Is everyone actually as inconsistent as I think I am?
I was doing laundry in the basement of my building today, crouched over, wearing a fuzzy green hat because my hair under it was epically greasy, and a red plaid shirt, and my period was making me feel like everything about me was gross, and this young, well-dressed guy came in and I sort of half turned, in case he was holding a weapon with which to murder me, but then it turned out he was normal and clean-cut, so I tried to smile instead, but it felt forced and awkward, like my mouth was twisty, and I said, “Hi,” but I hadn’t spoken in a long time, and my voice came out all low and croaky and weird and he didn’t respond, he just kind of raised his eyebrows at me, like, “Um….Oookay.”
And I went back to shoving my dirty underwear into the hole, hoping my pants weren’t sliding down as I bent over.
God, I can’t trust myself at all. Who IS that girl in the green hobo cap? Why is her voice so strangled and strange? Why is she so awkward that other building residents think SHE might be the one with the weapon?
I think of myself as incredibly inconsistent. I never know what’s gonna come out that day. Could be charming. Could be terrifying. Could be clever and cute. Might be The Girl Who Always Almost Forgets The Date of Her Own Birth. You know when you call the doctor to get a prescription renewed and they’re like, “Date of birth?”
It’s like “Hi, I’m just calling to–” “Date of birth?” “Oh! Um– yeah…three,six,eight-six.” For a second my heart speeds up. I think “I forget. Wait. What–Oh, right, I remember.”
That girl lives inside me. All the time. She might come out at any moment.
I realized the other day that I think of my friends as characters in a book. They each have a cool, quirky, distinct, consistent personality. That’s Jenny– she has long, smooth auburn hair, she is OBSESSED with tiny animals. She is kind of ditzy, but really smart, and she talks fast and always has something funny to say.
The other night, I was feeling off. Like twenty annoying things had happened that day, and I’d failed to accomplish anything I’d set out to accomplish. I met up with a few friends, and every single one of them seemed exactly the same as always. But unfortunately, I wasn’t. Weird Kate was taking the reins. I kept tripping over my words. I thought maybe they might be looking at me funny, thinking, “Should I be worried?” And then I thought they might be thinking, “God, she is not that cool, is she?” And then I thought they might be thinking, “Let’s just ignore her and talk to each other.” And then I thought that I was thinking about it way, way too much and that this was not middle school and that we are grownups now, damnit. I’m just glad no one asked me about my birthday.
I got home. I asked myself, “Is it possible that you are the only person in the world who is totally inconsistent?” It seemed unlikely. So, because I’m occasionally able to be logical, I decided to take this giant leap of rational faith and assume that absolutely everyone is inconsistent. I just notice it in myself more, because I’m self-absorbed. Or just because I am myself. Or some combination of those things.
But it’s kinda ridiculous anyway.
I’m going to dress up as myself for Halloween. The green cap is lying right there, on the table. It doesn’t take much.
Happy Halloween, guys!
Did you know that Americans spend $6.9 billion on this holiday? That’s what the New York Times told me.
But that was not meant to make you feel bad about celebrating!
* * *
Unroast: Today I love the way I look with red lipstick on. Sometimes I really hate it. But sometimes I really love it, and now is one of those times.
Kate on October 31st 2011 in Uncategorized
Twyla responded on 31 Oct 2011 at 7:33 pm #
Halloween doesn’t happen in Turkey.
My friend and I dressed up to go to a costume party. We walked to the bar with our costumes on and got all kinds of strange looks. It was kind of fun.
And I kind of felt like a crazy tourist.
Hannah responded on 31 Oct 2011 at 7:58 pm #
I almost always feel kind of inconsistent. Sometimes I go out and I’m great and charming, and then sometimes every joke I make falls flat, or I all of a sudden can’t stop talking or can’t start–but I don’t think other people notice it as much as I do. I mean, my friends will sometimes comment that I’m particularly “on” today, or off, or whatever it is, but not as much as I expect them to.
But then again, I pay way more attention to myself than anyone else ever does. So there’s that.
Also, I think this is my first time commenting, but I just wanted to say how much I enjoy your writing, and how often it tends to correspond to what I’m thinking. Also, I like your hat. It looks cozy.
Anna responded on 31 Oct 2011 at 8:03 pm #
Happy Halloween! @Twyla,
There is a student from Kazakhstan at my school right now, and when we were discussing our plans or tonight he said ‘What is Halloween? Is it a party?’ Thus began our determination to give this guy the best American Halloween ever.
Anna responded on 31 Oct 2011 at 9:17 pm #
I’ve actually been thinking about how recently, I haven’t been able to do anything consistantly well; I’m not consistantly good at sewing, writing, piano playing, contributing in class, being pretty, being popular, or being smart. It changes daily, but the fact that the way I look is on the list makes me think that maybe it’s all in my head.
Beauzeaux responded on 31 Oct 2011 at 9:19 pm #
“and every single one of them seemed exactly the same as always.”
And everyone else at the table was also thinking some variant on that and wondering what was wrong with THEM.
Trisha responded on 31 Oct 2011 at 9:39 pm #
Oh man, I am so with you. Some days I’m outgoing and social, some days I can’t seem to think of anything to say to other people. Some days I’m clever and funny, but most days I can only tell one of three jokes I’ve taken care to remember.
Lexie responded on 01 Nov 2011 at 2:11 am #
Inconsistency probably takes up 96% of my personality. Monday I’ll want cereal. Tuesday I’ll gag at the sight of it. Wednesday I’ll be in a shocking mood and threaten to bite several people. Thursday I’ll laugh so hard I probably run a high risk of pants-wetting. If you weren’t inconsistent, we would all become so … robotic. And sometimes I just like to tell myself being inconsistent is another way of being flexible.
In a strangely perceived way, it kind of is, isn’t it?
Erin responded on 01 Nov 2011 at 10:34 am #
I forget my age and birthday all the time! Ugh, it’s always so embarrassing.
I don’t think it’s so bad to be inconsistent. I actually think it’s very human. I sort of think the goal these days is to be completely consistent, (like the crazy increase in antidepressant prescriptions). I suppose it is a lot less scary to be constantly consistent, but I don’t necessarily think it’s better.
I know that was a bit of a tangent, but I’ve been thinking about things like this quite a bit lately.
Sooz responded on 01 Nov 2011 at 10:37 am #
I am inconsistent every single day of my life. It’s the defining quality of what makes me….me.
I’ve been talking to people more honestly about who i am and how weird and awkward i feel all the time and most of them seem to be able to relate. They all feel they are weird and awkward too and are just trying to make sure noone figures out how bad they feel about themselves. Everyone I know seems to try and present this shiny persona and really I think they are all just like you and me. unless i am more gullible than i think i am and those people are just pulling my leg. i’d like to believe they mean what they are saying. so…..
thanks for another great post.
🙂
Kate responded on 01 Nov 2011 at 10:45 am #
@Twyla
Funny!
ckay responded on 01 Nov 2011 at 11:36 am #
Haha Kate! You’re not alone in this. And, for what it’s worth, you never ever seem like a croaky inconsistent weirdo–it’s totally in your head. You’re always very well put together and charming and smart sounding, I swear.
I forget how old I am every time. Lately I’ve been saying I’m 26, but I won’t actually be 26 for another few months. WHAT IS UP WITH THAT.
Kate responded on 01 Nov 2011 at 12:33 pm #
@ckay
Thanks, girl! You have not seen my hair when it’s that greasy, and I hope for your sake that you never do.
It’s funny that you’re rounding up. Bear still thinks he’s 26. He’s been 27 for a lot of months. But 26 just feels like the right age to him. And every time he forgets and I remind him of his actual age, he groans and is like, “Am I really that old?”
Someday he will see how hilarious that is.
Kayla Lane responded on 01 Nov 2011 at 12:38 pm #
I don’t normally comment, and I realize this comment does not add much to the dialogue, but I felt the need to be heard: YES. SO MUCH YES. I RELATE TO THIS SO VEHEMENTLY THAT IT’S A MONDO RELIEF.
Thanks for writing this post. You make me feel sane.
Kate responded on 01 Nov 2011 at 12:39 pm #
@Kayla
LOL!! Right back atcha. Comments like this make me feel sane, too.
And I love the name Kayla. So pass that compliment along to your parents, please 🙂
Deanna responded on 01 Nov 2011 at 1:17 pm #
I hear ya’. I’m a mess around men and even though I am married and have been for awhile, I still have no confidence around men. I can speak in front of a crowd of 1000 people, teach a class full of strangers, interview for a job and have all the confidence in the world. Put me in front of a decent man and I feel like a walking gargoyle…
Your posts made me remember a time about 25 years ago. I was at a bar with my sister (we were both single) and she had a date with a guy who was meeting her there. He told her he might bring a friend for me. Well the friend walked in late, stood at the bar and looked over at us and then shook his head No. I felt so ugly then. I remember being upset and wanting my sister to leave with me. She didn’t want to go so we stayed. I still have nightmares about that.
I think that no matter how grown up I get, I’ll never get that image out of my head. I don’t think of myself as having low self confidence but I have an ugly complex that will never go away thanks to A%# holes like that guy at the bar. IF I had been a bimbo blonde with enormous breasts and an IQ of 80 I am sure he would have come over and I’d still be a bimbo but I’d have more confidence in my looks. It makes me mad but that’s sort of the way it is.
Kimmy Sue Ruby Lou responded on 01 Nov 2011 at 1:22 pm #
What a funny post! Thanks for interrupting my work day…I love it when ETDC pops up on my screen, new post…I always stop what I’m doing just to see what that girl is up to now. If you were consistent, I wouldn’t enjoy your blog so much!
Kate responded on 01 Nov 2011 at 1:23 pm #
@Kimmy Sue
Ha!! That is a cool compliment.
sara responded on 01 Nov 2011 at 1:28 pm #
@Deanna- What an asshole! Also, why wouldn’t your sister leave with you? No date is worth your sister feeling so awful.
On topic- Kate, I always feel inconsistent. From one day to the next I go from feeling great about myself, confident in my abilities, pretty and sexy to gross, awkward and a failure. 🙂 What can you do but shake it off and keep moving forward?
ps- I am procrastinating on an essay that was due an hour ago. It’s already going to be a day late, and I’m afraid I might make it two. Any suggestions for stopping an anxiety-related procrastination habit in its tracks?
Another Kate responded on 01 Nov 2011 at 1:32 pm #
You are definitely not alone there. Everyone has their moments.
And maybe it’s those ridiculous moments that enable us to really appreciate ourselves at our best. Like, “See? I’m NOT a total spaz!”
Hannafate responded on 01 Nov 2011 at 2:10 pm #
Consistency is only a virtue if you aren’t a screw-up.
Since I know that I am not perfect, I don’t mind not being consistent.
jss responded on 01 Nov 2011 at 2:45 pm #
@Hannafate, I LOVE that answer. It’s taken me 27 years to accept that I am not perfect and cannot be even if I try as hard as I possibly can. And I only even accept that very inconsistently. 🙂 But, you’re right; since I’m not perfect, I should be glad to be inconsistent.
Kate, great blog entry. Let’s toast to accepting that there are some days when we blank on our own cell phone numbers, lose our keys, and wear our greasy hair in a cap and others when everything goes pretty darned well.
Kate responded on 01 Nov 2011 at 2:58 pm #
@Sara
I don’t have any good advice. The only thing that helps me is to work on it. But maybe, set small goals like a really good paragraph, and then a break for something delicious to eat. And then another paragraph.
Marti responded on 01 Nov 2011 at 3:06 pm #
We are all a whole lot of different people wrapped up in one, and our various personas come out for different occasions. So what you call inconsistency, I call allowing various personas to come out and play. I recommend a book to you. Very interesting: Multiplicity: The New Science of Personality, Identity, and the Self by Rita Carter.
I bet there are a lot of people who like your wool hat/plaid shirt serial killer demeanor persona. OK, maybe not the cute guy in the laundry room, but others would really dig it. The trick is to really rock each of those personas and not despise them or berate them, cause, honey, they are all YOU!
Kate responded on 01 Nov 2011 at 3:08 pm #
@Marti
I love that you just compared me to a serial killer 🙂
(Not sarcasm, it really cracked me up)
Spelling responded on 01 Nov 2011 at 4:53 pm #
That’s kinda funny. But yes, I understand. I think everyone has those moments 😀
alissa responded on 02 Nov 2011 at 9:47 am #
Like others have mentioned, I can COMPLETELY relate to this post! I feel that way so often. After reading these comments, I think maybe most people do.
I just have to say (again) that your writing is just brilliant. Also, it amazes me that you are (only) 27. Your outlook/philosophy/musings on life just seem so beyond that to me. I am 39 and, looking back, I don’t remember recognizing some of these things 10 years ago-maybe I was just a very superficial, immature 27-year-old!
Kate responded on 02 Nov 2011 at 9:56 am #
@alissa
Thank you!
And 25! Not 27 yet…
Or did I get my birthday wrong in the post? 🙂
Kate responded on 02 Nov 2011 at 9:57 am #
But that made me feel good, because you made me think I still have a couple years to impress someone.
alissa responded on 02 Nov 2011 at 4:20 pm #
Ah! Sorry, but 25…wow! I must have gotten confused b/c you mentioned Bear is 27.
Alex responded on 02 Nov 2011 at 10:03 pm #
Hello! First time poster. I just felt I had to reply because I SO relate to this… Although, maybe a more consistent sort of inconsistency, in that I’m very different depending on whom I’m with. It’s like aspects of my personality totally change depending on which coworkers I’m doing my shift with that day, or between work friends in general and my boyfriend; and then REALLY different when I’m with my family. I actually get anxious leading up to occasions when these people are going to overlap in the same place and time, because WHICH ONE OF ME WILL IT BE, and will they notice?
Kylie responded on 10 Dec 2011 at 12:54 pm #
YES…yes yes yes. I always feel inconsistent and I just have to try to be myself but then sometimes I’m like well this is all myself and then I get confused. And then I’m different with different people and it’s all very confusing.
I wish life was easy enough that I was just one consistent personality. But of course not.
I’m glad I’m not the only one that feels like this.
qqlivebet responded on 06 Jan 2026 at 12:55 pm #
Sup gamblers! Heard about qqlivebet for live betting action. Anyone tried placing bets there? Good odds or what?