boxing with models
Last night I had a dream that my breasts were bigger. I was bigger. I saw a picture of myself and I wanted to give myself a hug, because I looked so comfortable and squishy. And because it was a dream, I gave myself a hug. It was really nice.
(I had long hair again in the dream, too. Sorry, I’m bad at drawing hands.)
And then, the way dreams do, it shifted, and I was meeting all of these famous people somehow. I was in the back of a limo, surrounded by movie stars and the very rich. It was an uncreative American fantasy. Some of them were talking with me, but a moment later, this model got into the car. She had her blond hair pulled up, and her face had that taut look model’s faces have, and it didn’t matter what she was wearing because she could make those sacks designers are always designing look sexy. And suddenly no one cared that I was there. And it was clear that they wouldn’t care again.
(see? hands…)
I woke up in a cold sweat.
OK, I didn’t wake up in a cold sweat. That has never happened to me. Is that a thing? Has that ever happened to anyone?
I woke up thinking, “This is what you’re scared of? That no one will want to talk to you because the pretty girl came into the room (stretch limo)?”
Maybe.
No! Of course not!
Maybe.
I am afraid that beauty is a competition. That it’s a battle. It might be a war. It might be an endless series of individual boxing matches. You win some, you lose some, depending on the opponent.
That guy in the bar all those years ago talked to me for a while and then asked my hot friend to dance. That guy in the dorm picked me out of the crowd and ignored everyone else. And he was cuter. Or was the guy in the bar cuter? Well, whatever. They were cute in different ways.
The point is–I don’t want to compete. And I’m scared that I’ll be made to. That something or someone will pass me by because I’m just not hot enough.
You hear these stories about mothers who tell their daughters, “Honey, you’re pretty enough.”
Pretty enough for what? For everything?
No. I doubt it. Pretty enough means not pretty enough for plenty.
That dream wasn’t telling the whole story. It’s like a dream about missing your big important college final exam. The class my brain comes up with is always bio, because I am always supposed to name the parts of a cell. I have always just missed it. It’s always upsetting. Because I am scared of missing my final. But I’m not in college anymore.
A couple weeks ago I was at a fancy party in lower Manhattan, wearing a little black outfit that was not, I quickly realized, nearly revealing or elegant or even little enough. And I was talking to some relatively famous people when a flock of models came in. Flock seems right because they looked like tall, slender birds, tipping their heads nervously to hear one another. They appeared to have been invited just so that they could stand around being models. They stood together by the wall for a while before separating.
And when they separated, one of them walked by me and I smiled. And she smiled back. And then she stopped, and she held out her hand and introduced herself. She had a thick Swedish accent. We leaned close together, me way up, her way down, trying to understand each other through the pounding music. We did a bad job. But we tried. She gave me her card. And then I went back and talked to someone fairly famous again. And then she did.
And there was no boxing match.
There was no anything. I didn’t think for a second that there should be.
Maybe the thing that the dream was forgetting was that I could have started a conversation with the model in the limo. Or she with me. We might have gotten along.
The other night I had a dream that I gave birth to this alien baby that I thought might kill me. So I probably shouldn’t pay too much attention to my dreams right now. Unless….Unless I need to prepare myself. For an epic battle with my alien spawn! Bear! This is your fault! I don’t have ANY of those genes!
* * *
Unroast: Today I love the way I look in giant sweaters. And I mean really giant ones.
Update: So I got a cold on Rosh Hashanah morning, as Murphy’s Law commanded, but whatever! I was good. I looked out at all the people looking back at me, and I felt really, really good. And a little scared. But mostly good. And the day was so dramatic– the sun was incredibly bright and then suddenly it was pouring, and then these fat, gorgeous clouds rolled in, and then the sun fought a few of them off. And when I came home and checked my email, I had messages from people who wanted to publish pieces of mine. And it felt like a very promising start to the new year. L’shana tova back to my Jewish commenters from the last post! To everyone else, thanks for reading all the Jewiness 🙂
P.S. Did anyone realize that mince pie used to be the quintessential American food? I didn’t. Bear read this entire article aloud yesterday. And it was amazing. And I’m aware that this could not possibly be on topic. With any topic. But you should read it, if you have any curiosity about American life. Or mince.
Kate on October 3rd 2011 in Uncategorized
Sooz responded on 03 Oct 2011 at 11:42 am #
whenever another woman shows up (where ever I am) I always feel as if I disappear because every other woman is prettier and just plain better than me. i was conditioned to feel this way b/c of the put downs my mom made about me the whole time I was growing up (and a huge chunk of my adult life). i have to talk myself down from the ledge everytime. that’s the battle. sometimes (very few sometimes) I win. but mostly I lose.
Kate responded on 03 Oct 2011 at 11:51 am #
@Sooz
No!! I don’t know if this will help, but maybe you should read this:http://therumpus.net/2011/09/dear-sugar-the-rumpus-advice-column-86-tiny-revolutions/
It might relate a little. A reader just sent it to me, and I was inspired by it.
Aimée responded on 03 Oct 2011 at 12:30 pm #
True, beauty is too often seen as a competition, as if the “prettier” were stealing a part of our beauty as soon as they entered a room. When I feel dimished by the others’ beauty, I like to find one thing that makes each of us special, unique… and beautiful. Because I realized that the people I find the most beautiful are the ones that have a little something different from what we see on reality TV shows.
Couldn’t we all be pretty? Or would it be too easy, and we need to make things complicated?
Kimmy Sue Ruby Lou responded on 03 Oct 2011 at 1:16 pm #
i believe women at any age go back and forth on this issue, it’s a social condition…but i do know confidence is the most attractive thing about anyone, male or female…granted, it’s a little easier for men (at least i think it is) because they are not held to the same standards when it comes to viewing pleasure…and honestly, i’m at a point in my life where i’m way more comfortable being pretty enough, and i am…i am more likely to be taken seriously, more approachable and softer to the touch since i don’t look like a toothpick…and i do happen to know some really hot girls who are really lonely.
Beauzeaux responded on 03 Oct 2011 at 1:58 pm #
I’m almost 70 so I no longer give a shit about beauty. I admire it in others but I wish I’d known sooner that it wasn’t necessary for me to give a shit. Ever.
Now, mince pie I can talk about. My grandmother (born 1898) made mince pies at Christmas. As fresh/frozen fruit and produce became more readily available, they were made less often. One important fact about mince pies is that they can be made without fresh ingredients. She lived without refrigeration until the 1950s.
In the summer, she’d make blackberry cobbler from the berries picked on the farm. Once she moved to California, I don’t think she ever made another mince pie. They were a LOT of work, as the article describes and most people preferred pies without meat. (I don’t like them at all.)
Kate responded on 03 Oct 2011 at 2:06 pm #
@Beauzeaux
LOL!
My family was speculating that all the work making them was one of the main reasons they died out. I’d bye that. I’m scared to even make a regular pie. Seems really hard. But good for your grandmother!
bethany actually responded on 03 Oct 2011 at 3:23 pm #
This:
“Unless….Unless I need to prepare myself. For an epic battle with my alien spawn! ‘Bear! This is your fault! I don’t have ANY of those genes!'”
is one of the reasons I love you. 🙂 And I don’t even care if it’s weird to say that to a blogger I’ve never met. I’m pretty sure you’ll take it in the spirit in which it’s meant.
Another great post to read about how we shouldn’t point out our flaws to others, because chances are no one noticed them till we did: http://www.wardrobeoxygen.com/2011/09/best-way-to-ruin-your-appearance.html
Gaby responded on 03 Oct 2011 at 3:46 pm #
Not that I didn’t read and appreciate your main post but I want to comment on the “mince pie” thing, known simply as a pie or a meat pie here in Australia.
A pie is a wonderful thing that brings together workmates, families and strangers… okay that’s a little bit of an overstatement but the meat pie is a real Aussie favourite and most people enjoy them! The other day at work I went for a walk with 15 workmates to get pies and sausage rolls for lunch, and everyone greatly enjoyed Pie Day Friday.
Of course you can put many different savoury things in pies – bacon, cheese, mushy peas, mashed potato, or just plain ol’ chunks of beef and some gravy (my favourite). When Americans say ‘pie’ it’s weird to think you’re usually talking about sweet things, as here ‘pie’ is the savoury kind unless otherwise specified. A similar thing happens with what you call a ‘biscuit’, but that’s a discussion for another time.
Anyway I just wanted to let you know how another part of the world handles meat pies 🙂 ! I love your writing.
Kate responded on 03 Oct 2011 at 3:51 pm #
@bethany actually
Thank you!!! I’m perfectly OK with being loved 🙂
And thanks for the link. I liked the post, although, honestly, it touched a bit of a sore spot with me. People often tell women, “Just be confident! You’ll be prettier! Confidence is all that matters!” It is not that easy. Maybe I’ll do a post about that post!
Kate responded on 03 Oct 2011 at 3:53 pm #
@Gaby
This is really interesting. Thanks for letting me know about pie and Australians.
My brother-in-law recently moved to Australia, and he’s been telling the family all about the customs and mentalities he’s learning about. It’s completely fascinating to me. And makes me want to move there sometimes.
Raven responded on 03 Oct 2011 at 4:16 pm #
I agree that beauty feels like competition. It’s what we’ve been made to believe it is; that women should compete with each other for attention using their looks.
You might already have heard of this, given your blog’s focus, but just in case you haven’t, I thought I’d point you toward the trailer for an upcoming documentary called “MISSREPRESENTATION”: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6gkIiV6konY
My daughter is keen to see it, and I think it will pair well in some respects with another documentary called “Finding Kind”, which focuses on female bullying.
Beauty shouldn’t be a contest, and it shouldn’t be so narrowly defined. And female beauty absolutely should not cause the divisiveness and violence that it does between girls and women.
I think your squishy picture looks warm and wonderful. Maybe it’s your ideal self?
Oh, and don’t worry about the baby dream. I don’t know your stance on giving birth, but dream babies aren’t always about real children. While you might have a struggle to picture yourself giving birth or being a mother, it’s more than likely that baby in the dream is a creative project. Then again, I dreamt at 16 that I gave birth to a white dragon swaddled in its own wings, and later gave birth at 21 to a daughter in the year of the White/Metal dragon. *shrugs* If it’s at all prophetic, maybe it’s just a baby who will have different goals or a different way of looking at the world than you have. But more than likely, it’s a part of your creative with which you are currently struggling.
Be well!
San D responded on 03 Oct 2011 at 4:33 pm #
I never worried about a “beauty boxing match”, but I worried that I wouldn’t be interesting enough, that my conversation would be banal, that my jokes would fall flat, that my stories had no end, and that I wouldn’t get cultural references. And you know what? THOSE worries are more relevant now that I am getting to where I can take the train to NYC round trip senior citizen rate for $9.00 (yippie!!! that’s more than 1/2 off). J’refuse to be tossed away because I “look” like a little old lady!
Beauzeaux responded on 03 Oct 2011 at 4:48 pm #
@Gaby
Yes, I forgot that “mince” in Australia (and the UK I think) is what we call ground meat.
I make a raised pork pie now and again and it’s fabulous if I do say so myself. Also Cornish pasties.
American’s like savoury pies, too, they just call them pot pies. Otherwise, I don’t think they have a word for non-sweet pies. In Canada, we have both.
Nga responded on 03 Oct 2011 at 5:44 pm #
Yes, models are people, too!
Any chance you’ll write a post on Occupy Wall Street? I’d love to hear your perspective.
ckay responded on 03 Oct 2011 at 5:46 pm #
When I take the subway to work, I always feel disappointed when I see a girl in my subway car who is prettier than me. It has everything to do with the other dudes in the car–I feel disappointed knowing that they’ll be pining after her instead of me.
There’s so much warped about that mindset. To name a few:
1. The idea that it’s a zero-sum game. That if I’m not THE prettiest, I’m not pretty at all.
2. The reality that part (sometimes a large part) of my confidence is derived from how many men fantasize about doing naughty things with me
3. The fact that I’m actually HOPING that these random (let’s be honest) kind of weirdos are attracted to me.. what?! WHY?! Who cares
I loved this post, Kate. You put complex and sometimes embarrassing feelings into words, and you do it in a way that people can relate to and empathize with. Lovely as always!
Coastalharp responded on 03 Oct 2011 at 8:22 pm #
Mince pie….wow! I’ll forward the article to my 80yr old father who still regrets forgetting we had a mince pie waiting in the oven 4 years ago on Thanksgiving. He also still listens to Metallica and would love your blog!
KiwiMichelle responded on 04 Oct 2011 at 12:49 am #
Pies are an institution in New Zealand. The National Pie Awards make the national news 😀
Can’t go past a beef mince & cheese pie for lunch on a winter’s day.
Lexie responded on 04 Oct 2011 at 1:31 am #
Beauty has always been a competition. I think by definition nowadays it is just another word for it. Who can be the ‘prettiest’ the ‘thinnest’ who can exercise the most without looking to scary and ‘buff’ who can have the longest hair and legs … there was once a brilliant quote I read that said
‘If beauty hurts, we’re doing it wrong.’
I think society ‘Beauty’ and classical, dictionary-meaning ‘Beauty’ should be recognized as completely different things. Beauty nowadays means who can have the least cellulite; how is that a factor of ‘beauty’, having the least of something? And it’s a marketing campaign used to sell and manipulate us.
I don’t even know what beauty IS anymore. Because it’s defiantly not what I’ve been taught by society.
Kate responded on 04 Oct 2011 at 12:09 pm #
@Nga
People do continue to be people. But it’s also our obsession with our differences that makes us people!
I don’t think I’ll do a post about Occupy Wall St. It’s getting a lot of media attention and it’s happening here in my city, but I usually stick to relatively non-political topics.
But because you’re asking for my perspective, this is it very briefly: I love it when young people organize peacefully. I like it when Americans speak up and out and tell the world how they’re feeling and what they’re going through. The Occupy Wall St people aren’t clear on what they want (they want a lot of things, and that’s OK), but the implied and sometimes overt focus on Wall Street as their culprit makes me a little uncomfortable. Looking for someone to blame is not going to solve the problems they’re describing. And most of the people who are involved don’t seem to know very much about how finance works. So my feelings end up being pretty mixed…
Kate responded on 04 Oct 2011 at 12:09 pm #
@Coastalharp
Your father sounds seriously awesome.
bethany actually responded on 04 Oct 2011 at 2:38 pm #
Huh. I didn’t perceive the message of that post the same way you did at all. 🙂 I kind of got the same message from it that my mom used to tell me when I was in junior high and obsessing about my hair or my zits or whatever: “No one else cares as much about you as you do. While you’re worrying about what they’re all thinking of you, they’re too busy worrying about what you think of them to judge you!” Or, the flaws that seem glaring to me, probably no one else even notices. So I shouldn’t waste so much time and energy worrying about them, and should use that time and energy on something more worthwhile.
Kate responded on 04 Oct 2011 at 2:43 pm #
@bethany actually
You’re probably interpreting it right. Or at least, that’s the better way to look at it.
Like I said, sore spot 🙂 I’m sensitive about people telling women to stop complaining.
I do, however, think that it’s important to remember that other people are really, really not judging us the way we judge ourselves.
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