couple's massage
When Bear and I went on our belated honeymoon, back in May (about seven months after our wedding), we went all out. We did everything honeymoon-y that the hotel suggested. We sipped champagne as we looked at the ocean, we had a romantic twilight (people are still allowed to use that word in non-vampiric contexts) dinner, and then another one of those. We did yoga together at dawn (Bear wasn’t thrilled about this). And, of course, we got a couple’s massage.
It was my third professional massage of all time. My first two were from a very cool woman who works out of a tiny place on the Upper West Side and wrote a guest post for me here. Bear had never gotten a professional massage. Neither one of us was prepared for how incredibly expensive they can be.
A couple’s massage sounds sort of romantic, or sexy, or something good. But this was awkward from the start.
I had scheduled it ahead of time. “Do you guys have a man? You know, for my husband?” That doesn’t sound awkward at all…
“Oh, yes, Jay is very popular. And you’ll take a man for yourself as well, then?”
“No, no. A woman.” Was I supposed to “take” a man?
“Oh, a woman…I see. Well, there are only a few slots left with that combination.”
We got one of them.
About a week later, there we were, in the lavender and cleansing-mud scented lounge area of the spa, playing with a boxful of sample homemade hand creams (which mostly smelled startlingly awful) and giggling as the neat man behind the desk pretended not to feel disdainful towards us. Finally, we were led into a room with two soft tables in it, where a tiny woman with a long braid told us to take a minute to “get comfortable.”
“Like, completely naked?” I asked before I could think of a better way to phrase it. I felt immediately incredibly ignorant.
“Um, yes,” she said, surprised. She left us.
There was a fire crackling gently in a grate behind two delicate glass doors. Above it, an enormous window opened on a view of the lush, downward sloping redwood forest, with rain sparkling everywhere. Ambient music hinted at ancient Native American rituals, and everything was as peaceful as possible.
We stood there, a good ten feet apart, looking at the shimmering forest. “Ok, let’s do this,” I said.
We took off our clothes quickly and, even more quickly, got under the soft blankets waiting on the tables. There was no time to admire one another. The woman with the braid might be back at any moment. With the guy named Jay.
We waited, flat on our stomachs, only our heads visible above the cloth. Like kids in sleeping bags on a camping trip, listening hard in case there’s a monster in the woods around the tent. It seemed like too much time had elapsed. How long was it supposed to take us to get undressed?
“This is a little awkward,” said Bear. “I feel kind of ridiculous.”
The rain gently flicked the surface of the window. The slimmer branches of the redwoods trembled. No one came.
And then, suddenly, there was a pop and the fire sparked madly, and a big log rolled out of place and tumbled forward.
We both made a nervous sound and lurched forward on our tables.
The log smacked into the little glass barrier, which appeared to strain for a moment, a space opening between its two subtle doors.
The burning log was going to fall into the room! It was going to light everything on fire! We had to do something! But we were naked. And the woman with the braid and the man named Jay were going to come in, right now. Definitely right now, while we were leaping around naked, trying to smother the log in the soft white blankets.
So, without a word, we chose death by fire, rather than risk humiliation, and we stayed on the tables.
The log stopped rolling. The glass barrier, bulging slightly, held itself together. And the woman with the braid and the man, also with a braid, named Jay, came in at that moment, having no idea about the wild drama that had been unfolding in that room and how much danger we’d all been in, only seconds before.
And Bear and I got our couple’s massage, which continued to be awkward. I couldn’t see him at all, and when I might have seen him had I opened my eyes, I felt creepy doing so, so I only peeked once in a while.
I was bad at being relaxed, and when the woman with the braid tried to manipulate my limbs, I kept trying to help her. It felt rude not to. She was moving my arm one way, and I moved it along with her. My effort took it farther than it was supposed to go, and my hand landed on her crotch. Instinctively, I closed the fingers, which resulted in me grabbing her crotch. She jumped back. I apologized. Bear wondered what was going on.
I tried even harder to go limp, but by then, all I could think was that she probably thought I was trying to feel her up. I didn’t know how to prove that I wasn’t, other than, you know, not do it, for the rest of the time. Which suddenly felt like a lot of pressure, since I hadn’t meant to do it in the first place.
When it was finally over, we stumbled outside, our hair greasy from the oil. The rain felt nice.
“Never again,” I said.
“Never again,” he agreed.
But I guess it was our last belated honeymoon, too, anyway.
(sigh)
* * *
Unroast: Today I love the way I look in jeans shorts.
Kate on August 22nd 2011 in Uncategorized
Takingbacksingle responded on 22 Aug 2011 at 11:58 am #
This was so funny to read! I have never done a couple’s massage but it does sound awkward. Also, the whole man/woman masseuse is also awkward. I once had a man and although he did not try to make a move or anything I felt super awkward because I was lying there topless while he was caressing my back. You should try a foot massage some time, they are amazing and not nearly as awkward!
Stephanie responded on 22 Aug 2011 at 12:46 pm #
You really have a knack for humor writing. You perfectly captured the exact feelings I have about getting a massage. I laughed until I cried. I must share this with my husband who didn’t understand why I was vehemently opposed to a couple’s massage on our 15th anniversary trip!
Beth responded on 22 Aug 2011 at 1:01 pm #
I think I deserve a massage. I think my masseuse might be gay…and it’s awesome. Strong man hands and gay. AWESOME.
(I left my underwear on the first time I went because I was uncomfortable…it ended up being more uncomfortable that way…)
Andee responded on 22 Aug 2011 at 1:03 pm #
You had me laughing out loud with this one!
Kimmy Sue Ruby Lou responded on 22 Aug 2011 at 1:07 pm #
you need to warn somebody before you do this…just snorted coffee through my nose!
Keri responded on 22 Aug 2011 at 1:17 pm #
Hahaha! That is totally how I imagine a couple’s massage would be like! 😀
mizlgw responded on 22 Aug 2011 at 1:21 pm #
no peeking? HAHAHAHAHA … this was so funny. thanks for sharing this and reminding me NOT to ever do this
Kate responded on 22 Aug 2011 at 1:24 pm #
@mizlgw
Eek! I totally spelled that wrong. Thanks for this comment. I fixed it.
Stephina responded on 22 Aug 2011 at 1:43 pm #
First off, you are positively wonderful!
Secondly, as a massage therapist I have to be totally honest with you. These akward moments you write about, they happen all the time. Seriously. I can assure you that more than once I’ve had a clients body part (hands/arms typically) touch my breast, thigh…sometimes by fault of my own. Not intentionally of course, but because I’m not totally aware of how much space my body is taking up. I would also say that probably 75% of people have trouble fully relaxing on the table and help moving thier head/limbs. We are use to it. It happens. I hope that experience didn’t ruin any future massage endeavors for you. I highly suggest going back to the cool woman who had given you bodywork before and be reminded how incredibly awesome it is.
Lastly, thank you for making me laugh. I loved this!
Keep smiling!
Kate responded on 22 Aug 2011 at 1:45 pm #
@Stephina
I kept telling myself that this stuff probably happened to her all the time, and she probably just thought it was funny or something. But at the same time, I was pretty sure that was the worst thing that had ever happened to her, and that it had definitely looked like I was really, really creepy.
Thanks for your perspective!!
Jess responded on 22 Aug 2011 at 1:49 pm #
Heeheehee like everyone else, I giggled out loud. In my very quiet office. My officemate must think I’m nuts. (He probably already knew that.)
I prefer female massage therapists for SURE. I’ve had a very good massage from a male therapist once or twice, but it was awkward. I never relaxed like I should have.
Liz responded on 22 Aug 2011 at 2:10 pm #
Too funny! I am not a fan of massages. I mean I like being massaged, but the uncomfortbaleness I feel usually ruins the affect.
I mention you and Eat The Damn Cake in my Secrets of Moms post today, I think I might slightly envy you. 🙂 And I’m not even the jelous type.
Hugs.
Virginia responded on 22 Aug 2011 at 2:58 pm #
Love this! I completely ADORE getting massages when it is just me and think they offer a thousand benefits science is only beginning to understand… but have never, ever wanted to get a couples’ massage. Because I have always thought it would be precisely this weird.
Once, my husband (back when he was still my boyfriend) came with me to a workshop that was teaching couples to massage each other (I can’t remember why, exactly, but I had to go for work? Hmm…). Everyone kept their clothes on, but they might as well not have… it was super weird and awkward and we too walked out of there saying “never, ever again.” Ah well.
Jen responded on 22 Aug 2011 at 3:31 pm #
Next time, look into Thai Massage (Thai Bodywork).
You leave your clothes on, so there’s no nudity weirdness. You could get up, fix the flaming log problems, and flop back down in your stretchy pants–no problem!
It leaves you more limber and energized than Swedish/deep tissue massage–so say many of my practice clients.
Rebecca responded on 22 Aug 2011 at 3:45 pm #
this was hysterical!!! i am very uncomfortable with massages, but i love having a foot massage. the trouble is that i can’t find anyone who will do one as they all say you need to do the whole body, etc. i wish someone, somewhere would do it my way!!!
the whole couple’s massage needs to be printed out and hung up everywhere!! it is the ultimate answer to why so many of us don’t EVER want to do one!!! thanks so much for your humor and the laughs!!
sera responded on 22 Aug 2011 at 7:44 pm #
hahahaha! I got a couples massage once… with my mom. The thing is, a couples massage never really seemed sexy to me and women seem to do that sort of thing in the movies so, what the hell? Yeah, it was still weird. I love a good massage, and I’m definitely willing to get one at the same time with my man, but I don’t see any reason to get it done in the same room. it’s just more expensive and weird. it isn’t like we’re going swinging or something.
Emily responded on 23 Aug 2011 at 10:38 am #
AAAAAH! That’s hilarious! 😀
jensketch responded on 23 Aug 2011 at 10:54 am #
oh man I cracked up – big knack with humour writing, I gotta say 🙂
My mom learned to be a masseuse while I was in high school. Talk about one freakin awesome way to learn about how to ‘get’ a massage. She’d practice on me all the time. Now I’m a pro.
It takes some ability to be comfortable with yourself in that situation, and to trust the person giving you the massage – but for the most part, they are extremely professional!
Dee responded on 23 Aug 2011 at 5:00 pm #
i really laughed out loud!! thanks.
Rogue responded on 25 Aug 2011 at 12:40 am #
What a funny story! Yeah, I wouldn’t go back for more massages after that haha.
HappyReader responded on 31 Aug 2011 at 9:00 pm #
OMG HILARIOUS. I love being that crazy girl in starbucks laughing at her laptop 🙂
Some Things… responded on 12 Sep 2011 at 10:36 am #
[…] Kate from Eat The Damn Cake is hilarious and so is her piece on the awkwardness of the couples massage. […]
Katie responded on 15 Sep 2011 at 11:29 am #
This seriously made out loud! I hate massages. Even when it’s just been me getting a massage I’ve found it excruciatingly awkward, so I can only imagine how horrible a couples massage would be. No thanks! 🙂
Katie responded on 15 Sep 2011 at 11:30 am #
Made me laugh out loud* (Sorry!)
Amy responded on 12 Oct 2011 at 10:31 am #
Whenever I hear about people booking spa weekends and/or massages it sounds very relaxing and luxurious. I have had one massage and I found the experience awkward, slightly painful actually, and I was also very oily and felt gross afterward. I’d rather have my husband rub my shoulders or head.