Being the other woman
I don’t mean it like that. Although once, it’s true, I was part of a love triangle of sorts. But that’s a story for another time.
Here’s what I mean:
I was walking to a doctor’s appointment by Lincoln Center, through epic amounts of slush. I was realizing that I do not have any boots that are suitable for winter. And then remembering that I’d realized this last winter. I tried to remember why I hadn’t done anything about it, and could vaguely recollect that it’s really hard to find women’s boots that are good in snow, slush, rain, and the freezing cold, mostly because they don’t look the least bit sexy, and Manhattan shoe stores don’t seem interested in selling non-sexy products. I was speculating that Lands’ End probably had something, when the light changed and I had to jump over a puddle the size of a small, luxury swimming pool (with a vanishing edge), and nearly collided with a woman ahead of me. She had long, sleek dark hair, a big puffy coat, and sexy boots. I couldn’t see her face.
(I was right! source)
I crossed the street just behind her and we turned the same way on the corner. I walked behind her for two blocks, and just as she was turning to enter one of the overpriced restaurants across from the performing arts complex, a group of guys came towards us. The one in the front of pack spotted her immediately and stopped in his tracks. He elbowed his friend, pointing at her with his head. The friend turned to look and stopped, too. There was a small pile-up, which I had to step gingerly around. The dark-haired girl, appearing not to notice (though probably thinking to herself, “Give me a break”), disappeared into the restaurant, and I, invisible, disappeared down the block.
For about twenty terrible steps, I felt suddenly depressed. I was thinking a lot of things. Like
1. I was standing RIGHT in front of them! Am I not even attractive enough to solicit a glance?!
2. I’m not. Clearly. As much as I try to convince myself that I look OK, the guys on the street are going to choose the other woman. Automatically, without having to know anything about us. Because she clearly looks better.
3. How does she look good, wearing a thousand puffy layers? It can’t be the boots. Those guys looked like low-lives. They wouldn’t be subtle about boots. It was her face. She must’ve had a face like Megan Fox. I have a face like Megan Fox’s third cousin with the tragic deformity.
Just like the guys turning to check out the woman, my sense of rejection was automatic. She was chosen, I was dismissed. I had lost. But what a ridiculous competition to want to participate in! Maybe the worst part is that I don’t have a choice. I was enrolled in the competition at birth. I wasn’t competing with the random dark-haired woman on the street until those guys preferred her over me. And then suddenly she had beaten me and they had rejected me. It felt unfair. I hadn’t asked to be involved.
Twenty steps later, it occurred to me that I did have a choice. Not about being enrolled. But about losing. About playing other woman to the dark-haired woman’s success.
And then I was thinking,
1. Why do I care about this?
2. Those guys were losers. Do I need attention from losers on the street in order to feel good about myself?
3. It’s not so bad being invisible sometimes.
It’s not so bad being invisible sometimes. It can actually be very convenient.
Two steps later, a tall man in a long, classic winter coat with an elegant scarf looked at me for a little too long. He did not stop in his tracks, but I could tell he thought I was attractive. Maybe there was another woman, just behind me, who followed his gaze and felt a twinge of rejection for a moment. Maybe she didn’t care anymore. Maybe she liked not being seen. But maybe she was thinking, “That girl is wearing the dumbest boots in the world! Who could ever think she’s attractive? Maybe she has a face like Megan Fox’s sexy third cousin with the fantastic story of overcoming some sort of huge medical obstacle.”
Whatever. It’s a ridiculous competition. I’d rather sit in the waiting room at the doctor’s office for an hour rather than participate. Which is exactly what I went and did.
(why do they all look the same? source)
* * *
Un-roast: Today I love that moment when I honestly don’t care at all what other people think about my appearance. It’s rare, but I’m working on it.
I’m on MyDaily.com today, talking about my nose. I guess I talk about my nose a lot.
Post about my brothers at Un-schooled.
Kate on January 4th 2011 in Uncategorized
Christin@purplebirdblog responded on 04 Jan 2011 at 12:45 pm #
I have noticed when I’m out and about that I am not often looked at by strangers, but recently the revelation of several friends about their past crushes on me blow me out of the water. I am desirable, even if not at a first glance. 🙂
Vivi responded on 04 Jan 2011 at 2:15 pm #
I live in South America and the guys totally cat call, and on off days when I dont get any remarks its hard not to take it personally! Then I feel guilty for caring about what dumb catcallers think about the way I look, when they obviously arent picky ….
i love your blog!
Erinleigh responded on 04 Jan 2011 at 2:54 pm #
As a woman who gets this type of attention all the time…I honestly would love to NOT get it.
I can’t walk the four blocks from where I park my car in the city to the building I work in downtown without some loser on bicylce calling out “damn…sexy!” to me…even on days I am dressed in jeans and a sweatshirt. It’s annoying! I despise it! I just want to walk in peace. It’s early, I’m cranky…and I hate that this simple gesture men make creeps me out immensely.
Honestly, I was a victim of an attempted kidnapping when I was 23 years old because some guy “liked the way I looked”(those were his words when he testified in court) at a convenience store and decided to follow me home and attack me. Luckily, I was able to get away after he grabbed me outside of my own front door ( I still thank those self-defense classes I took in college) and now that man is in prision serving 4 1/2 years. I wasn’t the only girl he victimized..he had a record of abusing women.
Since then, these seemingly innocent “cat calls” and oogling that men do perturb me beyond comparison. It simply makes me emotionally distraught and freaked out…because I have no trust at all in strange men anymore…it has been taken from me…I will never get that back. I am always on the lookout. I carry my keys in hand like a weapon and I refuse to walk alone at night.
So for all of you women who wish that YOU were the one…DON’T…You are in a sense…the “lucky” ones. 🙂
Get Over IT! responded on 04 Jan 2011 at 3:10 pm #
This entire post and its comments are so stupid. Talk about real topics not this BS crap! Get a life. If you have no confidence in yourself no one else will see it. Stop being a baby. If you are unhappy with your looks change it… Apparently the author changed her nose why not your entire face? Blah blah blah!
Erinleigh responded on 04 Jan 2011 at 4:01 pm #
Then why are you even on this site? Get off and you SHUT UP!
Kendulara responded on 04 Jan 2011 at 4:18 pm #
haha im with Erin.
and Erin i think your comments are absolutely inspiring and appreciated. im an alright-looking girl who even dresses conservative (but stylish) and it IS completely annoying when ANY man ogles women. Makes him an intant creep in my books.
Jessica responded on 04 Jan 2011 at 4:24 pm #
Hey there,
I just came across your blog today and I am in love!! I cannot stop reading, I love how real you are. I look forward to reading more.
Jessica
Erinleigh responded on 04 Jan 2011 at 4:50 pm #
Thank you Kendulara…:)
Tabs responded on 04 Jan 2011 at 5:14 pm #
I think the issue here is not who is “lucky” and who’s not. Obviously, either way, no matter who you are as a woman, you’re unlucky, because you’re enrolled in this competition once your gender has been decided/identified.
(I’ll say more in a bit, but I just wanted to get that out!)
Noel responded on 04 Jan 2011 at 5:37 pm #
I hate the competition-between-women thing … even when you know it’s there and try to ignore it, it’s such a knee-jerk reaction. And what are we fighting over — men? Seriously?
Just another thing we (myself very much included) spend too much time thinking about when we could be curing cancer or taking over the world.
PS
Dear “Get Over IT:” If you have the balls to leave a comment like that, have the balls to leave your name.
Sabreena responded on 04 Jan 2011 at 5:53 pm #
I just found your blog and feel like you read my mind (I saw your AOl article about the nose job and we share in the nose drama, my nose is an Italian “masterpiece” I have wanted to change since middle school). I go with my husband to UFC events where there are all of these chicks wearing half of their clothes mingled with testosterone overdosed guys and I often feel completely invisible. I wonder why I even entertain the craving for the attention of those bone heads or why that situation makes me feel as if I am lacking in looks. It sucks to have that little nagging voice. No matter how comfortable I have become with my appearance, it doesn’t go away.
Deanna responded on 04 Jan 2011 at 6:29 pm #
I enjoyed reading the article about the failed nose job. It brought back a lot of memories and it’s a topic I enjoy reading about.
I am a lot older than you..at times I feel I am older than everyone, but I also feel that in many ways I was always more like the women today than the women of the 70s and 80s when I was young.
I had a nose job as a teen. I had been teases most of my life about my nose and I was told I was ugly so often I grew to hate myself. Even thought I was tall and graceful, I never had dates, men never noticed me and I just assumed that if I married at all I’d marry a total loser.
The nose job made a difference in my face, but in many ways the damage to my self esteem had been done. Even with my new nose, I rarely caught the attention of men and when I had a crush on some guy, he never liked me back. To make matters worse, my best friend at the time ended up with my boyfriend and he was so smitten with her became invisible.
Now I am a grown, married woman with two children. I know that to most people I come across as confident, successful and well adjusted. However, in my heart I still feel, in many ways, like the ugly teen with the big nose who was either tormented for being ugly or treated like an invisible woman. Both were very hard.
At this point, I doubt I’ll ever learn to feel beautiful but I’ve learned to fake it really well. I envy very beautiful women who get a lot of attention from men even if they say it’s a burden (come on guys…I don’t know who wrote that about being so desirable to men but to me every woman wants to feel attractive and it sounds like bragging.) I think beautiful people tend to have it easier in many ways and it’s much worse now than it was when I was very young. At least the women of my generation were more natural looking and there was less emphasis on appearance and more on intelligence, personality and talent. Now there are so many models, actresses, celebrities who are so physically perfect that it makes us feel inadequate. Of course there is a lot more we can do to make ourselves look good, but it becomes a financial thing too.
It isn’t easy and I won’t pretend this hasn’t been with me all of my life. I am glad I found this place where people can discuss it openly and honestly.
Andini Rizky responded on 04 Jan 2011 at 6:47 pm #
You’re such an excellent writer because if “I” wrote about my nose, nobody would read it. 😉
Julie responded on 04 Jan 2011 at 7:14 pm #
I read your AOL Article and saw your picture you have a beautiful exotic look. Thanks for sharing it was inspirational and very much appreciated. 😉
Beryl Yelton responded on 04 Jan 2011 at 7:44 pm #
Love the “nose job” article, related to so much of it, had mine done, 53 yrs ago, always thankful that I did, but wondered what life would have been like if I had not. Even my family told me I could be much prettier if I did it, so listened to them. You are quite a writer. I was married to a newspaper columnist, and appreciate your writing. And btw, sounds to me like you are going to be just great with the current nose.
Ashley responded on 04 Jan 2011 at 7:53 pm #
Oh I know that feeling. I used to be that overlooked girl as well. But now, I am becoming known as “That nerdy, awkward, too skinny quiet girl who ‘got hot’ and became a model.” Somewhere between graduation and age 22, I guess. At least that’s when I started stopping traffic. The first time I had ever got cat called, it wasn’t just once. It was a hot summer day and my boyfriend was at work. I became bored at the house and decided to walk to the video store that was about 5 blocks down the street. I was wearing demin shorts and a plain t-shirt. Not looking my best but not sloppy either. Just comfortable. On my ONE 10 minute stroll, I was stared at, whistled at, honked at, yelled at, and one guy litterally slammed on the breaks just after passing me, flipped his car around, revved his engine, and flew back passed me again, waving like he was leading a parade. I was baffled. I didn’t know what the hell happened because no guy ever looked at me before without me first initiating interest. Ever since, I can’t walk to the mailbox without getting attention. I wouldn’t say I hate it, but I wouldn’t say I like it either. I tend to be shy, and I don’t know how to handle lots of flatter and attention like that. I feel like a bitch when I ignore them but trust me, if you give guys like that ANY sort of attention, they will think you are into them and try to persuade you to go out with them.
I still don’t get it either. I’m not *that* different looking than I was in high school, am I? I don’t really see it. But apparently, some will disagree.
San D responded on 04 Jan 2011 at 8:40 pm #
Ahhhh, here’s what I do when walking through the streets of Manhattan. I find a very attractive woman to “draft” behind. All eyes are on her as she “breaks” the crowd to go through, much like parting the waters. I am in her wake, and believe all of those looks and smiles are for me, as she is as invisible to me, as I am to the onlookers.
Ellie Di responded on 04 Jan 2011 at 10:58 pm #
I never, ever get cat-called (except once very recently), and if I do get stares, I don’t notice. This particular kind of automatic competition has been largely outside my experience (thank god). But every once in a while I do get that twinge of feeling rejected and gross because I’m not the one getting stares. And it ruins my night! What the hell? I’ve been working on talking myself out of the proverbial tree, but it’s quite hard once you’re already up there.
AlisonM responded on 05 Jan 2011 at 5:45 am #
Sometimes I am the girl who gets looked at, sometimes I am the girl who gets overlooked. And I’ve finally got to a point of feeling mostly indifferent about both.
I think actually being looked at by strangers is often a lot more benign than we thin, I know that I look at people in the street (and on the train, and in coffee shops..) for all sorts of different reasons, and that a lot of it is simple human curiosity. Reminding myself of that makes me feel less uncomfortable when I catch people looking at me — or not.
However, if guys are clearly being creepers and staring at me, then I have angst of a different kind. I worry that I dressed that way / put on makeup / high heels because subconsciously I *wanted* to be gawped at by men. I mean, my subconscious freaks me out a bit anyway, but the idea that it wants me to play the Megan Fox game..? No no no..
Man I could turn anything into a drama!
camelshoes responded on 05 Jan 2011 at 7:31 am #
Haha, San D. I’m a short woman and I regularly ‘draft’ behind tall people just to make my way through crowds. Some tall people don’t even see me and I’ve had enough of being elbowed in the head. I just find some tall person going my way and get in behind. Never thought of drafting behind an attractive person to avoid unwanted attention!
I have been catcalled, but it is not a regular occurrence. My first experience was when I was about 19. It was quite creative too – some guy actually ad-libbed a poem about me and yelled it out of his car at me. Better than “Hey, chick!” which is what some guy yelled at me another time, but still… I never know how to react, so I usually just try to get as far away as possible, as fast as possible.
Kate responded on 05 Jan 2011 at 10:48 am #
@Deanna
You’re absolutely right about it being a financial problem as well as an emotional one. The fact that women are competing to meet some ideal that no one really completely understands and no one will ever achieve through cosmetic products is incredibly frustrating. And beauty regulations related to dress, hair, and makeup that women deal with every day in the workplace always sound exhausting to me. I remember talking with a woman who was cutting my hair, a few years ago, and she was explaining that a lot of her customers come in a few times a week for a blow out. That’s a lot of money. And it’s a lot of time. All towards a career that should have nothing to do with how someone’s hair looks.
Gaby responded on 05 Jan 2011 at 3:14 pm #
I meant to respond yesterday but it was taking to long to type on my phone haha, thank goodness for work from home days!
Kate, Kate, Kate, stop putting down your looks! You’re stunning…but thats’ not the point. It’s not that these guys don’t look at you because you’re not beautiful, it’s just that beauty if not exactly what they are looking for. They look at these girls more because of how they put themselves together, or present themselves. Ok that still doesn’t sound the way I want it to, but let me try to explain. I don’t want that to sound negative because you ARE very well put together, but she wants to be looked at. She has spent time planning this and putting on bright make up and heels and wearing probably more revealing clothing and sending out vibes and set out with the intention of grabbing attention. You are probably too busy and above all of those games and these guys know that. They know if they gave you attention, it would be completely useless for them. If they were to try to ask you out, they probably think they’d be turned down because they know you’re at least a notch or several above them.
I’ve never been one to get attention on the street, or even from friends, or guys I’ve liked, even when I am sending out what I think are major “look at me” vibes. Once I even went to this gay club with friends that’s know for lifting your self esteem because those guys will grab and whistle at anything that moves. My group of 15 or so friends were all solicited in some way or another throughout the night, or at least received compliments. I got nothing, not a glance, not even a dance request. It’s not like I want to be grabbed at like a piece of meat, but seriously?
But on the other hand I’ve had guys, both dates, and close friends, tell me that it might not even occur to them to try with me because they know I wouldn’t go for it, or they think I wouldn’t. Either I’m intimidating, or I give off some sort of closed off feeling, I don’t know, but they just have never thought they’d have a chance so they don’t even show interest.
I also had a good friend I took a beach trip once who admitted he was really shocked at the body I revealed in a swimsuit because I don’t dress in a way that flaunts it at all. That was interesting because I had never thought twice about it, I put on clothes that I think are flattering and I feel comfortable in, but I guess I just don’t feel comfortable OR cute in super revealing or tight outfits.
unroast: My jeans are getting tighter, I’m now wearing leggings out more without feeling freakish, and I put on a pair of jeans that I haven’t been able to wear in a long time without them falling off. I know deep down that this is a good thing, I’m struggling with how I feel about it though because change is scary, and it just seems like I’m not expected to be happy about something like this because tightening jeans are supposed to be the end of the world according to most people. But 1) My self worth is not based on my jeans size, and 2) maybe with the extra curves I will one day get cat calls, though I probably wouldn’t want them.
Kate responded on 05 Jan 2011 at 4:13 pm #
@Gaby
LOVE the unroast! Way to go. Keep filling those jeans!
Roxanne responded on 05 Jan 2011 at 7:56 pm #
It’s amazing how fate works. Last night, I was just crying to my Mom about how I hate my nose, and I how I want a nose job. I have a very petite face with a large, pointy nose, and I was taunted because of it as a kid. Then, tonight, I log onto AOL, and see your story about your nose jobs, and then I read your blog. I’m so glad that you have this blog to help women gain some self confidence in themselves! Why should I want my nose to look like someone else’s when my nose was given to me for a specific reason.
I just think it’s so cool that just last night, my self esteem was so low because of my nose, you just brought it right back up. THANK YOU!
Maggie Radfem responded on 06 Jan 2011 at 8:18 pm #
“…but she wants to be looked at. She has spent time planning this and putting on bright make up and heels and wearing probably more revealing clothing and sending out vibes and set out with the intention of grabbing attention.”
This reeks of victim-blaming slut-shamery. “She wants to be looked at”? Surely you are aware that that is the very excuse rapists try to peddle after raping a woman dressed in a manner in which they deem appealing? In all seriousness, that borders on rape apologism. In a patriarchy, women can’t ever win. We have to live our lives, and any choice we make will be a political statement, because all we are is objects. If a woman wears baggy clothing, some asshole rapist will try to justify it by saying she tempte him because he just had to know what she looked like underneath those clothes, or because she was frigid and refused to empornulate herself for his twisted pleasure. If a woman dresses “sexy”, rapists will argue that she had to have wanted it, because everything women do is for men; therefore, she was dressed like that just for his benefit, and he had to reap the rewards. Men have punished and will continue to punish women for any and every choice we make. There is nothing you can do to prevent being raped or harassed. That women have internalized it enough to believe that the other woman *wants* it is a clear indicator that there is still a great need for feminism. I weep for all that we have lost.
Maggie Radfem responded on 06 Jan 2011 at 8:23 pm #
“2) maybe with the extra curves I will one day get cat calls, though I probably wouldn’t want them.”
See? You woud have no control over receiving that harassment. The men would feel entitled to sexually soliciting you simply because of your looks. You have no control over their actions. You concede that you would (probably) not appreciate the attention. So what makes you think any other woman does? What gives you the right to make such harmful assumptions? That’s actually highly triggering for victims of sexual assault.
MWN responded on 11 Jan 2011 at 2:45 pm #
I definitely noticed the attention, which was very unwanted, when I studied in Lima, Peru. In some ways it made me feel better about my looks because in Lima, the beauty standard = white. And while I feel prettier or uglier on a day by day basis, I’m always white. So it was like, great, I don’t even have to try.
But that was a very small upside to a large downside. I REALLY disliked the CONSTANT attention, and it got to the point where I felt inordinately grateful to men who didn’t act like jackasses. Can you believe that–I was actually grateful to people acting like normal human beings. It was such a relief to walk down the street in my neighborhood back home in the US and not have to tense up every time a person walked by, in case I would be subjected to words/looks/gestures.
But that’s not even what you’re talking about Kate. You’re talking about just NOTICING. And not being noticed. Half the time I am ignored, which is pretty fine, and half the time I notice people staring at me, and it really weirds me out, because I’m not sure if they are staring because they think I’m hot, or what if I have boogers hanging out of my nose or my period leaked? So I constantly have to check to make sure something else isn’t going on.
Eliza responded on 01 Feb 2011 at 1:27 pm #
I realize that I’m pretty late to the commenting party, but I just found your amazing blog two days ago. You write so much great stuff, but I really felt a NEED to comment on this post.
I am that woman. I mean, not literally; I live in Rhode Island and have blonde hair. But I’m definitely a woman who random men on the street/in cafes/wherever stare at. And like that woman, I pretend not to notice them. Not because I’m just too cool for that, and obviously have better things to do with my time, but because it kind of feels horrible.
Not the part where men think I’m attractive. Sometimes they’re total creepers, but some of them are cute. No, it’s deeper than that.
I’m 21 years old and I’ve never been in a relationship. I’ve never had sex. I’ve never even been asked out on a date. Every time men on the street stare at me, I think, why am I good enough to make an idiot out of yourself checking out but not to approach? What’s wrong with me? Obviously it can’t be my looks (I mean, I assume, though I honestly have no idea how attractive I am) because they’re legit stopping and staring at me. So what is it? What’s wrong with me?
Kate, I would trade every in glance from men on the street in a hot second to get a relationship like you seem to have with Bear. You have no idea.
Anyway, like you said, they’re mostly losers anyway. Your self worth should never be based on losers.
Anna responded on 19 Sep 2011 at 1:57 pm #
When it comes to stuff like this, I’m very oblivious. I don’t realize when people are looking at me (unless they’re blatantly staring at my chest). I don’t like the attention. Whenever my friends tell me ‘Hey, that guy over there is looking at you’ I get shocked. I’ve always assumed they’d be looking at my friends (Sarah’s a tall, skinny, blonde-haired, blue-eyed volleyball star, Chelli’s a short hipster with long, curly black hair and a very noticeable presence, and Hanna is often mistaken for JLo) Because I don’t think I look as good as they do since I’m short, curvy, with a blunt blonde bob and gold eyes (they’re my favorite part of my body xP)