Mean People
This is a guest post. Liz is the first friend I made through blogging, back when Cake and Plus-Size Models Unite were both brand new tiny baby blogs. I wrote something about what she had written, and she wrote back to tell me very nicely that I was really wrong. I liked her immediately.
Liz Nord earned a Communications degree from Central Washington University, and completed graduate editing courses at the University of Washington. She is the writer and editor for Plus-Sized Models Unite, which has over 130,000 readers. Liz has published articles in a number of magazines, newspapers, and on numerous websites, most recently www.BellaMUMMA.com, www.bodymindsol.com, and www.solwalkling.com. She has been a guest on the Leeza Gibbons talk show, Hollywood Confidential, and serves on the Editing Certificate Advisory Board at the University of Washington. She is currently developing a parenting website for women who want to get the real scoop on parenting.
(She eats cupcakes)
Kate, Thank you for letting me guest post on Eat the Damn Cake. It’s an honor!
I am a mother of two daughters who are six and nine years old. I try my best to set a good example and teach them well. I hope that when my girls enter their teen years, they will still be kind to others and be prepared for mean people and weird situations. However, at their young ages they are already experiencing and observing unhealthy situations. It’s sometimes hard for me to comprehend what’s going on out there.
Here are a few examples:
—My shy second grade daughter said that two boys teased her at school because they didn’t think she deserved to be chosen for the Young Authors Program. They told her that they were smarter than she was, and that she just thinks she’s “hot”. She didn’t want to go to school for two weeks and she cried every day during those two weeks. She was so upset that she wouldn’t tell me, her father, or the teacher what happened for a week. We all tried everything we could think of to help her and to make her feel comfortable enough to open up to us, but she internalized her feelings. After she finally shared her story with me, I asked her why she didn’t feel comfortable talking to me sooner. She said that she was too embarrassed. This was a heart breaking time for us. I felt as though I failed as a mother. I felt like I didn’t help her develop enough confidence in herself and in us. We are working on it. I’m trying to be more assertive in hopes that I will set a better example.
—A friend told me that her first grade daughter was upset because a boy called her “fat”. The first grader told her mom that she was going to try to poop so that her stomach didn’t look as “poufy”.
–My daughters and I were out for dinner, and I overheard a little girl (she was probably ten or eleven) tell her grandparents “A boy called me fat today, but I told him that I’m just big-boned. I didn’t know what else to say when he kept calling me fat, so I just kept saying ‘no, I’m just big-boned.’”
–When my daughter was seven years old, she said, “Mom, I know that sometimes when a person is smiling and laughing, they are still being mean. They are just smiling and pretending to joke, to get away with what they are saying.”
–A mother told me that her fourth grade daughter came home and told her that her “best friend” said, “You don’t mind if I just call you ‘Fatty’ from now on, do you?”
–Some girls, all nine years old or younger, were setting up to play a pick-up soccer game and one of the girls was explaining how soccer is played. This is what she said, “Okay, this is how it works. You are on a diet and you don’t want to put food (soccer ball) in your mouth. You want to make the other girls eat it. So, what you do, is you put the food in her mouth (the other team’s goal) and don’t let it get in your mouth (their goal). That’s how this game is played.”
Sort of shocking, don’t you think? What is going on here? Is it the media, gossiping mothers setting poor examples, low self-esteem, lack of parental involvement, the societal pressures on girls and women to be a certain way—“perfect”, or is this a normal part of growing up?
When I was a kid, I remember a little bit of meanness with girls in 8th grade, but not at seven years old. The kids in the above examples haven’t even hit their teens, when the harsh bullying, teasing, judging, self-esteem, and body-image issues become more serious and complicated. When these girls become women, they will continue to deal with similar issues.
There will always be mean people. Unfortunately, that’s part the human condition. I don’t know what the solution is, but I do know that every one of us can make a difference every day. Our behaviors and words are setting an example for our children and friends. Kids may not seem to be listening to us, but they hear our messages loud and clear. If we are catty, act fake, and backstab other women, our children will think that is normal and okay. If we are loving, honest, respectful, and supportive to other women, our children will learn that is normal and good.
I don’t get it when women make snide remarks about each other, backstab, or say mean things to people while pretending they are just being humorous. Does it make them feel better about themselves? Do they feel more powerful and important? Do they feel a false inflation of self-esteem and confidence when they put someone down? It sure doesn’t look, sound, or feel confident, powerful, kind, loving, funny, or beautiful. Who wants to be a part of all that drama anyway? Life is already complicated enough as it is.
I’m not going to say that I’ve never made mistakes; I have. But my goal is to be loving, kind, honest, supportive, and compassionate. It feels so much better to be nice. A kind word goes a long way and a thoughtful gesture can make a huge difference in someone’s day, week, month, or year. Maybe part of the solution is just obvious – ignore the mean people and walk away. That’s not so easy to do if it’s your boss or a family member. How do you handle mean people? I don’t have all the answers, but I think it’s a topic worth discussing! What do you think?
* * *
My un-roast is that I am finally coming into my own. I can feel myself shifting. I own my thoughts, emotions, opinions, and preferences more than ever before. I’m making myself be heard without worrying about how other people will judge me.
P.S. Here is an article I wrote on How to Build Self-Esteem and Confidence by Elizabeth Nord. I wrote this with the help of therapist and Licensed Mental Health Counselor, Patricia Born, MS.
Kate on December 29th 2010 in Uncategorized
Christin@purplebirdblog responded on 29 Dec 2010 at 12:13 pm #
This is part of why I’m terrified to have children, especially daughters.
Stacey responded on 29 Dec 2010 at 1:14 pm #
I second what Christin said. I was tormented for being fat as a child, mostly by boys, and I haven’t really dated as an adult at all. Even though I grew up to be pretty attractive, if I do say so myself. I just can’t stop thinking of myself as anything but the fat girl that boys make fun of. I can’t imagine this day and age, with the internet…I would lock my kids in the house until they are 18!
Meri @ merigoesround responded on 29 Dec 2010 at 1:46 pm #
That soccer game story is sort of terrifying. It makes me feel like for each story I hear like this, these kids need to be given the positive messages an extra 10,000 times, and it probably still won’t erase the damage.
Argh.
Argh.
Accghh.
Valerie responded on 29 Dec 2010 at 1:52 pm #
I’ve never been a fan of ignoring people or walking away from them. In my experience, it only eggs them on because they end up viewing you as weak or that you think that you’re better than them.
Yes, I know…these people probably have a bully of their own, but does that give them the excuse to wander around freely, insulting people at will? No.
There was a boy who attempted to tease me in junior high because I was a “late bloomer”. He would often remark on my lack of breasts and I would often walk away. One day, I’d had enough and asked him if he would be kind enough to loan me some of his breasts as it appeared that he had more than enough to go around. Did I feel bad for turning around an insult that he placed on me in front of so many people? A little bit. Did he bother me anymore after that? No.
I have quite a few instances like that from my junior high days. The more I walked away, the more they threw at me. After I had taken a stand on each and every bully, I didn’t have problems anymore.
I know that being confrontational isn’t for everyone, but it’s what has worked for me.
Now, what people say behind my back is another issue, but I don’t hear about anything. At least I don’t have to deal with public humiliation at the hands of someone who hates themselves.
Kerry responded on 29 Dec 2010 at 2:46 pm #
Liz, this was so maddening .
When people are mean to me I try and convince myself that something is hard in their life. When I think back on times that I’ve been mean to others – meaning to or not – it’s always when there is a great stressor in my own life, or when I am feeling cornered or frustrated. It does not solve the problem but it does help to move on and stop internalizing.
Thanks for the guest post, and you look like a very fun person to eat cake with!
AlisonM responded on 29 Dec 2010 at 3:55 pm #
Hi Liz
First off, it felt great to read your reaction to your daughter’s embarrassment and shyness about being teased. I learned from a young age to internalise, and it still causes me huge problems now as an adult.
The thing that really hit home for me though was the penultimate paragraph, about women who make snide remarks about others. I have noticed this more and more as I become more comfortable with myself, and most of all, I have noticed how ugly and cancerous it is. It not only undermines our relationships with others, it also eats into the very self-esteem we’re (erroneously) trying to build with the bitching in the first place. Thanks for reminding me that I should continue to try and do my best to avoid this kind of commentary on other people, and especially on women. There’s enough BS in the world, I don’t need to create more.
Plus like you say, it really *does* feel so much better to be nice!
ps — you look like a hot mamma eating cake! 😉
San D responded on 29 Dec 2010 at 4:29 pm #
I don’t have children as most of you know, but have taught for many years. Yes kids are mean, so are adults. Meaness is part and parcel of being human sorry to say. There isn’t that much light between being “mean” and “teasing”. I moved quite often growing up and was never “in” wherever I landed (think 3 high schools for example and moving every 21 months since kindergarten). What I developed was a quick wit, fast thinking on my feet, a thick skin, and a true understanding of who I really was as I defined myself, not being defined by others. I am of the generation where our parents weren’t paying that much attention to our “hurts” (I’ll give you something to cry about” was our parents’ refrain to any slights we might have felt). All we can give children is a healthy ego, a true sense of being, a reality check when it comes to others, empathy and a sense of humor. What my German mother taught me is simple: Stand tall, its not you, its them. As an example, one time when I was teaching another teacher tried to embarass me and bully me in front of 120 students (long story). When she was done belittling me and ranting and raving, I simply said: “Are you done? Do you feel better now?”, and walked away. I always taught my students never to play verbal pingpong with a lunatic. You won’t win.
Margaret Dilloway responded on 29 Dec 2010 at 5:01 pm #
Women are always sniping at each other, as if we are taught to look for flaws in other women and comment on them. I remember seeing the movie CHICAGO and thinking Catherine Zeta-Jones did a bang-up job and remembering she was several months pregnant during filming. In the bathroom, two older ladies were talking: “Oh, Zeta-Jones looked HUGE next to Renee Zellweger. I bet she feels really bad.” I was flabbergasted. And during an Oscar party I remember one of the ladies commenting on the “weirdness” of Reese Witherspoon’s chin. And if someone has made herself look “normal” by plastic surgery or extreme dieting, then people snark about that. There is no way to win.
It’s as if women believe their own worth will be diminished if there is another attractive woman around, or another woman is getting accolades, so they have to tear her down. Like we’re all competing for the last man on earth! Perhaps these are base cave-woman instincts for alpha-female competition, but I think now (theoretically) we’re advanced enough to recognize our morally bad contributions to society and correct them. Too much energy is wasted on the loathing of ourselves and others.
I’ve got two daughters and yes, it’s hella scary to raise them in this vicious media-centric society. But the most I can do is try to be a good example and point out this BS when it happens, much to their disgruntlement (here comes another one of Mom’s lectures!)
Power to the cake!
Elizabeth responded on 30 Dec 2010 at 11:21 am #
@Meri –I was actually there when the soccer incident happened, and I spoke with the girl about how soccer has nothing to do with dieting and making other people eat her food. She argued with me, and became very angry. I had to put my foot down and say the game was off unless we talked about what soccer really is, which has nothing to do with food or diets. It was frustrating. And, I totally agree with you—girls need to hear positive messages and see good examples of behavior every day!
Elizabeth responded on 30 Dec 2010 at 11:32 am #
@ Alison – I have recently experienced cattiness as I’ve never experienced it before and it honestly surprised me. It wasn’t what was being said that caught my attention as much as that the comments and actions seemed completely normal and acceptable to this particular community of women. It made me sad for them. Friendships can be so rich and full of life, love, and adventure. It made me feel lucky to have my community of girlfriends because we all try to lift each other up while still being honest and true to each other and ourselves (even if a prickly issue comes up).
P.S. Thanks for the compliment!
Elizabeth responded on 30 Dec 2010 at 12:03 pm #
@Kerry –I agree with you. I do the same thing. When I’m upset, that’s when I am more likely to behave badly. Then I feel worse than I did before, and I feel guilty and apologize profusely. I feel bad about it for days. It’s so much easier to be nice and it feels a thousand times better!
Thank you for the positive feedback. =)
B1 responded on 04 Jan 2011 at 6:02 pm #
I enjoyed reading this. Here’s my two cents… children are mirrors and as such will reflect/project what ever they see and hear at home more than anywhere else. And if the television is their sitter, they will mirror what they see there too.
Elizabeth responded on 04 Jan 2011 at 7:18 pm #
@B1 I totally agree with you about the TV. That’s a major issue. Last year, a few of my preschool daughter’s friends were posing, talking about makeup, hair, boys, dating, and kissing. Not good! I am the TV/DVD police at our house and I mean business.
b1 responded on 05 Jan 2011 at 3:05 pm #
@Elizabeth – It’s great that you do police the TV/DVDs. Wow! Preschool?!? I think children are not allowed to be children any more. I realize that there are predators out there but if we really think about it, they were there all along, it’s just that our technology has enabled us to be more aware of it.
I remember that as a kid, I would run the streets and I talked to everyone. I know that children shouldn’t talk to everyone but I was a four year old kid, who, when told not to talk to strangers, replied with, “but if I don’t talk to strangers, how am I going to make any friends?” I saw the resignation in my mom’s face when I said that. But the point is, I’ve met so many parents who are so busy protecting their children that their children don’t have a chace to be just children.
In protecting children, parents now enroll them into all sorts of activities outside of school and they are supposed to excell at everything now. I look at the stress that parents are putting on children today, and am happy that I’m not a child of today. But then I look at the schools, the children are now being taught how to pass an SOL test instead of learning things that they may find interesting or of value to them later in life. They are no longer allowed to be innocent and care free.