when did feeling unattractive get so damn normal?
Yesterday I looked in the bathroom mirror and I thought, “I want to be like that girl.” It was sort of an out of body experience, because obviously, I am that girl. How could I even have that thought? (I spent the day before fasting and singing from sundown to the next sundown, so that might have something to do with it.)
“Cool!” I thought, a millionth of a second later. “I am her!”
And then I felt proud of myself.
Good job– you thought such a nice thing about yourself. As though my subconscious is a kid who just shared her favorite toy with another kid.
She snatched it back again.
“Yeah, I’m her, but what’s with the pimples?” Suddenly, there are three on my chin. Three. In the same place. That’s unfair of them, ganging up. And the shape of the face– it’s off. Too long. Something is uneven about it. I can’t figure out exactly what. But I can definitely tell exactly what’s wrong with the eyes. Too close together! The lashes aren’t long enough!
Back to normal.
I realized that the huge majority of the time, when I look in the mirror, I am prepared to be disappointed. As though I just can’t get used to the way I look. Every time, I’m a little surprised that I don’t look more like whatever stupid image of perfect beauty is stuck in my head. Why am I surprised? And why can’t the surprise be the opposite kind of surprise?
I’ve had this face, more or less, since I was a kid, and the body hasn’t changed that much either. So get used to it already. Learn to love it already. How long does it take?
I was surprised by the realization that most of the time, I am disappointed by the way I look. That I am used to being disappointed. I mostly accept it. It’s just the way things are. It’s normal. It’s habitual. This is how the world works. It feels realistic. It feels like “why wouldn’t I be?”
I have a better question, though: Why should I be?
Some things get normal because we let them. Like bickering. Or slouching. Or not washing the dishes in the sink (which reminds me–oh god. I really need to). Feeling unattractive is like that, too. If you’re used to thinking of yourself a certain way, your brain retraces its steps automatically, like buying the same brand of deodorant even though you’ve really been meaning to try something new.
It kind of stinks.
(I’m hilarious.)
When did feeling underwhelmed, unimpressed, and even disappointed by my own face become normal? I don’t know. It’s been a gradual process. One that I am going to try to gradually undo.
“Freeze!” I said to myself in the mirror, when I had that thought about the pimples and the shape of my face. “Rewind!”
OK, I didn’t say those things. But I stopped. I stopped in my tracks, and I thought, “Wait– what was the first thing that came to mind?”
It was that thing about wanting to be like that girl. She looks cool. She looks interesting. She looks like she’s confident. She looks like she likes herself.
Isn’t that funny? That I look like someone who likes herself? It’s not really funny– it’s really interesting.
At the end of the day, I don’t want to want to look like that image of beauty stuck in my head. I want to look like a woman who likes herself. I want to look cool and interesting and confident. When I turn out to be beautiful, too, I want to be able to accept it, rather than fend it off with flailing arms, shrieking, “Impossible! My eyes are too close together! My nose is too crooked!” What a lame reaction that is.
What a lame habit I’ve built.
When really, underneath, I want to be like that girl.
(my dad caught me looking in the mirror in the front hall a few years ago. He made fun of me, and then he took these photos, to capture my self-scrutiny. I think I look good in the pictures, but I am pretty sure that I wasn’t crazy about my reflection at the time.)
* * *
Unroast: Today I love the way I look in my ceremonial Yom Kippur robes. Even though they’re shapeless. And even though it’s over. There’s something about standing up there, singing, without makeup, without jewelry, wearing a glorified sheet and a prayer shawl, that makes me simultaneously forget that I’m supposed to look like anything while feeling lovely and powerful just because I’m singing strongly.
Note: For those who have no idea what I’m talking about– on Yom Kippur, a holiday about repentance and self-reflection, it’s traditional not to wear anything worldly. We’re also not supposed to wear leather, because leather comes from other living creatures, and ties us to the earth. So I wear these dorky Keds on the holiest day of the Jewish year. And no earrings. And a robe that is supposed to be a burial shroud, to remind me of my own mortality, which one congregant suggested I use as a bathrobe during the rest of the year 🙂 The whole experience is both humbling and pretty great. I want to write a piece about body image and wearing a burial shroud, but I’m really not sure how yet.
P.S. Has anyone seen the show “New Girl”? This post is reminding me of that song in the beginning. “Who’s that girl?! It’s Jess!!” Anyone? I’ve only seen one episode, but it’s playing in my head.
Kate on October 10th 2011 in Uncategorized
joanne responded on 10 Oct 2011 at 11:32 am #
This was a great post. I feel like women aren’t allowed to feel good about themselves, ever. We’re always supposed to be complaining about the weight we need to lose or the people we wished we looked like. I’ve heard insecure and mean spirited people criticize confident women – how dare a woman feel confident about her physical appearance and her existence.
Recent example – I wanted to dress up as something “cute” for halloween this year since I finally have plans and confidence, but hearing my new friends (both male and female) this year say horrible things about girls who dress “slutty,” and then chastise me for wanted to dress somewhat similarly, makes me want to hide myself in baggy clothes.
I also want to look like the woman who likes herself.
Finnley responded on 10 Oct 2011 at 11:58 am #
I am so grateful for your blog!
You do such a wonderful job of questioning the status-quo of negative self-talk.
: )
LIT responded on 10 Oct 2011 at 1:18 pm #
I love the New Girl!!! The “song” is so short- it’s super catchy.
Your post makes me think of positive affirmations. Personally I’ve never said them (esp. while looking in a mirror)- but maybe I should. Although I’ve never loved the way I look, either, I used to be content with my appearance. Somehow- I lost that along the way…
SO- I am pretty. I am smart. I’m a good person. People like me. Repeat.
Sooz responded on 10 Oct 2011 at 1:28 pm #
Love this post! Love the new show “New Girl”! Love YOU! Keep up the good work, lady!
Kate responded on 10 Oct 2011 at 1:33 pm #
I’m kind of a sucker for shows about awkward women. Especially when they actually seem awkward, and not, like, perfect-pretending-to-be-awkward. I think I believe Zooey Deschanel because she was in Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy. And that is dorky.
Lynelle responded on 10 Oct 2011 at 1:34 pm #
I had headshots taken when I wanted to start auditioning for short films. I loved them. I loved seeing myself on the screen, too – it was like I could separate myself entirely from the images in a way I can’t when I’m looking in a mirror.
Rebecca responded on 10 Oct 2011 at 1:39 pm #
i have been really dealing with a super negative self-image problem and super negative self-talk. so, typical of me, i bought a book that turned out to be a gift from God! the book is called beautiful you: a daily guide to radical self-acceptance. it’s a great book!!
one day’s activity was to name the negative talker that tells me constantly that i am not… just about everything fits into those dots! anyway, i named her mildred. now i laugh out loud when i hear myself say things like, “mildred is really riding that broom high today.” well, i say lots of goofy things about old mildred… and it helps because i am taking back so many things. and, having named this wild evil-doer that flies through my thoughts, it makes it so much easier to laugh at her… out loud… literally.
what would you name your negative self-talker… if you were to name her?
Ashley responded on 10 Oct 2011 at 2:02 pm #
Great post, I enjoyed reading. You are very beautiful by the way. You have a very recognizable face, kind of like an actress face. Very distinct with lots of character.
Kate responded on 10 Oct 2011 at 2:30 pm #
@Joanne
I say go for it– pick the costume you want. That’s what halloween is for!!
Stephina responded on 10 Oct 2011 at 2:38 pm #
I hope you saw the last episode. She is a hoot!
“I like to peck my head like this because it’s more realistic”
As an add-on to LIT, I am a true believer in positive affirmations. Because of this, our bathroom mirror has become our message board. Notes to each other, positive words. Currently it houses: breathe. live for today. love. hydrate. stretch. you are beautiful.
I find that even reading those words every morning helps start the day off right.
and Kate…you are hilarious!
Kate responded on 10 Oct 2011 at 2:40 pm #
@Stephina
I like the idea of bathroom mirror as message board!
Kate responded on 10 Oct 2011 at 2:42 pm #
@Ashley
Thank you! That was a really nice compliment.
This funny thing has been happening to me recently, with getting compliments about my appearance– I always feel a little guilty for them, like I don’t want to look like I’m asking to receive them. I don’t want to have a blog that’s like “Oh my god, I feel so bad, but look! I’m hot!” And at the same time, of course, I love compliments because, well, who doesn’t? It’s sort of a weird conundrum.
Amy responded on 10 Oct 2011 at 4:25 pm #
I absolutely love, love, love, my looks. I love my clear golden skin. I love my exotically shaped, dark brown eyes. I love my wavy auburn hair. I adore my soft pink lips. As a whole, my facial features have the right proportions and configuration to be considered beautiful, and I’ve been told as much. I also have a nice shape, a decent figure. There’s simply too much of it. My weight has been a constant issue all my life and the only thing I would change, and have tried (with varying degrees of success) to change ever since I can remember. I think age three was the last time I was a normal weight.
Kate responded on 10 Oct 2011 at 4:28 pm #
@Amy
Maybe you’re at a normal weight for you now?
Amy responded on 10 Oct 2011 at 9:05 pm #
I wouldn’t like to think so, since I’m still overweight. I just like eating the damn cake too much 🙂 Between babies I managed to lose thirty lbs. I need to work harder to do it again. Baby number two is now six years old. I’ve been lazy far too long.
When I was a girl my mother told me that no matter what you think is wrong with you, there’s someone else out there that envies what you have.
martabs responded on 11 Oct 2011 at 10:35 am #
kate i find that this “normal weight for you now” is really something to think about. at least for me. i had my first child when i was 20yro and my second at 23. i used to go on and on about how i was so skinny a month after my first and how after the second i kept 5kg-7kg. my dad told me “thats because you are a woman now, last time you were a kid. this is what women are supposed to look like”. i find myself remembering this words very often. my dad passed away 7 months ago, and me being a regular “negative self talker” love having this words, in his voice, to remember.
martabs responded on 11 Oct 2011 at 10:39 am #
btw im 26 now. i dont know if its worth mentioning it. 🙂
somewhere in there « Jiminy's Blog responded on 12 Oct 2011 at 10:14 am #
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