Best Valentine's Day Ever
(source)
I was eighteen. It was Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have plans. So I took myself shopping, on a whim. I set some important rules: you can only buy pink or red stuff and it has to be romantic.
Somehow, I hadn’t been properly educated about the holiday. Or maybe I had, but it hadn’t stuck. I don’t like little chocolate candies with unexpected fillings, and I think that probably has a lot to do with the failure. I also don’t like the heart shape*, which I found very challenging to draw evenly as a child.
I didn’t like it when the guys I dated got me flowers. My mom gardens too much. I know exactly which flowers I like. Her parents were florists. My dad has really good taste in flowers, and every Valentine’s Day, he gets her this truly colossal bouquet, which she puts in the humungous crystal vase on the table. Later, she divides the flowers up and puts them in little vases all over the house. And it’s all very beautiful. So I am a snob. And I wished they wouldn’t even try. They were doing it because they felt they should. They were poor, and they shouldn’t have been spending their money on flowers. I wished they would save it instead.
(I love that wildflower look. They never sell it on Valentine’s Day. source)
I never know what to get other people for holidays. And this is a holiday all about getting someone you love something meaningful. When I fall in love with someone, I write them songs instead of getting them gifts. I write them poetry and little stories. I don’t know how to do anything nice that doesn’t involve writing, apparently.
When I was eighteen, I had the best Valentine’s Day of my life. It was also the most selfish. I was laughing to myself as I went, and people looked at me curiously, thinking, “The loneliness must have driven her insane, poor girl…Passed up by all of the boys. Perhaps if she brushed her hair there would be some hope…” I bought some lingerie. Well, one piece. A lingera. The only time in my life I have purchased something lacey. Some red lace underwear that my roommate later stole (I couldn’t really blame her. They were very cute). I bought giant pink drawstring hip hop pants that sagged all over the place. I bought some little pink earrings. I bought a short pink satin nightgown thing, on sale and about five sizes too large. I felt awesome, but I didn’t push it by getting flowers. I didn’t want to annoy myself by picking out the wrong kind.
Back in my room, I did a scandalous photo shoot of myself. I looked really sexy. I loved myself, and I was pretty sure I always would.
It’s been on and off. Mostly it’s really good. But like in any long-term relationship, I have my rough patches.
(source)
A few years later, I was sitting in a crowded Italian restaurant in Manhattan. A pink streamer was brushing my cheek and balloons were bobbing drunkenly through the air. The menu was framed with pink and red hearts. The food promised to be uninspired. My boyfriend was trying to have a romantic conversation with me, but I was more interested in the romantic conversation happening three inches to my right, where another couple sat, whispering intimate things to one another that only they, the couple on their other side, and I could hear. I suddenly remembered the pink hip hop pants. How cool were they? Why did I stop wearing them?
“So–” my mom says, “Where are you going for dinner on Valentine’s Day?” Bear and I are newlyweds. This is our first Valentine’s Day as a married couple. When you’ve only been married for three months or so, there are a lot of firsts as a married couple.
“Nowhere,” I say. There’s some pride in my voice. We have other plans. Sort of.
Bear wants to cook me dinner. I suggested that we order hot wings. Not that I don’t want him to cook dinner, but that means he has to go grocery shopping first, since I can’t go and pick out his secret ingredients, and that will take a while, and he gets home late anyway, and then he will have to figure out what he’s doing, since he almost never cooks, and since he likes to take time to figure things out.
He’s already gotten me a tin of the biggest cookies ever, which arrived surprisingly early (he said, “Oh, those were for Valentine’s Day. Weird.”). I’m planning on cleaning the apartment and writing him a letter.
I’ve realized recently that letters are the only gifts I actually want from him. I want a collection of letters that document his feelings towards me over the years. I want to read them when I’m old. I want to have to hide them from our children, because they’re so spicy. I want to hold evidence of the fascinating evolution of love in my hands.
I do appreciate the cookies, though. And the hot wings he ordered last night.
Strangely, I don’t want a best Valentine’s Day ever. I want Bear, of course. But what really makes me happy is knowing that neither one of us has to perform here, for each other. It makes me really happy knowing that we don’t even have to “do” Valentine’s Day. We don’t really have to “do” any holidays, actually. It’s incredibly freeing.
Anyway, the only thing that could ever top the hip hop pants is his love. And not only do I already have that, but he’s going to give me a letter.
* Â * Â *
Un-roast: Today I love the way I look in red.
I liked this article about Valentine’s Day and gift giving in the NY Times.
* When Bear and I were looking for an engagement ring, I was shocked to discover that “heart shaped” was a real cut for diamonds and other stones. Which means that people actually buy heart shaped gemstones and wear them. Sometimes they even buy them in pale pink. And then they still wear them. I imagine some hapless man presenting the pink heart shaped diamond engagement ring to his girlfriend. He hasn’t consulted her. He’s picked it entirely on his own. I imagine her trying frantically to look as though she can still respect him. She is thinking, “He really seemed like the one…”
I’m kidding. It wouldn’t be that bad. Unless it was me. Then it might be pretty bad.
Kate on February 14th 2011 in Uncategorized
lgw responded on 14 Feb 2011 at 11:58 am #
OMG, you hit the nail on the head with this one. in fact, i’ve got flowers waiting for me at the PO and i almost feel like not picking them up. you would think that after 10 friggin’ years, he’d get the hint? but nope. and now i gotta lug some dum-azz flowers in some god awful ugly vase upstairs.
i, too, want letters. or something far more creative than online flowers. dammit, my mom’s a gardener, so i got spoiled just like you!
and i don’t want to “do” V-Day either.
Autumn responded on 14 Feb 2011 at 12:03 pm #
Your larger point is, of course, an excellent one, but what I feel compelled to comment on is “lingera.” LOVE.
Enjoy your hot wings!
Kate responded on 14 Feb 2011 at 12:07 pm #
@Autumn
Thanks for appreciating that, rather than telling me I’m an idiot 🙂
Emily responded on 14 Feb 2011 at 12:11 pm #
Awesome. I want letters too. Sick post Kate 🙂 xoxoxo <3
Erinleigh responded on 14 Feb 2011 at 12:35 pm #
Awww! I love the idea of love letters! My boyfriend is not into buying cards at all…we have been together 2 years and never has he gotten me a card…not for my birthday, Valentines, or any other “card” holiday.
And you know at first it bothered me…but then I realized that is a material thing. I love my man and he loves me and I’d rather have a night of cuddling up together watching movies than the most romantic card in the world because that is what I’ll remember most…the time we spend together…not the things he’s bought me. 🙂
but I may just mention something to him about the letters…since he is a musician and is great at writing lyrics…I figure a love letter should be cake work!
Happy Valentines day to all the lovers and friends…
Anna responded on 14 Feb 2011 at 12:39 pm #
In all my 23 years I have never celebrated Valentine’s Day, with the exception of grade school parties with pointless Disney cards and loads of chalky hearts. I have always been single during this time and most of the time never minded it. But every year, through the years of self pity, fierce independence, and complete neutrality, my dad has always had a card waiting for me. This was my first Valentine’s Day halfway across the country from my parents and I wasn’t concerned about not having a date or hating every happy couple in sight. I was looking forward to the card I knew my dad would send.
Valentine’s Day isn’t just about relationships between girlfriends and boyfriends or husbands and wives for me. It is about loving everyone. It seems silly to have one day a year dedicated to something we should do everyday but it is a good reminder when you are feeling particularly bitter towards the world… or if you are away from your loved ones.
Un-Roast: I love myself today. Plain and simple. I love my flaws, my attributes and everything inbetween.
Kate responded on 14 Feb 2011 at 12:44 pm #
@Anna
That’s really, really sweet. My dad always gives me something for Valentine’s Day, too. I like the idea of expanding the meaning of the holiday to any type of love.
mylittlesoapbox responded on 14 Feb 2011 at 12:58 pm #
Want to know my secret for a great valentines day. Don’t celebrate it. My dear darling husband and I have not celebrated valentines for nearly a decade. And for that decade I have nights we watched a movie, nights we cooked together and lots of night where we just were together for the sake of being together.
Enjoy your UnValentines. We do!
Mandy responded on 14 Feb 2011 at 1:06 pm #
Much as I deplore the commercial aspects of Valentines Day, and the fact that it tries to force people to be romantic on a schedule, I do really enjoy the fact that my husband always gets me a small box of dark and milk chocolate covered cherries. He likes the milk chocolate, I like the dark chocolate–it works out perfectly.
Kinda like our relationship. We may not be perfect, but we are perfect for each other. (Thank you Robin Williams in Good Will Hunting for that quote!)
Unroast: I, too, love how I look in red.
Erinleigh responded on 14 Feb 2011 at 1:18 pm #
@ Mandy…
I have a little quote that is quite similar..:) “We may not have it all together, but together we have it all…”
I am loving all the men in pink shirts today at my office! LOL How sweet!
Jen responded on 14 Feb 2011 at 1:30 pm #
I bought my own flowers–a pot of Stargazer lilies which will then be planted in my yard for returns every year. I thanked my husband when I came home with them, figuring: men love getting credit (and I love getting exactly what I want).
Michelle responded on 14 Feb 2011 at 1:34 pm #
Hi there! I stumbled upon your blog from another (though I don’t remember which…).
I love how you celebrated your “best valentines” and how your outlook is on it now that you’re a newlywed. Not to mention I also call my s/o Bear!
I look forward to continue reading 🙂
Christin@purplebirdblog responded on 14 Feb 2011 at 1:55 pm #
I much prefer the wildflowers to the vase of roses any day.
HUnter4086 responded on 14 Feb 2011 at 2:23 pm #
I am always so uncomfortable on Valentine’s Day, mostly because it has that air of being a manufactured event – yet this creepy pressure is still there! And the inner debate churns: If I assert that I don’t want to “celebrate,” does that give the impression of being so low maintenance or indifferent to romance that I don’t ever expect any efforts in that vein, at all? Or should I just go with the flow and accept any flowers or trinkety crap that flows my way?
In any case, today my boyfriend and I had a happy breakfast of pancakes and coffee and no mention of anything V-tinted came up. I sense we are both equally aware of the day, but we’ve established a trend of not acknowledging occasions like this, events that feel a bit awkward and forced. We are happy, but not overly demonstrative. If I was to receive (or give) a gidt today, I think I would feel embarrassed.
Veering off on a slightly new tangent, I feel sorry for men at this time of year, with all the low-quality options being pushed at them, and the pressure to Be Romantic (TM), and with prices inflated higher than ever!!
Most chilling are the roses made out of feathers that you can buy in 7-Eleven. That is some last ditch stuff.
B1 responded on 14 Feb 2011 at 3:19 pm #
I LOVE this post! I too would prefer a letter or a song instead of a gift. At least then you know that there was some thought put into it about how they really feel about you.
I’ve gotten so anti-holiday lately because everything is SO commercialized, every day seems to be a holiday of some sort now.
Anyway… Thanks for keeping it real Kate!
lk responded on 14 Feb 2011 at 3:40 pm #
I’m going to be the odd girl out.
I LOVE getting my V-day flowers. Mostly because it’s the only time I get them. He does have the added pressure that my dad is a florist though… so it’s tough. 🙂 I don’t need red. I don’t even need roses. It’s just one of those days where I like to be the girl who gets noticed for her flowers!
Though – I’d love a letter too. I might have to ask for one. 🙂
— lk
Joyce responded on 14 Feb 2011 at 5:57 pm #
This year we decided to make homemade cards for each other. Definitely more romantic, creative, and thoughtful than store bought. I also happily accepted the chocolates, flowers and jewelry!
San D responded on 14 Feb 2011 at 6:06 pm #
I always celebrate Valentine’s day by sending cards to everyone I care for to let them know I love them. I may not remember your birthday, but I have got you covered for Valentine’s day. I have a significant amount of single friends who for whatever reason have not found their “mates” yet, or have decided not to look, they are the first on my list to receive a Valentine Card from me. While those of us who are paired off in life may not celebrate in any formal way, Valentine’s Day really does shove to the forefront the idea of “coupling”.
Anneli responded on 14 Feb 2011 at 8:00 pm #
I love the love letter idea! :O If I thought there was a chance in hell he’d do it, I’d make my fiance do that. XD
I don’t really care what happens on Valentine’s Day, as long as I get to do something with my guy. The only tradition we have is that he always brings me chocolate covered strawberries – my greatest vice on planet earth! 😀 Hot wings sounds freakin’ awesome though!
Bee responded on 15 Feb 2011 at 3:51 am #
Ahh tacky present man traps! They’re designed to confuse and rob men of their money from the pressure they’re under. I’d be surprised if any man could navigate through the red and pink, laced, chocolate covered, purfumed items to find anything else. I’ve gotten myself into trouble commenting my opinions on engagement and wedding rings. Even so much as unbeknown to me at the time, two friends changed the metal choice based on a throw away comment I had made. Engaged folk certainly are fickle.
Erin responded on 15 Feb 2011 at 11:05 am #
I don’t understand why it has to be just the man that buys gifts. Like women are under no obligation to be romantic as well.
The only time I ever had a boyfriend happened to be during V-day and he got me a beautiful necklace and a stuffed turtle (cause I adore turtles!). Well, I’m not really that girl that is into jewelry so I kinda faked that I really liked it but I absolutely love the turtle (sold the necklace on ebay but still have the turtle :D).
My daddy did buy me a box of chocolates though <3.
Love letters would be awesome. But I'm also more of the snuggle with a good movie kind a girl so that would be perfect for me. Take out and a movie. Should tell my boyfriend that when I get one :D.
Jess responded on 16 Feb 2011 at 10:48 pm #
I agree with the letter-as-gifts sentiment. I never remember what my husband got me for gifts, but I treasure his cards and letters. I pull them out and read them when we’re fighting, or if I’m feeling lonely. It helps to know that someone really loves you enough to put it in writing.
Rebecca responded on 17 Feb 2011 at 8:27 pm #
Yes.
I made dinner for the Boyo this Valentine’s day,
and we watched Dr. Who while drinking almond biscotti tea.
And even though I’m a florist?
He still manages to bring me flowers that I love.
(compiled from two or three stores, and different solo bouquets…he never gives me carnations, bless him.)
The older I get,
the happier I am with quiet celebrations.
It’s good.
Happy first-of-many-Valentines, girl.
camelshoes responded on 18 Feb 2011 at 9:01 am #
I love getting flowers. The more haphazard the better. I like it if it looks like he picked them from the plant and made a posy himself, even though he didn’t. The best flowers I’ve gotten are ones he gave me for no particular reason other than he thought of me, on a day that was not a special occasion, and wanted to do something nice.
We don’t do anything special for Valentine’s Day. I want to show affection and appreciation on a day when I feel like it, not because there is a day when you’re ‘supposed to’.