I look amazing
I look amazing. No photo will ever capture it. I will probably forget about it by tomorrow. But right now, I look amazing.
Bear forgot his test strips (that’s a new one– usually he forgets his insulin), and I had to run down to his office with them. I hadn’t taken a shower, and I didn’t have time to pick an outfit, so I put on shorts, an old red shirt I never wear, and big leather boots. No makeup. No jewelry.
Apparently this was the sexiest outfit in the world. The guys on the street kept saying things as I passed. I pretended to be looking at my phone.
This is going to make my mom, my aunt Joyce, and plenty of the rest of you angry, but sometimes I really like getting checked out. Especially when it’s spring and I get to take off my coat, finally, and I feel like everyone is buzzing around everyone else, looking for a mate. I don’t know why that’s charming, but it is.
I was having so much fun, suddenly, getting checked out and called to. No one was saying anything aggressive. Just, “Nice!” and “Damn…” and “Hey! How’s it going?” The bouncer in front of the strip club said, “Well, hello there, beautiful!”
I get the sense sometimes that I’m supposed to be really offended by this kind of attention. That I’m failing as a feminist when I’m not. And I definitely am offended when people yell out really sexual things, like in college, when guys yelled stuff about anal sex at me on the way to the dining hall. But when it’s friendlier, and from a safe distance, I enjoy the obvious sense of my own attractiveness.
I made a stop in Bryant Park with some pizza, and sat down to eat it. (Click here for another post, one I really like, involving Bryant Park and beauty.)
An adorable blond girl, maybe in college, materialized in front of me. “Excuse me,” she said, flushed and smiling, “Are you Sara, from America’s Next Top Model?”
“No,” I said, startled.
“Wait– really?” she said. “You look just like her!”
“Sorry,” I said.
She bounded back to her group of friends and I heard them saying, “What?! She looks JUST like her!”
I grinned. It felt like everyone in the world could abruptly see my beauty in translatable, stereotypical terms. Life felt simple.
Inspired and shirking several obvious responsibilities, I went and tried on clothes, and I looked just like Sara from America’s Next Top Model. Even though I have never watched the show and don’t know who Sara is or what she looks like (though I did later look her up and learn that her name is spelled without an “h” at the end). It was enormously fun.
And then, on the way home an hour later, I was done. The guys were still calling things out to me as I walked by, but I was carrying stuff and it was starting to rain and I didn’t have an umbrella and my feet were starting to hurt in the boots. I felt like hunching forward, instead of putting my shoulders back. I wished that I could change my clothes, or put on a giant raincoat and go invisible. Enough was enough.
Finally, I was on the subway, and the guys across from me were looking at my legs in the shorts as I sat there awkwardly, averting my eyes and feeling a little trapped. And then a young woman got on, wearing a clinging top and a little skirt, and all eyes flicked immediately off me and onto her. I breathed a quiet sigh of relief. (Click here for a post about a time when I didn’t breathe a sigh of relief.)
I got home. I tore the boots off. The shirt felt too tight now, and I took that off too. And then the shorts. I put on a big t-shirt and sweatpants.
I looked amazing.
I am not Sara from America’s Next Top Model. I can go invisible for an entire winter. I can go invisible now, if I want. Or I might only be noticeable to people who already appreciate me. Or maybe I’ll put on those shorts and boots and shirt again someday and take the world by storm.
I vote for “all of the above.”
* * *
Un-roast: Today I love the way my hair sticks up the day after the day with the shower in it. It does anything it wants and sometimes I let it.
Kate on May 2nd 2011 in Uncategorized
bethany actually responded on 02 May 2011 at 12:14 pm #
When I see hair that’s sticking up and doing whatever it wants, I always think of the line from a Bill Bryson book about how he has happy hair, and in any photo, he is the one in the back whose hair looks like it’s having a party, listening to “Dance Craze ’97.” Hair like that always, always makes me smile.
oonaballoona responded on 02 May 2011 at 12:18 pm #
i love this story so much. i could see you on the train as it all started to unravel. perfect new york.
Lili @ Relatable Style responded on 02 May 2011 at 12:36 pm #
Oh I can relate 🙂 And I sometimes think, too, that I should be appalled by men calling out to me, but I’m not. When it’s just nice and respectful, I’m flattered. And I’m no less of an equalist if I am 🙂
Relatable Style
Sarah responded on 02 May 2011 at 12:51 pm #
Love your story. Yes, I like being checked out too (though at my age it doesn’t happen so much any more) and I also like having the door held for me, and my coat held for me to put on, and my chair pulled out. Doesn’t make me less competent but sure makes me feel like a woman.
By the way, I have seen your photos. You look amazing every day.
un-roast: I love the way I feel good about myself even though I need a shower.
Jessi responded on 02 May 2011 at 1:00 pm #
Hells yeah!
it feels good to know that others find you attractive… just go with it. it doesn’t make you any less of a feminist…
One of my favorite call outs was this kid from across the street (kid being a college aged student – meanwhile i’m… what? 29?)…
he yelled, “hey! nice boots! you’re stylin’ and profilin’!”
keep in mind i was wearing bright yellow knee height rain boots. i never thought they would make me sexy.. but i certainly felt it that day. 🙂
love your blog, keep up all the good work, and the sweet sexy thing that you have going on.. sweats or no sweats.
jessi
finnpuppy@gmail.com
Kayla responded on 02 May 2011 at 1:01 pm #
Haha, this was awesome. I gotta say, I don’t fully understand why feminists and whoever look down on women who enjoy that attention.
I mean, okay, maybe there’s a difference between women who dress provocatively all the time because they CRAVE that attention, but a lot of us don’t get that attention…hardly ever…and it’s a nice confidence booster when it happens! Though it CAN get uncomfortable really quick.
Whatever. I say, “You go, girl!”
M.Brenn responded on 02 May 2011 at 1:20 pm #
LOVE this post – especially after reading your link to “being the other woman.” It’s funny, I wrote a rant about this topic last week, and suddenly I’m stumbling upon all these wonderfully related stories. I sometimes feel guilty/ashamed/conflicted about my reactions to compliments/attention on the street. Thanks for reminding me I’m not the only one experiencing this – and that appreciating attention on your appearance is not “anti-feminist;” it really does just depend on the specific situation and the intentions of the person doing the complimenting. If you’d like, you can read “Pretty Jealous. And Why I’m a Hypocrite” here.
Emmi responded on 02 May 2011 at 1:48 pm #
I admit it, I watch ANTM. And when I first saw Sara, I did think of you – there is a resemblance. But I think you are much lovelier, inside and out.
One time a Mass Pike toll taker who looked like Santa Claus’ slightly edgier brother complimented my nails. It was December, and I had just gotten them done in a forest green and had a snowman painted onto one ring finger. “I like a woman who keeps her nails nice!” he extolled (pun not originally intended). It made my WEEK, seriously. It’s nice to be appreciated, even in passing.
Mandy responded on 02 May 2011 at 2:14 pm #
It IS good to be appreciated!
Over ten years ago (maybe even fifteen) I was browsing the racks at a department store when a young man (he may have been four or five) came dashing down the aisle at full speed. When he caught sight of me, he stopped dead, grinned at me, said “I like your boots!” And then he was off again.
I was wearing a pair of black suede mid-calf fringe boots that were so old the color was fading to purple. They were one of my favorite pairs of boots ever, and it was nice to have my taste confirmed!
I have had random strangers make occasional complimentary remarks to me over the years, but that remains both my most memorable, and my most favorite “getting checked out” encounter!
Unroast: Today, just love…me!
Megs responded on 02 May 2011 at 2:44 pm #
I have the days where the compliments catch me off guard and feel awesome and the days where I feel like I am WORKIN’ it and if it goes unnoticed, my pride is a little wounded. Sad but true. I like my efforts to be appreciated.
keishua responded on 02 May 2011 at 6:07 pm #
I love days like that sometimes. Sometimes, I want to be invisible but it it is nice to be noticed.
Joyce responded on 02 May 2011 at 6:46 pm #
Let’s talk.
Love,
Aunt Joyce
Deanna responded on 02 May 2011 at 6:58 pm #
I love being checked out. It doesn’t happen much anymore but the other day a man come up to me and asked if I had a license to be so beautiful. I was so happy. I never ever think of these comments as insults and I really dislike the 70s like feminists who find this insulting. We all need positive feedback.
Funny how your Auntie commented…ao cute.
Kate responded on 03 May 2011 at 2:05 pm #
@Joyce
Anytime 🙂
Rebecca responded on 03 May 2011 at 6:44 pm #
I love this post! My boyfriend always seems to complement me on my appearance when I’m not wearing makeup and haven’t done my hair. Makes me think I don’t need to give in to our society’s demands for “beauty.”
Desi@ThePalatePeacemaker responded on 04 May 2011 at 1:14 pm #
You ARE amazing. In fact, you’re my hero. I’ve never commented before, but I’m an avid reader of your blog and I kind of love you. This post is one of my favorites. That is all.
🙂
Eat the Damn Cake » Don’t do this ever. Really. responded on 06 May 2011 at 11:32 am #
[…] feelings about modesty and defiance. Recently, I almost posted a photo of my outfit from the day I looked amazing, but then thought it might be too sexy, and ran it by two people first, and decided against it. […]
Danielle Meitiv responded on 10 May 2011 at 11:02 am #
Love this story. And as a feminist I totally understand when you say you ‘shouldn’t’ enjoy this.
AND as that same feminist, I say your body, your sexuality, your opportunity to enjoy it,
You go girl!
I miss NYC – thanks for sharing 🙂
Roisin responded on 19 Jul 2011 at 9:01 pm #
Loved reading this.. I can totally relate.. you feel awesome being checked out 😉 and then there’s days when you can’t be bothered with the attention and just wanna hide <3
Eat the Damn Cake » how awkward is it OK for one awkward-looking girl to be? responded on 19 Sep 2011 at 12:53 pm #
[…] I knew exactly what she was talking about. Because I wrote about that day. Here it is. […]