Karen Owen
I just read this article, in The Atlantic, about Duke University. I really didn’t want to talk about Karen Owen at any point, ever, because everyone in the world with a soap box got immediately up on it to say something about her.
Karen Owen: the girl who wrote a “thesis” detailing her sexual encounters with Duke athletes. I read a little of it and got upset and stopped. I got upset when she was saying, “The next day, I was in so much pain I could barely walk. Which meant it’d been really great.” Or something to that effect. And then she was saying, “I was so drunk I don’t even remember what happened, but we definitely had sex.”
I am angry, thinking about it. I didn’t follow the immediate aftermath, the frantically jabbering media frenzy, because I didn’t want to hear people call her empowered. I didn’t want to read them praising her, or heaping insults on her, or describing her as something new and creative. I didn’t want to read her described as anything except for ordinary and tragic. But somehow, the tragedy has been sucked out of stories like hers. She’s telling it, after all, trumpeting it– yelling out her exploits as though they are actually HER exploits, and not her being exploited and exploiting herself.
I’m exhausted by her story. A young woman who will do anything the boys want, while the boys don’t even seem to want her very much. Everyone is incredibly drunk in it. They can’t do anything before they are drunk.
Read Smashed, by Koren Zailckas, who had just graduated college when she wrote it. It’s not prudish and prim and moralistic to point out that getting drunk constantly as a young woman is not a good idea. Getting drunk constantly as any kind of person is not a good idea. Getting drunk and flinging yourself in the path of the Duke lacrosse team is not liberated, it’s dangerous, empty, and desperate.
The article in the Atlantic agrees. Its author, Caitlin Flanagan, asks for a new look at the story. Let’s stop calling Owen a slut or the New Woman. She isn’t special. She is legions of girls who have learned that pleasing boys is how sexuality works. She is scores of girls who are still trying to be cool by not caring.
(it’s a trap. source)
She is having a lot of sex, so we’re supposed to be shocked and impressed. Guess what? A lot of people have a lot of sex. She’s having a lot of casual sex, so we’re supposed to be amazed and a little horrified. Women have been having casual sex for a long time, too. But what kind of casual sex is she having? She tells us in disturbing detail. Disturbing for reasons she clearly doesn’t understand or anticipate. She is a cliché, and she is also a real, live person who is trying to make sense out of sex, power, and college.
I’m going to just say this: she isn’t doing it right.
In fact, she’s doing it so wrong that it hurts to read it. And to celebrate her story is to celebrate her pain, the pain of a confused generation of girls who keep repeating to themselves, “It’s better when it hurts. The bigger the better. I like to get pushed around during. I like it when they don’t care.”
We need to wake up and recognize the tragedy in front of us.
* * *
Un-roast: Today I love the way I look in a bright red hat, when I might as well be bald under it, because you can’t see even one strand of hair.
Check out my piece about being home-schooled on MyDaily!
And this piece was republished on HuffPo here. I reversed the order of two of the paragraphs.
Kate on January 13th 2011 in Uncategorized
Valerie responded on 13 Jan 2011 at 11:33 am #
You’ve just said everything I’ve been trying to find the words to express for years. Thank you!
Jen responded on 13 Jan 2011 at 11:46 am #
A-MEN to that!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Erinleigh responded on 13 Jan 2011 at 12:14 pm #
Well it’s one thing to disrespect your self in private…but then to announce it to the world. Such class this slot machine of a girl has…ugh…disgusting….she should have just asked for money at the rate it appears she was going….
Nicole responded on 13 Jan 2011 at 12:27 pm #
I love reading your blog and have never responded before but I feel like I have personal experience with this and you really hit the nail on the head of this complex and horribly difficult trend. I went to duke as an undergrad too, and I didn’t know Karen directly, but I might as well have been her. The pressure on women is enormous, and I don’t just see it at duke. I remember doing what she describes, and my friends all doing it, and it feeling like everyone either did the hooking up or had already found a partner during freshman orientation that they huddled together with under the onslaught of this hypersexuality. Nothing in between. I also remember the strange high after hooking up, waking up hung over and sore and triumphant, as if by embracing hook-ups I was conning myself into feeling like I was in control of them, because I didn’t have control over anything else.
this becomes really sticky, because I want to respect women’s decisions about sex, whatever they may be. but I have also been there, and I have been the woman who swears up and down that this is what she wants, and years later, I am only now seeing the vicious cycle I stepped into because i felt like there was no other choice. So I admire your willingness to take the leap and pity Karen Owens and women like her. The notion that a woman in college, 18-22 years old, never left home before, can be set into a hyper-masculine and very oppressive environment like duke and take part in hooking up in any informed or balanced way is ridiculous. to get all feminist, it is a sick, perverted manipulation of the patriarchy that women are told that the only way to find power is by pleasuring men. This is just the latest development of it. it makes me so mad, but i also find it really hard to articulate without feeling like I’m just piling more shit onto the women. so thank you for your succinct and kind analysis. thank you thank you!
Deanna responded on 13 Jan 2011 at 12:29 pm #
Very very very well said! I grew up in a time when having a bit of respect for yourself was IN. Now, apparently, being a slut and letting everyone know somehow makes a woman empowered, is this progress?.
Cyndie responded on 13 Jan 2011 at 12:43 pm #
Thank you.
I’m exhausted by her story, too.
allison marie responded on 13 Jan 2011 at 1:38 pm #
You really hit the nail on the head with this one – as per usual 🙂
Ceci responded on 13 Jan 2011 at 1:43 pm #
I echo others in saying that I very much enjoyed this thought-provoking post, Kate, as always.
I am, however, troubled by several of the above comments, calling Karen Owen a “slut” and saying she should have “just asked for money at the rate…she was going.” I think we can all agree that hearing accolades about this young woman’s behavior (of which I had not heard before) is short-sighted and too simplistic. However, do we really have to resort to slut-shaming as well? I find such comments to be a symptom of the problem, and not appropriate to a forum that usually shows much more compassion and thought.
Christin@purplebirdblog responded on 13 Jan 2011 at 2:29 pm #
Ceci, my thoughts exactly. How is bashing our fellow women going to get us any further in this argument? I have done my own share of hooking up with too many people or the “wrong” people, and mine was during high school instead of college. It was a direct result of often being made to feel not good enough by my parents, even though I know now they didn’t intend for it as such, but I sought value elsewhere. I do not regret what I did, although I admit I am extremely fortunate to walk out of my own experience without an STD/STI, rape, or a child. I don’t regret it, because all those experiences helped me develop into the person I am today, and that person is a badass.
Ellie Di responded on 13 Jan 2011 at 2:41 pm #
Holy crap. I thought I was the only person who felt this way about her thesis. (Cliche-sounding, but true). I was sickened to read her work, not because she was having a lot of casual sex, but because of the way she threw herself at men while grossly out of her mind. We shouldn’t celebrate this as an achievement of any kind. It should be a warning.
Barbara responded on 13 Jan 2011 at 2:46 pm #
I didn’t know about Karen Owen or the Atlantic article, so thanks for the heads up. It makes me incredibly sad that, after the decades of struggle for respect and equal treatment, this is the culture young women of this decade find themselves in. I want to think that Duke is an extreme example, but it’s probably not alone. Where is the leadership in that university? MIA?
Thanks, Kate, for the common sense and compassion you bring to this.
B1 responded on 13 Jan 2011 at 2:48 pm #
I only got through half of the article and only through conquest number 7 of the link in the article before I stopped. My thoughts are that first that alcohol never empowered anyone and my second is that I wonder what diseases she may have contracted in all of her exploits. For any woman who really understands having any type of empowerment, also understands that it entails self-control with a little submission, but not full submission and complete loss of self-control.
I had not heard of KO until today and I’m sad for her. Sad for her need to obtain her self worth and value at the hand of alcohol and abusive sex. A hooker, a stripper, or a call girl appears to have higher standards than KO did/does.
Sona responded on 13 Jan 2011 at 2:53 pm #
My thoughts on this are perfectly captured by the women of Slate’s Double X podcast (discussion of two articles including this one starts around 23:13) – I think it helps to hear this and think about the issues in this story in a different perspective. http://www.slate.com/id/2281030/
The rest of this podcast is pretty excellent, also.
rachel responded on 13 Jan 2011 at 2:55 pm #
I’ve been absent from the comments sections recently. I don’t really have time now, to figure out how to respond, but I want to say this:
We need to talk about how women are pressured to be sexual and to see their self worth as a reflection of male attention, and NOT talk about how individual women succeed or fail at empowerment. There is no way to talk about any one woman (or stereotype of woman) without reducing her experience, shaming her, envying her, etc.
Dana Udall-Weiner responded on 13 Jan 2011 at 3:06 pm #
So sad when sexual liberation and self-exploitation are conflated. It is tragic and, as you say, ordinary, because it happens all the time. What would be really empowering is to listen to our own bodies and minds and hearts and then decide.
Kate responded on 13 Jan 2011 at 3:57 pm #
@Rachel
Absolutely. But this particular individual woman is a good place to start.
I don’t think it’s at all correct or productive to call her names, but it’s productive to think about why she acted the way she did.
Tabs responded on 13 Jan 2011 at 5:27 pm #
I’m with Ceci & Christin (BAMF!) – I certainly don’t think this whole thing is awesome, but at the same time, I don’t think berating the girl for APPARENT, ASSUMED her lack of self-respect is – uh, any better. I was as confused as she was at one point too. I just hope that people stop giving the girl reactions to continue down this path. Or maybe someone can hand her a copy of Female Chauvinist Pigs. 🙂
Tabs responded on 13 Jan 2011 at 5:52 pm #
Also, oh my God, I just finished the article in the Atlantic and it’s heartbreaking. ):
Elinor responded on 13 Jan 2011 at 5:56 pm #
I think it’s interesting that in a previous post, you write about how we should talk about sex more. About what pleases us, our partners, what we enjoy, etc. However, when Karen Owen tells the world that she (perhaps only on occasion) enjoys rough sex, you deride her. How dare she *enjoy* it?! All you’ve done is perpetuate the stereotype that women can only have sex that is deemed acceptable and you openly shame her and her behaviour.
Kate responded on 13 Jan 2011 at 6:16 pm #
@Elinor
I think you misunderstand me. The sex that Karen describes IS deemed acceptable. It’s, unfortunately, part of a very limited vocabulary in which young women seem able to talk about sex.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with Karen talking about sex, but I definitely wish there were a lot more options for what that sex would be like. Being drunk, covered in bruises, and in physical pain sounds like a warning sign to me.
zoe (and the beatles) responded on 13 Jan 2011 at 8:19 pm #
sex ending in physical pain sounds does not sound “fun” to me…or anything worth deeming acceptable. maybe girls use the guise of alcohol to hook up with guys because connecting on a sexual level while sober is something we’re told not to do? or that by doing it sober we loose respect? so in doing it drunk we can “blame the alcohol?” hmm…dunno, never used alcohol for anything but having fun with friends but you’ve got me thinking, kate!
oh, and smashed is SUCH a great book! i read it a few years ago and it seriously stuck with me. it’s so raw and relatable. gah, i love it 🙂
Lauren responded on 14 Jan 2011 at 9:41 pm #
I feel exactly the same about this type of behavior. But what really bothers me is that it has become the societal standard. Not only does it affect the women that choose to act erratically and with great insecurity, but it also greatly affects women that prefer to have quite a bit more discretion in choosing a sexual partner, as the majority of men expect women to put out before they know anything about them. I was just recently barraged for stating to my friends that I would have to go on at least 6 dates with a guy before sleeping with him, maybe more. I like to consider myself balanced… but according to today’s society, I’m a prude. I guess I will just get a few more cats. ; )
valerie P responded on 14 Jan 2011 at 10:57 pm #
A girl 18-22 is exactly that, still a girl. Those years are fraught with the uncertainty of our teen years and the post-pubsecent uncertainty that goes with it.We “try things on” in terms of experiences and unfortunately that includes drinking and sexual encounters,typically in that order. Education always costs something, and often our enlightening moments come after the fact. For those of us on the outside looking in, and those of us who’ve “been there,done that”, we ache for this girl and those like her who take the struggle for the feminine self to such extremes.
neal h hurwitz responded on 15 Jan 2011 at 2:44 am #
you are right and good and toda!
Call me some time 212-222-9112
Nealhugh Hurwitz on Facebook
Neal H. Hurwitz, NY NY
I taught poli sci at Columbia, etc.
Hate compulsory ed now!
I want to come to your synagogue! (Have been at SAJ and Ansche Chesed)…
Gee responded on 15 Jan 2011 at 7:33 am #
I normally find what you write really thought provoking and nuanced but your response to this story seems to be in line with the “the is the way women should act and if it aren’t we should pity them.”
You’re right, she is trying to make sense of sex, power, and college. But to say “she isn’t doing it right” isn’t just imposing a standard that we really don’t have the authority to impose.
This so called argument that she’s just ‘pleasing boys’ and that in itself is inherently wrong just plays into the idea that women can’t be autonomous and make their own choices about their own bodies. She may regret her decisions but they’re her decisions to regret and not ours to judge.
monika responded on 16 Jan 2011 at 9:16 am #
some kids in our lab are studying human trafficking. the biggest question, who is a victim.
we recently found this: http://morethanpurpose.blogspot.com/2010/10/is-prostitution-choice.html
esp note the comments.
this is huge. because it’s huge – widespread.
the kids are intent on uncovering hearts’ intent and making that finding/knowledge widespread.
not seeking to judge, but to better educate. so that choice is authentic personal choice.
Dawn responded on 17 Jan 2011 at 7:25 pm #
Wow. Agreed.
I sincerely hope that her next fifteen minutes is not as a patient on a season of “Celebrity Rehab”.
Rebecca responded on 18 Jan 2011 at 11:30 pm #
First off – love your blog. And I absolutely think that you’re right about the problematic associations between drunkenness and hooking up. There are certainly some frightening parts to this woman’s story – waking up in a stranger’s bed, with no memory of what happened? Uh, I’d call that “date rape” – but there’s one aspect of the coverage of this story that really bothers.
Loves aggressive, “violent” sex? Considers bruises sexy and desirable? Is most turned on by a man who says to her, “You like it when I take charge, don’t you?” Folks, I don’t think this woman is a simple-minded victim of male aggression. I think she’s a submissive. As in, BDSM and all that good stuff. As in, she finds sexual satisfaction in being manhandled by very dominant men. It’s a totally legitimate sexual preference, one that is experienced by many, many women.
Are there better ways to scratch the submissive itch than getting drunk and hooking up with people who don’t respect you? Maybe. It’s certainly not what I do. But can you all just stop telling her – and me – that what we crave in bed “isn’t doing it right”?
B1 responded on 19 Jan 2011 at 4:36 pm #
@Rebecca – I know BDSM is a sexual choice but KO can only find her boldness to act out those desires when drunk. And I don’t think Kate is really saying that what you’re craving ‘isn’t doing it right’. There are people who like to be dominant and some that like to be submissive and there’s nothing wrong with those choices. But what KO is doing is like a drunk driver. A drunk driver doesn’t mean to go out and hit someone and kill them and I’m sure that KO probably isn’t thinking about that either, but let’s say her first hook up was with someone who has aids and is not aware of it yet? She doesn’t mention any type of protection and unless she went into the library with a box of condoms, I’m sure most of her sex has been unprotected. In this manner, she has just sentenced each of her exploits to death due to her carelessness while drunk.
Rebecca responded on 19 Jan 2011 at 11:42 pm #
… And also to her partners’ carelessness while being drunk. If she and her partners really did have unprotected sex – of which we have no proof – then Owen is not entirely to blame. Let’s remember that these hook-ups (with the exception of the skeevy date rape one, bleagh) were consensual encounters between adults, both of whom are responsible for safety measures. This is pretty different from a drunken driver scenario, in which the victim has no control over the situation, and the driver is entirely at fault.
B1 responded on 28 Jan 2011 at 2:47 pm #
I don’t really think that the drunk driver is much different. If I’m correct, I remember seeing that a law was put into place that anyone with Aids is to inform their sexual partner before the act of sex, otherwise, they can be brought up on charges of murder or man slaughter. So, if KO is infected and not taking percautions, and is not informative to her partners due to her lack of judgement in her need to be drunk in the first place, she too, like a drunk driver, is responsible for her actions while under the influence.
If she were acting as an adult, she would have taken the time with these men to be tested with them first to ensure their honesty as well as hers. Blind sex is a thing of the past and is something that any person should be afraid of in this day of awareness of sexually transmitted diseases.
Emmi responded on 15 Mar 2011 at 2:28 pm #
Good gracious. I pity that woman, whose self-worth is so low she throws herself around like that. I hope she smartens up before irrevocable damage is incurred.