some reasons why I love being married
Yesterday, while Bear was at his conference all day, and it was raining, and my cell phone didn’t work because Verizon hates the beach, or something, my brother was going through a bad time, and I called him from the room phone and it cost $73. Which was truly shocking to discover and made me hate everything. I also read two articles about marriage, in honor of my anniversary. One was in The Atlantic. It was about the ways marriage is changing, and has become increasingly optional. The woman who wrote it is in her late thirties and single. It was good. The other was about getting married young. It was on Slate. The woman who wrote it was in her late twenties and had been married for a while. Both of them had my name. Almost.
I don’t often think about marriage. I didn’t think about it very much when I got married, either. I got the sense that I was supposed to. I was supposed to ask “what does it all MEAN?” I read Elizabeth Gilbert’s book “Committed.” I read “Against Love: A Polemic” that argued that monogamy was oppressive and awful. But mostly I just, you know, did my thing. For such a huge life change, marriage felt like an easy choice when I met Bear. The truest thing that people had said to me about it my whole life was “you just know when it’s right.” Which often makes me feel like I can’t really participate in the whole marriage conversation, because I think that one is more about working to keep your relationship strong and dealing with hard times. We might get there in a bit. But we’re not there yet.
Actually, I think my voice in the marriage conversation is totally lame a lot of the time, because I’m so happy with Bear. Like I said in the panic attack post (I’m sorry to keep bringing it up, I’m annoying myself, too), I’m not great at happiness. So it’s strange that I’m so happily married. And suspicious. Is something going to fall on my head soon? Something really large? Should I just shut up?
No! I won’t be silenced! Instead, I will write a list, now that our marriage has existed for an official amount of time. Reasons why I like it:
1. It’s really fun
I am the goofiest with Bear. I have like ten different personalities around him, and he’s totally fine with all of them (he has some of his own). One of them is a robot that says “RO-bot. Beep!” before almost every sentence. One of them is a bug. It’s complicated.
2. I feel like I’m wise
I’m really not wise. But sometimes I feel like it, because a lot of my friends are single, and I’m married. Which makes me feel older. And like I might know things about herbs and roots that the other women must seek my advice about. OK, not about herbs and roots. But about life. Maybe.
3. Sex
4. Constant snuggling
(this is the first photo of us together. It’s from our fourth date. I always think he looks kind of British in it)
5. I am so proud of Bear I could die
The other day, my mom said something about how there are a lot of smart people in the world. People like Bear. There are lots of them.
I was like, “Um, no. There are not a lot of people as smart as Bear.”
She was like, “Well, there are a lot of smart people, Kate.” I think she was just being reasonable. Not insulting him or anything.
“No,” I said. “There are very, very few people as smart as him.”
I realized that I sounded silly. But I was really serious. I think he is one of an extremely elite group of the few Smartest People in the World.
I’m also really proud of how muscular his chest is. And like a million other things about him.
6. Freedom
People say that marriage is the end of freedom. They don’t necessarily use those words, but they’re constantly implying them. But being married has made me a lot more confident. There’s always this other person, who I respect a lot, pointing out how cool I am. I feel much more capable of accomplishing stuff. I also don’t ever have to worry about finding someone. Done. It wasn’t like I was actively worried about that when I was single, but it was there, always, in the back of my head. Which is really obnoxious.
(from our really, really short honeymoon. here’s the post. it’s actually pretty good)
7. The food
We love to eat together. I am proud of him for being such a good eater. This will probably change when I eventually have a baby and can be proud of the baby for being a good eater instead.
8. Feeling sexy
His obvious attraction towards me makes it pretty clear that I’m sexy. Although sometimes I challenge that in creative ways, by arguing that he’s just into the fact that I’m a girl. And then he argues that no, he’s into me. And then I argue, eloquently, that no, I look terrible, and then he argues that I’m ridiculous, and then sometimes it occurs to me that I’m probably ridiculous. Self-awareness is important.
9. It’s exciting
Since I feel braver with him, I think we can do anything. And we just might. Or we might not. But that’ll be exciting, too.
10. It’s weird
It’s funny being called “Mrs.” The people at the hotel keep calling me that. Not sure I like it. Sometimes I’m talking with a friend about some guy she’s dating, and it occurs to me that I’m married, and I have this moment of “Whoa. Weird!” And I feel surprised at myself. And then I wonder what my 14 year old self would think about Bear, and if she’d approve of her future, and I’m pretty sure she would, even though if she saw us swimming, and he didn’t have a shirt on, she’d be a little put off by how hairy he is. Boys her age aren’t hairy. She’d be like, “He looks like Dad!” Which is another thing that people say– about how you marry a man like your father. And I can’t totally disagree. There are a lot of similarities. That went in a weird direction, but since this is in the “it’s weird category,” I’ll leave it.
I just realized that a lot of these reasons can apply to being in a relationship that isn’t necessarily marriage. So maybe I’m still bad at thinking about it. But they are all reasons why I married Bear. So that’s something.
Oh, and 11. His nose
It is so cute. I can’t get over it.
(from two days ago)
* * *
Unroast: Today I love the way I look next to Bear. Corny. So true.
Kate on October 18th 2011 in Uncategorized
Jessica responded on 18 Oct 2011 at 10:33 am #
I love this point (and your blog overall). I agree with so many of the reasons you love marriage (but obviously applied to my husband). I like especially the one about feeling braver. I feel that way too, like I can accomplish or face more things now with a partner than I could alone (or even while dating my husband). Like, we’re in this together now and can do anything. It’s a pretty neat-o feeling.
andee responded on 18 Oct 2011 at 10:44 am #
He does look British in the picture!
Marie responded on 18 Oct 2011 at 10:53 am #
I’m a young married too, and I’m also a “never thought I’d be married this young, or this happy with being married.” I’m also a few years down the road from you, since our last anniversary was four years and we have added our little genetic experiment, now 18 months old. And even though we’ve only been married for 4 years, we’ve been committed for seven, basically since we met, when I was 18. I’ve always contributed a lot of the success of our relationship to the fact that he was a little bit older, and I basically grew into an adult in the relationship. Like, he taught me what be an adult was. Which now that I read it, seems like it shouldn’t work out at all…
I always look back on the early years, and my first thought is, “no way am I old enough to have a seven-year relationship!” and the second is “what the hell did he see that I don’t?” It is really interesting to look back and realize that yes, both of you were different people in the beginning than you are now, and yet you both still love each other and you are still committed to the relationship, to being each other’s family. Basically, even if you have rough patches, it just keeps getting better.
Samantha Angela @ Bikini Birthday responded on 18 Oct 2011 at 10:55 am #
I read the article in the Atlantic and was frustrated.
The writer points out that women have come so far and women have themselves become the type of men that they used to want to marry. But men haven’t kept up so there are fewer “marriageable men” out there.
She also states that social changes and the rise of women’s lib has allowed women to not have to “marry up”. We no longer have to to marry for the archaic reasons that made marriage a business deal to improve a woman’s life and status. We can marry for love.
I would suspect that this would be a good thing for all those “non-marriageable men” that have fallen behind. The men that aren’t high clas, white collar, college educated. Women can marry them anyway! Women can love them!
Except they don’t. And that’s what frustrates me. Why can’t these women be more reasonable and accepting of the “non-marriageable” men? They’re out there. They’re good people. They can provide you with the love and companionship that you crave. …I think this is an entire group of amazing men that are being overlooked.
Jennifer responded on 18 Oct 2011 at 10:57 am #
Happy Anniversary – I think you have this marriage thing figured out pretty well already! I’m really happy for you guys – I love seeing people get together who make each other happy. I got married at 19 and we just celebrated our 15th anniversary this year. I wrote a similar post with my thoughts on marriage on my anniversary too… you can read it if here if you’d like: http://diff-path.blogspot.com/2011/06/marriage-protips.html
teegan responded on 18 Oct 2011 at 11:19 am #
Ah! I agree about all the marriage points.
It’s to the point where I freak out a little when I feel sad or stressed because my MO right now is overjoyed & content & loved & in love & sexy & confident & snuggled, and it’s shocking the few moments that I’m not.
Which means it’s bizarre to think back to The Before, to feeling lonely and desperate and awkward and too chubby and scared and hyper-aware of every male on earth and a little frantic. That was the majority of my time before. I didn’t even think it was that bad. But now? I can’t imagine it. I’m so chill. I’m so relaxed. All the burden I placed on myself to keep my life on track is cut in half because I have this awesome compass/partner to share it with.
And the being-married-to-another-vegetarian-who-loves-spicy-things-and-garlic-and-hummus-and-wine-and-homemade-popcorn-and-makes-an-orgasmic-face-when-he-eats-my-homemade-bread-or-my-vegan-chocolate-cake-and-i-make-the-same-face-when-i-eat-his-eggplant-parm-or-when-he-makes-me-tea-for-no-reason is pretty freaking awesome, too.
T.K responded on 18 Oct 2011 at 11:58 am #
Kate,
This is the cutest thing ever. It makes me want to take your marriage and just pinch its cheeks. OK, that was a terrible analogy. Sorry. But this is just a really cute and heartwarming and beautiful list. It makes me feel kind of hopeful and less cynical all at once. I’m sure the feeling will pass but hey, at least a moment! You are so incredibly lucky and you totally deserve it 🙂
-Your Cylone Clone
Kimmy Sue Ruby Lou responded on 18 Oct 2011 at 12:46 pm #
T.K…I love your analogy. At 48 and having tried marriage a couple of times, well, the only thing I’m sure of is that the real test is how you handle differences. And communication is everything…if only one person can openly talk about differences, etc…well, the differences become mountains. Stay open! I will never be less than open…so, here’s hoping one day I find a man who can handle that. You obviously have…and you are both very lucky!
bethany actually responded on 18 Oct 2011 at 12:48 pm #
Yes! Yes to all of it. My mom married my dad when she was only 19, and although they’re still married and happy, they didn’t have an easy road, and my mom told me and my brother all our lives we shouldn’t marry so young, that if you love someone you can wait till you’re done with college and a little older, to make sure it’s what you really want. Sounded perfectly reasonable to me.
Then I met Troy when I was a sophomore in college. When we started dating, I was 19 and he was 25. He graduated that year and was commissioned in the Navy, and after he moved away I realized that I didn’t care about my college scholarship, I just really, really wanted to be married to Troy. So I took a break from school and we got married less than a year later, nine days before my 21st birthday, and moved across the country together. And it felt completely, perfectly right. Even my mom was like, “Yep, this is the right thing for you to do, Troy is supposed to be your husband.”
In March we’ll celebrate our 16th anniversary, and we’ve been very happy our entire marriage. No rough patches or big fights, just a lot of contentment and laughter and joy in being together whenever we can. When other people complain about their husbands, I just keep my mouth closed and listen, because my husband is so awesome and I don’t want to make my friends hate me because I am so blessed.
I’m so happy for you guys, that you have that kind of marriage. Long may it last!
Kate responded on 18 Oct 2011 at 1:16 pm #
Congrats! I married young (met my husband at 16, married at 20) and I got a lot of negativity from people about it. “How optimistic of you!” was one of the choice comments. I still feel like I went into it with my eyes open, and now that we’ve been married for over 16 years and have a couple of kids, other people can finally see what we have known all along. I agree wholeheartedly that when you know, you know – and it would be stupid to let the right person go just because you happened to meet them a little earlier than expected. One thing I can tell you is not to believe the conventional wisdom that marriage has to be some constant struggle, or that once “the honeymoon is over” you are going to fall into a pit of boredom. Just because something is common, doesn’t mean it is inevitable. It certainly hasn’t been my experience. It’s not that our relationship doesn’t change, or that we haven’t changed, or that we are perfectly compatible in every way – but those changes/ differences have been negotiated without much conflict, and we have had a lot of fun. Every relationship is different (some require more work than others) but just because the strength of your relationship hasn’t been thoroughly tested by some hardship or hasn’t almost fallen apart, doesn’t mean it isn’t as strong or real as any other. I’m still waiting for the supposed hard part, and I hope it never comes.
Dee responded on 18 Oct 2011 at 1:18 pm #
Happy Anniversary. It’s nice that you realize the ease of marriage when it’s right. I like your reason “Freedom” because yes marriage gives you freedom since your mate is your safety net so you can do or at least try anything and he will support you. I love all the corny sounding lines like “you are the wind beneath my wings” and “you are my true north” because that’s how I feel about my husband – really. Because I can fly and I never get lost since he’s around. 34 years for us. 🙂
Another Kate responded on 18 Oct 2011 at 3:34 pm #
I love that you argued with your mom about no one being as smart as Bear, and that you really believe it! It’s sweet that you have so much faith in him! He’s lucky to have you. You’re lucky to have each other, and really do sound perfect for each other. Happy anniversary, and here’s to the rest of your lives growing even more in happiness!
Barbara responded on 18 Oct 2011 at 7:09 pm #
No arguments from this mom! I am so happy that we share an unabashed admiration for Bear in this fan club of ours. So proud of you, too, and happy for you both. Wishing you a very Happy Anniversary!
You can call me Jane responded on 18 Oct 2011 at 8:33 pm #
This is wonderful. I echo all your points on why marriage is awesome and I am so proud to be married and be happy about it.
Happy Anniversary, you two:-).
Kayla responded on 18 Oct 2011 at 8:34 pm #
This is adorable and I loved reading it! Especially since I’m getting married next summer! 🙂
Vanessa responded on 18 Oct 2011 at 10:14 pm #
Do you enjoy being financially secure and able to do stuff like flit off to MIA and not have a job-job bc of your husband?
Amy responded on 19 Oct 2011 at 10:46 am #
@Vanessa
Do you enjoy being jealous of other people’s success and happiness? Do you think maybe you’re just lonely and insecure? Nobody likes a hater…
Kate responded on 19 Oct 2011 at 11:53 am #
Thank you, everyone!
Kate responded on 19 Oct 2011 at 11:56 am #
@Vanessa
Yes, I do enjoy being able to tag along on Bear’s business trips! Why wouldn’t I?
And I have a job. Actually, I have several. Did you not read the posts about the high holidays? Not everyone has a traditional job these days, as you may have noticed.
San D responded on 19 Oct 2011 at 3:51 pm #
@Vanessa
Bad form to rain on someone’s parade.
Annie responded on 19 Oct 2011 at 4:56 pm #
I loved this 🙂 I like all the points you made about liking marriage. Too many people are pessimistic about marriage, and I think if you have the right guy then it will work out great. Happy anniversary Kate 🙂 I got married at 19 right after I finished high school in 2005 and my 6th anniversary is coming up this coming Monday October 24. Sometimes it amazes me that I’ve been married for so long at such a young age. But I wouldn’t change it for the world. I’m happy and I wish you a long and happy marriage.
Kate responded on 19 Oct 2011 at 5:28 pm #
@Annie
It’s nice to hear from people who married young and are going strong! There’s a lot of disparaging talk about young marriage…
Kate responded on 19 Oct 2011 at 7:20 pm #
@Samantha
Just saw this. Interesting point. I’m not sure how I feel on this topic. I agree that if someone makes you happy, than you shouldn’t spend too much time second guessing that. But I also understand how there might be a lot of tensions that arise on both sides in couples where the woman has a PhD and the man didn’t go to college. But that’s maybe too extreme an example.
It sounded to me like there are also increases in the number of women who are marrying non-traditionally marriageable men. The article mentioned women being much more likely to marry shorter men, younger men, and men who earned much less than them. That’s good!
What I’ve Been Reading Part Deux « J.L. Clark responded on 20 Oct 2011 at 10:33 am #
[…] Kate from Eat the Damn Cake should really get out of my head. Seriously though, I feel almost the EXACT SAME WAY about my marriage. […]
Things to celebrate: transitions, people, Tom « Dances For Dull Moments responded on 21 Oct 2011 at 1:54 pm #
[…] Kate Fridkis writing about why she loves being married (my favorite reason being ‘freedom’- which she beautifully […]
Kate the Fourth responded on 24 Oct 2011 at 9:37 pm #
Hi! I love your thoughtful blog, and the discussions it sparks. First time commenter here to promote “non-marriageable” men. I was tickled to note that I am your extreme example–I’m a doctoral student and my husband took a quarter at community college and decided that was not his path. He’s an intelligent man, a successful, hard worker and is such a wonderful, down-to-earth counterpoint to my high-strung academic nature–and has many wonderful similar friends (ladies?). I am grateful for his perspective and his experience every day! Whatever, education. I married up!
One of my best friends who also married young was once told point-blank that her marriage would stop her from accomplishing her goals. We were so mystified, and we’re both with you–marriage makes us feel strong and capable!
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