the birth of the world
Rosh Hashanah is the Jewish new year. Tonight begins the celebration of the beginning of creation– the birth of the world. That’s a big thing to celebrate. And tonight begins an intensive period called the Days of Awe, in which Jews are supposed to look very carefully at their lives and think about what went right and what went wrong over the past year. Were there people who they hurt? It’s time to apologize. It’s time to start taking responsibility.
Rosh Hashanah always comes up suddenly, even though it’s every year. I never feel completely ready, and then, when I think hard about it, I realize I am.
I am ready.
I remember the fluttering panic leading up to a piano recital, when I was a kid. I was terrified of messing up. I think I’m still scared of messing up.
I’m scared sometimes that I made the wrong decision when I decided to try to make writing my career. What if that was irresponsible and foolish? What if I never “make it”? What if I’m just messing up?
I’m scared that I’m not enough.
That I don’t look good enough, that I don’t think fast enough, that I don’t do enough of the right things.
Yesterday, towards the end of my one-of-those-days, my friend was taking photos of me because I need a horizontal shot for a big guest post I’m doing. As I looked through the photos, I thought, “That’s just a bad face. I have a bad face. And that’s it.” Photos always destroy me. “Maybe,” I thought, the way I always think when I see a bunch of photos of myself, “If I lost fifteen pounds…” And then, the usual follow-up, “And got another nose job.” The new crookedness of my nose, the fault of the surgeon, who never quite apologized, but came very close, is not as immediately evident in life as in photographs.
It was a low point. I haven’t felt that bad about the way I looked for a long time. It was a relapse. But tonight begins a new year, and instead of sliding into a spiral of self-doubt, I am going to let myself be ready.
I inherited this face (slightly crooked nose notwithstanding), like I inherited this whole world. It’s not perfect, but it’s mine. I made choices based on everything I knew. They might be wrong, but maybe that doesn’t even matter. Because messing up isn’t the point. Unless you’re a virtuoso violinist or an air traffic control person. The point is letting yourself be vulnerable. Did you put yourself into it? Were you honest about who you are?
Tonight, I’m going to sing in front of a lot of people. And I’m going to sing like I mean it, because I do. Because it’s important to me to let people see who I am. Even when I’m uncertain. Even when I’m awkward. Even when I’m afraid. All of that is OK, because I am there, participating.
I’m celebrating the birth of the world because I really, really like being alive. Because I want to take responsibility for my life.
Last night, my friend took an incredibly dorky picture of me laughing. I don’t look pretty. I don’t look the way I think I should look. But it doesn’t matter, because I look like me, and that’s a person who, at the end of the day, I am happy to be.
* Â * Â *
Unroast: Today I love the way I look in white. With black stilettos.
Kate on September 28th 2011 in Uncategorized
Laurie S. responded on 28 Sep 2011 at 12:44 pm #
I love that photo of you. You look happy.
And, I don’t think you’re “messing up” if writing makes you happy.
Drawing makes me happy. And, I stopped doing it for *way* too long.
Ashling responded on 28 Sep 2011 at 1:11 pm #
That’s a great photo! And a most wondrous, self-owning new year to you!
Courtney responded on 28 Sep 2011 at 1:35 pm #
Well, I and my portrait artist’s brain think your big nose looks great! Tiny pert noses get dull after a while, and if you’re going to have a face, you should go all the way and make it have some presence, right? Great nose for that. And I can’t tell that it’s crooked at all in that photo. 🙂
katilda responded on 28 Sep 2011 at 1:36 pm #
i never love pictures of myself laughing (triple chins, anyone? strange clenched muscles in places that faces shouldn’t have muscles?) BUT i’ve noticed that my friends/family always love those pictures of me. So i understand….with that said, i love that picture of you.
Carolyn responded on 28 Sep 2011 at 2:38 pm #
Kate, I think that’s a gorgeous picture of you.
gwen responded on 28 Sep 2011 at 2:40 pm #
I think that photo of you is lovely — you look relaxed and happy and effortless (and beautiful)! Shana tova.
Mandy responded on 28 Sep 2011 at 2:46 pm #
Kate
EVERYONE has days when they feel unattractive. Heck, I was doing great earlier this week–until I measured my waist. Suddenly, I felt fat–despite the fact that my clothes fit fine, and I look good either in or out of them. All it took was one stupid measuring tape to completely demolish my self-confidence. And I HATE it when that happens, because I know it’s ridiculous, and that nothing has changed since I measured myself…
But other people’s standards still manage to ambush me.
But, I get over it.
Sweetie, the only standards you have to live up to are your own. Just remember to be as kind to yourself as you would be to your best friend.
Gaby responded on 28 Sep 2011 at 2:52 pm #
Aw, Kate, but you look so beautiful in that picture! I know how you feel though, I’ve had my biggest lows just looking at photos of myself and being so ashamed of what I saw and thinking oh my God how do I even dare going out in public? Why do people talk to me? How can I stand being myself?
But that’s crazy, people like us both, people find us beautiful, hell, we are beautiful! You’re talented, and you affect so many people, you have every right to be exactly who you are.
I love how well you express yourself, you seem to take the words out of my mind and well…turn them into words when they’re more like jumbly mushy messy emotions in my head.
My favorite line is “maybe messing up isn’t the point” I’ve thought about this so much, and it’s true, it’s not really about whether you mess up or not, you kind of need to mess up. You need growth, steps forward, steps back, learning experiences, being human.
Ok, well I’m just rambling but I wanted to say how much this resonated with me and I hope you have a happy new year and beautiful service tonight!
deva @ deva by definition responded on 28 Sep 2011 at 2:57 pm #
The photographer in me thinks that you look amazing in this photo. Candid shots are my favorite ones to take because you can really SEE the person you are photographing. You look happy, and yes, pretty!
meredith (pursuing balance) responded on 28 Sep 2011 at 3:44 pm #
shana tova kate!
L responded on 28 Sep 2011 at 4:28 pm #
hey… i like that photo! it’s cute 😀
Raven responded on 28 Sep 2011 at 4:40 pm #
I think that “dorky” picture of you looks gorgeous, vibrant, and fully engaged in life.
Gerri responded on 28 Sep 2011 at 5:41 pm #
Beautiful post.
JessB responded on 28 Sep 2011 at 8:56 pm #
Wow, I adore that photo of you. I don’t know if that was the ‘dorky’ one you mentioned, because I don’t see that, I see the joy on your face.
It reminds me a line in a book I love, ‘Saving Francesca’, when she cuts her hair really short, and her mother takes her face in her hands and says ‘I love this face that I can see’, and the words sound casual, but if you know a mother’s love, you know it’s burning.
Anyhoo, I love that photo.
And I love that you sing at your synagogue. I am a lapsed Catholic who recently went back for a cousin’s Confirmation, and sang my heart out. Someone commented later on how lustily (they didn’t say that, but when do you get a chance to use that word? I had to go for it) I was singing, and I said that’s how God knows you’re there. It was a little joke, but I love knowing that God is there, and listening to everyone’s voices. And maybe thinking what a good job he did when he gave you that voice.
Jeremiah responded on 28 Sep 2011 at 9:04 pm #
I imagine Bear’s gentle hands cupping each of those delightful cheeks, each thumb snuggled along the length of that elegant nose,their tips pressed lightly against your closed lids…and loving everything he sees and feels.
Take it from an old man who notices things. You’re a lovely, lovely woman.
Enjoy!
Marie responded on 28 Sep 2011 at 9:18 pm #
Kate, you look so beautiful in that picture. And somehow you always say the right thing at the right time. I really, really like being alive too. Lovely post 🙂
claire responded on 28 Sep 2011 at 9:47 pm #
my beautiful and talented Kate, being sick is not anything I ever enjoy, but how dare this flu bug attack me now when I so looked forward to this holiday, and listening to your wonderful rendition of the holiday
prayers. I will have to content myself to Yom Kipper. Lol to both of you. Grammoo
Shannon responded on 29 Sep 2011 at 12:03 am #
I think it is a great photo! And by the way, if you love to write, you made exactly the right choice!
Anne responded on 29 Sep 2011 at 3:55 am #
Thank you for the conversation that is this blog. I never talk about the things that you write here… but I feel them… ugly, uninteresting, inadequate and scared of screwing everything up. I look at the picture that you posted above and I see a really beautiful person who appears to be very comfortable in her own skin and I wonder again what is wrong with me, why can’t I be beautiful and feel comfortable in my own skin. Your words have reminded me that even gorgeous, talented women like you feel some of the same insecurities that I feel and it gives me the courage to once again show my face in public, even if it is just at my local grocery store! I am so glad you write, please don’t stop.
claire responded on 29 Sep 2011 at 6:08 am #
Sometimes you just read things at the right time. I have had a couple of down days after getting married at the start of the month and seeing the pictures, and feeling… odd (i posted about it yesterday). But I thought you’d like to know that today your words made me feel a lot better. I normally just lurk here and don’t comment, though I tell many friends how amazing your blog is. But I thought you’d like to know that what you wrote helped x
shana responded on 29 Sep 2011 at 1:30 pm #
shana tova! and beautiful photo, really. though i totally get that “ick” about photos too…
Liza Roy Chowdhury responded on 29 Sep 2011 at 1:44 pm #
shana tova! you look beautiful in the photo!
San D responded on 29 Sep 2011 at 2:18 pm #
I think the pictures that others have taken of me are how I really look, and I think the pictures that I take of myself is how I wish I always looked.
Caroline Cakewise responded on 29 Sep 2011 at 6:04 pm #
Hey there! I really, really adore your blog. As fortune would have it, I found it just after writing a post that looks at the same kid of material you cover about body image [http://sparklesandcrumbs.blogspot.com/2011/08/though-we-travel-world-over-to-find.html – the rest of my site covers the dessert!! ^^] and I just wanted to say, reading your posts about noses and your own nose surgery really, really hit home for me. Thanks so much for your honest and inspiring writing 🙂
Helen responded on 29 Sep 2011 at 6:49 pm #
That photo makes you look like someone who is too busy laughing to worry about trying to look composed and pretty for a photograph. And THAT is beautiful.
Madi responded on 01 Oct 2011 at 11:15 pm #
I love that photo and I love your blog. Just wondering if you’ve come across the Humans of New York facebook page? https://www.facebook.com/#!/humansofnewyork He takes some amazing photos; they really show the beauty that is in all of us. 🙂
Sooz responded on 03 Oct 2011 at 11:36 am #
I never feel like who I think I look like is not what I look like in pictures of me or when I look in the mirror. I am always like, “who the hell is that?”. but I always feel like myself and so I just go with that…feeling like myself is waaaaayyy better than anything that shows up in a picture or in the mirror. so i don’t look. 🙂
p.s. did ANY of that make sense?!!!?
Kate responded on 03 Oct 2011 at 11:50 am #
@Sooz
It made perfect sense.
Jess responded on 04 Oct 2011 at 4:26 am #
Kate! I’ve read for a long time and never posted a comment, even though I’ve had loads to say (and will from now on) but I think that’s one of the most beautiful photos of yourself you’ve ever posted here! I hope everything went well with the singing!
Dave responded on 10 Oct 2011 at 6:22 pm #
Filthy fucking kike, you are next in the oven bitch
HappyReader responded on 12 Oct 2011 at 1:01 am #
The thing is Kate, you look BEAUTIFUL in that photo, not just pretty. LOL I love candid, laughing shots. And not to sound creepy but I clicked on the photo to enlarge it and boy do you have gorgeous teeth! That sounds so random written down hehe but you really do 🙂
Also, thank you for the lovely explanation of Rosh Hashanah. As a non-Jew (is that even a word?) who wanted to learn about the holiday, I appreciated reading about its significance to you!
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