Aunts
This is a guest post from a reader who wishes to remain anonymous. Here are a few things about her that she’s comfortable with me sharing: she is 27, lives on the Jersey Shore, works in the mental health field, and recovered from an eating disorder (she’s co-authoring a book about it). Here’s what I want to say about her: she is really, really cool. We’ve been having an email correspondence for a while, and I asked her to write something for the blog. Here is what she wrote:
I recall a conversation that I overheard when I was six or seven years old. My aunts, my dad’s sisters, were talking. They all would have been in their 30s or early 40s at the time. They were are all relatively successful (and relatively thin). So, I hope, at this point, that you are assuming that these women were discussing politics or their families or the meaning of life or anything other than what they WERE talking about: diets.
I did not hear the entire conversation, but I heard enough. What I remember is that my favorite aunt (favorite because she lived next door and I saw her most often) described her food intake for a day, at least for a “good” day. She said that she drank 16 ounces of skim milk for breakfast, ate a dressingless garden salad for lunch, and then allowed herself to have a “normal dinner” at night with her boyfriend. I wish I did not remember these things. I shouldn’t, I guess, considering that my memories of second grade are few and far between. But I do. And I also remember asking this aunt, who probably didn’t realize that I was listening to the conversation at all, “Aren’t you hungry? I mean, eating like that?” And I remember her reply, just as clearly as I remember picking up batteries from a local pharmacy yesterday. She said, looking sadder and more serious than I had ever seen her, “Yes, ALL the time.”
It’s hard to explain how I felt, hearing this as a little girl.
It’s hard because most of the people (older than 7) reading this blog have probably heard about diet strategies like my aunt’s at least a thousand times. You have also probably heard about even MORE restrictive diets and diets that recommend cutting out entire food groups and diets that are, frankly, just wacky. But this is what occurred to me at the time, having not heard any of these things before: “Wait, my favorite aunt is hungry ALL the time? Why would she want to be hungry? Do all women want to be hungry? Should I want to be hungry?”
The conversation planted a seed. And the seed grew. And every time I heard a woman, especially a family member, complain about her weight or talk about her most recent diet, the seed was watered, and the resulting seedling grew a tiny bit bigger. By the time I was nine, I had to make sure that every serving of packaged food I ate contained one gram of fat or less. By the time I was 12, I was a vegetarian. By the time I was 14, I was diagnosed with anorexia by a pediatrician. By the time I was 17, I was even more underweight, seeing an eating disorder specialist twice a week, and purging multiple times a day. And, by the time I was 23, I had been on various eating disorder units 20+ times and had been revived from cardiac arrest due to dangerously low potassium, the result of a combination of taking in virtually no potassium from my almost nonexistent diet and losing all potassium that might have “accidentally” entered my body, through self-induced vomiting.
I would never “blame” my family for my anorexia. There is a saying in treatment for mental health issues that goes something like, “Genetics loads the gun, and environment pulls the trigger.” The problem is that I hate this saying. It sounds so inevitable. It implies that a combination of genetics and environment will kill you (or at least leave you with a gunshot wound) 100% of the time. I believe that there is some room for choice. If I could rework the saying, I would compare it to a round of poker. “Genetics deals the cards, environment determines the number/skill of your opponents, and you play the hand.”
This is what happened to me. I was born with horrible anxiety (which was exacerbated by many life experiences). Because I was raised by a body-obsessed family (in a body-obsessed culture), my generalized anxiety was channeled into anxiety about the size of my body. I became very ill. But because I loved my family so much (for non-weight-related reasons), I fought as hard as I could to avoid being buried by siblings, parents, aunts and uncles, and grandparents. And I won.
Some people do not win. Thanks to years of inpatient treatment, I’ve met several of these people. I know far too many people who have died from eating disorders. It’s not that they had less “motivation” than I had; typically, they either had a worse hand or more opponents…and sometimes both. So, basically, I was very lucky. But this article is not for people who have had a diagnosable eating disorder or any other diagnosable mental health problem. I believe that my poker analogy applies to EVERYONE. You (and everyone else) are some combination of genetics, environment, and personal choices.
Genetics you cannot control. Environment you can control only rarely. But personal choices are, well, personal choices. You can choose to avoid discussing weight dissatisfaction and diets around the children of cousins, siblings, and friends. And if you are a parent, present or future, you can choose to teach your children to accept their bodies as they are. You can work on your own dissatisfaction with your body so that it will not be detected by your children. You can refuse to label foods as “healthy” or “junk,” and your children will grow up without these labels. And so on.
Not everyone in a diet-consumed family will develop an eating disorder. In fact, I have a sister (less than two years younger than I am) who could be a professional chef and has never expressed the slightest worry to me about her body size and a brother who, like many guys his age, can eat a bag of Doritos for dinner and remain rail-thin because he is so athletic. But there’s always a chance, however small, that something you say to a child (particularly if you say it multiple times, in multiple ways) will have a permanent impact. It may contribute to an eating disorder but it is more likely that it will “just” contribute to a lifelong struggle with weight and food. And, while the latter may not be as serious medically, psychologically it can be just as bad.
I’m sure that almost no one intentionally becomes the “poker adversary” of a member of the next generation. But it does happen. If I could give one guideline for avoiding this, I would fall back on a tried and true one, compliments of Mohandas Gandhi: “Be the change you wish to see in the world.” In other words, don’t obsess about your body in front of children. Don’t encourage them to try fad diets. And, of course, eat cake at their birthday parties. Your children will thank you.
* * *
Unroast: Today, I love that I have an indescribable hair color. My hair is naturally brown with so many (also natural) red and strawberry blond streaks that there are no words for it.
Kate on October 26th 2011 in Uncategorized
Kimmy Sue Ruby Lou responded on 26 Oct 2011 at 1:14 pm #
excellent guest post…well-written, to the point, makes perfect sense.
Shay responded on 26 Oct 2011 at 1:17 pm #
I’m sending this to my mother. She can’t seem to understand why I don’t want her discussing “diets” and “being bad” (on a diet) with my daughters. Excellent post, excellent blog. These voices needs to be heard.
Mary responded on 26 Oct 2011 at 1:38 pm #
I felt like this was written for me. My husband and I started a diet last Friday. We have a 5 year old daughter. Good reminder to make sure we don’t discuss it in front of her. Thanks!
Rebecca Jane responded on 26 Oct 2011 at 1:45 pm #
My mother is one of my biggest heroes and role models. I think it would break her heart to realize that one of my earliest memories is of getting to eat a special dinner because she was done with her diet.
This was a great guest post, really hit a chord.
Anna responded on 26 Oct 2011 at 2:02 pm #
This was so amazingly well written insightful and true. I grew up in a very similar diet/body/weight obsessed household and have struggled with eating disorders since childhood. It’s now as an adult I am able to sift through genetics, environment and personal choices.
Harriet responded on 26 Oct 2011 at 2:26 pm #
This is a powerful post. I have a great mother, and I’m very close to her, but she has a lot of food and body hang-ups and so do I. Much of her influence on the way I eat has been good– my mom always made lots of vegetables, lean meats, and whole grains and so that’s what I like to eat. But I’ve spent untold hours worrying about my weight and my stomach and my chin, in large part because she always worries about those things. It’s scary to think that I might pass this kind of thinking on to my own daughter. That’s why I love the conversations Kate starts on this blog. They really make me think about all the different ways that feeling uncomfortable in my own skin affects me and those around me.
Rebecca responded on 26 Oct 2011 at 2:52 pm #
kate, thank you for allowing a guest to chime in with something so fabulously said! i grew up in a house where people talked about weight constantly, ate when they were upset/nervous/mad, and my father harped on how beautiful my mother was when she had an 18″ waist (which she really did when they got married… then i came along). i have an eating disorder that came from the choices i made in response to this environment.
today’s message made me sad on the one hand… and ready to leap in the air and do a cheer on the other hand. thanks for saying what, i’m sure, so many have felt. YOU ROCK!!!!
Deb responded on 26 Oct 2011 at 3:03 pm #
Very powerful.
I have many, many twisted food memories of my mother. I remember finding her stash of Dexatrim and getting scared because I (somehow) knew they were bad for her. I threw them away. I remember her obsession with getting down to her high school weight. High school! I remember that she told me when I was 17 and 130 pounds that I was 35 pounds overweight. I remember being 8 or 9 years old and her turning me into her “diet buddy.” I asked for ketchup on my stupid, plain, hamburger and was rewarded with a look of profound disappointment.
I remember the look of glee on her face when I finally weighed more than her.
I never talk negatively about my body to my children, I never talk about “fat” or “thin” to them. We talk instead about what is “healthy” or “junkie” and how to make smart choices and listen to our bodies to know we are full. It’s one of my number one priorities as a parent – to not inflict food issues on my kids.
Very powerful post.
tian responded on 26 Oct 2011 at 3:35 pm #
My mom is a wonderful woman. But to this day she still compares herself to other women on the street–“Am I as big as she is?” And she jokes that she’s afraid to get on a boat because it might collapse. And she makes a face of disgust at her reflection in the mirror. I just wish I could make her feel better, but I don’t know how. And meanwhile, as I enter my last year before 30, my own body issues have taken serious turn for the worse–no doubt in part because I remember my mom telling me that a woman is at her most beautiful at age 28. It’s all downhill from here . . .
Spelling responded on 26 Oct 2011 at 4:54 pm #
Wowza! You hear about women talking about their body image issues with other women around their kids but I always doubted that the kids really absorbed it until now.
I will definitely watch what I say about my body around kids from now on. Thanks for a very powerful post.
Kayla responded on 26 Oct 2011 at 6:45 pm #
Gosh this is beautifully written. I’m seventeen and have suffered from eating disorders as far back as I can remember. I guess what makes me saddest about hearing older women talking about weight and diets is that I’m always kind of hoping that I’ll reach a point in my life when I become wise enough to leave anorexia behind me. But then I realize that women I respect, beautiful, strong women are STILL preoccupied with their bodies and it’s like … If these incredible women are still struggling, what hope do I have to ever accept myself? Anyway, a beautiful piece of writing, thanks for such a great post.
Anonymous Guest Blogger responded on 26 Oct 2011 at 7:18 pm #
I am so moved that so many of you have been able to relate to my story. It seems like many of you learned certain behaviors and modes of thinking from your mothers, in particular.
Shay, I’m thrilled you’ll be sending it to your mother. Hope it helps!
Deb, I’m so glad to hear that you have already thought of this with regard to raising your own children.
Spelling, your response made me jump up and down, seriously. If anything I wrote made a parent reconsider making dieting/body comments in front of her children, my work is done. Guess I can retire now. 🙂
Kayla, I am so sorry that you are still struggling with this illness. Unfortunately, waiting for all successful women older than you to change their minds about their bodies will just not work. (I tried it.) I hope you are getting help and, remember, it’s not too late for you to BECOME a successful, beautiful, strong woman who rejects societal standards and sets an example for a 17-year-old in your situation a decade from now. Keep fighting!
Jen responded on 26 Oct 2011 at 7:48 pm #
This is awesome! I really like the poker game analogy.
There are some thing we can’t change, and we can’t help, and there are some things we can.
I don’t struggle with hating my body, or with the eating disorder anymore. I sometimes wonder how I got so lucky…
Thank you for sharing with me!!!
Deanna responded on 26 Oct 2011 at 8:34 pm #
I had an eating disorder at a time when people were just learning about them. Sadly, in this situation I was a pioneer. It began when a boy at school (I was 15) told me that I had an ugly face and a cute body so I should be careful not to gain weight. I remember that day like it was just a few months ago. I had always been a healthy and hardy eater and my mom was great at preparing good healthy meals.
I went home that day and started a severe diet that lasted over 2 years and I went from 117 lbs to 88. It’s a miracle I survived.
Like the author said, it boiled down to a decision I made one morning. I looked at my ravished and skinny body, thin lifeless hair, dry skin…and said; enough! I started eating normally again and. Y the time I started college I was almost at a. Normal weight.
The media is destroying our self esteem. I is so much worse today than it was when I was a teen.
Ashley responded on 26 Oct 2011 at 11:45 pm #
I haven’t commented in a while, but I’m definitely still reading! I just had to comment today because I love this post so much. Having some professional and personal experience with both eating disorders and substance abuse, I think these words are so wise and spot-on. I hope readers will take this advice to heart. I just watched a fantastic documentary, “Miss Representation” about the portrayal of women in media, and your advice was also offered at the end of the film as a way to combat the negative body talk coming from our media culture. (Check out the doc’s website, missrepresentation.org; it is great!) Thank you so much Anonymous for sharing, and thanks, Kate, for posting!
Valeria responded on 27 Oct 2011 at 7:11 am #
I’m only 14 but a friend recommended I read this blog after I told her about being insecure with my body. Now that I look back, I see how this post can be horrificly true. I live with my aunt and mom and some of my most vivid memories are the ones where we all have to take family photos and my mom would always tell me to suck my belly in. I asked her one time why we had to do that if we were all skinny and my mom looked me in the eyes and told me women are never skinny enough. It hurt me a little to find out that I would never be skinny or pretty enough to my aunt or mom but that didn’t stop me from trying. Everytime they were on a diet I happily joined a long and when my aunt went to the gym or running, I would tag a long. I’ve tried to forget what they told me and, now, I’m slowly convincing myself that those things are NOT true.
Still, everytime I catch my body in the mirror, I frown a little and naturally suck my stomach in. I really don’t think my mom or aunt were intentionally trying to hurt me. They wanted me to be healthy and beautiful and now I easily stand up to my mom and tell her that I can be beautiful the way I am now. She’s always shocked when I say this but she always tells me the same thing, “Don’t ever forget that,”. I was confused when she said this but now I see that my mom wants me to be happy and confident, she just didn’t know she was channeling her insecurities through me.
I love your blog and shoutout to my friends who read your blog everyday too!
PJ responded on 27 Oct 2011 at 8:21 am #
Thanks so much for sharing this with us. Very well written and insightful and great advice.
Anonymous Guest Blogger responded on 27 Oct 2011 at 1:00 pm #
Again, thanks so much to all of you who took the time to read this and reflect on it.
Jen and Deanna, I am so glad to hear from two people who have taken steps to get well and succeeded. Obviously, this was not written for people with eating disorders specifically, but I appreciate the feedback from people who have “been there.”
Ashley, I am also happy to hear from someone who has both professional and personal experience with this disorder. I have had SO many women recommend “Miss Representation” to me that it is clearly something I must see.
Valeria, it makes me sad to hear that you are still getting confusing messages from family members about your body. However, you sound as if you are taking charge of the situation and trying to figure out the REAL message your mother is trying to give you when she comments on your body. I wish I had been as insightful as you are when I was 14. 🙂
Gerri responded on 27 Oct 2011 at 5:15 pm #
I found this story today. It kind of goes along with this post.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/lisa-bloom/how-to-talk-to-little-gir_b_882510.html?ref=books-we-love
Anonymous Guest Blogger responded on 27 Oct 2011 at 5:29 pm #
Gerri, that article was wonderful and I agree with every word of it, really. Thank you so much for sharing it.
Amy responded on 28 Oct 2011 at 8:45 am #
You know, I’ve been on this 1200 calorie diet. I log in my caloric intake via this app on my phone. The other day I knew my mother in law was going to be making her famous chili and I really REALLY wanted to eat some- so I skipped lunch in order to stay under my calories for the day.
Then, at dinner, I exclaimed, ” This is so good! I’m so glad I starved myself all day so I could have some!” Right in front of my 1 and 6 year olds…. I already regretted it even though the sentence was still coming out of my mouth. I felt so awful for admitting what I had done in front of my kids and can only imagine what my 6 year old was thinking- picturing his Mommy going hungry all day for a bowl of chili?
After dinner, my husband and I talked about how sometimes we forget how our kids are affected by our actions and words. The last thing I want for my son and daughter is for them to grow up remembering their Mommy starving herself JUST so she could enjoy some “bad” food…That’s NOT OK. And I’m never ever going to talk about diets again in front of them.
Anonymous Guest Blogger responded on 28 Oct 2011 at 11:09 am #
Amy, thank you so much for your post. I believe that it is unlikely that your son will remember this one comment, so long as you do not make similar ones throughout the rest of his childhood, which it sounds like you are committed to avoiding. You sound like a great mother.
While I explained my story mostly through a single event, comments like that continued throughout my childhood. (The story was only my FIRST memory.) I also remember many more that came later. I remember more conversations about dieting. I remember one of my dad’s sisters telling me that I must have gotten my legs from my mom’s side of the family, because my dad’s side had “thin and shapely” legs. I remember one of my aunts going on Weight Watchers and giving me her “points” book so I could do the same. I remember that she did this, because, while she didn’t think I was fat (yet), she thought my little sister was fat – she wasn’t – and that I should try to avoid looking like her. I remember my grandfather’s becoming a zealot of “The Zone Diet” and giving one of his copies of it to me. This was all before the age of 14, when I had “officially” become ill.
In any case, I applaud your attempts to be more careful in the future, but please do not fret too much about an isolated comment.
Fun for the weekend, 10.28.11 « tiny squared responded on 28 Oct 2011 at 12:17 pm #
[…] guest poster at Eat the Damn Cake talks about how important it is to be a good body image role model to young girls, even if you think they’re too young to […]
Ioana responded on 28 Oct 2011 at 2:38 pm #
When I was 7 I reached the 40kg milestone and my mother would constantly visit and tell me how she didn’t weight that much even when she was in college. It never seemed to get to me as much as my various other family problems did.
I guess it’s good to be from a good enough family that such comments are the worst that can happen?
Anonymous Guest Blogger responded on 29 Oct 2011 at 2:13 pm #
Ioana, you’re absolutely right. I never meant to imply that this was the worst thing that could be said or done to a child, only that this is something that otherwise wonderful, well-intentioned family members (mine included) can say to child and that it has the potential to do (completely unintended) harm.
Ioana responded on 31 Oct 2011 at 5:58 am #
But anything can get out of hand. I mean, the better off you are the more you will be affected by the little things. What is a horrible comment in a happy family is considered irrelevant in an unhappy one(case in point). Even once you get this out of the way, some other small, irrelevant comment will turn out of hand.
And things like diets or weightloss aren’t going to just magically not be there if the family chooses not to talk about it. You’ll hear about it on TV, on the Internet, in school and what not. Especially if you’re a fat kid(like I was), in which case whatever comment your mom makes around you will be worth nothing compared to the dozen or so bullies at school.
Sure, a bit of restraint is good, but in the end it won’t be what makes a difference. One’s own ability to not let things get to her/him is what does. Not obsessing about your weight in front of the children will only delay the inevitable. Not obsessing about your weight, period, and teaching your child to avoid doing so can make a change, though.
Tamar responded on 31 Oct 2011 at 9:21 am #
Ioana, what makes you think the guest blogger came from such a good family to begin with? Furthermore, there’s no relativity when it comes to poor judgment in how you talk about body image, or anything else, around children. It doesn’t matter what family environment you’re in; the point of the article is that EVERYONE should try to create a safe environment for little girls when it comes to body image. Hearing someone talking about being fat on TV is not the same as hearing a family member, or friend, someone you respect, talking about such a thing. And your advice to women to protect themselves from negative comments is to learn how to not obsess about your body?? Congratulations to you for conquering that milestone; you must have been blessed with a genetic predisposition for a thicker skin than any woman I know. For everyone else, that’s not a reasonable piece of advice, and I believe it will do more harm than good.
Anonymous Guest Blogger responded on 31 Oct 2011 at 1:30 pm #
Ioana, it’s sounds like you had a really difficult childhood, and I’m very sorry to hear that. I am also happy that you have learned not to let certain things get to you, but that is not something I was able to do as a young child and, sometimes, even now.
Other unfortunate childhood experiences that I had are really not relevant to the point I was making, except that between them and certain genetic predispositions that I had/have AND the fact that my family talked obsessively about weight, whatever emotional turmoil I had was channeled into an unusually deadly coping mechanism. Eating disorders are the deadliest of all psychiatric illnesses.
Also, it was not my intention to provide a comprehensive guide to parenting. I think people who beat their children, for example, know perfectly well that what they are doing is wrong. I was trying to give ONE example of something that well-meaning parents and people who spend time with children could do to prevent children with particular sensitivities (based on genetics, environment, or both) from developing a deadly (or even unnecessarily upsetting) problem. I apologize if I gave you the impression that talking about weight/diets in front of children is the worst possible thing a parent can do. That was never my intent.
tirzahrene responded on 06 Nov 2011 at 2:39 pm #
Beautiful and heartbreaking.
I recently left someone who I think would have supported me in anorexia. There were maybe two years out of ten where I was truly “thin enough” and “fit enough” in his eyes. The sad thing? It’s only since leaving him that I have gained enough weight to have a “normal” BMI for the first time in my life.
I am firmly convinced that if it weren’t for the fact that my mom always focused on health over weight/appearance and that I had an incredibly supportive family of many shapes and sizes that embraced us all as we were, that I’d be picking up the pieces of an eating disorder now. I was lucky.
Kate responded on 06 Nov 2011 at 2:42 pm #
@tirzahrene
I am so glad you left him.
Anonymous Guest Blogger responded on 09 Nov 2011 at 8:41 pm #
tirzahrene: Wow, I second Kate’s response. And I’m also glad your mom provided some protection against your ex-boyfriend’s unhealthy standards.
Sarah responded on 11 Nov 2011 at 1:20 pm #
I used to hear my mom and her sisters and my dad’s sister talk like that all the time. I responded by eating enough to get up to 250 pounds. Why? I don’t know, I’m just perverse like that in EVERYTHING I do, for some reason. But thank goodness for Weight Watchers, because I’m losing weight healthily and get to be surrounded weekly by people with healthy self-images! It’s starting to rub off on me 🙂
Anonymous Guest Blogger responded on 17 Nov 2011 at 12:44 pm #
Sarah, I’m glad that you wrote that. People respond to family environments like this in completely different ways and I’m happy you brought that up. Some people eat too much, some eat too little, some feel self-conscious about their bodies all the time, some develop anxiety unrelated to food/weight, and a blessed few are entirely unaffected. And I’m very happy that a healthy self-image is beginning to “rub off on you.”
Responsible Parenting – Teenagers and Self Harm : Online Education, School, Training Blog responded on 26 Dec 2011 at 9:25 pm #
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