the guy I really hate right now
I really hate this guy. I won’t say his name because my friend told me “Do not use names on your blog. You’re really angry right now.”
I hate him.
So I got this really cool writing gig a few weeks ago. It was going to be steady. It was going to be big. I had just started. I was working with an editor. This guy. A guy who only asked me three questions about myself when we started working together: “Are you married? How old are you? How else do you make money, aside from blogging?” A guy whose followup question to my answers was “What does your husband do for a living?” A guy who, when I asked the questions back, told me that he worked mostly at a company that made medical instruments, but edited on the side because he just knew he was really good at it. A guy who chopped my pieces into little, awkward bits, made me sound like a robot, and then accused me of writing without passion. A guy who liked to tell me what writing was about. “To write well, you must first care. Care deeply,” he said, telling me I wasn’t doing that.
“There is nothing interesting about this piece,” he wrote, when I sent him a piece I thought would be pretty interesting.
And here is where I went wrong:
“Do you think you could express the same sentiment in a nicer way?” I wrote back. “It might be more productive for us.”
“I’m sorry that ‘not interesting’ seems like harsh language to you,” He said. He told me it was too bad I was so sensitive.
“It’s not that my feelings are hurt,” I said, “It’s that I think we should figure out an effective way to communicate, so that the editing process goes as smoothly as possible.”
And here is where I went even more wrong:
I added, “And just to clarify, that’s not an apology. As you are probably aware. But that’s OK. Let’s move on. Do you want me to send you a new piece?”
I sent him a new piece.
He didn’t like it. He didn’t explain why.
“Do you want me to try again?” I said. “Maybe you could give me an idea what you’re looking for?”
But he wasn’t interested. He told his boss he couldn’t work with me, that he didn’t like my writing, and his boss fired me. Just like that. One paycheck. Done.
When I saw her name pop up on my phone, I knew. The way you know when all of your tingly animal instincts suddenly kick in at once.
She was very sorry. Very, very sorry, she said. She thought I was great. Really great. But this would not work because the editor didn’t like me.
I think it was because I talked back. Because I told him that he hadn’t apologized and that I cared about how he talked to me. That I expected to be treated respectfully.
Mistake. Why did you think you could talk back? SUCK UP. SUCK UP. WHY DON’T YOU KNOW TO SUCK UP? WHY DON’T YOU KNOW HOW TO JUST TAKE IT. WHY DON’T YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT LIFE??
I have really, really hated a few people in my life. They have always been people who have power over me. Not friends who slight me or boyfriends who were mean. But people who make me feel helpless. People who I can’t hurt back.
When I was younger, every time someone hurt me like that, I wanted to become famous, just so that I could have some famous interview on TV and tell the world that they were terrible and stupid and make the world hate them with me. I wanted to have an undedication in the back of my New York Times bestselling novel. “This book is not thanks to the following people, who seriously screwed me over and who are some of the most pathetic, scummy people in the world.”
Two of them were college professors. The first one was the one I wrote about in my piece on Salon. I changed her name, of course. But not a huge amount. She found out I’d been homeschooled, and then she made fun of me in class. And then there was the professor who gave me an F because I missed a test. I had to perform Yom Kippur services that day. I tried to make it up a day late. He told me, in front of the class, that I was irresponsible. That I had failed.
I am not sure that I was entirely successful at not crying at all in class.
But an interesting thing happened. I later asked the professor who had failed me to be my thesis adviser, because he was smart and important and because I wanted to face him. And we became close. And he came to my wedding and visits me in the city occasionally.
He wouldn’t make it into my undediction anymore.
Which is what I am telling myself about the editor I hate. The guy who got me fired without giving me a chance. The guy who wanted to be really clear about who had the power. Even though I am a 25 year old freelancer and he is a 45 year old guy with a steady paycheck (that mostly comes from something involving medical instruments). It is probably not as bad as it feels right now.
It is probably a hundred times better.
Even if it’s hard to see right now.
Right now I want to destroy him. And I can’t. There is nothing I can do.
But sometime later, I won’t even care. The way I don’t care about the teacher who made fun of me in front of the class freshman year. She was such a small person in my life, that I can’t imagine wasting time on her now.
Just like that.
* * *
Does anyone have a story about being fired to share with me? I’m pretty sure reading some would make me feel a lot better.
Unroast: Today I am a little sick, so I love the way my stomach feels, because it isn’t sick, and I’m thankful.
Kate on November 17th 2011 in Uncategorized
Deanna responded on 18 Nov 2011 at 6:09 pm #
I’ve been fired…Twice from waitress jobs and one was unjustified. It’s a long story which I wont go into but basically involved discrimination,
Now for Mister Hoity Toity, if he’s such a great writer..why can’t he make it his living? He must not be that good. Also…I never really understood why some people (editors) feel the need to tear apart good writing. Your writing is very much from the heart. Indont get it
Deanna responded on 18 Nov 2011 at 7:12 pm #
I once was deprived of a well earned bonus. I had to leave the company as we were moving and I thought I had left on good terms. I would not let it go so I contacted my former clients and had them all write a letter of recommendation for me. I also contacted the CEO and the head of HR (It was a very large company) letting them know I had been treated unfairly. I not only got my bonus a week later, the woman who was my boss and had orchestrated this whole thing in order to pay one of her Ass Kissers more money was ultimately fired. Sometimes it pays to speak up.
Cate responded on 18 Nov 2011 at 7:25 pm #
I was fired for being “too nice”!!
I worked as a reporter for a little hometown paper and the assistant publisher fancied himself brilliant. I caught a story of a woman who was beaten and repeatedly raped by someone who broke into her home in the middle of the night (remember – this was in a tiny, tiny town).
I had the victim’s name from the police report but we’d never put a rape victim’s name in a story – he told me to. I said no and kept it out. When we went to press I saw he’d edited my story to put her name in it … I took it back out and the paper was printed without the name. The next morning – fired for being too nice. He told me a “real” reporter had to have a stone heart and that the lady’s name was “news”. To this day (10 years later) whenever I see him I want to punch him in the throat… but the woman’s name was never published and that was worth it.
Plus, my next writing job (technical writing) was wonderful – cool traveling and a TON of money!!
melissa responded on 18 Nov 2011 at 9:21 pm #
Taking crit is tough. Your writing is like a piece of you, especially if it’s something you really care about, and when someone doesn’t love it the way you do, it’s like they are talking to you personally.
All constructive crit is going to hurt the ego. There really isn’t any way that someone can say they aren’t interested in your writing and make you feel good about it. He thinks your writing lacks a voice?
I don’t know what exactly he criticized, but I agree with you that saying “it’s not interesting” is too vague to actually work with. What are you supposed to do with that?
I suspect that this guy deals with writers all of the time, and probably isn’t used to working with someone who takes critique so personally. People who tell you their honest opinion are the most important people you will work with. There will be readers like us who tell you everything is awesome and you can’t get better, but that isn’t helpful either.
He can’t help you while there is an emotional wall there, blocking all of the communication. But it was kind of dickish to just drop you like that. And I have to wonder from his questions if there was a little sexism at play here, too.
Erica responded on 19 Nov 2011 at 10:17 pm #
This guy sounds like a loser. I feel like most good editors should also be good writers, or have a good grasp of language, and he couldn’t express himself properly.
I got fired from the first job I ever had. After 3 weeks. I was thirteen, making like $65 a week as a CIT at a day camp. I didn’t 100% get along with the counselor, who just happened to be our boss’ nephew. And I just happened to get replaced by HIS boss’ cousin or something.
I learned about nepotism the hard way! yay.
Mallory responded on 20 Nov 2011 at 2:54 pm #
Just remember, you weren’t fired for a lack of skills or because you did something wrong. You were fired for doing something RIGHT. Your ability to speak up when you feel something is wrong, is what makes you such an interesting, honest and passionate writer. You write about feelings all the time, specifically feelings most people don’t want to acknowledge and certainly not talk about in a public blog. You are most likely not the first person that editor has not been able to work with and you probably will not be the last he has fired.
Deanna responded on 20 Nov 2011 at 5:08 pm #
Hey everyone. Kate gave me an idea about writing a piece on losing your job either fairly or unfairly. I had thought about it once before a long time ago, but this particular blog reminded me.
If you have a story and if you don’t mind me using it, please send it to me via email with the Subject Title: My Job Story. I will NOT use your name and I may make a few minor changes (artistic license) but I will keep the story pretty much as is.
My email is: DJpilates@aol.com.
I really look forward to hearing from some of you. This will be fun.
Val responded on 22 Nov 2011 at 1:30 pm #
I hate him too.
It sounds like he has one of those unfortunate personalities that we can all be grateful we don’t have.
Can you imagine trying to go through life as an ass? It can’t be easy.
I hope you never have to ever deal with him again. Ugh. I hate asinine people. love, Val
Adrienne responded on 22 Nov 2011 at 1:57 pm #
I got fired from a part-time retail job because they thought I was stealing money, which I’ve never done and certainly hadn’t done then. They took me up to the office and dictated this long apology letter to me that I was meant to write down word for word. And I did. Even though I knew I hadn’t done anything wrong.
I was so afraid that if I didn’t do it they would call the police and a whole thing would start that I didn’t fight. Not for my job, mind you. I was actually about a week away from quitting when this happened. But, for my innocence.
When I think about it, I still shudder at the fact that I didn’t stand up for myself more in that office. I still really wish that while they were telling me what to write I’d written down the truth and not apologized for something I didn’t do. I wish I’d told them to call the cops because I hadn’t stolen anything and I knew they couldn’t possibly have evidence to the contrary.
But I didn’t. And I hate that little bit of suckage from my working past.
Kate responded on 22 Nov 2011 at 1:58 pm #
@Adrienne
Oh my god. This story makes me angry for you.
Anna responded on 23 Nov 2011 at 12:35 pm #
As I was reading the last paragraphs about the unbearable fury of being helpless, I was agreeing with you sentence for sentence. I don’t have a firing story, but I have almost identical professor ones, and one that I am currently dealing with. “She was such a small person in my life, that I can’t imagine wasting time on her now.” is exactly what I needed to hear right now. Thank you for this post.
Em responded on 23 Nov 2011 at 3:28 pm #
I’ve been fired twice, two jobs in a row! In undergrad I worked in a restaurant run by misogynistic, sexual harassment superfans. It was kind of a fancy restaurant and they wanted the waitresses to wear heavy makeup, do our hair, press our uniforms, etc. and never took it seriously when I complained about harassment from customers, like one guy who literally grabbed my ass three or four times in one visit to the place. A customer ordered salmon, and when I brought it to her she asked for tartar sauce. I explained that we didn’t have it, and apologized. She asked if I could ask in the kitchen if they could make her some. I did– the chef became irate. He screamed at me, “You think we make tartar sauce?! This is fine dining, not fast food!! You don’t know what you’re doing!” Later that night, the same chef fired me loudly in front of the whole staff for “pissing [him] off”. The diners had been so happy with how I handled the situation that they had tipped me $200.
The next job I had was working for a cray-cray professor at my school, in the internship office of the college I was in. A student had a document due for his internship and didn’t turn it in. When the prof asked him why, he said he tried to but no one was in the office– a lie to cover his ass. She believed him, and fired me on the assumption that I hadn’t shown up that day. The very next day, I got a job paying double what the internship office did, in another office on campus working for great people. I kept that job for 2.5 years and still use a reference from them.
So I agree with Deb: stuff works out, and you realize in hindsight that people will do crazy stuff when they dislike you for no reason at all. And that there’s really nothing you can do except try to laugh about it, chalk it up to a good story, and move on.
Beth responded on 23 Nov 2011 at 9:50 pm #
Fired and told not to list on references (for fear of “repercussions”.) V. supportive family-style law-firm. I’m senior paralegal, but very open about the fact that I’m trying to finish my bachelor’s as English literature is my first love. When schedule got complex, I presented the situation, boss asked me to stay, switched my work schedule around to work with my school schedule–and everything was great–for eight some-odd months, until his niece needed a job, I was told (screamed at, alone in the office) that I was doing a horrible job (first complaint, ever), accused of stealing office supplies, and told to leave. When I tried to file for unemployment, I found he’d created a file of documents about alleged write-ups and conferences (none of which had occurred) which precluded me from getting unemployment. Lesson learned: never work for a family company–no personnel department.
JessB responded on 24 Nov 2011 at 9:10 am #
Wow Kate, that is super harsh. I’m so sorry that happened to you.
I was fired from a job when I complained about being bullied, but first I was put through a performance management project, which consisted of impossible to meet targets to give them reasons to fire me.
It was totally awful, and at it’s worst, I actually considered getting hit by a car on the way to work so I didn’t have to go to work. It was that bad.
About a week after I was fired, I realised it was the best thing that ever happened to me. I have become a stronger person, more willing to say something about problems I have in the workplace (I didn’t say anything about the bullying till too late) and am about to finish studying to become a librarian (my life-long dream).
Hopefully, you will have a fascinating time reading all of our stories, and know that something awesome is right around the corner. Sending you love.
Leslie responded on 24 Nov 2011 at 11:12 am #
I think it’s wonderful you stood up for yourself, for your writing, Kate. I think it says a lot about your values which is about being true to yourself. I think it’s pretty terrible when people actually reprimand you for standing up for your values.
I was fired from my first job for being too quiet. Too quiet!! It doesn’t hurt anymore, but it sure did at the time. And it’s something I’ll never forget; I was fired for being myself.
Kate responded on 26 Nov 2011 at 12:29 pm #
@JessB
These really are fascinating stories for me to read.
Congratulations on your upcoming milestone! Librarians rock.
My father-in-law, one of my favorite people ever, is a law librarian.
Joy Daniels (@AuthorJDaniels) responded on 28 Nov 2011 at 4:30 pm #
I was fired a month after coming back from maternity leave. Oh and they totally changed my job description while I was out. And I was a contractor for the Fed govt so they REALLY should have known better. so much for the FMLA.
I worked with an older woman who was the biggest sourpuss and a man who could not stand conflict in any form. The two of them did not get along and I had to work with both. So who better to take out the tension on than me? It didn’t help that I go all “Emperor’s New Clothes” when it comes to conflict – like hey did anyone notice that you two are giving me contradictory instructions and refusing to talk to one another about them?
I was fired over an email too. When I got another list of totally contradictory info I sent a very polite and professional email asking for clarification and saying that if X and Y were being added to the list then I wouldn’t be able to meet the deadline we all agreed upon earlier. The reply was that I would have to learn how to work under pressure. The following week I was told that the boss had decided not to renew my contract.
The contract manager apologized and said that he had never seen such poor management skills in a supervisor. Small comfort. The good news is that less than a month later I found consulting work with a non-profit were I am appreciated – and no one blinks when I say I can’t work because it’s a chag 🙂 I’ve been working there for three years now and I love it.
Good for you for speaking up for yourself – I am sorry you lost that gig but you deserve to work somewhere where your talent is appreciated and you are respected as a person. Don’t settle for anything less.
Eat the Damn Cake » women asking for money responded on 05 Dec 2011 at 1:00 pm #
[…] But also, I just got fired from my last gig for talking back to a man. […]
Paysh responded on 05 Dec 2011 at 1:35 pm #
I think the inability to suck up is a rare and wonderful quality.
“A guy who liked to tell me what writing was about. ‘To write well, you must first care. Care deeply,’ he said, telling me I wasn’t doing that.” <– It is so wrong on like 80 different levels that this guy said this to you.
That took it to such a flashback-to-school place for me where it was like: AND WHO TOLD YOU I GAVE A DAMN WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT IT? Could you, like, explain to me what makes you qualified to give me this advice, without my asking for it? Except don't. Because there is no possible good answer you could give me because I decide whose advice is worthwhile to me, based on knowing them, or their writing or whatever the thing is, and admiring and/or respecting them (I mean, obviously, respecting them in a way that's beyond or different from the respect everyone deserves on account of existing).
I really don't like it when people presume to be in some kind of position where it's OK or they have some kind of right to say things like this to you. I get antsy just thinking about it. It's not the same as giving someone technical advice or giving them your (possibly critical) opinion about something at all, which I feel differently about and think is totally OK and often worth considering, and reasonable, as long as I'm free to disregard that advice if I don't agree with it.
Hmph. Yeah.
Eat the Damn Cake » a funny thing happened at yoga responded on 26 Jan 2012 at 3:07 pm #
[…] I can’t remember what I’ve ever worried about. I try. It’s weird. Why can’t I? I try to think of someone I really hate. Is there anyone? Maybe not. No one comes to mind (not even this guy). […]
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