The truth about mirrors
Here are the mirrors I look in every day:
Bathroom
Full-length, on the door
Subway window, while it’s underground
(ok, didn’t quite capture a window there, but you get the idea)
Compact that I keep in my purse
Except for the subway, which is a wildcard, I know my mirrors pretty well. And I don’t like strange mirrors coming into my life and trying to tell me things about myself.
Because mirrors lie.
Like cameras lie. I hate it when people say with a sigh, looking at an unflattering photo of themselves, “Well, I guess that’s the way I look.” The camera, in my opinion, is a rudimentary machine that is only rarely accurate. I’m convinced it could be a lot better, if people would stop telling themselves that it’s complete. I have a nice camera, and it is not even close to up to the task of capturing the way light falls in the woods. It can’t do it. When it sees something as complicated as my face, it panics. Clearly.
People say, “This mirror makes me look weird,” but they only half believe themselves. The other half is saying, “I think I might actually look like that.”
Mirrors are very sly. They aren’t to be trusted.
Sometimes I have this conversation with myself, in my head:
” But come on, you probably just look bad. You’re just unattractive, and you should get used to it and go on and win a Nobel Prize or something. I mean, if you’re unattractive, you’re unattractive…What’s the point in pretending?”
OK, it’s not really a conversation. A conversation is an exchange of ideas.
I am probably not going to win a Nobel Prize. It’s not even a goal of mine. (Not that I wouldn’t totally accept if someone offered.)
But here’s the thing: I don’t want to be unattractive. It makes me unhappy. It frustrates me. I cannot quite accept it. So I’ve decided that even if it was true that the mirror was speaking the truth, I would rather not believe it.
I am not a huge fan of the truth. I think people overestimate it. I think they overapply the concept. Sometimes it’s important (“Did you kill these men??”), sometimes it’s really, really not.
I would rather feel confident and good than have to struggle to accept something unnecessary about myself.
But it doesn’t even matter, because the truth is that mirrors are terrible. I know, because sometimes I see other people reflected in them, and they don’t look the way they actually look. And Bear never looks like himself reflected in the subway window.
“Oh, wow,” he says, noticing. “That is not good…I look–“
“No, you don’t,” I say quickly. This is the way I give my great wisdom back to the world. “You don’t look anything like that. I am looking at you right now, and that is not how you look. You look gorgeous.”
“But, look–”
“No. That is not you.”
I’m kinda a prophet. You guys should follow me.
* * *
Other mirror stories (I have many):” The model at the mirror,” and “Brides have to look in the mirror for a long time.”
Unroast: I like the way my ear looks with my hair. I’m an elf! Sort of.
P.S. Help me out– Is the current swim suit ad on this blog OK? It looked more like “cool bathing suits!” and less like “cover up your embarrassing body!” in the description, when it was pitched to me. And I almost got rid of it when I saw what it actually was, except that someone commented on the bikini post that people should have the option of wearing whatever type of bathing suit they want. Thoughts?
Kate on June 17th 2011 in Uncategorized
Mary responded on 17 Jun 2011 at 3:28 pm #
I just wanted to say, I love your hair. I’ve had mine short a couple of times but it doesn’t suit me. It certainly suits you, you’re adorable!
Kate responded on 17 Jun 2011 at 3:29 pm #
I’m not even sure if it suits me, but I don’t think I care, because it’s so much more fun 🙂
Jennifer Jo responded on 17 Jun 2011 at 4:41 pm #
Love the conversation with Bear.
And you have a great profile! So aristocratic.
Marie responded on 17 Jun 2011 at 4:41 pm #
You are an elf! Very cute hair- I keep my own very long, mostly because I have great hair, but also because I don’t think my round face would suit short hair.
About mirrors- I totally remember picking my usual spot in ballet class based on the mirror. Some mirrors made you look very slim and elegant, and some made you look like a ridiculous squatty something on stilts. If I was ever forced out of my usual spot, it would throw everything off, because I didn’t look like how I expected to look.
I still can’t pass any reflective surface without reflexively scanning myself intently, and I blame it on dance class.
Jak responded on 17 Jun 2011 at 5:18 pm #
I agree, mirrors and cameras don’t show objective truth. The ones in fitting rooms are the worst, I think. I tend to avoid mirrors and cameras at all costs. Every one of those reflections feels like a slap if it comes at the wrong time.
Your hair curl and ears are adorable 🙂
Kate responded on 17 Jun 2011 at 5:21 pm #
Damn, I totally meant to mention fitting room mirrors!
jeanie responded on 17 Jun 2011 at 8:25 pm #
I was just thinking about this before I saw your post. I’m subletting in a new place and I can’t get used to the mirrors; I can’t stand how I look in them. I’m pretty sure they’re cheap ikea mirrors that make me wider than normal, but you’re right, I can’t help thinking, “is that really how I look? I guess it must be.” Then I’ll go to the bathroom in a restaurant or somewhere with a better mirror and be surprised by how much better I look than I thought I did! It all makes me feel very silly, but I think I’m going to invest in a well-made mirror. I don’t want to have to go to public bathrooms to feel like I look great.
Also, subway reflections are the worst. My serious, I like to think mysterious, face gets warped into a dark-eyed grim reaper.
unroast: I like my skin today. Even though I’ve been using tons of 30 spf sunscreen, my arms and legs have turned a deep, pretty brown.
threegoodrats responded on 17 Jun 2011 at 8:56 pm #
There is a horrid mirror at work that everyone hates because it seems to highlight every single gray hair on one’s head, or every bit of skin that is thinking about becoming a wrinkle.
I’m horridly unphotogenic. I’ve always had an odd disconnect between how I look in (most) mirrors and how I look in photos. Recently I commented to my husband that I look terrible in photos. He replied “I know. Sometimes I see a picture of you and think ‘that is not what my sweetie looks like!'” I was so glad to hear that in fact, that is NOT what I look like!
Sigi responded on 17 Jun 2011 at 10:12 pm #
Ugh. Cameras hate me. I simply do not photograph well, and I avoid them where I can. And I know it’s not all in my head, because the same thing happens to certain family members too – what they look like in real life is *never* captured even remotely accurately by photos.
On the other hand, I wish I could take my bathroom mirror with me everywhere, for an instant confidence-boost. There’s something about the lighting and the angle … clearly I can never move house again!
Serena responded on 17 Jun 2011 at 11:56 pm #
Your hair looks so vintage <3 I love it.
Wei-Wei responded on 18 Jun 2011 at 2:44 am #
OHMYGOODNESS you’re an elf.
Pip responded on 18 Jun 2011 at 7:22 am #
You look adorable and definitely like an elf. At least the mirror thing can work both ways, I have a tinted mirror in the apartment I’m renting at the moment (which is totally weird, right? I didn’t buy it it was already there I swear!) and it makes me look awesome. your photo point was excellent because I already accepted the fact pictures don’t always look like the thing but never carried the logic through to reflections. x
Frances responded on 18 Jun 2011 at 7:42 am #
In Paris, if you’re cunning, you can get a full set of furniture off the street. You wait for someone to chuck out an old sofa, some drawers. Even a bed frame.
So one evening, on my way home, I ran past a beautiful full-length mirror. I ran back. Looked around, feeling like a criminal. Grabbed it and lugged it home, up four floors and into my bedroom.
It’s lovely nutty-brown wood, matches the assorted frames on the wall. But it made me feel funny to keep seeing my reflection. There I am. And again! How am I now? My hair’s gone contrary in the last five minutes.
I don’t need it. I have one in the bathroom. The mirror looks pretty in my room, but I don’t always look pretty in it.
And the solution? I thought straightaway, “ask Kate from Eat the Damn Cake”. Except that we are internet strangers. Can I ask you now? You started it after all…
Keep the mirror and learn to like my reflection? Or put it back on the street and not think about it so much?
Cameo responded on 18 Jun 2011 at 11:28 am #
Beautiful post. I love your openness and honesty. I think we all feel like this, no matter how we look. You are lovely. Leave it at that!
Jak responded on 18 Jun 2011 at 2:56 pm #
@frances You could do something else with the reflective part, if you still want to keep the frame. Put pictures in there, write on it, paint on it, etch it. Change it so there’s no more reflection but things you like to see instead of a distorted image.
A responded on 18 Jun 2011 at 8:44 pm #
love this post! i absolutely love photography (i’ve been doing it for the past four years) but i’ve never liked the way i look in most pictures, even though i (usually) like the way i look. aside from trying to be more compassionate in my photo-scrutinizing, i try to think of myself as a person in motion; as much as i adore photography and appreciate the moments it can present/preserve, no camera can capture the way i move or the way my fingers reach out or the way shadows change on my face, which i like to think are parts of how i “look”. an image can show what i look like in a static moment and maybe hint at what i might do before or after it’s shot, but i have to remind myself that pictures can only do just that- show what i look like in a split second, which is not how any non-machine (aka person) perceives me. no person can be reduced to a series of pictures, because that ignores the most beautiful “alive” part about them.
JessB responded on 18 Jun 2011 at 11:41 pm #
I can’t believe that other people think like this, I really thought I was the only one who has seen herself in a photo or a mirror and just been certain that I didnt’ look that bad, but based on the evidence in front of me, had to think that I did look that bad. Or not even bad, sometimes, just like that. You know?
This is a total revelation to me. As of today, I am going to look how I feel, and not how what a stupid mirror says I look like. And I am going to look properly at photos of myself, and get better at saying politely that I don’t like that shot, and would they please take another.
I am singing with happiness now! Great work Kate.
Deanna responded on 19 Jun 2011 at 10:14 am #
I do not photograph well. I think it has to do with my features and bone structure. My youngest daughter looks stunning in pictures and we most certainly look alike so I do think some people just take better pictures.
My shtick is that I don’t hate the way I look when I look in the mirror. while I’m not one to say I have great hair or a great body….I just don’t have ugly going on. However, I so rarely was told by others that I was pretty and men so often treated me like I was invisible that I just assumed I wasn’t pretty or at least not sexually attractive. Over time I guess I lost confidence. Oh…and I’m a size 2 so don’t think for a minute that slender women don’t have serious hangups
Kate..I was going to tell you that in LA they are doing this amazing exhibit on beauty and women. Jamie Lee Curtis is a big contributor to this. I have yet to go but my daughter went and told me it was very interesting. It’s all about women, their self hatred about the way they look, the media and the pressure to conform…you’d love it. I’d love it..I just have to find the time to drive into Beverly Hills and see it.
PS…I am so happy I am not the only one who things about these things and talks about it. I used to think I was the only one!
Kate responded on 19 Jun 2011 at 10:27 am #
@Deanna
I hope you get to go to the exhibit! I’d love to hear what you think about it! And thanks for letting me know. I always appreciate being kept in the loop!
Laurel responded on 19 Jun 2011 at 2:12 pm #
I actually kind of love looking in the mirror. It makes me feel vain, but oh well. I like full length mirrors because I feel like my body works better as a whole. The lights in my bathroom are horrible fluorescent, but even then, I like looking and seeing, yep, still look like me.
On the other hand, I think I’m really unphotogenic (at least, I hope that’s the issue 😉 ).
Abby responded on 19 Jun 2011 at 4:22 pm #
Excellent post, as always.
And, um, I don’t like the ad. You’re right, it is definitely, “Hey! Buy this swimsuit so you can cover your disgusting body up!” Yes, people should have the option of wearing whatever suit they like, but that ad is preying on our body image issues and not empowering us to be comfortable in our own skin. Implying that we can experience fun and comfort at the beach if we’re all covered up is silly. First, being covered up at the beach can be physically uncomfortable. Second, we can experience fun and comfort at the beach if we embrace and love our bodies and stop shaming ourselves for looking normal.
San D responded on 19 Jun 2011 at 5:14 pm #
I’ve made friends with my mirror, but not the ones in dressing rooms in stores. Somehow they show all of my flaws, but the one at home is kinder to me. Don’t know why. The surprise reflection is when you walk down the street in a reflective mood and look over and see yourself in the store window, and just for a nanosecond you wonder who that person is. And, conversely, I see a lot of people walking around in clothes that aren’t flattering at all and wonder if they have a full length mirror and what they see if they do.
Kate responded on 19 Jun 2011 at 7:03 pm #
@Abby/everyone
Ad removed! You’re right.
Emily responded on 19 Jun 2011 at 7:14 pm #
Beautiful post 🙂 I have also made friends with my mirror and my camera. I try not to ignore them but to use them to my advantage by highlighting and focusing on my favorite things about me. It’s like the unroasts. You can think about the things you wish you could change, but when you start thinking about the things you like, the bits of beauty and sexiness hidden all over your face and body, you can use reflections to remind yourself. Like the pictures of Kate’s beautiful elf ears! Gorgeous! I for one am in love with short hair on Kate and have been since she first cut it at 13.
Bethany responded on 19 Jun 2011 at 9:32 pm #
I sure hope you’re wrong, because those mirrors say a lot of flattering stuff about me. It’s so vain, but I love watching myself in a mirror. 🙂
Annabel Candy, Get In the Hot Spot responded on 20 Jun 2011 at 6:40 am #
Kate, I got half way through this thinking of my comment (can’t help it!) and wanted to say something sickly (but true) about how I love your hair and can’t you concentrate on that (or the good bits you love) when you look in the mirror?
So imagine my surprise when I got to the end and your pic! Wow, I am totally in awe of you now because hair is so good for hiding all the bad bits – the wrinkles, the spots etc. And you cut if off brave woman.
You dared to expose yourself and the funny thing is you look even better. Modern, chic, confident.
Haha, maybe I will be brave enough to cut mine off one day but not now, it’s winter here in Australia:) Maybe in the summer….
Sooz responded on 20 Jun 2011 at 11:04 am #
Hi. Interesting post. I’ve never enjoyed looking in the mirror. My reflection never matches the image I have of myself in my mind. I often don’t even look in the mirror in the morning before heading out the door for the day. Only later when I catch my reflection in a store window do I realize my hair is stuck up or my shirt is buttoned wrong! 🙂
Kate responded on 20 Jun 2011 at 12:29 pm #
@Bethany/everyone
I don’t want this to turn into a debate/competition/divide between people who think they look great in the mirror and people who don’t! I often think I look amazing when I look in the mirror. I also think I look different in different mirrors, and sometimes I look awful, which is the part I want to reject.
For everyone who loves looking in mirrors– hooray!
For everyone who doesn’t—seriously, you’re beautiful!
For everyone who experiences both (which is probably most of us)— you’re beautiful, and when you think you’re not, that’s the mirror’s problem, not yours.
Maybe that should have been the post 🙂
Tina responded on 27 Jun 2011 at 9:14 am #
I’m so glad I read this post. There is a mirror at work that I am sure always makes me look thinner than what I really am. 🙂 It would be awesome if my reflection really did look like that!
I hate the way I look in photographs. They never do me justice.
I happen to also love your hair cut. I just had a brain tumor removed four weeks ago and a good portion of my hair was shaved off. I am sporting the mullet. Business in the front and party in the back. Whats even funnier is I use to have hair to my waist and cut it off and then donated it to locks of love. I need to see if they do refunds.