the invisible baby that follows me around
Sometimes I think there’s an invisible baby in my life. It follows me around, waiting, gurgling and cooing in pointed judgment.
I measure stuff against it. “So if I can get this damn book published by the time I’m twenty-seven. Twenty-eight, maybe. Then I’d maybe be ready.” It reminds me that I’m getting older, faster, all the time. “What are you, thirty-nine? Oh, twenty-five! Not so different…Your eggs are already shriveling and growing more diseased and lopsided by the second. You’re not a kid anymore. Which is too bad, since you hit the peak of your fertility when you were, like, sixteen, or possibly even younger, when you still had those braces that ultimately didn’t even make much of made a difference. You thought it was cool to get the bands in holiday themed colors. YOU WERE MOST FERTILE THEN. And now look at you! Scrambling around, trying to find yourself or something, as time runs inexorably out. The clock is ticking, woman! Don’t think the clock isn’t ticking, just because you’re covering your ears.”
(source)
People ask me, “So are you guys thinking about kids?”
That’s what happens when you get married. Even in New York City, the land of not-having-to-think-about-kids-until-you’re-30.
“I think I’ll have a baby when I’m thirty, man or not,” said one of my friends at a group event.
“What?” the other twenty-something women cried. “Thirty? That’s too young! How about thirty-five?”
The land of not-having-to-think-about-kids-until-you’re-35.
The thing is– I want to have a baby. Sometimes I want to have one RIGHT NOW. I’m a little embarrassed to admit that. Especially since people from NYC read this blog.
Sometimes I see a baby and I get that melty feeling that women get when they fit scientifically supported stereotypes. It’s like my uterus is talking to me. It’s sort of sly and purring. “Come on…you know you want one…you could have one…”
And then I go home and stare at the wreckage of the book I’m trying to write, and I feel slightly panicky. And then my brain turns to steel and snaps at my uterus to please be quiet until you have something worthwhile to say. I have things to do. Lots of things. I have to make something of myself.
In the world I live in “making something of yourself” means your career. In my mom’s world, it means your family. And my mom is the most obvious and powerful example of motherhood I have. This is all very confusing.
I do embarrassing things as a result. At Bear’s office holiday party (which I was much better at this time), one of his co-workers asked me if we wanted to have kids.
“Yup!” I said, elegantly sipping a Cosmo (I always forget the names of all other drinks when the bartender asks what I want), and balancing on my tall heels without even swaying.
“How many?” she asked.
“Four!” I said.
Bear overheard. “Four?” he said. “That’s a lot! Did we agree on that?”
“Yes,” I said. “We agreed.” I couldn’t remember if we had.
His coworker laughed.
Later, Bear said, “So, four kids…And when are we getting started? Now?”
“OK!” I said. I thought about it for a second. “Or, in like, two years. That should give me enough time.”
Oh god, I thought. Two years? That’s not enough time! I have to make something of myself! I’ll probably need more time! Do I really want to have four kids? That’s really a lot. Where will I put them? What if they have weird personalities? What if they’re not nerdy? Oh god. They might not be nerdy. Then what? Maybe we shouldn’t have kids. We’d get to go out to eat a lot more if we didn’t. Not that we even go out to eat so much. But we should, because there are so many good restaurants on in the Village, and we’re so close to the Village now. Why aren’t we doing that more now? While there’s still time?
That damn clock.
I sit down for coffee with a famous woman writer. “So,” I say, “You have kids. How does that work out, with you being a writer?”
She smiles. She tells me she thinks writing is a great career for a mom. She says she didn’t get a whole lot done when her kids were really little, but that there was plenty of time later. There is plenty of time, in life.
Plenty of time in life, I repeat to myself. Plenty of time in life.
Sometimes I forget this. OK, I forget it every single day. I think I have to figure everything out right now. I think I have to understand everything, plan it, make sure it makes perfect sense. When really, it’s always going to be messy.
I’m not ready to have a baby right now, as much as my uterus wishes I was. Maybe I’ll be ready really soon. I can’t predict myself. But why do I think I should be able to? It’s not like I even know myself that well– I’ve only been alive for twenty-five years, and I’ve only been fertile for, like, fourteen of those. Shit. Fourteen years. My eggs are dying. MY EGGS ARE DYING. TIME IS RUNNING OUT.
God, it is so uncool to think about this stuff.
I hope I don’t see any babies when I go out later.
I kinda hope I do.
* * *
Women with babies– how are you doing? Women without them– do you think about them a lot? Or are they not on the radar right now? If you’re a teenager reading this blog–This post DOES NOT intend to convince you that you should have babies now, just because you happen to be really fertile. I’m getting a little tired of writing that word, actually– it sounds like I’m talking about a field or something 🙂
Unroast: Today I love the crease where my forearm meets my upper arm. What is the other side of your elbow even called?
Kate on December 16th 2011 in Uncategorized
Marina responded on 17 Dec 2011 at 1:52 pm #
I’m 27 and expecting my first baby… uh… any day now. 🙂 I’ve had baby fever for about five years, like, random crying jags about how sad I was that I couldn’t have a baby RIGHT THEN, even when I knew it would be a terrible idea. I don’t know how my husband put up with it. But he did, and this was the right time, and now we are having a super highly planned baby. And I don’t have any fewer career plans than I did a year ago. If anything, knowing I will have a child to support has kicked my career plans into high gear. It is now unacceptable to me to stick around in a job that pays less than I’m worth–I have a baby to support. And it is now unacceptable to stick around in a job that doesn’t feed my soul–if my job wears me out, I won’t have enough energy for my child, and what kind of role model would I be anyway? My career plans have moved from “it’d sure be nice to make a living doing what I love, but I can get by” to “I am going to do whatever it takes to have the truly stunning career of my dreams.”
It helps that my husband is the one who plans to be the primary childcaregiver and “homemaker” (even though I hate that word). It works out really well that I hate most housework and he doesn’t mind it, and I am way more ambitious than he is. (And oh my goodness, coming home to a clean house and a hot meal after work, best thing ever.) So there’s no reason for me to “take time off” my career.
Danielle responded on 17 Dec 2011 at 2:25 pm #
I had my first baby at 33. I was all-career-all-the-time before that, and so was my husband. I never felt “ready” but I realized that when I thought about my future, kids were definitely in it. As each year ticked by, I think I finally realized I would never just one day wake up and say “I’m ready”. Instead it was being content with being the least ‘not ready’ I could be. We decided we weren’t going to get any less “not ready”, so we embarked on what has turned out to be the most amazing, wonderful, fulfilling journey I could ever imagine, and my son is only 10 months old. We both went back to work full time and I’d be lying if I said it was anything close to easy. I’m glad we just made the leap, and after our son was born I said to my family “If I had known how amazing this would be, I would have had a baby years ago”.
Lynelle responded on 17 Dec 2011 at 2:39 pm #
I don’t have kids, never intended to have kids, never particularly wanted kids… and if you take that in combination with the medical issues I’ve had since I was 18 that would add a number of extra risks to the process of producing babies, it’s probably just as well. I like children, I just never had the NEED to have children of my own. I’m 33 now, and I don’t regret it yet… mostly I just hope I don’t regret it when I’m 50. Or 60. Or 80. When I have nieces & nephews, I hope to build close relationships with them so I’ll at least have someone to visit me in the nursing home when I’m 90!
Laura responded on 17 Dec 2011 at 4:32 pm #
Loved this! When you’re ready, I’ll babysit!!!
Dee responded on 17 Dec 2011 at 5:22 pm #
@jensketch btw I’m 60 raising an adopted grandchild who at 12 is the love of my life! we are home educators and if she wants to go to college or trade school she will be able to do it. she was a drug addicted baby and we faced the issues of her birth head on and now she is quite “normal” when she was a baby and toddler and young child she had temper tantrums and freaked out at loud noises and changes. I like to think we loved her past it. I intend to live long enough to meet her children. There is no perfect time. 🙂 just time.
justmama responded on 17 Dec 2011 at 7:08 pm #
I’d like to weigh in with some info from the “other side”. I’ve been where you are (sorta)…my babies are all grown up now. As a matter of fact, my girls are each hearing her “talking uterus”, the nosey neighbors and well-meaning friends and family members. This conversation has been playing a lot lately in my world.
Motherhood is the “toughest job you’ll ever love” (sorry, peace corps…but it’s far harder than anything else out there). That being said, it is also the single most rewarding and life-changing thing I have ever experienced. And I say that in a very good way.
The laws of physics apply to motherhood. “For every action, there is an opposite and equal reaction”.
For every sleepless night with an infant, there is a wonderment of mother love that will overcome like nothing you have ever experienced. Something about those tiny fingers wrapping around yours…
For every toddler tantrum, there is a moment of wonder watching this little person take on and conquer the big, bad world.
For every homework fight, there is an amazing moment of discovery and conquest. The sense of achievement on the part of the child carries over to mama, particularly when the subject has been a difficult one.
For every moment of teenage angst, there is a time of discussion that shows the depth of this young person that will truly astound.
Then, there is the moment you realize that your “baby” is an amazing grown-up…amazing you with their intelligence and graciousness, their caring and concern. There is nothing to prepare you for that moment…no way to describe it except to say, “damn…I am SO blessed to have had a part in THAT!”
It is said that motherhood changes you. I take issue with that. I think it re-defines you, perhaps makes you re-define yourself. I know that I have learned more from my children than I could have ever knowingly taught them. I’ve met people, been places, garnered knowledge, and had amazing experiences that I never would have had if I had never had these children in my life.
I am a better, richer (in experience, not cash), gracious, concerned, engaged and dare I say, wiser, person because of the experiences motherhood granted me. Oh, and any liberality and coolness I may possess is a direct effect of having walked through the fires of motherhood! Just ask my eldest daughter. 🙂
While I wouldn’t presume to say everyone should be a mother, I know that from a personal standpoint I benefitted tremendously. My world is a much brighter place because of my children.
(For those moms who think they can’t take another “mommy, mommy, mommy….ad infinitum”. I had days like that, too. Then, I got that phonecall that made me think I might never hear that word again…over two weeks passed before I heard “hey, mama!” again. I will tell you, there are no sweeter in the English language…)
There is a reason women have these feelings. Without them, the human race would cease to exist. It’s hard, it’s wild, it’s wonderful, it’s hard, it’s sad, it’s silly, it’s….(well, you get the picture)
Wishing you all the best…whatever you decide!
exmish responded on 17 Dec 2011 at 7:50 pm #
I strongly second what everyone said about there being no perfect time. The flipside of what people are saying about establishing a career, etc. before having kids is that you also become more set in your ways, more comfortable with things as they are – and from what I’ve seen, less flexible with accommodating a little newcomer. 🙂
I also completely agree with what has been said about life continuing on After Children. World travel? We’ve taken our kids to Hawaii, the Bahamas, Ghana. Career/personal development? Why not? 🙂 I think once you have children you may find that those things no longer seem So Important. Not completely undesirable, just not as necessary for life satisfaction.
It is challenging to stay, um, intellectually enriched 🙂 when you are sleep-deprived, nursing often, and so forth – but not impossible. And once your children get older, you will find yourself learning along with them, especially if you homeschool. (I have four kids – ages 5, 8, 11, 13 – and I’ve read something like 105 books this year….not counting the ones I read aloud to the 5-year-old. *grin*)
I have found that for me, parenting has brought out a depth of character, a richness of personality, and reservoirs of compassion that probably would not be there if my life were just about me and what I want.
Don’t be afraid! 🙂
(And, FWIW, I sobbed my guts out when I found out I was expecting my first. We thought it would take longer to get pregnant when we took the goalie off the ice. Um, yeah, try 6 weeks. I was 24, married 5 months, graduated from college and teaching ESL at a language institute. And it all worked out….and now I’m parenting a teenager! Yipes! 😀 )
Angela responded on 17 Dec 2011 at 9:27 pm #
Becoming a parent is not the end of you. At least it shouldn’t be. It’s just an addition to who you already are. The baby years are a little absorbing and at times overwhelming but they fly by. The joy and variety and spice brought into my life by by little boys far outweigh things lost. But not really much is lost. Just shifted. As my little ones get a little bigger I find that this is a much smaller piece of my life than I had imagined back in the days when to much pregnancy talk would send me into a panic attack. That said, take your time, because at 25 you have it. Strengthen your marriage. Have few successes all your own, but don’t worry that you have to have ALL of your successes before becoming a mother. You will eventually find your footing.
Another Kate responded on 17 Dec 2011 at 9:41 pm #
I’m 19 and aboard the never having kids why does anybody do that train. Intellectually I get the argument about maternal instinct and parental satisfaction, but I don’t understand it at all. Being pregnant and having and raising a child is, to be indelicate, one of the worst things I can imagine happening to me. What I find interesting is that while I don’t feel the biological ticking and almost never find babies “cute”, I melt when I see guys out in public with their kids, just being awesome dads and so involved and caring. But this in no way overrides my desire to not procreate, not even in the moment.
Sasha responded on 18 Dec 2011 at 3:16 am #
I want kids more than I want anything else. And I know that’s not a common opinion and that women want to wait. I’m 20 years old and all I’ve ever wanted was to be a mother. I don’t want to wait until I’m 30, and I don’t want to plan when to have children. I think when you know, you know- Just like when you decide to get married. I’m waiting for that moment before I have kids, but not for “the” magical age.
Ps. Kate, I have read your blog everyday for the past year and I want you to know, though you ask a lot, you AREN’T crazy. We all think these things and if more of us could talk about them society wouldn’t be so screwed up.
Mandy responded on 18 Dec 2011 at 11:44 am #
I’ve always wondered why in the world it would be considered “selfish” to not want to have children. It’s not as if we have a population shortage!
I’ve never been strongly inclined to give birth, and the older I got, the more certain I became that I didn’t want kids of my own. In my case (and my husband agrees with me) I felt that if I was going to have children, I should really, REALLY want them. We were neutral on the subject and that just wasn’t the right attitude.
So, I got a tubal ligation when I was thirty-two. My doctor did me the courtesy of not questioning my decision, or trying to talk me out of it, “because you might change your mind later.”
I’ll be forty-six in a couple of months, and I’ve never regretted my decision. It was the right decision for me. I would never presume to tell anyone else what was right for them.
Julianna responded on 18 Dec 2011 at 1:11 pm #
I have a 5-month-old daughter and I am 31. This may be TMI, but I had a Mirena for three years, had it out and never even got a period, I got pregnant so fast. So if you have a fertile mom, chances are good you’ll have no problem in your early thirties.
Also, if you look for a rational reason to have children, you’ll probably never find one. On the other hand, almost no woman holds her newborn for the first time and thinks “gee, I really regret this.” This may sound corny, but it’s like discovering a part of your heart you didn’t know existed. My love for my daughter is completely overwhelming. But yes, it will completely overturn your life. One thing you seem to have a supportive partner; that will make it easier.
Balancing work and baby isn’t easy but I’m lucky in my schedule at least: I am an ER nurse and I work 11am to 11 pm three days a week. Speaking of which, the inside of your elbow is the antecubital region, much-beloved by people like me for easy vascular access.
Anyway, good luck to you. You’ll figure it out. 🙂
lynellekw responded on 18 Dec 2011 at 1:15 pm #
Mandy – I appreciate you leaving that comment, it’s reassuring to know that other women felt similarly to me & haven’t come to regret their decision!
Kate responded on 18 Dec 2011 at 5:28 pm #
@Everyone
I’ve been busy the whole weekend and feel like I’ve been missing this whole conversation! Reading through these comments, I’m thinking a few things:
It’s interesting how women who don’t want to have babies sometimes feel that there’s a lot of pressure to have babies and women who do want to have babies/already have them sometimes feel that they’re being unusual or weird for wanting that. There’s pressure either way! Why is there always pressure??
So it must really just come down to what works for you. I definitely don’t think people are selfish for not wanting babies (what a strange, stupid idea) or lame for wanting them (hooray for making a whole new life!).
I don’t believe in TMI– I think that sharing stuff that might be uncomfortable means you’re sharing stuff that other people might really need or want to know, but can’t easily access. So thank you!
I love hearing all of these different perspectives. It makes me realize even more how many options there are in life. It sounds like a simple realization, but it’s one that obnoxiously eludes me a lot of the time.
I know I want to be a mother someday, so hearing from women whose lives are enriched by their kids is encouraging. It’s even a little thrilling. I also appreciate learning more about how complicated, frustrating, or just plain weird life with kids can be. Again, the thing that feels most important to me is how varied people’s experiences are, even when they’re similar in certain fundamental ways.
I also like hearing from the people who said they didn’t want to have kids– I love that you know that about yourself and are confident expressing it. That’s badass. Really. Like anything else that has to do with being a woman, and probably more than everything else, it takes a lot of self-awareness and awesomeness to be yourself when you are stepping away from conventional ideas about femininity.
In certain circles, in certain areas, it’s also badass to be a young, educated woman who is confident enough to express her desire to be a mom. Interesting how that works.
As always, thank you everyone, for sharing. The conversation happening here in these comments is inspiring me to have other conversations, with my mom, with my friends. It’s good stuff.
Kate responded on 18 Dec 2011 at 5:34 pm #
@Marina
Awesome, about your husband. I’ve been meeting more and more young women whose boyfriends/husbands have the goal of staying at home with the kids.
When I think about being a mom, I imagine myself being the primary/constant caregiver. I don’t really have another image in my head. I think that’s true for a lot of people.
My aunt and uncle recently adopted four of their grandkids (@Dee–you made me think of them), who were in desperate need, and they are a fantastic family. There are a lot of ways to be a family, and too often, I think we only imagine one version of the possibilities.
Emily responded on 18 Dec 2011 at 7:29 pm #
I’m 26 now and a year ago I thought I never wanted to have kids and now my hormones are like BABIES NOW!!! I like I’m ready now except for that whole having a husband thing haha 🙂
Beauzeaux responded on 19 Dec 2011 at 1:21 am #
Your eggs are not dying. Having a baby because you’re worried about your eggs is not a good idea.
I’ll be the only one saying that having kids is not all it’s cracked up to be. A baby will NOT make you happy. More likely to make you crazy.
The thing to remember is that whatever you decide, you will have regrets. People with kids miss their freedom. People without kids miss that connection. There’s no free lunch. Every decision is like that. You have to decide (at some point) which regret you’re willing to live with.
Sari responded on 19 Dec 2011 at 3:06 am #
Wait ’til I get back to NY. We’ll have babies at the same time and then start a super awesome home/un-school co-op and you’ll have time to write and I’ll have time to do, erm, whatever I’m doing. Photography. Who knows?
😉
Seriously, though… this is a fairly constant conversation I have with myself, and that S and I have together. The funny thing is that he is the one more in a rush since we have that age gap to factor in. He doesn’t want to be the oldest dad on the block!
So. I think we’ll start with a puppy…
Lisa Furst responded on 19 Dec 2011 at 9:48 am #
This was a great post. I am about to turn 40, and I decided, several years ago, that it was really okay with me to not have children. Like many women, I simply assumed I’d have children. I’d have them when I was “ready.” And, somehow, I’d know when “ready” was. Then, six years ago, I met a man who is the love of my life and my life partner, who does not want and has never wanted children. And starting a relationship with him in my mid-thirties meant that I had to decide whether or not I wanted children, with him or without him. And I realized, over time, that the period in which I most wanted children was when I thought that having them would prove that I was a “normal” woman and not some kind of freak. And, since I’ve made the decision not to be a mother, I notice that I really do enjoy the children in my life (my niece, the children of friends, etc). And I really do enjoy that I am not raising them, but get to be a special adult in their lives, nonetheless. For example, I’ll be able to contribute to my niece’s education, financially-speaking, in a way that I wouldn’t be able to if I were a parent myself. My biggest fear about not having children? It’s not that I’ll somehow miss connections with babies, or with children, because I have those little critters in my life already. It’s that someday, when I’m old, I might not have a younger relative who can help me at the end of my life. And that raises, for me, much more of a social/political question than a personal one.
San D responded on 19 Dec 2011 at 11:50 am #
@Lisa
While I don’t have any children either, I DO know that having children is no guarantee that they will help you at the end of your life. Ask anyone who works with the elderly, they are always astonished as to who doesn’t show up to visit their mother or father.
CarbonGirl responded on 19 Dec 2011 at 11:50 am #
Oh Dear! these comments are wicked depressing. I feel like you are damned if you do, damned if you don’t.
Kate, loved this line, “In the world I live in “making something of yourself” means your career. In my mom’s world, it means your family. And my mom is the most obvious and powerful example of motherhood I have. This is all very confusing.”
That sums up perfectly how I feel.
Kate responded on 19 Dec 2011 at 11:52 am #
@Lisa
Well said.
Kate responded on 19 Dec 2011 at 11:53 am #
@Sari
LOL! I love it! Sounds like a plan!
Also, yes, the puppy is smart. I’m loving having a kitten to take care of 🙂
Kate responded on 19 Dec 2011 at 11:55 am #
@San D
Also a good point. Sometimes, when I’m being particularly crazy, I think, “what if my future kids don’t want to take care of me when I’m old?” Yeah. Oy. But I always think it’s probably a real possibility. Kids are known for making their own decisions in frustrating ways!
Kate responded on 19 Dec 2011 at 11:59 am #
@CarbonGirl
Ha! I haven’t seen/heard someone say “wicked” in a long time. Great word.
Yeah, it can always seem like things might suck, no matter what- but maybe it’s just how you look at it. Sure, certain things will always go wrong, but certain other things will go fantastically right, depending on which decisions you make. I’m getting emails from young women who can’t wait to have their baby, and are excited about their futures, and emails from older women who are content with their decision not to have kids. I have read pieces by women who regretted the decision not to have kids when they were younger, and pieces by women who wished they’d taken more time for themselves before having kids. There are so so so many ways to look at this, like everything. But like everything, I think in the end, it just depends on how you’re feeling about yourself and your life. Do you like yourself? Do you like where you are? Then things are probably OK.
That’s me– oversimplifying YET AGAIN.
🙂
tirzahrene responded on 19 Dec 2011 at 12:43 pm #
Kids are completely a black hole. They will always need and want as much as you can give them and then some.
But you know what I learned from ten years as a stepmom slogging through all the parts where I was tired, where I didn’t like them, where they were never satisfied?
That for me, it’s completely and totally worth it. That I want this. That for me, family is where it’s at, and for me, family includes children both biological and otherwise, if I can have them.
I know I’m going to be over my head and have lots of times where I hate my life and think I was the world’s biggest idiot. And I’m okay with that. Because it suits me.
Val responded on 19 Dec 2011 at 1:51 pm #
You know, for a long, long time I had the feeling that because we started having kids young, like I should DO whatever I was really supposed to do after they got a little bigger.
I graduated college at 40 not sure what to do next, what was it I was supposed to do? You know, for real, after the kids?
Well, then Tim, the ninth child, was born at 7:00 on a Friday night in August. The next morning, I sat in my bed with Tim on my lap and knew right then: The thing I was supposed to do? I was doing it.
I might do other things too, but this wasn’t just a stop along the way to the real thing. It was the real thing. It sounds lame, but this family is anything but.
So have your kids and know that life happens. Raising them will make you an even better writer because they’re going to add a richness, texture and depth to every aspect of your life and your relationships with your parents and your husband.
It’s absolutely not an either/or deal. love, Val
Kate responded on 19 Dec 2011 at 1:56 pm #
@Val
So very very not at all lame.
xoxo
Dana responded on 19 Dec 2011 at 2:23 pm #
I’m glad someone else said it first, but I’m going to second the “Your eggs are not dying, you are in a good time” bit. In fact, I’ve heard that under 20 is just as hard on your body as over 35! That said, I’m 37 and just starting to try to get pregnant. I never thought I particularly wanted kids, and when my friends had them, I was glad to not be them. And, I’m a teacher; I really like kids, but never really wanted them for myself. But, I found the love of my life a few years ago and got married last summer- at 37. I’ll be 38 in two months. I think that 40 is really the point where it starts to be too late to even try- but then there are many celebrities who manage it, with or without technology.
Anyway, just relax. I totally get the “wanting to accomplish things” bit too. It’s why I never went to any high school reunions. 🙂 You have time, so hang in there!
Kayla responded on 19 Dec 2011 at 3:12 pm #
I’m 23 and engaged, and some days, I REALLY want a baby and other days I want to wait several years and get some other “life experiences” in. Gah! Babies are so cuuuute.
P Flooers responded on 19 Dec 2011 at 4:31 pm #
Val rocks! And she’s exactly right. Its absolutely not an either/or deal. (Val, you know I love you!)
I tell my daughter to have babies the minute she wants them, even if she’s still “young” by our new social standards. Which is, what, have babies by the time you’re 35? Is that right? Well, as soon as you meet your babies you are going to begin growing up in a way you didn’t know needed to happen. I don’t think its common to finish growing all the way up until after you have babies. And as soon as you meet them, they change your life in such a way that you wish you had more time with them. And the only way to have more time with them is to go ahead and have them. Its one of those funny life paradoxes.
Also, yes, babies will destroy you. Which is okay, because they rebuild you into a better version of yourself. Don’t let the demise of life as you currently enjoy it stop you.
Virginia responded on 19 Dec 2011 at 5:23 pm #
Oh man, this post and this whole comment thread is so well-timed for me. I spent all of my 20s not being remotely concerned about kids — I had this “eventually, I assume I’ll want one, but right now, that is not at all interesting to me” stance because I was so very fixated on career, career, career. And specifically writing a book, like you (as we’ve discussed! :). I’ve hit a lot of the career goals I set out for myself, but the book thing is proving to be a LOT more elusive than I thought it would be. So cut to: Right as I’m realizing the book goal is going to take longer than I thought, I turn 30 and it’s like someone flipped the baby switch. All this business about uteruses exploding at the sight of infants — I get it now.
I am still not a baby person. I prefer kids once they can talk and entertain me and I know I’m going to hate sleepless nights and diapers. But I nevertheless want a baby, like, pretty much now. Two things are slowing down that process: My husband isn’t quite there yet, and I firmly believe in being on the same page before you take that kind of big life step (and not rushing people to be ready for things before they really are!). And I keep worrying about what it will mean for the whole career/book goal.
The first thing needs to work itself out, and that’s fine by me. But the second is my problem — and so I’m finding it very reassuring to read these accounts from moms who are saying both that it IS really hard, harder than you’ll ever expect (because I hate when people dismiss my fears like, “oh no, it will be so easy!” — they are full of lies) and from the moms who are saying that you really can do both and yes there will be a period of months where one has to take major precedence over the other, but ultimately, it works. Phew. Thank you, I really needed to hear both of those things!
Kate responded on 19 Dec 2011 at 5:31 pm #
@Virginia
As usual, knowing that you’re going through something similar makes me feel about fifty times better. You’ve heard it before, I’m positive, but I have to say it: you will be an amazing mom.
Also, I’ve heard that occasionally women publish books after having kids. Once in a while.
🙂
Laura responded on 19 Dec 2011 at 10:27 pm #
As a smart seventeen-year-old from a loving home, I feel like I’m not supposed to admit that I long to be a mother. I’m certainly not trying to get pregnant — I’m not even sexually active yet. I know that parenting hugely time-consuming, utterly exhausting, quite expensive, and ultimately the biggest responsibility a person can have. I’ll certainly wait until I’ve got my feet firmly planted on the ground before becoming a mother, but that doesn’t mean that often very physical longing for a baby go away.
Still, I can’t imagine me waiting until anywhere near my mid-thirties or even later to become a mother. Part of it is my aforementioned impatience to have a child, but difficulties in conceiving and the heightened possibilities of problems with the pregnancy or the child also scare me. My mom wanted to have a few kids and started trying to get pregnant in her mid-thirties. She had (in this order) a miscarriage, me!, a baby with a chromosomal disorder who died shortly after birth, and an ectopic pregnancy. Of my aunts (both by blood and marriage) on my mom’s side of the family, one is in her forties and struggling to get pregnant, one gave birth a a son conceived with in vitro fertilization when she was in her forties, one gave birth to twins conceived with in vitro fertilization when she was in her thirties, and one gave birth to a daughter conceived naturally in her thirties and is worried whether she’ll be able to have the other two she wants before it’s too late.
I do want to emphasize that I’m not trying to scare you, Kate, or anyone else into having a baby in their twenties. All I’m trying to do is share where I’m coming from. There is no “right” time to have a baby, and I totally agree with what some people said here about energy vs patience with the younger/older mothers debate. I think every woman should decide when she wants to become a mother, or if she wants to become one at all.
Mandy responded on 20 Dec 2011 at 1:27 am #
@Carbongirl
You are the best and only judge of what will make you happy!
Don’t do something just because it seems like the next logical step, or because you think you ought to, or because someone guilts or nags you into it.
Make your decisions based on what YOU want. Life is not a dress rehearsal. (I know, cliche–but so true.)
P Flooers responded on 20 Dec 2011 at 7:15 am #
@Laura, you are not wrong to point out the physical issues of birth when you are older. And no matter what our society says, our biology says getting pregnant is supposed to happen when we are much younger.
The science is irrefutable on this. We are meant to have babies when we are younger. Its gets much more difficult to conceive and deliver a healthy baby, the longer you wait. Sure, you can do it, but it gets biologically more difficult. The risk of fetal chromosomal damage at 22 compared to 32 more than doubles. Most babies are healthy. But the risks, and not just chromosomal risks, all go up after 30. Even more so, I think, for first time mothers older than 30. The sociology of this issue is one thing. The biology is another.
For all prospective mothers, have you seen Ricki Lakes’ movie “Birth”? Also, check out “Birthing From Within” by Pam England.
What Do Women (and Men) Want From Work? | Beauty Schooled responded on 20 Dec 2011 at 8:21 am #
[…] to seeing women who are stretched too thin, doing too much and not really loving any of it. Over on Eat the Damn Cake, Kate wrote about being haunted by an invisible baby last week and sparked a fascinating comment […]
Eat the Damn Cake » my first Christmas responded on 20 Dec 2011 at 12:46 pm #
[…] women want from work by Virginia at Beauty Schooled. In it, she gives the people who commented on my post about babies a shout […]
Alix responded on 20 Dec 2011 at 6:24 pm #
I really wasn’t sure I would be a good mom, but I arrived at my late 20s, already married for 7 years, and decided that I wanted kids (I, too, had that baby following me around).
Kids are not easy. It’s even worse when it turns out your partner really didn’t want them. I worked and my kids went to daycare, and then I was divorced, and worked AND went to school and my kids continued going to daycare until they were latchkey kids by the time they were 8 and 12. We were really poor during that time (enough that I sometimes worried about having enough money for food some months). During the time I was in school, our family time was often doing homework together for a couple hours each night…which sounds horrible and boring, but the kids remember that as being fun, and so do I.
It turns out that what kids require is love, caring, and lots of talking. Other things fall into place as long as you give your kids plenty of love and caring, and talk, talk, talk. At least, it did for us. We certainly didn’t have any money, and I never was able to have more time with them than my job would allow.
I raised two lovely, productive adults, pretty much alone, as their dad bugged out on us. One finished her RN a couple years ago (and is contemplating grad school); the other is starting his second year in the Armed Forces. They’re both intelligent, smart about money, involved in volunteer work, and happy. Apparently, being a “good enough mother” is just fine. I would have liked to homeschool and be a housewife, but that just didn’t work out for us.
Despite the difficulties we went through, I wouldn’t trade my years with the kids for anything; that time was one of the most fun of my life so far, which may seem odd when you think about the difficulties we had, but it’s true.
For those of you who have kids (or will have kids), keep in mind that the years that they are small and willing to listen to you go by very, very fast. Talking about difficult things is a whole lot easier when they are tiny, and then you have something to build on as they get older.
Those of you who choose not to have kids, I know you will also be just fine. Kids are a lot of work. They are a joy, but joy comes in all sorts of ways and it doesn’t have to be kid-shaped to be real.
Sarah responded on 20 Dec 2011 at 10:32 pm #
Amen to everything ‘midnightsky’ said, including: “If I ever start hearing my biological clock, I intend to take a sledgehammer to it.”
I think whatever decision you make, own it. That’s what I intend to do with not having kids!
Joceline responded on 20 Dec 2011 at 11:03 pm #
The cubital fossa! Thank you Anatomy Lab.
Also, I think about when my biological hourglass’s sand is going to run out all the time, and I’m only 22 and still in school. There’s so much pressure to do everything and have everything and be the best at it that it trickles into even the most well-regulated minds 🙂
erin h. responded on 22 Dec 2011 at 12:33 am #
Oh, I can identify with this post so strongly that it’s a little scary.
I’m 28. I’ve been married for five years, and I’ve always known that I want to be a mom someday. I think if you’d asked me 5 years ago, I would’ve predicted I’d have a kid by 28. Yet, here I am– two dogs, no babies.
I too want to feel “ready”. My husband and I both have jobs that we love, but they don’t pay a whole lot. Our health insurance isn’t great, and I’m worried about the cost of all the medical care associated with pregnancy and childbirth. And how will we afford for me to take time off?
I’m also fairly terrified of the physical process of HAVING a baby. My best friend died in childbirth (yes, that does still happen) when I was 20, and I’m sure that has a lot to do with my fears. And honestly, I worry about the ways in which pregnancy will change my body (and I feel so vapid and silly admitting that). My grip on positive body image is often tenuous, and I’m not sure what it will do to me to suddenly have stretch marks and saggy belly skin. Maybe it won’t be a big deal, but what if it is? What if I’m never able to make peace with my body after it’s had babies?
Bah. Neuroses. Some days I’m able to brush them off, and some days they pile atop me like so much wet cement.
Eat the Damn Cake » the time before responded on 02 Jan 2012 at 10:22 am #
[…] I think I know what my New Year’s resolution is– other than to really be nicer to Bear when he interrupts something I’m doing: I want to allow for more mystery in my life. I am such a know-it-all. I think I know exactly where I stand. I think I know what I’ve accomplished and what I will never accomplish. I think now is forever. I think I’ve figured it out– my neck is too short. I will continue to fail in certain ways that I can count without thinking. The things I don’t know about life, I think I need to plan for right now. […]
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