then boyfriend that I thought engagement rings were a waste of money, so I never got one when we did finally decide to get married.
People who I informed of my engagement always looked slightly embarrassed and presumably felt awkward when they shot their gaze like a bullet to my left hand searching for a ring that wasn’t there.
It actually made me feel pretentious not to have it. As if I were trying to subtly educate them that our love for each other didn’t manifest itself through jewellery.
Meghan responded on 16 Nov 2010 at 1:01 pm #
Yep. I just wear my titanium 25 dollar plain jane band. Much more me.
14k White Gold Triangle Citrine responded on 16 Nov 2010 at 3:36 pm #
[…] Eat the Damn Cake » Taking off the diamond We thought citrine would be better. I didn't know what citrine was until we started looking online. I loved the color. A gentle shade between orange, brown, and yellow, that looked like it might be warm to the touch. I have a blue saphire with a band that has diamonds on the white gold band for the engagement ring – and while no one gave us problems when we were making it, I have seen that some people can't stop gushing over the uniqueness of the ring, while others . […]
Photopoppy responded on 19 Nov 2010 at 12:49 pm #
The whole expectation part of engagement annoyed me so much, I determined to propose to my husband first, before he worked up the nerve to ask. Since I was the one asking, he got the ring. 🙂
We decided just to buy our wedding bands as engagement rings (we got mine a week or two later because he felt a little awkward about it), and had them cleaned and engraved with our initials and the wedding date just before the wedding. Black Hills Gold with the usual black lacquer and gold leaves.
I feel the same way as several commentors do about having the bulk of a solitaire and the worry about catching it on things. I’ve never liked diamonds much, anyway, and prefer to keep my sparkly jewels on my ears where they’re out of the way.
Melissa R responded on 20 Nov 2010 at 5:17 pm #
I am not a “jewerly” girl. My wedding ring and diamond are the only “real” stuff I own. They are simple. And, I don’t wear them at night. I can’t stand to. The diamond pokes me all the time. I take them off at night, and put them back on when I get dressed for the day. It works for me.
Jurong responded on 22 Nov 2010 at 11:00 am #
Where I’m from the traditional wedding ring is a plain solid gold ring. No stones, no fancy engravings, except the name and dates on the inside. That’s what my grandmothers, my mothers, my sister-inlaws wedding rings looks like, and that’s how my own will look like, some day 🙂
Diamonds are for other “statement-jewerly” that you’re able to take off and only wear when you want to.
Eat the Damn Cake » Expensive jewelry responded on 03 Jun 2011 at 10:56 am #
[…] My engagement ring has a diamond in it. So maybe I’m a hypocrite. I don’t have anything that matches it, so I wear gold hoops a lot. Or whatever. Or I take it off on the days when I think it looks a little silly. […]
Emmi responded on 03 Jun 2011 at 12:38 pm #
Perpetually late to the party!
I always wanted a solitaire diamond engagement ring in a white metal. I didn’t care if I got a real diamond – I told my better half that I’d tell everyone it was real no matter what, so go for glass. But it was important to him to get a real diamond, so I ended up with this tiny marquis-cut quarter carat diamond in white gold. I have tiny hands, so this worked out pretty splendidly.
Because of the tiny-hand issue, I knew that I wouldn’t be wearing the engagement ring and wedding band as a set. My mother ended up finding us the perfect wedding bands – titanium spinning rings engraved with a stylized dragon and phoenix. For $6 each, on ebay. Perfection!
I love my band so much I haven’t taken it off, even though I said when we got married that I’d probably wear the diamond on fancy occasions. Also, my mother (a certified diamontologist) gave me one of her old wedding sets with a humongous 3 carat oval diamond with tons of channel-set diamonds in it and in the accompanying band. I adore the set (though truthfully I am a bit frightened of the size, and the prospect of dripping with diamonds), but I can’t stand the thought of taking off the one that matches with my husband.
HappyReader responded on 07 Jun 2011 at 2:54 pm #
This article is the best. Just the best! A testament to why I love this blog 🙂